Blog 65: To be a Redhead
Shirley Temple (my next Halloween Costume)...Carrot Top, Big Red, Raggedy Anne, Fire Muff (this one was bad, but what was even worse was that for the first two months I did not know what “muff” meant and thought it was a Cool nickname...until I told my older sister and she was like, “dumb ass, do you know that muff means pussy”...oops)
Whatever name you got for my red hair, I have probably heard it, about 30 times...
Recently I have been studying about redheads and well...seems like my peeps have been fucked for a while...just saying...persecution is a bitch.
Did you know that long ago us redheads were burned at the stake, that we were thought to be demon children, some think we possess great powers, some say we are kinda nuts, and we are known as over sexual...well, some things might be true...
Today, I have grown to love my lion’s mane...yet, it was not always like that.
May I say for the first four years of my life I was the cutest orphan Annie you had ever seen. Yet as I started to go to school I started to hate my hair...First off, I had no idea how to take care of it...a personal note to people with curly hair like mine...don’t brush it, you will look like a mushroom...in first grade Sister Mary took me to get a hair cut, I looked like a freaking Christmas tree (I think this was the birth of me getting freaked out by hair cuts and why I only do it to myself today)...then of course there was the NKOTB years where I had the “pumped” bangs...that was really bad and used up a lot of hair spray...yikes.
I was the only one with red hair in my grade school, hell I was the only white kid in my class...and the thought of someone having red hair made the other kids laugh, cause I was different...someone pretty much made fun of my hair everyday throughout all of grade school and the first half of high school...I didn’t really learn how to tame my hair till I was about 16 years old...I still remember the first compliment I got on my hair, it was on the 31 Balboa bus, a lady told me she LOVED my hair, it was the first time someone had said something about my hair that was nice...it shocked me.
I can honestly say that grade school and high school were really hard on me...Someone was always teasing me, I don’t think I ever felt pretty, and a lot of that had to do with the fact that everyone was making fun of my red hair...it made me even more different than I already was.
Today is a whole new ball game, someone compliments my hair everyday, I respond every time with “My daddy gave it to me”...I even had a chode at the Boom Boom Room ask to smell my hair on Saturday night...who does that? He kept on going on and on about sniffing my hair...Weirdo.
But having hair like mine is a balance...yes it is quite awesomeness times 11 and smells delicious, but you know I can never sneak into a show, was never able to get a fake ID, usually when I do something embarrassing people are going to remember cause it was “the crazy redhead”...I meet people all the time who already have met me and remember me and I have no idea who they are...but they know who I am...and its usually cause of my hair that they recall who I am.
Ohhh, and I stick out like a sore thumb...I remember the first time I had the privilege of going to The Greek Theater in Berkley...I was sitting in the very top back smoking a bowl (the total opposite side of the entrance)...a friend came up to me and said, “Sunshine, as soon as I walked in I looked around and saw your bright red hair all the way over here, how funny is that?”...ha ha ha ha...don’t ever ask me to rob a bank, I’ll never get away unrecognized.
Sometimes I wish I could just blend in, to be like everyone else, to be able to simply pull my hair in a ponytail like all the other girls can...but I can’t. My hair is the cards that I were dealt, and that is simply that.
I just embrace it now, I wear dresses that are as flashy as my hair, cause if you are going to stand out, there aint no point about being half ass about it.
I have never mustered up the strength to dye my mane or change it in any way (I tried ironing it for like 30 minutes once, and it looked the exact same)...cause as much grief as it gives me...it is me, it has become part of who I am, and I love it and have no desire to change it.
For getting teased about my hair for so long, really makes me appreciate every time someone says something nice about it...sometimes I feel like a swam...having grown into her beauty...I run into people from grade school every once in a while and they do the "step back"..I smile and think, "yeah, you made fun of this awesomeness...ding dong."
And as much grief and teasing came with my hair in my early years, it only helped make me the strong ass woman I am today (I’m pretty sure this is another trait that redheads are known for)...And I guess that is what I love so much about my hair, it has helped me become me.
Cause if it doesn’t kill you...
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
FINDING WATER (the old school way)
First you want to start off holding one of those “wishbone” sticks, they are a stick that splits off into two...those are the best ones for finding water, now walk with the stick in your hands and once you feel it start to shake a little, grab your shovel and start to dig, you might want to get someone to help you dig, cause digging is a bitch...(joint breaks are allowed)...oh your shovel just broke through...WATER IN YOUR FACE (I usually try to block the water with my forearms to no avail)...now not only is your face nice and clean, but your thirst is quenched...awesomeness.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Blog 64: Honey, I just Look this Way...
Blog 64...Honey, I just look this Way...
A man, who didn’t know me at the time, came up to me awhile back and said, “Soooo...Are you just some hippy chick that smokes a bunch of pot and writes a blog?”
Have you ever had a giggle build really low in your stomach and feel it travel all the way up your esophagus...trying to hold it in, and then it comes out in a snort...well that is totally what happened.
As I rattled of my many jobs and began to articulate with the man, the look on his face turned to “somewhat awe”...and in my head I giggled some more and thought, “Honey, I just look this way”
So please don’t let the glitter fool you, nor the fact that my tits look awesomeness cloud your judgment...I might be super cute, look like Shirley Temple, am sparkly and talk in a high voice (my friend told me the more loaded I get the higher my “totally” gets)...but that does not mean that I ain’t got a brain...far from it darlin.
Shhhh...don’t tell anyone, but I am actually quite intelligent.
And I am not referring to the fact that I have a photographic memory (I can pull some crazy facts out of my dome) or the fact that I graduated college in four years even though I had to drop out of one semester due to “stalker” ex-boyfriend and had to go to college part-time for a year to gain my residency...I had a goal of finishing in four years and when I set a goal...well, I mean business. I also started a restaurant with $3,000 (most people usually start one with at least $50,000) that lasted for four years in an industry that eats newcomers up for breakfast in the first year...and if I hadn’t fallen out of love with my ex-husband or if he had learned to say “thank you” I would still own the restaurant.
But when I say I am smart, I really mean beyond the norm cerebral kinda way...more like the “Queen in Training” kinda way...I just try to be low pro with that shit.
Examples of me being mentally awesomeness:
I learn from my mistakes...this might be my biggest attribute. I have fucked up in my day (still am going to) and have watched others screw the pooch many a time, but every wrong I see, I try to see the right, I try to recognize what I didn’t like about a situation and make sure it doesn’t happen again...from the most mind-numbing heartbreak I have found the most glorious light...and it is only because that is the way I choose to look at life. Some of the worst things that have happened to me I can honestly say, I would not have learned my lesson if it had not been so horrible...it took me hitting bottom to realize I had to change my ways.
My Perception...I might come off as a bubbly, cute ding dong (I even play one in real life) but that is just the wrapping. The truth is I find it easier to be smiling and happy than to be anything else. And being happy is the only thing of myself I really want to brush off on people. To the point of, if I am not in a good mood, I don’t go out...I don’t want to rub my mad mojo off on anyone else...what awesomeness is that going to spread? If I’m not spreading positivity, that ain’t right. My powers should only be used for good.
I try not to Judge...please note that I said “try” after all I am human, and am by no means perfect. But I am also aware that we are all human, and we all need to learn from our mistakes...you will often hear me say, “Who doesn’t want to be loved?...Who doesn’t want to be happy?”...We all have a path to take and that road is not always paved with daisies on the side...and if someone does what they think will make them happy or what they think is for love, than far be it for me to stand in their way.
I let you be You...I was out with some of my friends last week and my girlfriend and I were talking about our friend, he is a business owner that is a little extravagant, but a total sweetheart...yet he has seemed to rub some people the wrong way...but the fact is in business, sometimes you got to rub people the wrong way...it is business, and in the music industry, you got to get over that shit...the thing is...if you love him and simply except this man for who he is, and let him do his thing the way he wants to do it...he will let you do the same, you just have to respect him. My friend turned to me and said, “That is what I love about you, I feel that I can be totally me around you, and it is so okay...you encourage me to be me.” I took this is as a great compliment...times 11.
I try to always leave things on a good Note...When I first moved back to San Francisco I ran into the friend that had robbed me and my ex-husband back in the day...at the time he was hooked on some bad drugs...when I saw him 9 years later, I gave him a hug, he was fucking shocked, you could see it in his face, I mentioned nothing of the robbery, I felt no need to, I no longer grew pot, I don’t deal with any of that shit anymore, and to be honest, getting robbed was a humbleness that my ex and I needed to experience, we were getting to over our heads at the time...to greedy. And as I looked into my friend’s eyes I tried to send a forgiveness that I hoped he would feel. For carrying around anger is so detrimental to one’s being, and letting it go is so freeing. Besides, leaving things on a good note, sets up good things...If I run into him again, there is not going to be any negatively, no awkwardness, if you let it go, but remember your lesson that you learned it just is simply less drama, and drama is a bitch and a half...totally.
So while I look and come off as a ditzy sparkle chick, there is way more to me, but darlin you have to take the time to figure that shit out...
And while you are figuring out how awesome I am, you should be realizing how fucking awesome you are as well.
For I am a firm believer that when you can see the awesomeness in yourself, you can see it everybody.
The saying “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover” is an age old saying...cause it is the fucking truth.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
BOWLING
Start by finding a ball that is the right weight (get your mind out of the gutter)...I usually have to pick up 3-5 balls to find on I like (once I find the right one I give it a little spin in my hands)...all right, we got our ball, time to line up with the pins, start with your feet together, pull the bowling ball up to your chest...as you step your left leg forward, swing your right arm with the ball back, as you take a step or two forward let your arm swing forward and right as your hand passes your hip let the ball fly...I kinda lean to the side as it goes down the lane...and victory dance...cause it is a STRIKE.
A man, who didn’t know me at the time, came up to me awhile back and said, “Soooo...Are you just some hippy chick that smokes a bunch of pot and writes a blog?”
Have you ever had a giggle build really low in your stomach and feel it travel all the way up your esophagus...trying to hold it in, and then it comes out in a snort...well that is totally what happened.
As I rattled of my many jobs and began to articulate with the man, the look on his face turned to “somewhat awe”...and in my head I giggled some more and thought, “Honey, I just look this way”
So please don’t let the glitter fool you, nor the fact that my tits look awesomeness cloud your judgment...I might be super cute, look like Shirley Temple, am sparkly and talk in a high voice (my friend told me the more loaded I get the higher my “totally” gets)...but that does not mean that I ain’t got a brain...far from it darlin.
Shhhh...don’t tell anyone, but I am actually quite intelligent.
And I am not referring to the fact that I have a photographic memory (I can pull some crazy facts out of my dome) or the fact that I graduated college in four years even though I had to drop out of one semester due to “stalker” ex-boyfriend and had to go to college part-time for a year to gain my residency...I had a goal of finishing in four years and when I set a goal...well, I mean business. I also started a restaurant with $3,000 (most people usually start one with at least $50,000) that lasted for four years in an industry that eats newcomers up for breakfast in the first year...and if I hadn’t fallen out of love with my ex-husband or if he had learned to say “thank you” I would still own the restaurant.
But when I say I am smart, I really mean beyond the norm cerebral kinda way...more like the “Queen in Training” kinda way...I just try to be low pro with that shit.
Examples of me being mentally awesomeness:
I learn from my mistakes...this might be my biggest attribute. I have fucked up in my day (still am going to) and have watched others screw the pooch many a time, but every wrong I see, I try to see the right, I try to recognize what I didn’t like about a situation and make sure it doesn’t happen again...from the most mind-numbing heartbreak I have found the most glorious light...and it is only because that is the way I choose to look at life. Some of the worst things that have happened to me I can honestly say, I would not have learned my lesson if it had not been so horrible...it took me hitting bottom to realize I had to change my ways.
My Perception...I might come off as a bubbly, cute ding dong (I even play one in real life) but that is just the wrapping. The truth is I find it easier to be smiling and happy than to be anything else. And being happy is the only thing of myself I really want to brush off on people. To the point of, if I am not in a good mood, I don’t go out...I don’t want to rub my mad mojo off on anyone else...what awesomeness is that going to spread? If I’m not spreading positivity, that ain’t right. My powers should only be used for good.
I try not to Judge...please note that I said “try” after all I am human, and am by no means perfect. But I am also aware that we are all human, and we all need to learn from our mistakes...you will often hear me say, “Who doesn’t want to be loved?...Who doesn’t want to be happy?”...We all have a path to take and that road is not always paved with daisies on the side...and if someone does what they think will make them happy or what they think is for love, than far be it for me to stand in their way.
I let you be You...I was out with some of my friends last week and my girlfriend and I were talking about our friend, he is a business owner that is a little extravagant, but a total sweetheart...yet he has seemed to rub some people the wrong way...but the fact is in business, sometimes you got to rub people the wrong way...it is business, and in the music industry, you got to get over that shit...the thing is...if you love him and simply except this man for who he is, and let him do his thing the way he wants to do it...he will let you do the same, you just have to respect him. My friend turned to me and said, “That is what I love about you, I feel that I can be totally me around you, and it is so okay...you encourage me to be me.” I took this is as a great compliment...times 11.
I try to always leave things on a good Note...When I first moved back to San Francisco I ran into the friend that had robbed me and my ex-husband back in the day...at the time he was hooked on some bad drugs...when I saw him 9 years later, I gave him a hug, he was fucking shocked, you could see it in his face, I mentioned nothing of the robbery, I felt no need to, I no longer grew pot, I don’t deal with any of that shit anymore, and to be honest, getting robbed was a humbleness that my ex and I needed to experience, we were getting to over our heads at the time...to greedy. And as I looked into my friend’s eyes I tried to send a forgiveness that I hoped he would feel. For carrying around anger is so detrimental to one’s being, and letting it go is so freeing. Besides, leaving things on a good note, sets up good things...If I run into him again, there is not going to be any negatively, no awkwardness, if you let it go, but remember your lesson that you learned it just is simply less drama, and drama is a bitch and a half...totally.
So while I look and come off as a ditzy sparkle chick, there is way more to me, but darlin you have to take the time to figure that shit out...
And while you are figuring out how awesome I am, you should be realizing how fucking awesome you are as well.
For I am a firm believer that when you can see the awesomeness in yourself, you can see it everybody.
The saying “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover” is an age old saying...cause it is the fucking truth.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
BOWLING
Start by finding a ball that is the right weight (get your mind out of the gutter)...I usually have to pick up 3-5 balls to find on I like (once I find the right one I give it a little spin in my hands)...all right, we got our ball, time to line up with the pins, start with your feet together, pull the bowling ball up to your chest...as you step your left leg forward, swing your right arm with the ball back, as you take a step or two forward let your arm swing forward and right as your hand passes your hip let the ball fly...I kinda lean to the side as it goes down the lane...and victory dance...cause it is a STRIKE.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Blog 63: Insecurities
Blog 63: Insecurities
How are we okay with who we are no matter what?
My friend fell this last week and scratched my face when he went down...and this whole week I have felt like a dumb ass cause I give a shit that my face was scratched...but I can’t lie...it totally bothered me.
I thought about how I felt when I had psoriasis and was covered in head to toe spots, like a leper...how could I let this one section of my face fuck with me so much?
Then I thought about the people that have a scar, a handicap, a disfigurement...how selfish and petty I was being...
What the fuck was wrong with me?
Well that is a loaded question, to say the least...so let us just focus on the point at hand.
The truth of the matter is that I have been feeling insure about a lot of shit lately...and as I starred myself down in the mirror...I realized that I had to snap the hell out of this tailspin.
Sometimes we all need to check ourselves.
Sometimes we need others to check ourselves...
I was on the phone with one of my dearest friends a couple days ago and he was like, “Are you okay?”
I replied, “Why the fuck are you asking me that?”
“Well ding dong, you keep on cutting your hair, and when girls keep on cutting their hair there is something wrong.”
Busted...I thought in me head...”No, I am not okay, but I will be okay...I promise.”
Sometimes you need to get okay with yourself if not for you, but for your dear friends who love you, whom have enough shit that they have to deal with, without having to worry about if you are okay...
Cause the messed up face was just the tip of the iceberg...I am frustrated with my career, I am unnerved with my financial situation, I am upset I have not been able to go farther with my writing...and so many other things...I feel like I have let myself down...I sense I have let my parents down, a notion that knocks me down even further...an ideal, I so do not want to be true.
And all this contemplating left me in tears, unable to move, stuck in bed...I am a firm believer that sometimes we need to wallow in our own self-pity to truly realize how pathetic we really are.
A Queen came and visited me that day in bed, she brought margaritas and love...and as she expressed to me how proud I should be of myself, how far I have come, that I did it on my own, how I would have truly let my parents down if I had stayed in an unhappy marriage and not risked everything for a chance at my dreams...all my insecurities I wailed to her, she simply smiled and gave me her perspective...one that was the total opposite of how I was feeling, and while it is totally possible that neither of us was totally right...neither of us were completely wrong either, the truth lied in the middle, but was not going to be achieved with me laying in bed.
In rising the next morning I limped to the mirror (yes I actually injured myself shooting out of a kid’s slide...something that does not improve one's notion of being "insecure")...and as I starred the looking glass down once more...I gazed upon the emerald eyes that I have tried to understand for so long and tried to comprehend how to be a peace with my insecurities.
And I realized, I just have to accept them.
All the things I don’t like about me, I can do my very best to change, to grow...but in the end, if it is who I am...it is who I am, and I must love that, accept that...no matter what.
In acknowledging my shortcomings...I come to terms with my humanity.
For while I am a princess, I am still mortal...therefore the things that I am insecure about, are the very notions that I learn from...that I use as steppingstones in the hopes of my enlightenment.
Questioning what makes me happy, what satisfies me...is a much needed tune-up along my path...
I called my friend back, and thanked him for calling me out...and I let him know that I would be okay.
I told him about the writing jobs I had applied for, the school I had looked into, the decisions I had come to and the realizations...that instead of simply dreaming of a better, different life, I had to take action.
He replied, “Remember, if you don’t have dreams...you only have nightmares.”
So as I arise from my bed of self pity...I keep my dreams on the horizon, and realized as long as I simply strive for what I desire, and be content with how far I have come...any insecurities I might have are only skin deep, and the more I try to overcome my insecurities and either change them or be at peace with them...the closer I come to my dreams becoming my reality.
Sometimes the things that make us cry the most...are the very things that give us the most strength...
It is simply in one’s perception.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE WALKER (this is not my own dance, but was shown to me by a certain “fancy” lady that I know)
Start by putting you hands at 2 and 10 on the walker...about shoulder length apart...now you want to lean forward too (have you ever seen an old person using a walker who is not leaning forward)...now lift the walker with both hands at the same time about 2 inches forward and take a small step...breathe, take a couple second rest and repeat...until finally you get to where you need to go.
How are we okay with who we are no matter what?
My friend fell this last week and scratched my face when he went down...and this whole week I have felt like a dumb ass cause I give a shit that my face was scratched...but I can’t lie...it totally bothered me.
I thought about how I felt when I had psoriasis and was covered in head to toe spots, like a leper...how could I let this one section of my face fuck with me so much?
Then I thought about the people that have a scar, a handicap, a disfigurement...how selfish and petty I was being...
What the fuck was wrong with me?
Well that is a loaded question, to say the least...so let us just focus on the point at hand.
The truth of the matter is that I have been feeling insure about a lot of shit lately...and as I starred myself down in the mirror...I realized that I had to snap the hell out of this tailspin.
Sometimes we all need to check ourselves.
Sometimes we need others to check ourselves...
I was on the phone with one of my dearest friends a couple days ago and he was like, “Are you okay?”
I replied, “Why the fuck are you asking me that?”
“Well ding dong, you keep on cutting your hair, and when girls keep on cutting their hair there is something wrong.”
Busted...I thought in me head...”No, I am not okay, but I will be okay...I promise.”
Sometimes you need to get okay with yourself if not for you, but for your dear friends who love you, whom have enough shit that they have to deal with, without having to worry about if you are okay...
Cause the messed up face was just the tip of the iceberg...I am frustrated with my career, I am unnerved with my financial situation, I am upset I have not been able to go farther with my writing...and so many other things...I feel like I have let myself down...I sense I have let my parents down, a notion that knocks me down even further...an ideal, I so do not want to be true.
And all this contemplating left me in tears, unable to move, stuck in bed...I am a firm believer that sometimes we need to wallow in our own self-pity to truly realize how pathetic we really are.
A Queen came and visited me that day in bed, she brought margaritas and love...and as she expressed to me how proud I should be of myself, how far I have come, that I did it on my own, how I would have truly let my parents down if I had stayed in an unhappy marriage and not risked everything for a chance at my dreams...all my insecurities I wailed to her, she simply smiled and gave me her perspective...one that was the total opposite of how I was feeling, and while it is totally possible that neither of us was totally right...neither of us were completely wrong either, the truth lied in the middle, but was not going to be achieved with me laying in bed.
In rising the next morning I limped to the mirror (yes I actually injured myself shooting out of a kid’s slide...something that does not improve one's notion of being "insecure")...and as I starred the looking glass down once more...I gazed upon the emerald eyes that I have tried to understand for so long and tried to comprehend how to be a peace with my insecurities.
And I realized, I just have to accept them.
All the things I don’t like about me, I can do my very best to change, to grow...but in the end, if it is who I am...it is who I am, and I must love that, accept that...no matter what.
In acknowledging my shortcomings...I come to terms with my humanity.
For while I am a princess, I am still mortal...therefore the things that I am insecure about, are the very notions that I learn from...that I use as steppingstones in the hopes of my enlightenment.
Questioning what makes me happy, what satisfies me...is a much needed tune-up along my path...
I called my friend back, and thanked him for calling me out...and I let him know that I would be okay.
I told him about the writing jobs I had applied for, the school I had looked into, the decisions I had come to and the realizations...that instead of simply dreaming of a better, different life, I had to take action.
He replied, “Remember, if you don’t have dreams...you only have nightmares.”
So as I arise from my bed of self pity...I keep my dreams on the horizon, and realized as long as I simply strive for what I desire, and be content with how far I have come...any insecurities I might have are only skin deep, and the more I try to overcome my insecurities and either change them or be at peace with them...the closer I come to my dreams becoming my reality.
Sometimes the things that make us cry the most...are the very things that give us the most strength...
It is simply in one’s perception.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE WALKER (this is not my own dance, but was shown to me by a certain “fancy” lady that I know)
Start by putting you hands at 2 and 10 on the walker...about shoulder length apart...now you want to lean forward too (have you ever seen an old person using a walker who is not leaning forward)...now lift the walker with both hands at the same time about 2 inches forward and take a small step...breathe, take a couple second rest and repeat...until finally you get to where you need to go.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Blog 62: The Power of Glitter! (Part One)
Blog 62: The Power of Glitter! (Part One)
As I opened my gate to get ready to brace the world for the first time in a week after being sick, the sun beat down on my shoulders and I almost fell back due to the presence of the crack head peeing two feet from me, dick in hand...fuck facing a wall or going in between two cars, just stand in the middle of the sidewalk and let it all go.
I quickly looked down at my nose (as I often do in the Tenderloin when I see something that I don’t want to)...the specks of Glitter on my nose blinded me instantly and made me not able to look back up (thank God)...reason number 43 why Glitter is fucking awesomeness.
My History with Glitter...
I did not always wear Glitter, in fact I thought it was kinda weird that people in San Francisco rocked the Glitter when I moved back home from Eugene. I remember the first time I sported it was a few New Year’s Eves back...my sister saw me getting dressed up and I asked her what I was missing, she said “Glitter”...I was a little nervous but went for it, she told me, “If there is a day to wear Glitter, New Year’s Eve is it.”
Now while I had popped my Glitter cherry I had still not warmed up to the idea completely...until I met my awesome boss...the one who I love so much and learn so much from...(Blog 54)...she not only wears glitter but even little glittery eye gems from time to time...one day I put some glitter on my eyes where most people put eye shadow...I asked her how it looked and she looked me dead in the eye, lifted her finger and replied, “Never be afraid to Sparkle.”
When I glitter little children now, as I often do...it can stop them from crying, it can help them finish their breakfast when I am working brunch, it can make their brother stop teasing them (especially if you glitter him too) and make them settle down when they are bouncing off the walls, and every time I glitter them, I repeat what my boss said, “Never be afraid to Sparkle.”
I think that was why I was afraid of glitter in the beginning, because I was scared to sparkle, to stand out...oh how times have changed...I am a firm believer in “Spreading the Sparkle.”
Now I wear glitter everyday (unless I’m sick)...I put in on my eyelids and my orbital bone, the last part I do so that when I hug people, a little bit of glitter rubs of on them. “Spreading the Sparkle” is right bitches.
And I have been known to sparkle mass groups of people...whether it is the 60-75 people I got at the Boom Boom Room (Blog 13)...people still talk about that and the whole room sparkled...or certain days I work at the restaurant...once I got everyone who worked there, all the customers, even the two puppies outside...Glittered...it was one of my proudest moments.
Some guys are like, “What do I tell my girlfriend?”
Tell them you got sparkled by one of those crazy glitter chicks...this is San Francisco, as long as you ain’t rocking glitter on your cock, you should be okay, and if your chick is that up tight...well, honey...that is your own hell to have to deal with, not mine.
Once I went to a show where the band I work for was playing and I sparkled one of the guys from the opening act and he yelled at me!!! He was like, “This is so disrespectful, I can’t believe you glittered me, how am I suppose to get up on stage in front of these people with glitter on my face.”
Well, first off, I did say opening band, so he wasn’t going to get back up on stage any time soon, second off, honey this is the music business, you are going to have to get used to hot girls glittering you...so Nut the Fuck up and deal...it’s big boy pant time now.
On the night of glittering the Boom Boom Room I got one of my friends who hates glitter with a passion, he stood there looking at me in shock, I returned the gaze with a massive smile, wide eyes and a “what the fuck is he going to do to me” expression on my face...
He replied with, “Fuck, I have been saying for months that whoever glittered me I was going to give them the most massive amount of psychedelics that I could.”
I was like, “Sweet, give me,” and held out my hand out excitedly...
He was like, “I know, that is why I am so upset, because of all the people to glitter me, you are the one person who would be TOTALLY okay with this punishment.”...what a glorious evening I had...ohhhhh, the colors, the sparkles, the moonbeams and unicorns...wow.
Sometimes I just sneak a Glitter...someone will be talking to me and I will just pull it out of my purse and WAMMMMMM! They look at me and I just stand their beaming my pretty smile, enjoying my work, and they just shake their heads...then I look them dead in the eye, lift my finger and say, “Never be afraid to Sparkle.”
Glitter, just makes me smile...and I am a firm believer that we all sparkle, with or without glitter, I am just taping into my “inner sparkle”...
And if you don’t like glitter, well more for me, I do recommend that if you hug me you don’t let me “snugglet” you cause you will be covered (you should see my mom when I am done with her...tee hee hee)...and usually if people tell me they don’t like glitter I will leave them alone, unless you threaten me with copious amounts of psychedelics...than whose fault is that, really.
Glitter helps everything just look better, and when you live in the Tenderloin, and see the shit that I see...you could use some sparkle...maybe if the crack heads tapped into their “inner sparkle” they might see how grey and dark smoking crack is...
Maybe one day I won’t need to wear glitter cause everyone will be aware that they sparkle without glitter...maybe one day we will all recognize how awesome we all really are...
Until that day, and maybe even after...I will be rocking my Glitter and “Spreading the Sparkle” as any good Princess should.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
SPREADING THE SPARKLE
Start by putting some Glitter on your orbital bone (once again for those who don’t know, the orbital bone is the half-moon shaped bone underneath your eye)...now go out on the town and start to meet new people and run into peeps that you know, when you hug them, make sure your cheek gets some cheek on cheek contact with them...pull away, give them a look and say, “you’re sparkly” and walk away, they won’t even notice...by the time you are done with the evening, you might have to put your sunglasses on...cause the town will be blinging!
As I opened my gate to get ready to brace the world for the first time in a week after being sick, the sun beat down on my shoulders and I almost fell back due to the presence of the crack head peeing two feet from me, dick in hand...fuck facing a wall or going in between two cars, just stand in the middle of the sidewalk and let it all go.
I quickly looked down at my nose (as I often do in the Tenderloin when I see something that I don’t want to)...the specks of Glitter on my nose blinded me instantly and made me not able to look back up (thank God)...reason number 43 why Glitter is fucking awesomeness.
My History with Glitter...
I did not always wear Glitter, in fact I thought it was kinda weird that people in San Francisco rocked the Glitter when I moved back home from Eugene. I remember the first time I sported it was a few New Year’s Eves back...my sister saw me getting dressed up and I asked her what I was missing, she said “Glitter”...I was a little nervous but went for it, she told me, “If there is a day to wear Glitter, New Year’s Eve is it.”
Now while I had popped my Glitter cherry I had still not warmed up to the idea completely...until I met my awesome boss...the one who I love so much and learn so much from...(Blog 54)...she not only wears glitter but even little glittery eye gems from time to time...one day I put some glitter on my eyes where most people put eye shadow...I asked her how it looked and she looked me dead in the eye, lifted her finger and replied, “Never be afraid to Sparkle.”
When I glitter little children now, as I often do...it can stop them from crying, it can help them finish their breakfast when I am working brunch, it can make their brother stop teasing them (especially if you glitter him too) and make them settle down when they are bouncing off the walls, and every time I glitter them, I repeat what my boss said, “Never be afraid to Sparkle.”
I think that was why I was afraid of glitter in the beginning, because I was scared to sparkle, to stand out...oh how times have changed...I am a firm believer in “Spreading the Sparkle.”
Now I wear glitter everyday (unless I’m sick)...I put in on my eyelids and my orbital bone, the last part I do so that when I hug people, a little bit of glitter rubs of on them. “Spreading the Sparkle” is right bitches.
And I have been known to sparkle mass groups of people...whether it is the 60-75 people I got at the Boom Boom Room (Blog 13)...people still talk about that and the whole room sparkled...or certain days I work at the restaurant...once I got everyone who worked there, all the customers, even the two puppies outside...Glittered...it was one of my proudest moments.
Some guys are like, “What do I tell my girlfriend?”
Tell them you got sparkled by one of those crazy glitter chicks...this is San Francisco, as long as you ain’t rocking glitter on your cock, you should be okay, and if your chick is that up tight...well, honey...that is your own hell to have to deal with, not mine.
Once I went to a show where the band I work for was playing and I sparkled one of the guys from the opening act and he yelled at me!!! He was like, “This is so disrespectful, I can’t believe you glittered me, how am I suppose to get up on stage in front of these people with glitter on my face.”
Well, first off, I did say opening band, so he wasn’t going to get back up on stage any time soon, second off, honey this is the music business, you are going to have to get used to hot girls glittering you...so Nut the Fuck up and deal...it’s big boy pant time now.
On the night of glittering the Boom Boom Room I got one of my friends who hates glitter with a passion, he stood there looking at me in shock, I returned the gaze with a massive smile, wide eyes and a “what the fuck is he going to do to me” expression on my face...
He replied with, “Fuck, I have been saying for months that whoever glittered me I was going to give them the most massive amount of psychedelics that I could.”
I was like, “Sweet, give me,” and held out my hand out excitedly...
He was like, “I know, that is why I am so upset, because of all the people to glitter me, you are the one person who would be TOTALLY okay with this punishment.”...what a glorious evening I had...ohhhhh, the colors, the sparkles, the moonbeams and unicorns...wow.
Sometimes I just sneak a Glitter...someone will be talking to me and I will just pull it out of my purse and WAMMMMMM! They look at me and I just stand their beaming my pretty smile, enjoying my work, and they just shake their heads...then I look them dead in the eye, lift my finger and say, “Never be afraid to Sparkle.”
Glitter, just makes me smile...and I am a firm believer that we all sparkle, with or without glitter, I am just taping into my “inner sparkle”...
And if you don’t like glitter, well more for me, I do recommend that if you hug me you don’t let me “snugglet” you cause you will be covered (you should see my mom when I am done with her...tee hee hee)...and usually if people tell me they don’t like glitter I will leave them alone, unless you threaten me with copious amounts of psychedelics...than whose fault is that, really.
Glitter helps everything just look better, and when you live in the Tenderloin, and see the shit that I see...you could use some sparkle...maybe if the crack heads tapped into their “inner sparkle” they might see how grey and dark smoking crack is...
Maybe one day I won’t need to wear glitter cause everyone will be aware that they sparkle without glitter...maybe one day we will all recognize how awesome we all really are...
Until that day, and maybe even after...I will be rocking my Glitter and “Spreading the Sparkle” as any good Princess should.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
SPREADING THE SPARKLE
Start by putting some Glitter on your orbital bone (once again for those who don’t know, the orbital bone is the half-moon shaped bone underneath your eye)...now go out on the town and start to meet new people and run into peeps that you know, when you hug them, make sure your cheek gets some cheek on cheek contact with them...pull away, give them a look and say, “you’re sparkly” and walk away, they won’t even notice...by the time you are done with the evening, you might have to put your sunglasses on...cause the town will be blinging!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Blog 61: Chodes in Action...(Adventures of a Chode Hunter Part Three)
Blog 61: Chodes In Action...(Adventures of a Chode Hunter Part Three)
Adventures of a Chode Hunter Parts One & Two are Blogs 31 and 52.
...As the rain rests in the distant a faint smell has approached the Tenderloin, and no, it is not the excess of urine brewing (that is a smell I must sadly say I have almost...almost is a key word here peeps...become accustomed to)
And it is not the smell of crack being smoked on both sides of me as I walk out of my apartment...the smell of piss is way stronger than that...
No, No, No...it is the smell of silly and not-so-silly trouble, of odd looks... giggles, loud snorts and a hushed voice saying “welllllllllll”
Yes, put your noise in the air and let the wind hit and breathe into your senses...sniff...sniff...it smells like some chodes up in this mug.
I do not know if it is the time of year, or the fact that I am single again...maybe my new perfume has a chode attractor I am not aware of...who knows...but in recent weeks, sightings of “Chodes in Action” have multiplied and sightings of Big Foots have gone down...and as a lady, I am always into seeing a big foot more than a chode...(I mean we all know what they say about a man with big feet)...anyhoo...
Sighting #1...
I felt their glazes on the back of my neck...every time I turned I would witness the last speck of them ducking behind another person...and as I twisted around I would catch a glimpse of them darting back out and felt their glance lay in my direction.
For the beginning part of the night we played this game...I trying to dance farther, them weaving behind me, alas the bar was too small and all my maneuvering away had made them weary and like a skilled set of chodes they posted up by the bathroom, where eventually I strolled.
Managing to dodge the chodes on the way in by ducking behind a tall fellow I was not as lucky upon my return...they had created a CHODE BARRIER with two of their friends (Chode Barrier=a line of 3 plus chodes standing shoulder to shoulder in order to not let hotties pass so a chode can than make a lame attempt to hit on a lady)...
As I approached the barrier I exhaled a hallowed breath of defeat...one of the original two men that were canvassing me stepped dead in my path as the three in the back tightened the line...extending his hand to me he said, “My friend thinks you are hot and wants to take you out”...I took a small glance up to see his friend flanking the right side of the line waving at me...the man in front continues...”I think you are pretty hot too, if you like me better”...as he finishes his friend approaches me...
He whispers in my ear...”I think you are hot”
As I stand there, not being able to put my head up, I shake...as giggles build in my belly, I try to remain calm...a giggle snort escapes and I am forced to grab the bar...
As I try to pass the barrier on the left, the Chode on that end grabs my shoulder and says, “I think you are hot”...grabbing his arm and keeping it straight so I could use it to pivot...I retorted...”I will have you all know that I am a cool 96 degrees”...I walked away leaving bewildered looks on their faces...The two chodes only approached me 5 more times that evening, each time, walking up, starring at me and saying “I think you are hot.” (Cause God knows, I hadn’t heard that before.)
Sighting #2
As I avoided the area around the bathroom at the second half of the show, I was approached by a TITLE CHODE (Title Chode= a chode who thinks because of his job, his background, or his status that he is hot and should get laid...i.e...I am a doctor, I am blah, blah, blah the third, I am a musician, I am Italian, I surf...that just this one aspect of them is enough to get them laid...oh and ps...most of the time the Title Chodes are lying and full of shit)
Without an introduction a young CIT (Chode in Training) approached and looked at me and said in the worst fake English accent ever... “I’m British”...I looked at him with my big doe eyes and a blank expression, he repeated... ”I’m British”...(was there a “Today we are all playing the Repeat Game” memo that I missed or something)...being flustered from the barrier before I replied with my standard...
“Wellllll, I only fuck chickens...definitely not English men.”
He excitedly replied in his real voice, “Can I watch.”
Again, the hallow breath of defeat, this time, lost at my own game...exhausted by the stench of not only chode but defeat...the final twist of the sword came when the CIT leaned in and said in the attempted English accent, “I would love to watch, and don’t forget...I’m British.”
I grabbed a cocktail napkin from the bar and raised it above my head, signaling the sign of surrender...(A Chode Hunter must call surrender when she has had to much chode-ness, or she might be devoured by all that is chode-ness...and start to respond...and feeding a chode’s fire, is the last thing you want to do.)
No good-bye lap at this show, my friends would understand when I told them I was under “Chode Attack” and outside I ran to hail a cab...
Sighting #3
As I whistled with my purple-flashlight-whistle-thingy...a town car pulled up...after he told me it would only be 10 bucks to take me home, I hopped in.
As he began to hit on me, I became uncomfortable and told him I was suddenly hungry and wanted him to stop soon so I could get a bite to eat...as he pulled up to a taco place I gave him 10 dollars and got out of the car...he tried to give me back my money and told me that he would come in with me and give me a ride home.
I explained to him that I liked to walk after I eat and would be walking home and he could go about his work evening...as he began to exit the car I put my whistle back to my lips and started to blow shrill-high-pitched notes out all while I pointed my finger at the driver...a chode is not always a dumb-ass for off the town car driver drove (please note: when you are driving or with a CHODE CREEPER wait till you are in a place with other people around before you let them know you are not interested...be a smart and safe Chode Hunter)
As I walked my way home, cork screw in one hand, whistle-flashlight-thingy in the other...I let the cold air numb my mind...I thought of all the other chode encounters I had experienced through out the week...
I needed to go home and re-energize and get my defenses back up, for this battle was far fiercer than I could have imagined...and as I walked into the pit of the Tenderloin the smell of urine overtook me and made me take two steps back...but the taste of chode lingered on my tongue...
Until the Next Hunt...
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
FIXING THE SINK
All right, walk up to the sink and turn on the water, open up the cabinet below the sink and check for any leaks, ohhhh, there is one...turn of the water and get down on your knees, grab your wrench from your tool box and start to work on tightening the pipe action-ness...remember... righty=tighty ...now turn the water back on, YES!!!! You stopped the leak, now please pull up the back of your pants...jezzzzzz...
Adventures of a Chode Hunter Parts One & Two are Blogs 31 and 52.
...As the rain rests in the distant a faint smell has approached the Tenderloin, and no, it is not the excess of urine brewing (that is a smell I must sadly say I have almost...almost is a key word here peeps...become accustomed to)
And it is not the smell of crack being smoked on both sides of me as I walk out of my apartment...the smell of piss is way stronger than that...
No, No, No...it is the smell of silly and not-so-silly trouble, of odd looks... giggles, loud snorts and a hushed voice saying “welllllllllll”
Yes, put your noise in the air and let the wind hit and breathe into your senses...sniff...sniff...it smells like some chodes up in this mug.
I do not know if it is the time of year, or the fact that I am single again...maybe my new perfume has a chode attractor I am not aware of...who knows...but in recent weeks, sightings of “Chodes in Action” have multiplied and sightings of Big Foots have gone down...and as a lady, I am always into seeing a big foot more than a chode...(I mean we all know what they say about a man with big feet)...anyhoo...
Sighting #1...
I felt their glazes on the back of my neck...every time I turned I would witness the last speck of them ducking behind another person...and as I twisted around I would catch a glimpse of them darting back out and felt their glance lay in my direction.
For the beginning part of the night we played this game...I trying to dance farther, them weaving behind me, alas the bar was too small and all my maneuvering away had made them weary and like a skilled set of chodes they posted up by the bathroom, where eventually I strolled.
Managing to dodge the chodes on the way in by ducking behind a tall fellow I was not as lucky upon my return...they had created a CHODE BARRIER with two of their friends (Chode Barrier=a line of 3 plus chodes standing shoulder to shoulder in order to not let hotties pass so a chode can than make a lame attempt to hit on a lady)...
As I approached the barrier I exhaled a hallowed breath of defeat...one of the original two men that were canvassing me stepped dead in my path as the three in the back tightened the line...extending his hand to me he said, “My friend thinks you are hot and wants to take you out”...I took a small glance up to see his friend flanking the right side of the line waving at me...the man in front continues...”I think you are pretty hot too, if you like me better”...as he finishes his friend approaches me...
He whispers in my ear...”I think you are hot”
As I stand there, not being able to put my head up, I shake...as giggles build in my belly, I try to remain calm...a giggle snort escapes and I am forced to grab the bar...
As I try to pass the barrier on the left, the Chode on that end grabs my shoulder and says, “I think you are hot”...grabbing his arm and keeping it straight so I could use it to pivot...I retorted...”I will have you all know that I am a cool 96 degrees”...I walked away leaving bewildered looks on their faces...The two chodes only approached me 5 more times that evening, each time, walking up, starring at me and saying “I think you are hot.” (Cause God knows, I hadn’t heard that before.)
Sighting #2
As I avoided the area around the bathroom at the second half of the show, I was approached by a TITLE CHODE (Title Chode= a chode who thinks because of his job, his background, or his status that he is hot and should get laid...i.e...I am a doctor, I am blah, blah, blah the third, I am a musician, I am Italian, I surf...that just this one aspect of them is enough to get them laid...oh and ps...most of the time the Title Chodes are lying and full of shit)
Without an introduction a young CIT (Chode in Training) approached and looked at me and said in the worst fake English accent ever... “I’m British”...I looked at him with my big doe eyes and a blank expression, he repeated... ”I’m British”...(was there a “Today we are all playing the Repeat Game” memo that I missed or something)...being flustered from the barrier before I replied with my standard...
“Wellllll, I only fuck chickens...definitely not English men.”
He excitedly replied in his real voice, “Can I watch.”
Again, the hallow breath of defeat, this time, lost at my own game...exhausted by the stench of not only chode but defeat...the final twist of the sword came when the CIT leaned in and said in the attempted English accent, “I would love to watch, and don’t forget...I’m British.”
I grabbed a cocktail napkin from the bar and raised it above my head, signaling the sign of surrender...(A Chode Hunter must call surrender when she has had to much chode-ness, or she might be devoured by all that is chode-ness...and start to respond...and feeding a chode’s fire, is the last thing you want to do.)
No good-bye lap at this show, my friends would understand when I told them I was under “Chode Attack” and outside I ran to hail a cab...
Sighting #3
As I whistled with my purple-flashlight-whistle-thingy...a town car pulled up...after he told me it would only be 10 bucks to take me home, I hopped in.
As he began to hit on me, I became uncomfortable and told him I was suddenly hungry and wanted him to stop soon so I could get a bite to eat...as he pulled up to a taco place I gave him 10 dollars and got out of the car...he tried to give me back my money and told me that he would come in with me and give me a ride home.
I explained to him that I liked to walk after I eat and would be walking home and he could go about his work evening...as he began to exit the car I put my whistle back to my lips and started to blow shrill-high-pitched notes out all while I pointed my finger at the driver...a chode is not always a dumb-ass for off the town car driver drove (please note: when you are driving or with a CHODE CREEPER wait till you are in a place with other people around before you let them know you are not interested...be a smart and safe Chode Hunter)
As I walked my way home, cork screw in one hand, whistle-flashlight-thingy in the other...I let the cold air numb my mind...I thought of all the other chode encounters I had experienced through out the week...
I needed to go home and re-energize and get my defenses back up, for this battle was far fiercer than I could have imagined...and as I walked into the pit of the Tenderloin the smell of urine overtook me and made me take two steps back...but the taste of chode lingered on my tongue...
Until the Next Hunt...
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
FIXING THE SINK
All right, walk up to the sink and turn on the water, open up the cabinet below the sink and check for any leaks, ohhhh, there is one...turn of the water and get down on your knees, grab your wrench from your tool box and start to work on tightening the pipe action-ness...remember... righty=tighty ...now turn the water back on, YES!!!! You stopped the leak, now please pull up the back of your pants...jezzzzzz...
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Blog 60: Being Heartbroken Sucks! (Love Tales Part V)
Blog 60: Being Heartbroken Sucks! (Love Tales Part V)
(Love Tales Parts I-IV are Blogs 10, 17, 35 & 47)
Sometimes I hate that these are my diaries and I have to be so fucking honest, that I have to show my weaknesses and my insecurities and put all this shit out there...but I am a firm believer that being honest is one of the best things that I can do...and this project began as my diaries, and I am going to stay true to that...no matter how much of a ding dong it makes me feel.
I am heartbroken and it SUCKS!!!!
It is like this hallow valley in the middle of my core that I can’t seem to cross, I will see an oasis once in a while along the desert path, but it is only a mirage, hiding the numbness that has taken over my being.
This is a notion I have been fighting for so long, but a decision I knew I had to make.
I met this man before I even started writing my diaries...he has been with me since the beginning. I have written about my frustrations, I have confessed my love for him for everyone to read, I have declared my freedom and acknowledge my comfort in his warmth. Yet our relationship has compared to the fiercest battle of ping-pong championship level action-ness ever.
We are lovers, we are in a relationship, we are committed, we aren’t committed, we are together, we are broken up, we got back together but we aren’t committed, we are committed...ahhhhhhhhhh.
(Anytime we were committed I stayed true...I take solace in that...anytime we were not committed I didn’t stop searching.)
I knew I had to come to a firm resolution this time around cause my neck was starting to fucking hurt...not to mention my heart.
I saw it touch down upon the horizon, others saw it...My friend told me a couple weeks ago while we butt walked, “ever since your trip I have seen you mourning the end of this relationship, and not being able to get there yet.” Maybe you did too, after all, one does not write “Being Alone” when their matters of the heart are at peace...I personally drank for like a week.
And as I dealt with the passing of a friend, I longed to have my partner by my side, to be held in his warmth, to simply cry in his arms.
Yet that was not an option for me...because I think one of the main reasons our relationship didn’t work was that he was never here...his job is on the road and when he was off the road he was like 3,000 miles away, where he lives...and that shit, that shit is hard...no matter how deep the connection fucking is.
And if I am going to commit to someone, I need them here, not all the time, but more often than not.
But what makes all of this so fucking hard...is how much we both truly love each other. Anyone that saw us together could see it, we both cannot deny it...it is the one thing that kept us coming back to each other. A deep-rooted connection that neither of us had ever experienced...the “wow” factor.
But we were not on the same page in life, and I am pretty sure that if one of us were able to, we would have offered the other a chance to jump aboard ship and experience the journey together...but neither of us were financially capable of doing that for the other...and I also think we were both too hurt from past relationships and losses to trust the other with our hearts as innocently as we should...guarded with our feelings...would be a good way to describe it.
I have often said, “Sometimes people can’t love each other the way they need to be loved.”
And it is a lesson I keep on learning.
And to be quite honest, a lesson I hate.
The only thing I can do is to learn from this, maybe that will dampen the sorrow that has begun to make my body ache.
Cause the truth of the matter is, I miss him...I do that thing that really pisses me off where I look at my phone to see if he called (to the point where I have just started to turn my phone off so I don’t look at that stupid thing anymore)...I check my email to see if he sent me a note and I think about reaching out to him even though I know I must stay strong...
For this conclusion has been reached for a reason.
The last time we broke...I jumped into a relationship with someone else way to fast and when I discovered it wasn’t right for me...and became so confused I yelled “Sabbatical”...(Yeah, that lasted for like 3 weeks...and I was totally impressed with myself...and if fact, this man is the only man I have been with since I broke sabbatical and since we have been apart for over a month...I have been on an un-purposed sabbatical, but one none the less)...And when I went back to him, he said that things would be different...but walking the walk and talking the talk are not the same things...and sometimes the talk that people talk...is not the walk they wish to take.
And when you truly love someone, you need them to take the path that makes them happy, and if that is not a direction that makes you happy, you need to acknowledge that, hug them a soft and everlasting hug, and ascend upon your own road that leads to your self-satisfaction.
Ain’t that the fucking truth!
My emotions go in ungallant waves, I’m okay, I’m not okay...yet I know, just as my daddy says, “This too shall pass.”
I walked the Labyrinth yesterday at Grace’s Cathedral...I started thinking, I can do this...than changed to...I have been here before...are we there yet...how did I end up close to the beginning...now I am more closer to the outside than the center...and than, just like that...I made it.
The whole time that I was having doubts, part of my mind acknowledged the fact that I knew I would make it...because I have before.
I knew I would question whether or not I could get to the center...but did not second guess what the end result would be.
And as I walk the Labyrinth of heartbreak, I know how the story ends but can’t help but ask, “Are we there yet?”
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
PAINTING THE WALL
(Cause sometimes, you just need a new coat of paint)
All right, start by laying out your tarp, than begin taping the ceiling and the floor (remember we have other dancing moves to do and this is painting the “wall” not “room” so there is no need to go “tape crazy”)...go grab your paint can and the tray you pour the paint action into and the roller thingy and bring them to your tarp...open the paint can, damm that shit is a bitch and a half, don’t forget to stir the paint, pour it out on the tray action, grab your roller thingy, get some paint up on that bitch, and put a coat up on that wall...and do it right, or you will just keep on having to do it again and again.
That was some hard fucking shit to fucking write.
(Love Tales Parts I-IV are Blogs 10, 17, 35 & 47)
Sometimes I hate that these are my diaries and I have to be so fucking honest, that I have to show my weaknesses and my insecurities and put all this shit out there...but I am a firm believer that being honest is one of the best things that I can do...and this project began as my diaries, and I am going to stay true to that...no matter how much of a ding dong it makes me feel.
I am heartbroken and it SUCKS!!!!
It is like this hallow valley in the middle of my core that I can’t seem to cross, I will see an oasis once in a while along the desert path, but it is only a mirage, hiding the numbness that has taken over my being.
This is a notion I have been fighting for so long, but a decision I knew I had to make.
I met this man before I even started writing my diaries...he has been with me since the beginning. I have written about my frustrations, I have confessed my love for him for everyone to read, I have declared my freedom and acknowledge my comfort in his warmth. Yet our relationship has compared to the fiercest battle of ping-pong championship level action-ness ever.
We are lovers, we are in a relationship, we are committed, we aren’t committed, we are together, we are broken up, we got back together but we aren’t committed, we are committed...ahhhhhhhhhh.
(Anytime we were committed I stayed true...I take solace in that...anytime we were not committed I didn’t stop searching.)
I knew I had to come to a firm resolution this time around cause my neck was starting to fucking hurt...not to mention my heart.
I saw it touch down upon the horizon, others saw it...My friend told me a couple weeks ago while we butt walked, “ever since your trip I have seen you mourning the end of this relationship, and not being able to get there yet.” Maybe you did too, after all, one does not write “Being Alone” when their matters of the heart are at peace...I personally drank for like a week.
And as I dealt with the passing of a friend, I longed to have my partner by my side, to be held in his warmth, to simply cry in his arms.
Yet that was not an option for me...because I think one of the main reasons our relationship didn’t work was that he was never here...his job is on the road and when he was off the road he was like 3,000 miles away, where he lives...and that shit, that shit is hard...no matter how deep the connection fucking is.
And if I am going to commit to someone, I need them here, not all the time, but more often than not.
But what makes all of this so fucking hard...is how much we both truly love each other. Anyone that saw us together could see it, we both cannot deny it...it is the one thing that kept us coming back to each other. A deep-rooted connection that neither of us had ever experienced...the “wow” factor.
But we were not on the same page in life, and I am pretty sure that if one of us were able to, we would have offered the other a chance to jump aboard ship and experience the journey together...but neither of us were financially capable of doing that for the other...and I also think we were both too hurt from past relationships and losses to trust the other with our hearts as innocently as we should...guarded with our feelings...would be a good way to describe it.
I have often said, “Sometimes people can’t love each other the way they need to be loved.”
And it is a lesson I keep on learning.
And to be quite honest, a lesson I hate.
The only thing I can do is to learn from this, maybe that will dampen the sorrow that has begun to make my body ache.
Cause the truth of the matter is, I miss him...I do that thing that really pisses me off where I look at my phone to see if he called (to the point where I have just started to turn my phone off so I don’t look at that stupid thing anymore)...I check my email to see if he sent me a note and I think about reaching out to him even though I know I must stay strong...
For this conclusion has been reached for a reason.
The last time we broke...I jumped into a relationship with someone else way to fast and when I discovered it wasn’t right for me...and became so confused I yelled “Sabbatical”...(Yeah, that lasted for like 3 weeks...and I was totally impressed with myself...and if fact, this man is the only man I have been with since I broke sabbatical and since we have been apart for over a month...I have been on an un-purposed sabbatical, but one none the less)...And when I went back to him, he said that things would be different...but walking the walk and talking the talk are not the same things...and sometimes the talk that people talk...is not the walk they wish to take.
And when you truly love someone, you need them to take the path that makes them happy, and if that is not a direction that makes you happy, you need to acknowledge that, hug them a soft and everlasting hug, and ascend upon your own road that leads to your self-satisfaction.
Ain’t that the fucking truth!
My emotions go in ungallant waves, I’m okay, I’m not okay...yet I know, just as my daddy says, “This too shall pass.”
I walked the Labyrinth yesterday at Grace’s Cathedral...I started thinking, I can do this...than changed to...I have been here before...are we there yet...how did I end up close to the beginning...now I am more closer to the outside than the center...and than, just like that...I made it.
The whole time that I was having doubts, part of my mind acknowledged the fact that I knew I would make it...because I have before.
I knew I would question whether or not I could get to the center...but did not second guess what the end result would be.
And as I walk the Labyrinth of heartbreak, I know how the story ends but can’t help but ask, “Are we there yet?”
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
PAINTING THE WALL
(Cause sometimes, you just need a new coat of paint)
All right, start by laying out your tarp, than begin taping the ceiling and the floor (remember we have other dancing moves to do and this is painting the “wall” not “room” so there is no need to go “tape crazy”)...go grab your paint can and the tray you pour the paint action into and the roller thingy and bring them to your tarp...open the paint can, damm that shit is a bitch and a half, don’t forget to stir the paint, pour it out on the tray action, grab your roller thingy, get some paint up on that bitch, and put a coat up on that wall...and do it right, or you will just keep on having to do it again and again.
That was some hard fucking shit to fucking write.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Blog 59: People Don't Change...
Blob 59...People Don’t Change...
(*please note...the following is only my personal opinion, and this does not make it the truth, and lessons and other factors may change my opinion in the future...it is simply my view at this point.*)
People don’t change, they grow...from the highs, the lows and the lessons, they cultivate, slowly morphing into the person that stands before you.
And the person’s breath that stammers upon your face one day, may have evolved the very next.
I hear all the time that you “ You Can’t Change a Man.”
Well darlin, you can’t change anyone.
But they sure the hell can Grow, when they are fucking good and ready.
I personally believe that we are inherently who we are, we have something unique unto ourselves that does not match anyone else...I am also a firm believer that we are inherently good, and mean no ill intention.
The only way I can validate my point is to use myself as an example, for it is the being I know best.
I had very little friends growing up and when I went off to my first college in Humboldt, I lied...I made up stories about my parents and my past so I would sound cool and people would like me.
Can you say dumb ass?
What really gets me about this...Is that my parents are fucking cool as shit, I mean seriously, I brag about my parents all the time now, but at the time, I was young, dumb and needed to learn how to appreciate my parents, a lesson that I have aced with time.
And if I had given myself time to pass, I would have realized that my past is damm fucking special too, I just didn’t have enough confidence.
But throughout the fabrications, I was still me, I was still a good person, a great friend, a goof ball...I was me, my heart was still good and my intentions were pure...I was simply lost.
When I moved from Humboldt, I vowed to start over, to be honest...today I feel like my honesty is one of my best traits.
I see people from Humboldt from time to time and it is a constant reminder for me to be true and pure in my speech.
How much I have grown.
Sometimes you have to be pruned, and shrunken so your growth can go in many new directions.
I used to love to party, and darlin, I mean party...but the second time I had psoriasis I realized the toll my lifestyle was taking on my body...and I simply stopped...The lady that you see grooving at shows now, was not in the same head space a year ago...Funny, I don’t even miss it.
I actually enjoy the lucidity swirling in my brain...a certain clarity and I find myself wanting to do way more than simply “partying”...not to mention I get way more sleep which makes me feel even more awesomeness...
I still go out and have a great time, I still smoke pot and see colors, I even hang out with people that “party”...I simply feel I have a more acute awareness of reality than I used to (and people who are totally loaded I am way more conscious of...totally.)
And the whole thing has made me feel way more older, and wiser.
In fact with age I have begun to look more at myself as the root of my problems, and in order to truly Grow, my roots have to be strong.
I have learned that who I am as a person is truly a beautiful flower...but I am human, and succumb to my wants and desires...and each time I indulge in one of the seven deadly sins I come out wanting to do it less...to truly free myself of my human shortcomings.
Sometimes we don’t grow the way we need to in this lifetime, sometimes it takes many.
Sometimes we are stuck in the same rut, with the same results cause we fail to stare into the mirror...sometimes we stare too hard.
Things will be stagnant until one looks within...for that is where true growth comes from.
No, people don’t change, their core is their core, and it has a light.
It is simply how they choose to channel their light that changes over time.
And as we grow, may our inner light grow...having it become the sun, and encouraging growth within others.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
WASHING THE CAR
All right, start with your bucket of soapy water and your rag...bring that action up to the car, place it down, now grab your hose, brace yourself, and give the car a good squirt down...get your rag all soapy and start to wash your car in a “wax on, wax off” motion...make sure you get it all, including the hubcaps...okay now it is spray down time, you know you got to “accidentally” get the person that walks by your car...opps...all right all the suds are off and it is time to towel dry (please do not use the hood of your car as a slip & slide)...damm, that car is looking clean...totally.
(*please note...the following is only my personal opinion, and this does not make it the truth, and lessons and other factors may change my opinion in the future...it is simply my view at this point.*)
People don’t change, they grow...from the highs, the lows and the lessons, they cultivate, slowly morphing into the person that stands before you.
And the person’s breath that stammers upon your face one day, may have evolved the very next.
I hear all the time that you “ You Can’t Change a Man.”
Well darlin, you can’t change anyone.
But they sure the hell can Grow, when they are fucking good and ready.
I personally believe that we are inherently who we are, we have something unique unto ourselves that does not match anyone else...I am also a firm believer that we are inherently good, and mean no ill intention.
The only way I can validate my point is to use myself as an example, for it is the being I know best.
I had very little friends growing up and when I went off to my first college in Humboldt, I lied...I made up stories about my parents and my past so I would sound cool and people would like me.
Can you say dumb ass?
What really gets me about this...Is that my parents are fucking cool as shit, I mean seriously, I brag about my parents all the time now, but at the time, I was young, dumb and needed to learn how to appreciate my parents, a lesson that I have aced with time.
And if I had given myself time to pass, I would have realized that my past is damm fucking special too, I just didn’t have enough confidence.
But throughout the fabrications, I was still me, I was still a good person, a great friend, a goof ball...I was me, my heart was still good and my intentions were pure...I was simply lost.
When I moved from Humboldt, I vowed to start over, to be honest...today I feel like my honesty is one of my best traits.
I see people from Humboldt from time to time and it is a constant reminder for me to be true and pure in my speech.
How much I have grown.
Sometimes you have to be pruned, and shrunken so your growth can go in many new directions.
I used to love to party, and darlin, I mean party...but the second time I had psoriasis I realized the toll my lifestyle was taking on my body...and I simply stopped...The lady that you see grooving at shows now, was not in the same head space a year ago...Funny, I don’t even miss it.
I actually enjoy the lucidity swirling in my brain...a certain clarity and I find myself wanting to do way more than simply “partying”...not to mention I get way more sleep which makes me feel even more awesomeness...
I still go out and have a great time, I still smoke pot and see colors, I even hang out with people that “party”...I simply feel I have a more acute awareness of reality than I used to (and people who are totally loaded I am way more conscious of...totally.)
And the whole thing has made me feel way more older, and wiser.
In fact with age I have begun to look more at myself as the root of my problems, and in order to truly Grow, my roots have to be strong.
I have learned that who I am as a person is truly a beautiful flower...but I am human, and succumb to my wants and desires...and each time I indulge in one of the seven deadly sins I come out wanting to do it less...to truly free myself of my human shortcomings.
Sometimes we don’t grow the way we need to in this lifetime, sometimes it takes many.
Sometimes we are stuck in the same rut, with the same results cause we fail to stare into the mirror...sometimes we stare too hard.
Things will be stagnant until one looks within...for that is where true growth comes from.
No, people don’t change, their core is their core, and it has a light.
It is simply how they choose to channel their light that changes over time.
And as we grow, may our inner light grow...having it become the sun, and encouraging growth within others.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
WASHING THE CAR
All right, start with your bucket of soapy water and your rag...bring that action up to the car, place it down, now grab your hose, brace yourself, and give the car a good squirt down...get your rag all soapy and start to wash your car in a “wax on, wax off” motion...make sure you get it all, including the hubcaps...okay now it is spray down time, you know you got to “accidentally” get the person that walks by your car...opps...all right all the suds are off and it is time to towel dry (please do not use the hood of your car as a slip & slide)...damm, that car is looking clean...totally.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Blog 58: Blessing & Tenderloin Weapons (Part III)
Blog 58...Blessings & Tenderloin Weapons (Part III)
I need to take a moment to tell everyone how blessed I feel...my family suffered a loss this New Year’s Eve...our friend died, struck by a car after the Further show on the 30th...It is a blow that has struck the family deep, that caused our minds to quake and our hearts to break...
And I feel blessed, for I saw my friend that night of the 30th, I saw him smiling his beautiful smile, I saw him looking fly (he even had his sparkly hat on) I witnessed him enjoying himself in the blissfulness of the show, I had the extreme privilege to tell him that I loved him, all a couple hours before he flew away and left this world.
The last images I have of him in my head are those of him doing what he loved to do most, with the people he loved, smiling as big as he always smiled...what a beautiful memory to have etched in my mind...and such a fitting thought of my friend.
And I implore all of us to tell our friends and family how much we love them all the time, as often as you can, for you never know when death won’t have no mercy in this land...and I take solace in knowing that my friend knew exactly how much I loved him, it is a small warmth that heats the frost infiltrating my heart.
And not only do I beg all of you to share your love, but also be safe...look out for yourself and one another.
My family is always concerned for my safety living in the Tenderloin...which might explain why I got over 3 new tenderloin weapons for Christmas.
(Tenderloin Weapons Parts I & II are blogs 8 and 20, respectively)
Now none of these new weapons surpass my all time favorite of the Corkscrew...still my #1...light weight, fierce and completely legal, I intimidate walking the streets at night with my corkscrew out...my dad and friends, obviously thought I needed a little more artillery...like...
The Crazy Ass Flashlight:
How pumped was my dad when he gave me my new Tenderloin Weapon (I can not believe he expects me to carry this beast in my purse)...this flashlight not only has three settings including a blinding flashing light that would stop a crack head in its tracks, it also has a heavy-scalloped brim that would open someone’s head on first blow...did I mention that my dad also had my last name engraved on it so when I wallop the crack head on the dome the last thing they are going to see is my last name “Powers” flashing before their eyes...if there is a time to say “Settle down dad.” This might be that time.
The Key Chain Alarm:
I’m pretty sure my dad was thinking, “if she can’t grab her corkscrew, flashlight, fan, kazoo, whistle etc...she can grab her keys” (I think my purse now constitutes an arsenal) I actually was not surprised when I pulled out of my stocking a Key Chain Alarm, a blaring noise that far surpasses the annoying shrill of techno music...with this deafening sequence of beeps aint no one going to be able to break into my back seat.
Silly String:
My friend came over with a couple small gifts and as he held the last one out, a smile spread over his face, and he said, “This you will love.” I started to jump around in excitement as I unveiled the package, thrusting the can of silly string into everyone’s face so they could see my prize. And let me tell you...crack heads freak the fuck out over silly string! I recommend if one bothers you to start your spraying and then continue in a full circle around them so you can encompass them with your string, you can even yell “You’re a mummy now” and run away...you will have at least five minutes to run away, which gives you like a 20 min head start in crack head time (they get distracted easily)
Other weapons that I find work quite well are nail files and the whistle I use for getting cabs...
I was really impressed by the old lady walking around with a wrench in her hand...and I thought I was a bad ass.
Worse comes to worse you can throw some white tic-tacs on the sidewalk and go “fuck I dropped my rocks.” No one will pay any attention to you after that, and the whole block’s breath will smell good...twofer.
Do what you have to do keep safe, the family does not need another loss, we have suffered enough.
Remember the significance of loud noises and telling people that you love them.
Simply Remember.
I was given the New Year’s Eve ticket of my friend who passed...I went in his place. It was the hardest show that I have ever gone to, I cried for most of it...I had to leave before the encore, my knees began to give out.
I was told they encored with “Terrapin Station.”
I replied, “I got my inspiration.”
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK:
THE SPRINKLER
Why I did not do this one sooner, I have no idea, but a classic is a classic.
Start by taking your left hand and bringing it to the back of your head keeping your elbow out. Extend your right hand out straight ahead and start to slowly pump in around in a half moon shape, now bring it back with faster pumps, and repeat this succession...until you got a good soak on.
I need to take a moment to tell everyone how blessed I feel...my family suffered a loss this New Year’s Eve...our friend died, struck by a car after the Further show on the 30th...It is a blow that has struck the family deep, that caused our minds to quake and our hearts to break...
And I feel blessed, for I saw my friend that night of the 30th, I saw him smiling his beautiful smile, I saw him looking fly (he even had his sparkly hat on) I witnessed him enjoying himself in the blissfulness of the show, I had the extreme privilege to tell him that I loved him, all a couple hours before he flew away and left this world.
The last images I have of him in my head are those of him doing what he loved to do most, with the people he loved, smiling as big as he always smiled...what a beautiful memory to have etched in my mind...and such a fitting thought of my friend.
And I implore all of us to tell our friends and family how much we love them all the time, as often as you can, for you never know when death won’t have no mercy in this land...and I take solace in knowing that my friend knew exactly how much I loved him, it is a small warmth that heats the frost infiltrating my heart.
And not only do I beg all of you to share your love, but also be safe...look out for yourself and one another.
My family is always concerned for my safety living in the Tenderloin...which might explain why I got over 3 new tenderloin weapons for Christmas.
(Tenderloin Weapons Parts I & II are blogs 8 and 20, respectively)
Now none of these new weapons surpass my all time favorite of the Corkscrew...still my #1...light weight, fierce and completely legal, I intimidate walking the streets at night with my corkscrew out...my dad and friends, obviously thought I needed a little more artillery...like...
The Crazy Ass Flashlight:
How pumped was my dad when he gave me my new Tenderloin Weapon (I can not believe he expects me to carry this beast in my purse)...this flashlight not only has three settings including a blinding flashing light that would stop a crack head in its tracks, it also has a heavy-scalloped brim that would open someone’s head on first blow...did I mention that my dad also had my last name engraved on it so when I wallop the crack head on the dome the last thing they are going to see is my last name “Powers” flashing before their eyes...if there is a time to say “Settle down dad.” This might be that time.
The Key Chain Alarm:
I’m pretty sure my dad was thinking, “if she can’t grab her corkscrew, flashlight, fan, kazoo, whistle etc...she can grab her keys” (I think my purse now constitutes an arsenal) I actually was not surprised when I pulled out of my stocking a Key Chain Alarm, a blaring noise that far surpasses the annoying shrill of techno music...with this deafening sequence of beeps aint no one going to be able to break into my back seat.
Silly String:
My friend came over with a couple small gifts and as he held the last one out, a smile spread over his face, and he said, “This you will love.” I started to jump around in excitement as I unveiled the package, thrusting the can of silly string into everyone’s face so they could see my prize. And let me tell you...crack heads freak the fuck out over silly string! I recommend if one bothers you to start your spraying and then continue in a full circle around them so you can encompass them with your string, you can even yell “You’re a mummy now” and run away...you will have at least five minutes to run away, which gives you like a 20 min head start in crack head time (they get distracted easily)
Other weapons that I find work quite well are nail files and the whistle I use for getting cabs...
I was really impressed by the old lady walking around with a wrench in her hand...and I thought I was a bad ass.
Worse comes to worse you can throw some white tic-tacs on the sidewalk and go “fuck I dropped my rocks.” No one will pay any attention to you after that, and the whole block’s breath will smell good...twofer.
Do what you have to do keep safe, the family does not need another loss, we have suffered enough.
Remember the significance of loud noises and telling people that you love them.
Simply Remember.
I was given the New Year’s Eve ticket of my friend who passed...I went in his place. It was the hardest show that I have ever gone to, I cried for most of it...I had to leave before the encore, my knees began to give out.
I was told they encored with “Terrapin Station.”
I replied, “I got my inspiration.”
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK:
THE SPRINKLER
Why I did not do this one sooner, I have no idea, but a classic is a classic.
Start by taking your left hand and bringing it to the back of your head keeping your elbow out. Extend your right hand out straight ahead and start to slowly pump in around in a half moon shape, now bring it back with faster pumps, and repeat this succession...until you got a good soak on.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Blog 57...Being Alone
Blog 57...Being Alone
I don’t remember the last Christmas that I did not get a little sad, where crawling in bed alone did not leave a soft sting. The chill of loneliness lingers longer on Christmas, more so than most other days, the memories of different times swirl in my head...like visions of sugarplums and gingerbread.
Christmas is like the Alpha and the Omega of my relationship with my ex-husband, it is not only when I decided to leave him, but also when he asked me to marry him, many years ago.
The hurt and forsaken side of me longs to feel a partner’s warmth on a morning that holds more to me than I can even comprehend.
And the reality of isolation broods in my mind longer than usual, like the fog sitting on the water, biding its time for the dawn to break so it can creep ashore and dash the light.
And I pray for the clouds to part, for the sun to pour its warmth on my shoulders and tickle the back of my neck.
Yet I am not alone.
I must shift my mindset out of this notion of solitude.
I have the best family in the world...times 11, I have friends that adore me, as I do them...and I have me...and I love me...what more could a princess ask for...
Maybe the loneliness is just something I need to nut up and get over.
Maybe the loneliness is a shield that I put up to protect myself from the possibility of getting broken again.
Maybe it is I who is keeping everyone out.
Maybe I have become so accustomed to being alone that it has become the only thing that I know, the blanket that doesn’t keep you warm but brings the most comfort.
Maybe a lot of things.
The fact of the matter is that even in my marriage I felt alone...that even when I am with others, I feel alone.
I think a lot of us do.
I think I am just really scared to let go of this feeling of being alone.
And I don’t know why...
Why do I feel alone?
When I am so surrounded by love.
Is it because I like it?
A lot of times, when with others, I long to be alone, for the elegance of the quiet, for the moments to truly ponder the thoughts in my head.
Then again, maybe I just ponder shit to fucking much.
Maybe I feel alone cause I keep telling myself that I am.
Maybe if I walk around like one of those ding dongs that talk to themselves going “I am not alone, I am not alone” the feeling will slowly vanish, or I’ll become known as the chick that talks to herself using positive affirmations...which might not be the best for my reputation.
Maybe I just need to shift...shift to not feeling alone...to accepting the fact that I am loved.
That it doesn’t matter who loves me, or whether they hold me at night, and whether it comes from one person or twelve, or just from me, the fact that love is coming my way means I am not alone...
Maybe me being alone or lonely disables me from putting the love out there in order for it to come back.
Me being alone lies in my own hands...
And if you feel alone maybe you should look in the mirror...and think why.
Maybe it is not everybody else’s fault...but your own...my own.
Maybe in stepping away from the feeling of “being alone”...we open ourselves up to the notion of not...what if it is really that easy?
For me, it is worth a shot.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
(Have you ever been to one of those shows with a bunch of “show newbies” you know what I am talking about, the front is not crowded at all but the back is and people aren’t even standing right, they are cluttered and crowded in odd packs with no space for people to get around, but if everyone shifted one way or the other like 5 inches, everyone would have plenty of space...this move is for one of those shows...)
BLAZING A TRAIL
First off, if you going to be blazing a trail, you best start off by lighting your joint, once you got it going grab your imaginary machete (please note: DO NOT BRING YOUR REAL MACHETE TO THE SHOW...that is not okay) All right, puff, puff and walk swinging your machete and making room for your friends to follow your path, you can stop for a second and assess your surroundings, maybe pass the joint to the person to the left...quietly mention that if he moved 5 inches over he would have a bunch more room...amazing right...ohh, you see a clearing ahead, towards the front, grab your joint back and start your puffing and machete swinging until you have gotten to your spot...than you can stop swinging your arm around like crazy (people might think you are a little nuts...)
I don’t remember the last Christmas that I did not get a little sad, where crawling in bed alone did not leave a soft sting. The chill of loneliness lingers longer on Christmas, more so than most other days, the memories of different times swirl in my head...like visions of sugarplums and gingerbread.
Christmas is like the Alpha and the Omega of my relationship with my ex-husband, it is not only when I decided to leave him, but also when he asked me to marry him, many years ago.
The hurt and forsaken side of me longs to feel a partner’s warmth on a morning that holds more to me than I can even comprehend.
And the reality of isolation broods in my mind longer than usual, like the fog sitting on the water, biding its time for the dawn to break so it can creep ashore and dash the light.
And I pray for the clouds to part, for the sun to pour its warmth on my shoulders and tickle the back of my neck.
Yet I am not alone.
I must shift my mindset out of this notion of solitude.
I have the best family in the world...times 11, I have friends that adore me, as I do them...and I have me...and I love me...what more could a princess ask for...
Maybe the loneliness is just something I need to nut up and get over.
Maybe the loneliness is a shield that I put up to protect myself from the possibility of getting broken again.
Maybe it is I who is keeping everyone out.
Maybe I have become so accustomed to being alone that it has become the only thing that I know, the blanket that doesn’t keep you warm but brings the most comfort.
Maybe a lot of things.
The fact of the matter is that even in my marriage I felt alone...that even when I am with others, I feel alone.
I think a lot of us do.
I think I am just really scared to let go of this feeling of being alone.
And I don’t know why...
Why do I feel alone?
When I am so surrounded by love.
Is it because I like it?
A lot of times, when with others, I long to be alone, for the elegance of the quiet, for the moments to truly ponder the thoughts in my head.
Then again, maybe I just ponder shit to fucking much.
Maybe I feel alone cause I keep telling myself that I am.
Maybe if I walk around like one of those ding dongs that talk to themselves going “I am not alone, I am not alone” the feeling will slowly vanish, or I’ll become known as the chick that talks to herself using positive affirmations...which might not be the best for my reputation.
Maybe I just need to shift...shift to not feeling alone...to accepting the fact that I am loved.
That it doesn’t matter who loves me, or whether they hold me at night, and whether it comes from one person or twelve, or just from me, the fact that love is coming my way means I am not alone...
Maybe me being alone or lonely disables me from putting the love out there in order for it to come back.
Me being alone lies in my own hands...
And if you feel alone maybe you should look in the mirror...and think why.
Maybe it is not everybody else’s fault...but your own...my own.
Maybe in stepping away from the feeling of “being alone”...we open ourselves up to the notion of not...what if it is really that easy?
For me, it is worth a shot.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
(Have you ever been to one of those shows with a bunch of “show newbies” you know what I am talking about, the front is not crowded at all but the back is and people aren’t even standing right, they are cluttered and crowded in odd packs with no space for people to get around, but if everyone shifted one way or the other like 5 inches, everyone would have plenty of space...this move is for one of those shows...)
BLAZING A TRAIL
First off, if you going to be blazing a trail, you best start off by lighting your joint, once you got it going grab your imaginary machete (please note: DO NOT BRING YOUR REAL MACHETE TO THE SHOW...that is not okay) All right, puff, puff and walk swinging your machete and making room for your friends to follow your path, you can stop for a second and assess your surroundings, maybe pass the joint to the person to the left...quietly mention that if he moved 5 inches over he would have a bunch more room...amazing right...ohh, you see a clearing ahead, towards the front, grab your joint back and start your puffing and machete swinging until you have gotten to your spot...than you can stop swinging your arm around like crazy (people might think you are a little nuts...)
Monday, December 19, 2011
Blog 56: Walking Away (Walking the Walk Part II)
Blog 56: Walking Away (Walking the Walk Part II)
Walking the Walk Part I, is Blog 26 and one of my favorites.
The Christmas season marks a hard time of year for me, it was three years ago that I decided to leave my ex-husband...three years ago I found a strength I never knew I had.
I walked away, from my life, from my friends, my business, my marriage, my house...pretty much everything I thought my life to be, I turned my back on and began marching to a tune I did not know existed.
For awhile I tried to hold on to the things I thought made me happy, I tried to keep the friends that my ex and I shared, I tried to salvage my house in order to repay my parents, I tried to keep my life that I had put so much effort into.
And it was a wasted effort.
What we think makes us happy today, might not make us happy tomorrow.
One fight with my ex-husband, I told him, “You can have our friends, I don’t want them.” I didn’t want to deal with having to hear about him and having him get mad when hearing about me and what I was doing.
I walked away.
The friends that were really my friends, I still talk to...I just gave it time.
My dad told me when I first tried to save my house, “Don’t bother, just walk away, it’s too much, so what if we lose some money, money is not worth the heartache and the hardships you will go through, and right now, you need to heal”...I tried to prove him wrong, alas I was wrong. I walked away from my house and had it foreclosed...the stress of trying to do it all by myself was too great of a burden for my shoulders that had grown weak from the battles I was in the process of fighting.
My parents begged me to move back to San Francisco, and for a while I simply fought, not wanting to admit my failure, not willing to lose everything, not able to let go...
But a downward spiral does not spin up, you simply have to jump ship...acknowledge your loses and move on.
And the life that I held on to, that I fought so hard to keep...pales in comparison to my existence today.
Walking away takes bravery, valor, fearlessness and a whole lotta guts.
All words I would feel honored to have describe me.
I was so scared of starting over, of having nothing, of being alone...yet as I have written before...fear is consuming, it overtakes you...
But I found the strength, and from that my eyes have been opened.
I can tell you, walking away is the toughest thing I have ever done in my life, and one of the few things, I constantly reap the benefits of.
This particular blog was inspired not by the time of year, but by a friend that I have, who needs to find her inner light again...an ill-minded man has exhausted her fire...I have witnessed my friend slip away, and as she moaned to me on the phone yesterday I just kept on repeating...”Just walk away, walk away.” And I fear for her safety if she does not walk away, I am scared that this man will bring her down more than he already has, as I know she fears as well.
As she lamented to me, as she had so many times before, I finished with, “You need to stop talking the talk, and start walking the walk, because now that you have yourself acknowledged that he is so wrong and is taking your life in a direction you do not want it to go, if you let him continue or if you get hurt, it is just as much your fault as it is his.”
And just as she must march away, I must as well, for I have said my peace, my feelings have been stated, and if she cannot find her inner strength, then I guess, she still has more lessons to learn, and I am not one to stand in the way of that.
I can only hope and pray that she sees the luminous light of the unknown, the whimsical mystery of forging a path you never thought you would have to take.
And not all things you can walk away from, but when you find yourself lost, scared, not knowing what you have become, one must turn around and go in a new direction and do what you can to stay true to you.
The things you walk away from, if they were really suppose to be in your life, they will follow, and if you don’t like the new road you are taking, get off at the next exit, find a different route, just don’t keep going the wrong way.
And if you don’t know which way is wrong or right, just start walking, the path will unfold right in front of you...
Happy Holidays, may you all walk in the direction that makes you fucking happy.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
OPENING THE PRESENTS
I love presents, and love the surprise that comes with them...
Start by giving the box a little shake, what could it possibly be, untie the ribbon with gusto, and rip that paper off (do not try to save the paper, you aren’t ever going to get around to really reusing it...come on) and lift up the girt so you can get a good look, ohhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh, it is exactly what you wanted, open that box up...stupid tape always gets in the way, and tissue paper...damm, finally you see the gift, a big smile comes on your face and pull that baby out for everyone to see...awesomeness.
Walking the Walk Part I, is Blog 26 and one of my favorites.
The Christmas season marks a hard time of year for me, it was three years ago that I decided to leave my ex-husband...three years ago I found a strength I never knew I had.
I walked away, from my life, from my friends, my business, my marriage, my house...pretty much everything I thought my life to be, I turned my back on and began marching to a tune I did not know existed.
For awhile I tried to hold on to the things I thought made me happy, I tried to keep the friends that my ex and I shared, I tried to salvage my house in order to repay my parents, I tried to keep my life that I had put so much effort into.
And it was a wasted effort.
What we think makes us happy today, might not make us happy tomorrow.
One fight with my ex-husband, I told him, “You can have our friends, I don’t want them.” I didn’t want to deal with having to hear about him and having him get mad when hearing about me and what I was doing.
I walked away.
The friends that were really my friends, I still talk to...I just gave it time.
My dad told me when I first tried to save my house, “Don’t bother, just walk away, it’s too much, so what if we lose some money, money is not worth the heartache and the hardships you will go through, and right now, you need to heal”...I tried to prove him wrong, alas I was wrong. I walked away from my house and had it foreclosed...the stress of trying to do it all by myself was too great of a burden for my shoulders that had grown weak from the battles I was in the process of fighting.
My parents begged me to move back to San Francisco, and for a while I simply fought, not wanting to admit my failure, not willing to lose everything, not able to let go...
But a downward spiral does not spin up, you simply have to jump ship...acknowledge your loses and move on.
And the life that I held on to, that I fought so hard to keep...pales in comparison to my existence today.
Walking away takes bravery, valor, fearlessness and a whole lotta guts.
All words I would feel honored to have describe me.
I was so scared of starting over, of having nothing, of being alone...yet as I have written before...fear is consuming, it overtakes you...
But I found the strength, and from that my eyes have been opened.
I can tell you, walking away is the toughest thing I have ever done in my life, and one of the few things, I constantly reap the benefits of.
This particular blog was inspired not by the time of year, but by a friend that I have, who needs to find her inner light again...an ill-minded man has exhausted her fire...I have witnessed my friend slip away, and as she moaned to me on the phone yesterday I just kept on repeating...”Just walk away, walk away.” And I fear for her safety if she does not walk away, I am scared that this man will bring her down more than he already has, as I know she fears as well.
As she lamented to me, as she had so many times before, I finished with, “You need to stop talking the talk, and start walking the walk, because now that you have yourself acknowledged that he is so wrong and is taking your life in a direction you do not want it to go, if you let him continue or if you get hurt, it is just as much your fault as it is his.”
And just as she must march away, I must as well, for I have said my peace, my feelings have been stated, and if she cannot find her inner strength, then I guess, she still has more lessons to learn, and I am not one to stand in the way of that.
I can only hope and pray that she sees the luminous light of the unknown, the whimsical mystery of forging a path you never thought you would have to take.
And not all things you can walk away from, but when you find yourself lost, scared, not knowing what you have become, one must turn around and go in a new direction and do what you can to stay true to you.
The things you walk away from, if they were really suppose to be in your life, they will follow, and if you don’t like the new road you are taking, get off at the next exit, find a different route, just don’t keep going the wrong way.
And if you don’t know which way is wrong or right, just start walking, the path will unfold right in front of you...
Happy Holidays, may you all walk in the direction that makes you fucking happy.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
OPENING THE PRESENTS
I love presents, and love the surprise that comes with them...
Start by giving the box a little shake, what could it possibly be, untie the ribbon with gusto, and rip that paper off (do not try to save the paper, you aren’t ever going to get around to really reusing it...come on) and lift up the girt so you can get a good look, ohhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh, it is exactly what you wanted, open that box up...stupid tape always gets in the way, and tissue paper...damm, finally you see the gift, a big smile comes on your face and pull that baby out for everyone to see...awesomeness.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Blog 55... Reality Keeps Slapping Me in the Face...
Blog 55...Reality Keeps Slapping Me in the Face...
As Reality slapped me in the face this morning, I turned the other cheek. In rotating my head I realized the other side still stung from previous slaps. And for a moment I sat still, head in my hands, trying to numb the pain but coming to terms with fact that I might as well get used to the pain...for I have never heard of reality placing a soft kiss...
As I flew home yesterday from a well-rounded vacation, a man behind me was bitching about how hard life was to the stranger next to him and she replied with, “Well it only gets harder.”
He retorted, “Aren’t you suppose to say it only gets Easier.”
I could mentally envision her smiling as she came back with, “No it only gets harder, people will lie and tell you it gets easier, they are wrong, it just gets harder, so you might as well embrace it, and deal with it, you have no other choice.”
“That is not the answer I wanted to hear” the young man stammered.
“Life doesn’t give you the answer you want to hear, that is why it is life and not a fairytale...the sooner you realize that...the sooner you can just surrender to the hardships and come to terms with simply doing the best you can to be happy and to bounce back from all the problems...it doesn’t get easier...you just learn to deal with crap better.”
As I turned around and tried to sneak a glance of the Yoda behind me...a knowing smirk spread across my face, and even though this advice was meant for someone else...I knew the voice behind the chair was talking to me.
It was a notion I must come to terms with.
And one I had witnessed so many times before and continue to do so on a daily basis.
In fairytale land you don’t have to deal with the consequences of other people’s emotions, issues and mistakes, you only have your own (which is hard enough to deal with) but in real life things constantly come at you that you have no control over, that you must simply ride out and go from there...
There are times where you are put in situations that you didn’t put yourself in, you just open your eyes and you are in a new place, lost with no direction...and you have to make a decision on which way to walk...embrace your choice, not look back and come to terms with the fact that you will not be walking a straight line.
And that is the reality of life.
Things never go as planned...it never works out the way it does in the song...
And as I am reminded yet again of this fact...It came to me that reality giving me a blow to the face this morning was probably a great thing...
For I was going to compromise my happiness in the current moment for something that I thought would make me happy.
And looking back on my life the things I thought would bring me satisfaction, rarely did...yet the times in my life where I have simply lived, and did what makes me happy on a day to day basis are times where I have felt fulfilled.
And I am not the conforming type, that I know does not make me happy, and why it took reality slapping me in the face to realize that I have no idea...
What makes me happy is my family and my city...my kingdom.
This is who I am, and I might as well embrace it and make it work to the best of my abilities, and enjoy ever fucking moment of it...the good, the bad, the ugly...I might as well enjoy the path I have chosen to take...a footway I began a long time ago.
Things don’t work out, because they weren’t suppose to.
And I must simply take from it what I have learned.
I have learned to stay true to me...that money, people, life...it is all going to let you down...but if you are good with you...none of that matters.
And Reality...I hope you have learned, that you can go ahead and slap me...I am however a native San Franciscan and I princess no less, so I am going to punch you back, dead in the eye...and in between each blow I dish out and receive...I will not only do a little dance, but look damm good the entire time.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr...bitches.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THROWING THE PUNCHES...
This is for moments at a show when it has gotten really dirty (I usually have put my hat on by this point) They keep throwing the good licks at you and you just want more...
So stance yourself out, I personally line my feet up with my knees, bend them a little and put my feet at 2 o’clock and 7. I make my hands into tight fists and bend my elbows bringing my forearms in front of me for some protection...
As the dirty licks start...jab, then swivel to the right avoiding the punch, go into protective stance and then jab again, throwing in a left upper cut, and then, take a punch (man that was a mean lick...I think he just played it with his teeth) don’t stop fighting, cause when you stop so does the music...and where is the fun in that.
As Reality slapped me in the face this morning, I turned the other cheek. In rotating my head I realized the other side still stung from previous slaps. And for a moment I sat still, head in my hands, trying to numb the pain but coming to terms with fact that I might as well get used to the pain...for I have never heard of reality placing a soft kiss...
As I flew home yesterday from a well-rounded vacation, a man behind me was bitching about how hard life was to the stranger next to him and she replied with, “Well it only gets harder.”
He retorted, “Aren’t you suppose to say it only gets Easier.”
I could mentally envision her smiling as she came back with, “No it only gets harder, people will lie and tell you it gets easier, they are wrong, it just gets harder, so you might as well embrace it, and deal with it, you have no other choice.”
“That is not the answer I wanted to hear” the young man stammered.
“Life doesn’t give you the answer you want to hear, that is why it is life and not a fairytale...the sooner you realize that...the sooner you can just surrender to the hardships and come to terms with simply doing the best you can to be happy and to bounce back from all the problems...it doesn’t get easier...you just learn to deal with crap better.”
As I turned around and tried to sneak a glance of the Yoda behind me...a knowing smirk spread across my face, and even though this advice was meant for someone else...I knew the voice behind the chair was talking to me.
It was a notion I must come to terms with.
And one I had witnessed so many times before and continue to do so on a daily basis.
In fairytale land you don’t have to deal with the consequences of other people’s emotions, issues and mistakes, you only have your own (which is hard enough to deal with) but in real life things constantly come at you that you have no control over, that you must simply ride out and go from there...
There are times where you are put in situations that you didn’t put yourself in, you just open your eyes and you are in a new place, lost with no direction...and you have to make a decision on which way to walk...embrace your choice, not look back and come to terms with the fact that you will not be walking a straight line.
And that is the reality of life.
Things never go as planned...it never works out the way it does in the song...
And as I am reminded yet again of this fact...It came to me that reality giving me a blow to the face this morning was probably a great thing...
For I was going to compromise my happiness in the current moment for something that I thought would make me happy.
And looking back on my life the things I thought would bring me satisfaction, rarely did...yet the times in my life where I have simply lived, and did what makes me happy on a day to day basis are times where I have felt fulfilled.
And I am not the conforming type, that I know does not make me happy, and why it took reality slapping me in the face to realize that I have no idea...
What makes me happy is my family and my city...my kingdom.
This is who I am, and I might as well embrace it and make it work to the best of my abilities, and enjoy ever fucking moment of it...the good, the bad, the ugly...I might as well enjoy the path I have chosen to take...a footway I began a long time ago.
Things don’t work out, because they weren’t suppose to.
And I must simply take from it what I have learned.
I have learned to stay true to me...that money, people, life...it is all going to let you down...but if you are good with you...none of that matters.
And Reality...I hope you have learned, that you can go ahead and slap me...I am however a native San Franciscan and I princess no less, so I am going to punch you back, dead in the eye...and in between each blow I dish out and receive...I will not only do a little dance, but look damm good the entire time.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr...bitches.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THROWING THE PUNCHES...
This is for moments at a show when it has gotten really dirty (I usually have put my hat on by this point) They keep throwing the good licks at you and you just want more...
So stance yourself out, I personally line my feet up with my knees, bend them a little and put my feet at 2 o’clock and 7. I make my hands into tight fists and bend my elbows bringing my forearms in front of me for some protection...
As the dirty licks start...jab, then swivel to the right avoiding the punch, go into protective stance and then jab again, throwing in a left upper cut, and then, take a punch (man that was a mean lick...I think he just played it with his teeth) don’t stop fighting, cause when you stop so does the music...and where is the fun in that.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Blog 54...Women are Crazy as Fuck & Men are Dumb as Shit...(Part I)
Blog 54...Women are Crazy as Fuck & Men are Dumb as Shit...(Part I)
Hmmmm...this sounds kinda crazy...anyhoo
My awesome boss told me one day (in explaining how her and her husband work)...”Men are Dumb, Women are Crazy...once you get that down, it makes communication much easier”
Well my boss is a lady I listen to & look up to so I took this advice and held it close.
Over the past month I have been in observation mode...and figures, she was right.
Sorry guys, I don’t mean to be rude, but you all are some obtuse motherfuckers.
But it is cool, cause us ladies, are some crazy ass bitches...but we gotta be crazy, you all are dumb...but maybe you all are so dumb to help you cope with our craziness...hmmmmmm.
Once we all address this situation, we might all be able to communicate better.
Examples of how we could better situations are as follows:
-I am dressed in a pair a panties, a fedora & my leopard print heels from Paris ready to do a lovely dance for homie, he decides to pick the music, he puts on a song in which the singer starts with...”I want to dedicate this song to my ex-wife.”
I wonder if he can spell dumb ass...cause the heels came off quite quickly...does he not realize I am bonkers.
Now if I had checked myself and been like...”Wait, this dude is a dude, and I know he wants this dance, and I know he loves me, he probably is just so thick skulled that he doesn’t even get that this would really fucking bother me”...I might have prevented myself from becoming ticked.
Now if homie had thought before he put on the music...”Wait, I am a dumb ass...this dance is going to be hot...I should let the lady take control of this one, cause I am cloddish and could fuck this up and she is crazy as sin and if one thing goes wrong this dance is not going to go down.”...Well than the dance would have happened.
-Papi shows me a picture of him recently holding his ex-girlfriend’s tits...what a featherbrain.
Now granted I know this chick and him are just friends, and she is awesomeness times 11, and I’ve seen her other friends grab her tits and I know it is not like that...yet even though I know this, I’m crazy...and what dumb ass is going to show his lady a picture of him holding another ladies tits and go “check this out” and not think it is a wrong, a Pinhead...that is who...aka, a dude.
If homie had checked himself and been like...”Wait, would I like to see a picture of her ex holding her tits...Probably not...And I need to remember that she is insane and freaks out over little things...hmmmmmm, not a good idea”...a hurt loony bin, aka...me...would have never resulted.
Now in the end, I checked myself (cause this chick really is that cool)...but homie really pushed my lunatic button on that one (I just breathed and kept on repeating, “he is a dumb ass...he is a dumb ass...he is a dumb ass”...it helped)
In fact in taking in my boss’s observation I have been able to deal with many aspects of my man dealings better...
At my other job, I have this one guy, he is totally awesomeness but I tell him what to do and he fights me usually in the beginning and wants to do it his way, but I am the boss and the one with the experience, so I find that if I simply repeat myself 3 times, he will fight me the first 2 times, but on the third time he simply repeats back to me what I said and I go “right” and he says “okay” and we are done.
So now, instead of getting frustrated, I just repeat myself and know that by the third time what I am saying has finally sunken in and is starting to make sense...or maybe he just repeats me to get the deranged chick to shut up...up for grabs, totally.
But it works.
In fact now when a dude says something dumb to me...I take a moment to go, “Wait he is an idiot, he probably means no harm, he is just moronic.” and I become way less mad.
And I think if dudes instead of trying to figure out why we are so out to lunch, just accept the fact that we are cracker-brained, and that we mean no malice, we are just batty, they would better be able to communicate with the ladies.
I know, I don’t come close to understanding the male race...it is asinine for me to even attempt to...but you know my insane woman self will always try.
You wanna know something really funny though...when I write about stuff I like to have a thesaurus by me, and I looked up the words “crazy” and “dumb” and many of the words that described “crazy” also portrayed “dumb”
Hmmmmmmm...Something for our crazy dumb asses to think about.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
Since I am going on vacation (yeahhhhhhhh, best Christmas gift ever...thank you, thank you, thank you) I thought this would be fitting...
PACKING YOUR SUITCASE...
So set your suitcase out at waist level...unzip that bitch...now there are two ways to pack this baby...you can choose Dance Move A. In which case you neatly fold things in the air before placing them gently into your suitcase. Dance Move B. you run around in a circle frantically throwing shit over your shoulder and praying it lands in the vicinity of the suitcase.
How ever you start your dance finish by your “thinking” dance move and go over a mental list of everything you have...might as well throw in another pair of panties...you can never have enough panties...Got it all...awesomeness...time to zip and get out the door...IT’S VACATION TIME!!!!!!!
Hmmmm...this sounds kinda crazy...anyhoo
My awesome boss told me one day (in explaining how her and her husband work)...”Men are Dumb, Women are Crazy...once you get that down, it makes communication much easier”
Well my boss is a lady I listen to & look up to so I took this advice and held it close.
Over the past month I have been in observation mode...and figures, she was right.
Sorry guys, I don’t mean to be rude, but you all are some obtuse motherfuckers.
But it is cool, cause us ladies, are some crazy ass bitches...but we gotta be crazy, you all are dumb...but maybe you all are so dumb to help you cope with our craziness...hmmmmmm.
Once we all address this situation, we might all be able to communicate better.
Examples of how we could better situations are as follows:
-I am dressed in a pair a panties, a fedora & my leopard print heels from Paris ready to do a lovely dance for homie, he decides to pick the music, he puts on a song in which the singer starts with...”I want to dedicate this song to my ex-wife.”
I wonder if he can spell dumb ass...cause the heels came off quite quickly...does he not realize I am bonkers.
Now if I had checked myself and been like...”Wait, this dude is a dude, and I know he wants this dance, and I know he loves me, he probably is just so thick skulled that he doesn’t even get that this would really fucking bother me”...I might have prevented myself from becoming ticked.
Now if homie had thought before he put on the music...”Wait, I am a dumb ass...this dance is going to be hot...I should let the lady take control of this one, cause I am cloddish and could fuck this up and she is crazy as sin and if one thing goes wrong this dance is not going to go down.”...Well than the dance would have happened.
-Papi shows me a picture of him recently holding his ex-girlfriend’s tits...what a featherbrain.
Now granted I know this chick and him are just friends, and she is awesomeness times 11, and I’ve seen her other friends grab her tits and I know it is not like that...yet even though I know this, I’m crazy...and what dumb ass is going to show his lady a picture of him holding another ladies tits and go “check this out” and not think it is a wrong, a Pinhead...that is who...aka, a dude.
If homie had checked himself and been like...”Wait, would I like to see a picture of her ex holding her tits...Probably not...And I need to remember that she is insane and freaks out over little things...hmmmmmm, not a good idea”...a hurt loony bin, aka...me...would have never resulted.
Now in the end, I checked myself (cause this chick really is that cool)...but homie really pushed my lunatic button on that one (I just breathed and kept on repeating, “he is a dumb ass...he is a dumb ass...he is a dumb ass”...it helped)
In fact in taking in my boss’s observation I have been able to deal with many aspects of my man dealings better...
At my other job, I have this one guy, he is totally awesomeness but I tell him what to do and he fights me usually in the beginning and wants to do it his way, but I am the boss and the one with the experience, so I find that if I simply repeat myself 3 times, he will fight me the first 2 times, but on the third time he simply repeats back to me what I said and I go “right” and he says “okay” and we are done.
So now, instead of getting frustrated, I just repeat myself and know that by the third time what I am saying has finally sunken in and is starting to make sense...or maybe he just repeats me to get the deranged chick to shut up...up for grabs, totally.
But it works.
In fact now when a dude says something dumb to me...I take a moment to go, “Wait he is an idiot, he probably means no harm, he is just moronic.” and I become way less mad.
And I think if dudes instead of trying to figure out why we are so out to lunch, just accept the fact that we are cracker-brained, and that we mean no malice, we are just batty, they would better be able to communicate with the ladies.
I know, I don’t come close to understanding the male race...it is asinine for me to even attempt to...but you know my insane woman self will always try.
You wanna know something really funny though...when I write about stuff I like to have a thesaurus by me, and I looked up the words “crazy” and “dumb” and many of the words that described “crazy” also portrayed “dumb”
Hmmmmmmm...Something for our crazy dumb asses to think about.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
Since I am going on vacation (yeahhhhhhhh, best Christmas gift ever...thank you, thank you, thank you) I thought this would be fitting...
PACKING YOUR SUITCASE...
So set your suitcase out at waist level...unzip that bitch...now there are two ways to pack this baby...you can choose Dance Move A. In which case you neatly fold things in the air before placing them gently into your suitcase. Dance Move B. you run around in a circle frantically throwing shit over your shoulder and praying it lands in the vicinity of the suitcase.
How ever you start your dance finish by your “thinking” dance move and go over a mental list of everything you have...might as well throw in another pair of panties...you can never have enough panties...Got it all...awesomeness...time to zip and get out the door...IT’S VACATION TIME!!!!!!!
Friday, November 25, 2011
Blog 53...Daddy, you have cursed me...
Blog 53...Daddy, you have cursed me...
Dear Daddy...
Daddy you have cursed me...and no it is not because of the red curly hair I inherited from you (I have grown quite fond of my mop) nor is it the purple legs you have blessed me with (God forbid you give me your metabolism instead) the humor you gave as a legacy I quite enjoy (as I believe others do) and your work ethic has helped me survive in a world many never expected me to...
Yet how I view “a man” you have fucked...(in the best kinda way)
And yet you are no perfect man.
When I was young the one thing that I did not learn was self-esteem, a notion that pillaged my young life...you were not able to communicate with me properly the notions of exercise and healthy eating, instead we fought over my weight and I had no self worth...yet the blame is not entirely yours...communicating with a teenage girl is harder than attaining world peace...maybe just communicating with women in general...
And there were times where you scared me, and you didn’t understand me, and you thought me short of my abilities...
And that is because sometimes one needs to be scared straight, doesn’t need to be understood but to understand, and people’s views of one’s capabilities are earned not given...or that is how it should be...
You have taught me that life is not easy, that hard work is involved, but you can still enjoy every minute of it, and the pay off to hard work is breathtaking...that there is “a joy in labor found.”
And as I grow the more I see my reflection in your shadow...you told me at the age of 16 after I had gotten kicked out of Spain for drinking (a long story we need not discuss) that I, reminded you most of yourself...
Sometimes I feel this cross is too hard to bare.
Sometimes I fear messing up and letting you down, as I know I have so many times before...
I wonder if one of the reasons you treat mom like such a queen is to set an example for us, for you have set the bar quite high.
I wonder if seeing how boys have affected your daughters so negatively encourages you to show us a different side...
Well dad...you have succeeded.
I watched you this Thanksgiving holiday in awe. I saw how you doted on Mom, how you made sure she was taken care of, that she had everything she needed...I saw a softness you only save for her, I saw you sit back and enjoy seeing three generations together...I saw you exhaustly play with a grand daughter with far more energy that I could fathom, I saw you make her smile...and I saw how happy that made you.
You have taught me the joy in kindness, in treating people right.
That not only is it better to be kind than to be right, but it simply feels better.
You have shown me as a woman, how I deserve to be treated.
And how I should treat others.
You are not just a fine example of a Man...
You are a fine fucking example of a “Human”
Daddy, you have faults just as all of us do. But your dedication to your wife and to your family is flooring, and I feel privileged to have the honor to witness it.
I know I still have so much more to learn and so much more strength to gain...
But you have shown me a path, which I would so like to take.
And if I fail in choosing a man that does not match your abilities the fault lies all on me, not on you.
You have done your job...I just might not have learned the lesson yet.
Here is to hoping that I have...that I will...
And cheers, to one hell of a teacher.
(Please note: My “Dear Mommy” letter is not to be forgotten, just not ready to show, after all among other things I inherited my mom’s Hips...whooooo hooooooo, and her photographic memory, something that after years of pot smoking, I still have in tack...wow is right.)
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
CUTTING THE HAIR...
(if you can pull this off without the person in front of you realizing, you get two extra points)
All right, walk up behind someone and start to shampoo his or her hair. (since you don’t necessarily know this person, you don’t really have to have “contact” you can wash with a 2-inch distance) Now it is time to rinse, use the little hose thingy, don’t forget to shake the hair out...condition time, you should probably bring out the comb for this part, all right, got the knots out, damm that last one was hard...rinse again...all right, pin up some sections so you can get to the bottom, comb out & start to cut with your fingers that have turned into scissors...opps that was a big chunk of hair...point to it on the ground, looks like it is going to be more than a trim...tee hee hee, maybe if we unpin these top sections it will look better...hmmmm, step back, looks like we should just cut it really short...now get snipping.
Dear Daddy...
Daddy you have cursed me...and no it is not because of the red curly hair I inherited from you (I have grown quite fond of my mop) nor is it the purple legs you have blessed me with (God forbid you give me your metabolism instead) the humor you gave as a legacy I quite enjoy (as I believe others do) and your work ethic has helped me survive in a world many never expected me to...
Yet how I view “a man” you have fucked...(in the best kinda way)
And yet you are no perfect man.
When I was young the one thing that I did not learn was self-esteem, a notion that pillaged my young life...you were not able to communicate with me properly the notions of exercise and healthy eating, instead we fought over my weight and I had no self worth...yet the blame is not entirely yours...communicating with a teenage girl is harder than attaining world peace...maybe just communicating with women in general...
And there were times where you scared me, and you didn’t understand me, and you thought me short of my abilities...
And that is because sometimes one needs to be scared straight, doesn’t need to be understood but to understand, and people’s views of one’s capabilities are earned not given...or that is how it should be...
You have taught me that life is not easy, that hard work is involved, but you can still enjoy every minute of it, and the pay off to hard work is breathtaking...that there is “a joy in labor found.”
And as I grow the more I see my reflection in your shadow...you told me at the age of 16 after I had gotten kicked out of Spain for drinking (a long story we need not discuss) that I, reminded you most of yourself...
Sometimes I feel this cross is too hard to bare.
Sometimes I fear messing up and letting you down, as I know I have so many times before...
I wonder if one of the reasons you treat mom like such a queen is to set an example for us, for you have set the bar quite high.
I wonder if seeing how boys have affected your daughters so negatively encourages you to show us a different side...
Well dad...you have succeeded.
I watched you this Thanksgiving holiday in awe. I saw how you doted on Mom, how you made sure she was taken care of, that she had everything she needed...I saw a softness you only save for her, I saw you sit back and enjoy seeing three generations together...I saw you exhaustly play with a grand daughter with far more energy that I could fathom, I saw you make her smile...and I saw how happy that made you.
You have taught me the joy in kindness, in treating people right.
That not only is it better to be kind than to be right, but it simply feels better.
You have shown me as a woman, how I deserve to be treated.
And how I should treat others.
You are not just a fine example of a Man...
You are a fine fucking example of a “Human”
Daddy, you have faults just as all of us do. But your dedication to your wife and to your family is flooring, and I feel privileged to have the honor to witness it.
I know I still have so much more to learn and so much more strength to gain...
But you have shown me a path, which I would so like to take.
And if I fail in choosing a man that does not match your abilities the fault lies all on me, not on you.
You have done your job...I just might not have learned the lesson yet.
Here is to hoping that I have...that I will...
And cheers, to one hell of a teacher.
(Please note: My “Dear Mommy” letter is not to be forgotten, just not ready to show, after all among other things I inherited my mom’s Hips...whooooo hooooooo, and her photographic memory, something that after years of pot smoking, I still have in tack...wow is right.)
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
CUTTING THE HAIR...
(if you can pull this off without the person in front of you realizing, you get two extra points)
All right, walk up behind someone and start to shampoo his or her hair. (since you don’t necessarily know this person, you don’t really have to have “contact” you can wash with a 2-inch distance) Now it is time to rinse, use the little hose thingy, don’t forget to shake the hair out...condition time, you should probably bring out the comb for this part, all right, got the knots out, damm that last one was hard...rinse again...all right, pin up some sections so you can get to the bottom, comb out & start to cut with your fingers that have turned into scissors...opps that was a big chunk of hair...point to it on the ground, looks like it is going to be more than a trim...tee hee hee, maybe if we unpin these top sections it will look better...hmmmm, step back, looks like we should just cut it really short...now get snipping.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Blog 52...And the Hunt Continues...(Adventures of a Chode Hunter Part II)
Blog 52...And the Hunt Continues...(Adventures of a Chode Hunter Part II)
For your basic definitions of "Chode" & all meaning involved with "Chode Hunting" please refer to Blog 31.
More definitions to add to your repertoire.
Chode Code:
This is a code that Chode Hunters use to alert their friends that they have been approached by a chode or to distance themselves from a chode...I have been known to yell "PIZZA" at random moments so my ladies know to come and save me (who would not come running for pizza)...when I am by myself I look at the chode who is hitting on me, smile big, and tell him,... "I only fuck chickens"...and walk away. This usually works and leaves them with the common "huhhhh" look on their face (making their bottom lip somewhat protrude out.)
This being said...be prepared for interesting come backs...the best one I received after telling a man that I only fucked chickens was...."Well Cock-a-doddle-do"...that one made me freeze dance for a moment.
Chode Chatter:
Have you ever talked to someone and felt minutes of your life wasting away...has it ever been a boy that is hitting on you in the lamest way possible...have you ever felt like blinking and blowing their heads up...This is "Chode Chatter"...Chodes tend to ask questions that they don't want answers to...its just part of their pick up line...a wonderful example of this is what happened to me this weekend...A man asked if I was Irish, I squinted my green eyes at him and tilted my red hair, not evening answering...he then asked, "Do you want so more in you?"
Precious seconds of my life...wasted...gone, never to return...on chode chatter (I think I heard that line once, when I was ten...maybe we need to come up with a "Chode Academy" to free the world of dumb asses.)
CIT (Chode in Training):
This is a younger man who has chode tendencies...and has older friends that are chodes...it is possible to save the young lad from the deep pit of stupidity of all that is chode...but the battle is fierce...glitter tends not even to work...and often the battle leads the chode hunter to copious amounts of drinking and gaining a minimum of 5lbs..
Ladies...sometimes this fight is pointless too...for a chode chicklet (baby chode) is started at a young age, just please remember this if you are to ever have a son...Do not raise a chode...raise a fucking man!
Debunking a Chode:
This is a rarity...and is only for level 10 Chode Hunters...for only a few precious chode hunters are capable of getting a chode to "change teams."
Sadly, a debunking usually occurs after some sort of loss and pain...only acute humbleness can cause a chode to open his eyes...lessons that are painful usually produce the most growth...sometimes the Chode Hunter has to let go of a chode she loves for good in order for the debunking to happen...that is another reason she is a level 10 hunter...she is willing to sacrifice the love she has...to better the quality of man. (She has helped paved the way for this man to be good, for she has helped him learn from his mistakes.)
And I am still a level 7 chode hunter, and wish I had the strength be a level 10...one day...one day.
Now Let's rate a chode or two...
(Can you believe these encounters happened all in one night)
Encounter Four:
As I danced at the first show of the evening, the music was funky, and so were my moves. A chode wrapped his arm around me, stopping me in mid-dance move and pulled me close and said in my ear, "I want to take you out to dinner, you are the sexiest thing in this room." I firmly removed his hand from my waist and continued to dance, feverly looking around the room for my girlfriend who had gone searching for friends. The chode then stood directly in front of me and said "Are you not even going to fucking talk to me? Are you not even going to fucking say thank you?" I stopped dancing, looked him dead in the eye and walked away...(remember, sometimes there is no point in chode chatter.)
Chode Rating...times 90 (you fucked my groove up and you cussed at me...fuck you)
Encounter Five:
Having left the first show of the evening, I headed to the second...after saying hi to friends and taking pictures I headed to the bar to grab a bottle of water. There was a line, I like normal society got in the back of the line. A drunk chode stubbled up to the line, looked at it, looked at me at the end, and cut infront of a couple who were making out (can we please pay attention in line here peeps) As he waited for his beer he spun around in a slow circle with a smug smile on his face...(oh, the look of a dumb ass)...after purchasing his beer he turned and walked up to me. After spilling a bit of his beer on my toes (figures) he said, "Your cute, what is your name?"
I replied with, "My name is the girl who you just cut in line and spilled beer on, nice to meet you."...out came his bottom lip and the "huhhhh" look.
Chode Rating...times 30 (It is hard being a dumb ass)
Encounter Six:
The first part of this encounter happened as I approached the second venue...I said hello to some of the door guys that I know, one of them patted my ass and told me it was good to see me. I ignored it and talked to the other door guy that I knew...the chode that had grabbed my ass got mad, he said, "you can't talk to him, you are mine." I looked down at the leopard ring I had on my left hand's ring finger...turned to him and said...."I only belong to leopard" and walked inside thinking...chode.
As I went out to do one of my "air laps"...(I get hot)...the chode of a door guy grabbed my wrist and squeezed it hard and said "Oh, you ain't leaving"...I told him to let go of my wrist and that I was just getting air, I tried to pull my wrist away...he proceed to yank and twist my wrist pulling me towards him as I tried to pull away and said, "You are going home with me tonight."
I yelled "Let go of my fucking wrist"...and proceed to simply jump in a cab and leave the show before it ended.
Chode Rating...times infinity (not only did you ruin my show and make me yell in public, but you fucked my wrist up to the point that it is bruised and damaged and I have to tape it and it hurts at work...YOU SUCK)
Why oh why did I not bring my light saber that evening...I would have whomped some serious chode ass.
Maybe I should just start glittering all the chodes I meet so at least when they are being a rude dumb ass, they are sparkling and that will make me giggle.
And you got to giggle at the chodes...for they are stuck with themselves...and imagine having to deal with a dumb ass 24/7...that would be some free TV right there...totally
Dance move of the Week:
Roller Skating
Who does not like to Roller Skate...right. So get your skates moving, do a spin or two, don't forget that the brake is on the toe...use your arms for balance...now try to skate backwards...hey, it almost looks like you are "moon-walking"...now add some finger points...brake...go forward now...swing those arms...brake and spin...and repeat...when was the last time you roller skated?
For your basic definitions of "Chode" & all meaning involved with "Chode Hunting" please refer to Blog 31.
More definitions to add to your repertoire.
Chode Code:
This is a code that Chode Hunters use to alert their friends that they have been approached by a chode or to distance themselves from a chode...I have been known to yell "PIZZA" at random moments so my ladies know to come and save me (who would not come running for pizza)...when I am by myself I look at the chode who is hitting on me, smile big, and tell him,... "I only fuck chickens"...and walk away. This usually works and leaves them with the common "huhhhh" look on their face (making their bottom lip somewhat protrude out.)
This being said...be prepared for interesting come backs...the best one I received after telling a man that I only fucked chickens was...."Well Cock-a-doddle-do"...that one made me freeze dance for a moment.
Chode Chatter:
Have you ever talked to someone and felt minutes of your life wasting away...has it ever been a boy that is hitting on you in the lamest way possible...have you ever felt like blinking and blowing their heads up...This is "Chode Chatter"...Chodes tend to ask questions that they don't want answers to...its just part of their pick up line...a wonderful example of this is what happened to me this weekend...A man asked if I was Irish, I squinted my green eyes at him and tilted my red hair, not evening answering...he then asked, "Do you want so more in you?"
Precious seconds of my life...wasted...gone, never to return...on chode chatter (I think I heard that line once, when I was ten...maybe we need to come up with a "Chode Academy" to free the world of dumb asses.)
CIT (Chode in Training):
This is a younger man who has chode tendencies...and has older friends that are chodes...it is possible to save the young lad from the deep pit of stupidity of all that is chode...but the battle is fierce...glitter tends not even to work...and often the battle leads the chode hunter to copious amounts of drinking and gaining a minimum of 5lbs..
Ladies...sometimes this fight is pointless too...for a chode chicklet (baby chode) is started at a young age, just please remember this if you are to ever have a son...Do not raise a chode...raise a fucking man!
Debunking a Chode:
This is a rarity...and is only for level 10 Chode Hunters...for only a few precious chode hunters are capable of getting a chode to "change teams."
Sadly, a debunking usually occurs after some sort of loss and pain...only acute humbleness can cause a chode to open his eyes...lessons that are painful usually produce the most growth...sometimes the Chode Hunter has to let go of a chode she loves for good in order for the debunking to happen...that is another reason she is a level 10 hunter...she is willing to sacrifice the love she has...to better the quality of man. (She has helped paved the way for this man to be good, for she has helped him learn from his mistakes.)
And I am still a level 7 chode hunter, and wish I had the strength be a level 10...one day...one day.
Now Let's rate a chode or two...
(Can you believe these encounters happened all in one night)
Encounter Four:
As I danced at the first show of the evening, the music was funky, and so were my moves. A chode wrapped his arm around me, stopping me in mid-dance move and pulled me close and said in my ear, "I want to take you out to dinner, you are the sexiest thing in this room." I firmly removed his hand from my waist and continued to dance, feverly looking around the room for my girlfriend who had gone searching for friends. The chode then stood directly in front of me and said "Are you not even going to fucking talk to me? Are you not even going to fucking say thank you?" I stopped dancing, looked him dead in the eye and walked away...(remember, sometimes there is no point in chode chatter.)
Chode Rating...times 90 (you fucked my groove up and you cussed at me...fuck you)
Encounter Five:
Having left the first show of the evening, I headed to the second...after saying hi to friends and taking pictures I headed to the bar to grab a bottle of water. There was a line, I like normal society got in the back of the line. A drunk chode stubbled up to the line, looked at it, looked at me at the end, and cut infront of a couple who were making out (can we please pay attention in line here peeps) As he waited for his beer he spun around in a slow circle with a smug smile on his face...(oh, the look of a dumb ass)...after purchasing his beer he turned and walked up to me. After spilling a bit of his beer on my toes (figures) he said, "Your cute, what is your name?"
I replied with, "My name is the girl who you just cut in line and spilled beer on, nice to meet you."...out came his bottom lip and the "huhhhh" look.
Chode Rating...times 30 (It is hard being a dumb ass)
Encounter Six:
The first part of this encounter happened as I approached the second venue...I said hello to some of the door guys that I know, one of them patted my ass and told me it was good to see me. I ignored it and talked to the other door guy that I knew...the chode that had grabbed my ass got mad, he said, "you can't talk to him, you are mine." I looked down at the leopard ring I had on my left hand's ring finger...turned to him and said...."I only belong to leopard" and walked inside thinking...chode.
As I went out to do one of my "air laps"...(I get hot)...the chode of a door guy grabbed my wrist and squeezed it hard and said "Oh, you ain't leaving"...I told him to let go of my wrist and that I was just getting air, I tried to pull my wrist away...he proceed to yank and twist my wrist pulling me towards him as I tried to pull away and said, "You are going home with me tonight."
I yelled "Let go of my fucking wrist"...and proceed to simply jump in a cab and leave the show before it ended.
Chode Rating...times infinity (not only did you ruin my show and make me yell in public, but you fucked my wrist up to the point that it is bruised and damaged and I have to tape it and it hurts at work...YOU SUCK)
Why oh why did I not bring my light saber that evening...I would have whomped some serious chode ass.
Maybe I should just start glittering all the chodes I meet so at least when they are being a rude dumb ass, they are sparkling and that will make me giggle.
And you got to giggle at the chodes...for they are stuck with themselves...and imagine having to deal with a dumb ass 24/7...that would be some free TV right there...totally
Dance move of the Week:
Roller Skating
Who does not like to Roller Skate...right. So get your skates moving, do a spin or two, don't forget that the brake is on the toe...use your arms for balance...now try to skate backwards...hey, it almost looks like you are "moon-walking"...now add some finger points...brake...go forward now...swing those arms...brake and spin...and repeat...when was the last time you roller skated?
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Blog 51...To Sacrifice (Sabbatical Chronicles Part II)
Blog 51...To Sacrifice (Sabbatical Chronicles Part II)
Sacrifice: The act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else more important or worthy.
When is it proper to sacrifice?
When is it a good time to be selfish?
What is the deciding factor?
What...Who...is worth the sacrifice?
Is the sacrifice, the loss, the solitude.....does it justify the outcome?
What if… what we feel like is a sacrifice, is actually us opening the door to a possibility of a happiness we never knew existed?
What if we have to sacrifice what we think makes us happy, to truly be happy?
Should we be able to find happiness in anything?
Is it ever wrong to put our own wants before someone else's?
Is it always wrong?
What makes something or someone "Worth It."
When does one choose to Sacrifice and when does one choose to be Selfish?
These questions & others have been plaguing me all week.
When do we put other's needs in front of our own?
And when do we put our own personal needs before others...
When is it that our needs come first and others don’t?
Maybe to be truly happy we must sacrifice all that we deem worthy…for as the song goes… “You can’t always get what you want…but you get what you need...”
What is it that we truly need?
Or are all our wants and desires just things that we put in front of our happiness?
Do we really need anything?
Or can we just be happy… no matter what?
What if we sacrifice our wants in order to reach eternal happiness?
As I come to the realization that I must take a job offer that seems like some bad joke and as my personal world continues to swirl out of control…My dad’s voice echoes in my head…. “You must learn to surrender…surrender…surrender” …and yet sometimes it causes me to tremble…tremble…tremble.
And as I think of what the word “sabbatical” truly means… I consider that this sabbatical that I think of…maybe a sabbatical not from sex but from WANT…from the things that I desire, from the need…that desire simply gets in the way of a chosen path that stands before me.
If I am truly to reach my throne as Queen… what sacrifice comes with it?
What eternal wonder is to follow?
Is it not all “worth it”
Who gets to decide what is more important than the others?
And if we ever truly sacrifice something that means so much to us…does in not return in some way or another…eventually… or is that just a pipe dream?
I have decided to stay true to my sabbatical …but maybe I didn’t really understand what I meant by saying “sabbatical” in the beginning…
I need to go outside of myself, and what I think makes me happy…and just be happy.
I need to step away from what I hold dear to truly understand what is important to me.
I need to lose my feelings of “want”… a Sabbatical from “want.”
It is a lesson that I need to learn.
And maybe in learning it…I can teach others the virtue of sacrifice.
Maybe if I put everything in front of my wants, and just do what brings happiness to others…I will find it.
Maybe I will encourage others to sacrifice “wants” for happiness…
Maybe I will inspire…
That would be awesomeness…times 11.
If that does not work…maybe I’ll go shopping…
Speaking of shopping…
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
FINDING A PAIR OF SHOES
All right…walk up and down the aisles…picking up a shoe here and there, find one that you like…make sure the soles bend (this is a trick of my mom’s to test if the shoe is going to be comfortable…if the bottom does not bend, it aint going to be comfy)…now take the shoes out of the box…slip one on ...do a half runway strut…got to have a “strut worthy” shoe…it works…its fly…you can do your dance moves in them (practice a couple..ie..”hop into the shower dance”)…oh yeah., these shoes totally work…you will take them….now strut your fly ass out the store…
Sacrifice: The act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else more important or worthy.
When is it proper to sacrifice?
When is it a good time to be selfish?
What is the deciding factor?
What...Who...is worth the sacrifice?
Is the sacrifice, the loss, the solitude.....does it justify the outcome?
What if… what we feel like is a sacrifice, is actually us opening the door to a possibility of a happiness we never knew existed?
What if we have to sacrifice what we think makes us happy, to truly be happy?
Should we be able to find happiness in anything?
Is it ever wrong to put our own wants before someone else's?
Is it always wrong?
What makes something or someone "Worth It."
When does one choose to Sacrifice and when does one choose to be Selfish?
These questions & others have been plaguing me all week.
When do we put other's needs in front of our own?
And when do we put our own personal needs before others...
When is it that our needs come first and others don’t?
Maybe to be truly happy we must sacrifice all that we deem worthy…for as the song goes… “You can’t always get what you want…but you get what you need...”
What is it that we truly need?
Or are all our wants and desires just things that we put in front of our happiness?
Do we really need anything?
Or can we just be happy… no matter what?
What if we sacrifice our wants in order to reach eternal happiness?
As I come to the realization that I must take a job offer that seems like some bad joke and as my personal world continues to swirl out of control…My dad’s voice echoes in my head…. “You must learn to surrender…surrender…surrender” …and yet sometimes it causes me to tremble…tremble…tremble.
And as I think of what the word “sabbatical” truly means… I consider that this sabbatical that I think of…maybe a sabbatical not from sex but from WANT…from the things that I desire, from the need…that desire simply gets in the way of a chosen path that stands before me.
If I am truly to reach my throne as Queen… what sacrifice comes with it?
What eternal wonder is to follow?
Is it not all “worth it”
Who gets to decide what is more important than the others?
And if we ever truly sacrifice something that means so much to us…does in not return in some way or another…eventually… or is that just a pipe dream?
I have decided to stay true to my sabbatical …but maybe I didn’t really understand what I meant by saying “sabbatical” in the beginning…
I need to go outside of myself, and what I think makes me happy…and just be happy.
I need to step away from what I hold dear to truly understand what is important to me.
I need to lose my feelings of “want”… a Sabbatical from “want.”
It is a lesson that I need to learn.
And maybe in learning it…I can teach others the virtue of sacrifice.
Maybe if I put everything in front of my wants, and just do what brings happiness to others…I will find it.
Maybe I will encourage others to sacrifice “wants” for happiness…
Maybe I will inspire…
That would be awesomeness…times 11.
If that does not work…maybe I’ll go shopping…
Speaking of shopping…
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
FINDING A PAIR OF SHOES
All right…walk up and down the aisles…picking up a shoe here and there, find one that you like…make sure the soles bend (this is a trick of my mom’s to test if the shoe is going to be comfortable…if the bottom does not bend, it aint going to be comfy)…now take the shoes out of the box…slip one on ...do a half runway strut…got to have a “strut worthy” shoe…it works…its fly…you can do your dance moves in them (practice a couple..ie..”hop into the shower dance”)…oh yeah., these shoes totally work…you will take them….now strut your fly ass out the store…
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Blog 50...Opportunity came Knocking
Blog 50...Opportunity Came Knocking...
Opportunity came knocking this week, do I answer the door with a kind smile, or do I shut it with a polite "not interested" and wait patiently for it to knock again?
Yet I know this particular candyman will not return.
Opportunity came knocking this week, and it has taken me for a head spin that I did not see coming.
A look has taken over my face "contemplation" is its name...and making me a "confused ass individual" is its game.
Opportunity came in the form of a job offer that I must consider, even though I have no desire to.
I got offered a job that would free me from my current financial situation, in fact, it would set me up for life...in three years time, I would have the financial freedom to do what I see fit with my life.
I would have to be in charge again, gross, I hate being the mean one (but I am a good boss)...and I would have to work solid for three years and not take a lot of time off and be married to the job for 3 years...but after that course of time I would be a 25% percent owner of a company, only have to work 2 hours a week and make enough money a year that I could live modestly and travel, I could retire, I could start a 401k, I could see places I have never seen, I could help my friends start their own companies...open my own company again, I could consider having a child if I wanted to (I am in no financial position to even consider the notion of having a child now)...
For as much as money is a bitch, it sure does make shit a whole lot easier and you do get to do a whole bunch of more cool stuff...
Now why you might ask am I not opening the door for opportunity and offering it a steak dinner...
Well...it is a Dairy Queen...right, this totally threw me, me a princess, running a Dairy Queen and than owning it...me...and fryer oil on a daily basis...WHAT...but to only have to do it for three years and than be done, I could do it...
But the Dairy Queen is in SOUTH DAKOTA...
Yeah, close your mouth, I was stunned quiet for the first two minutes too...what kind of chicken fucker would offer me a job that would give me all this and than tell me it is in South Dakota...Yet I have been offered this job by a friend of my father, who knows my struggles, and my accomplishments, my work ethic and who wants with my parents for me to have a better life.
And don't I want a better life?
Is there such a thing as a life in South Dakota?
Where the fuck is South Dakota?
Do they have glitter in South Dakota?
Who the fuck lives in South Dakota?
Does the Warren Haynes Band come to South Dakota?
What if I do all this for a better life and I end up dying in South Dakota...ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
Are the promises of a better tomorrow, stronger than the happiness of today?
How happy am I really today?
I mean I love San Francisco, first and foremost my family is here and to leave them would tear me apart..I treasure having my parents a 15 minute car away, having them be such a part of my life has helped me gain a strength I never knew existed, they are my rock. (who the hell is going to keep an extra house key for me in case I get locked out)
But as much as I do not want to leave my parents, I want to make them happy, and I don't know if seeing their daughter struggle for money in the tenderloin makes them as proud of me as they could be.
Don't get me wrong, my parents are damm proud of me, and remind me constantly how far I have come...but life is not about all that you have done...it is about what you continue to do...
And improving myself in the financial arena, would get me out of the tenderloin, for as much as I love the tenderloin...in order for me to be a Queen I need to explore the world, and if that is my destiny, why would I not take this chance.
In all departments, why not take this chance?
I would not be around the friends I have made, I have worked hard to get into the careers that I have entered, I have made my life easier than I could have ever imagined in the city...I am a freaking Princess here peeps...and I love it...and I am so scared to give up my life of culture, music and color...
But I can always come back...I would love to come back with enough money that I can live in a place that I don't see crack getting smoked 30 times a day and maybe start a shelter or something to help those people on the street...
What if I have to leave to be able to come back and make a true difference?
But South Dakota...what kind of cruel "fuck you" is opportunity trying to pull on me...
Doesn't South Dakota have a shit ton of tornadoes?
And yet I have been speaking of Sabbatical...maybe I just need to take it to a whole new level...
I have not made my choice yet, but in the back of my mind, I don't know how I could pass up this opportunity even if it made me unhappy for three years....
And if I was unhappy, would it have anything to fucking do with South Dakota or just a whole lot to do with me?
Opportunity...You are a Chicken Fucker...times 10.
Thank you Opportunity for knocking at my door, my eyes have been opened to thoughts I never knew existed...now if you could have "Stop being Confused as Fuck" knock on my door next...I would greatly appreciate it...totally...cause he would get a steak dinner for sure.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK...
GRILLING THE STEAK...
There ain't nothing like grilled meat (not trying to offend any vegetarians here...what ever makes you happy, besides...more meat for me)...
So start by squirting your lighter fluid on the charcoal, now light it...WOW, holy crap, you put a shit ton of fluid on that bad boy, whew...that made you step back...Let the grill warm up as you check to make sure you still got eye lashes and all that important action...now grab your plate of steak...season those babies with some salt & pepper and toss them on the grill...as you drink beer and chat with your friends keep an eye on your meet...flip it every once in a while and poke at it...beer is finished = steak probably done...take those bad boys off the grill (you can let them rest while you go grab another beer)...MEAT TIME.
Opportunity came knocking this week, do I answer the door with a kind smile, or do I shut it with a polite "not interested" and wait patiently for it to knock again?
Yet I know this particular candyman will not return.
Opportunity came knocking this week, and it has taken me for a head spin that I did not see coming.
A look has taken over my face "contemplation" is its name...and making me a "confused ass individual" is its game.
Opportunity came in the form of a job offer that I must consider, even though I have no desire to.
I got offered a job that would free me from my current financial situation, in fact, it would set me up for life...in three years time, I would have the financial freedom to do what I see fit with my life.
I would have to be in charge again, gross, I hate being the mean one (but I am a good boss)...and I would have to work solid for three years and not take a lot of time off and be married to the job for 3 years...but after that course of time I would be a 25% percent owner of a company, only have to work 2 hours a week and make enough money a year that I could live modestly and travel, I could retire, I could start a 401k, I could see places I have never seen, I could help my friends start their own companies...open my own company again, I could consider having a child if I wanted to (I am in no financial position to even consider the notion of having a child now)...
For as much as money is a bitch, it sure does make shit a whole lot easier and you do get to do a whole bunch of more cool stuff...
Now why you might ask am I not opening the door for opportunity and offering it a steak dinner...
Well...it is a Dairy Queen...right, this totally threw me, me a princess, running a Dairy Queen and than owning it...me...and fryer oil on a daily basis...WHAT...but to only have to do it for three years and than be done, I could do it...
But the Dairy Queen is in SOUTH DAKOTA...
Yeah, close your mouth, I was stunned quiet for the first two minutes too...what kind of chicken fucker would offer me a job that would give me all this and than tell me it is in South Dakota...Yet I have been offered this job by a friend of my father, who knows my struggles, and my accomplishments, my work ethic and who wants with my parents for me to have a better life.
And don't I want a better life?
Is there such a thing as a life in South Dakota?
Where the fuck is South Dakota?
Do they have glitter in South Dakota?
Who the fuck lives in South Dakota?
Does the Warren Haynes Band come to South Dakota?
What if I do all this for a better life and I end up dying in South Dakota...ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
Are the promises of a better tomorrow, stronger than the happiness of today?
How happy am I really today?
I mean I love San Francisco, first and foremost my family is here and to leave them would tear me apart..I treasure having my parents a 15 minute car away, having them be such a part of my life has helped me gain a strength I never knew existed, they are my rock. (who the hell is going to keep an extra house key for me in case I get locked out)
But as much as I do not want to leave my parents, I want to make them happy, and I don't know if seeing their daughter struggle for money in the tenderloin makes them as proud of me as they could be.
Don't get me wrong, my parents are damm proud of me, and remind me constantly how far I have come...but life is not about all that you have done...it is about what you continue to do...
And improving myself in the financial arena, would get me out of the tenderloin, for as much as I love the tenderloin...in order for me to be a Queen I need to explore the world, and if that is my destiny, why would I not take this chance.
In all departments, why not take this chance?
I would not be around the friends I have made, I have worked hard to get into the careers that I have entered, I have made my life easier than I could have ever imagined in the city...I am a freaking Princess here peeps...and I love it...and I am so scared to give up my life of culture, music and color...
But I can always come back...I would love to come back with enough money that I can live in a place that I don't see crack getting smoked 30 times a day and maybe start a shelter or something to help those people on the street...
What if I have to leave to be able to come back and make a true difference?
But South Dakota...what kind of cruel "fuck you" is opportunity trying to pull on me...
Doesn't South Dakota have a shit ton of tornadoes?
And yet I have been speaking of Sabbatical...maybe I just need to take it to a whole new level...
I have not made my choice yet, but in the back of my mind, I don't know how I could pass up this opportunity even if it made me unhappy for three years....
And if I was unhappy, would it have anything to fucking do with South Dakota or just a whole lot to do with me?
Opportunity...You are a Chicken Fucker...times 10.
Thank you Opportunity for knocking at my door, my eyes have been opened to thoughts I never knew existed...now if you could have "Stop being Confused as Fuck" knock on my door next...I would greatly appreciate it...totally...cause he would get a steak dinner for sure.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK...
GRILLING THE STEAK...
There ain't nothing like grilled meat (not trying to offend any vegetarians here...what ever makes you happy, besides...more meat for me)...
So start by squirting your lighter fluid on the charcoal, now light it...WOW, holy crap, you put a shit ton of fluid on that bad boy, whew...that made you step back...Let the grill warm up as you check to make sure you still got eye lashes and all that important action...now grab your plate of steak...season those babies with some salt & pepper and toss them on the grill...as you drink beer and chat with your friends keep an eye on your meet...flip it every once in a while and poke at it...beer is finished = steak probably done...take those bad boys off the grill (you can let them rest while you go grab another beer)...MEAT TIME.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Blog 49...It aint easy being Cute
Blog 49...It aint easy being Cute...
As I walked home the other night, bawling my eyes out, I prayed for my psoriasis to come back and ravage my body again, to make me like a leper again...so that I would not have to deal with the pains of being cute, and that people who wanted to be with me, would want me for what is inside and not what I look like on the outside.
For it is not easy being cute.
I could not wear nice dresses, not go on butt walks, I could stand still at shows and ignore the electric current the music jets through my body...but it makes me feel so good when I work out, wear a beautiful dress or dance my ass off...but I don't want the attention that comes with it...How do I find a happy medium?
I would like to walk down the street and not get whistled and gawked at. (my favorite is when they get mad that I don't respond to the cat-call...how does one respond to "ohhhh red, what a view from behind, I could bite that ass."....how I wish I could have the power to blink and blow someone's head up)
I would like to go to a show and not have a married man hit on me and than get mad when he gets called out on it. How was I suppose to know that I wasn't allowed to tell anyone that you were hitting on me (obviously I told the wrong person cause they just made the shit storm worse...but it never would have happen if the man with the ring around his finger didn't ask me to make out with him in a closet via text...in his world, texts don't have "tone" so it wasn't coming on to me...It aint easy being cute, but at least I'm not a dumb ass.)
I would like to go to a show and not have women get jealous of me. I don't want your fucking man, for god sake, I am on sexual sabbatical, my love life is enough of a shit storm, I do not need to add to the hurricane. And I don't want a man that is in a relationship. That is to much shit storm for me, too much bad karma...no thank you...I don't go out looking for dudes, it is not my thing. I would like to smoke a joint with both of you, get to know you, groove to the music...cause I would always like more friendly faces to say hi to...
Even friends get mad at me for being cute. It really sucks when someone who is suppose to be your good girl friend gets jealous of you. To put so much time and effort into a friendship and then just have her shit on it cause boys that she likes pay attention to me (not even hit on me, just pay attention)...well darlin, just a side note, they might pay more attention to you if you didn't have that ugly jealousy mask all over your fucking face, cause that shit is far from attractive.
I would like to go to a show and not get hit on period. Not be followed around by a complete chode who every five minutes wraps his arms around my waist and tells me "I own the barber shop next door, you should come and check it out." I don't give a fuck what you own, what you do, I don't give a flying fuck, I am at a show, I am here to listen to music...SHUT THE FUCK UP.
And if you are going to talk to me, talk to me about shit that matters, not how you want to get with me, cause you don't even know me.
I guess that is what I don't get.
I don't think I'm cute cause of how I look.
I'm cute cause I am a ding dong, have a high voice, say odd things that crack you up, have good intentions, am a sweetheart, give "snugglets" as hugs and so forth.
And you have to know me, to know that about me.
When I told my girlfriend that the married man had hit on me (I hadn't realized he was married at that point...we both hadn't) she asked how I felt about it, I said "I don't know...I don't know him, I don't find someone cute unless I know them."
"Yeah, your weird like that" she responded.
To me, that is not bizarre, it is reality. After having psoriasis all over my body, being covered with spots from head to toe, I just don't see "cute" in the same eyes.
Beauty or cuteness of the skin level comes and goes...but what is inside, shines...incandescently.
And that is what kills me so much...that it aint easy being the kind of "cute" that a lot of people think of.
But it is hella easy to be my kinda "cute"...
You just be you.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE CHAINSAW
So before you do this dance move, make sure you have some distance from the person behind you...you don't want to go elbowing people in the face.
All right, safety first, pull down your goggles, then just like the lawnmower, you got to prime...pump that shit, three times should do the trick, now pull that string back...it is all about the follow through (hence the distance between you and the person behind you)...you might have to pull it about 3 times before it starts, but you will know when you got it cause your body starts to shake instantly, now turn the saw, get your sawing stance on (mine is the left foot at 10 and the right at 5) and saw that fucking log bitches.
As I walked home the other night, bawling my eyes out, I prayed for my psoriasis to come back and ravage my body again, to make me like a leper again...so that I would not have to deal with the pains of being cute, and that people who wanted to be with me, would want me for what is inside and not what I look like on the outside.
For it is not easy being cute.
I could not wear nice dresses, not go on butt walks, I could stand still at shows and ignore the electric current the music jets through my body...but it makes me feel so good when I work out, wear a beautiful dress or dance my ass off...but I don't want the attention that comes with it...How do I find a happy medium?
I would like to walk down the street and not get whistled and gawked at. (my favorite is when they get mad that I don't respond to the cat-call...how does one respond to "ohhhh red, what a view from behind, I could bite that ass."....how I wish I could have the power to blink and blow someone's head up)
I would like to go to a show and not have a married man hit on me and than get mad when he gets called out on it. How was I suppose to know that I wasn't allowed to tell anyone that you were hitting on me (obviously I told the wrong person cause they just made the shit storm worse...but it never would have happen if the man with the ring around his finger didn't ask me to make out with him in a closet via text...in his world, texts don't have "tone" so it wasn't coming on to me...It aint easy being cute, but at least I'm not a dumb ass.)
I would like to go to a show and not have women get jealous of me. I don't want your fucking man, for god sake, I am on sexual sabbatical, my love life is enough of a shit storm, I do not need to add to the hurricane. And I don't want a man that is in a relationship. That is to much shit storm for me, too much bad karma...no thank you...I don't go out looking for dudes, it is not my thing. I would like to smoke a joint with both of you, get to know you, groove to the music...cause I would always like more friendly faces to say hi to...
Even friends get mad at me for being cute. It really sucks when someone who is suppose to be your good girl friend gets jealous of you. To put so much time and effort into a friendship and then just have her shit on it cause boys that she likes pay attention to me (not even hit on me, just pay attention)...well darlin, just a side note, they might pay more attention to you if you didn't have that ugly jealousy mask all over your fucking face, cause that shit is far from attractive.
I would like to go to a show and not get hit on period. Not be followed around by a complete chode who every five minutes wraps his arms around my waist and tells me "I own the barber shop next door, you should come and check it out." I don't give a fuck what you own, what you do, I don't give a flying fuck, I am at a show, I am here to listen to music...SHUT THE FUCK UP.
And if you are going to talk to me, talk to me about shit that matters, not how you want to get with me, cause you don't even know me.
I guess that is what I don't get.
I don't think I'm cute cause of how I look.
I'm cute cause I am a ding dong, have a high voice, say odd things that crack you up, have good intentions, am a sweetheart, give "snugglets" as hugs and so forth.
And you have to know me, to know that about me.
When I told my girlfriend that the married man had hit on me (I hadn't realized he was married at that point...we both hadn't) she asked how I felt about it, I said "I don't know...I don't know him, I don't find someone cute unless I know them."
"Yeah, your weird like that" she responded.
To me, that is not bizarre, it is reality. After having psoriasis all over my body, being covered with spots from head to toe, I just don't see "cute" in the same eyes.
Beauty or cuteness of the skin level comes and goes...but what is inside, shines...incandescently.
And that is what kills me so much...that it aint easy being the kind of "cute" that a lot of people think of.
But it is hella easy to be my kinda "cute"...
You just be you.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE CHAINSAW
So before you do this dance move, make sure you have some distance from the person behind you...you don't want to go elbowing people in the face.
All right, safety first, pull down your goggles, then just like the lawnmower, you got to prime...pump that shit, three times should do the trick, now pull that string back...it is all about the follow through (hence the distance between you and the person behind you)...you might have to pull it about 3 times before it starts, but you will know when you got it cause your body starts to shake instantly, now turn the saw, get your sawing stance on (mine is the left foot at 10 and the right at 5) and saw that fucking log bitches.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Blog 48...To Forgive (Sabbatical Chronicles Part I)
Blog 48...To Forgive (Sabbatical Chronicles Part I)
Well I have made it a week into my Sexual Sabbatical, I think I gained 3 pounds, I am totally blaming it on the no sex thing...totally.
I sure the hell have been thinking a lot more, and trying to give myself more alone time with my phone off to just let myself swim in the river of thoughts flowing through my brain...I had no idea the tributary was so fucking deep...damm.
And while taking this time to figure out what I need and what I want, something my dad said to me about a year ago keeps flashing in my head.
I probably would have not even remembered it if my mom didn’t keep on pestering me about Thanksgiving plans...she wants me to join the family up in Brookings, Oregon...I went last year, it was the first time I had been back since the Thanksgiving that I decided to leave my ex-husband...when I went last year, it rocked me. All these memories of letting go flooded my head, I know I had made the right decision leaving my husband, but that by no means made it an easy choice...
I remember just bursting out into tears over the phone with my dad after the holiday trip, still trying to comprehend what exactly I was feeling...
My dad said...I had to forgive, I had to forgive my ex-husband, and I had to forgive myself.
I appreciated at first note what my father was preaching...and I strived hard for some time to forgive my ex-husband.
I think I finally reached that point to forgive him about four months ago when I found out he had a child with another woman.
For no matter how I feel about him, my feelings pale in importance to that of a child, a fresh face of life...and even though the news brought up memories of my own miscarriage and an odd feeling of my capabilities as “a woman”...any feelings of malice I had towards him, simply washed away.
I forgave him...
And on I went, doing my royal duties...and the closer the holiday season approaches, the more my mom keeps on bringing up the “thanksgiving thing” the more I fight it...the other day as I was on one of my late night walks the thought of going to Brookings flashed in my head, I recalled how upset I got last year... and in an instant, I knew why I did not want to go.
My dad’s words flashed in my head and I realized I had forgotten to accomplish the last part of his advice...I had to forgive myself.
I haven’t forgiven myself and I should.
I need to...
It is what is holding me back.
I learned so much from the mistakes that I made, from my loss, and I have climbed so high and even though I have struggled every step...I keep on walking up my hill.
The little girl I was when I met my husband, was the not the woman who left him, and is a mere shadow of the princess I am today.
I need to forgive myself for what I think was a mistake.
Marrying my ex-husband was not a mistake, it was a choice I made in my life that helped me become who I am today, and that is fucking awesomeness...and there is nothing fucking wrong with being awesomeness (especially when it is awesomeness times 11)
And finding the strength to leave a marriage that we were both unhappy in...that is proof of my veracity as a woman.
One cannot forgive oneself in a thought...
But the concept can kindle the fires of self-forgiveness which only time can ignite...
And it’s not like I can’t light a fire here peeps...
(and if there is a fire, can we please have smores...please)
DANCE OF THE WEEK
(this is another one of my lame affirmation dances, but whatever...you like it)
FORGIVING YOURSELF
Go saunter your hot ass in the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror...and tell yourself that you forgive yourself...for being a dumb ass, a chicken fucker, a ding dong, a bad friend, a bad lover, being selfish, not doing what is always right...anything that you do that you know is not being the best you, you can be...forgive yourself and be done with it...RELEASE
Well I have made it a week into my Sexual Sabbatical, I think I gained 3 pounds, I am totally blaming it on the no sex thing...totally.
I sure the hell have been thinking a lot more, and trying to give myself more alone time with my phone off to just let myself swim in the river of thoughts flowing through my brain...I had no idea the tributary was so fucking deep...damm.
And while taking this time to figure out what I need and what I want, something my dad said to me about a year ago keeps flashing in my head.
I probably would have not even remembered it if my mom didn’t keep on pestering me about Thanksgiving plans...she wants me to join the family up in Brookings, Oregon...I went last year, it was the first time I had been back since the Thanksgiving that I decided to leave my ex-husband...when I went last year, it rocked me. All these memories of letting go flooded my head, I know I had made the right decision leaving my husband, but that by no means made it an easy choice...
I remember just bursting out into tears over the phone with my dad after the holiday trip, still trying to comprehend what exactly I was feeling...
My dad said...I had to forgive, I had to forgive my ex-husband, and I had to forgive myself.
I appreciated at first note what my father was preaching...and I strived hard for some time to forgive my ex-husband.
I think I finally reached that point to forgive him about four months ago when I found out he had a child with another woman.
For no matter how I feel about him, my feelings pale in importance to that of a child, a fresh face of life...and even though the news brought up memories of my own miscarriage and an odd feeling of my capabilities as “a woman”...any feelings of malice I had towards him, simply washed away.
I forgave him...
And on I went, doing my royal duties...and the closer the holiday season approaches, the more my mom keeps on bringing up the “thanksgiving thing” the more I fight it...the other day as I was on one of my late night walks the thought of going to Brookings flashed in my head, I recalled how upset I got last year... and in an instant, I knew why I did not want to go.
My dad’s words flashed in my head and I realized I had forgotten to accomplish the last part of his advice...I had to forgive myself.
I haven’t forgiven myself and I should.
I need to...
It is what is holding me back.
I learned so much from the mistakes that I made, from my loss, and I have climbed so high and even though I have struggled every step...I keep on walking up my hill.
The little girl I was when I met my husband, was the not the woman who left him, and is a mere shadow of the princess I am today.
I need to forgive myself for what I think was a mistake.
Marrying my ex-husband was not a mistake, it was a choice I made in my life that helped me become who I am today, and that is fucking awesomeness...and there is nothing fucking wrong with being awesomeness (especially when it is awesomeness times 11)
And finding the strength to leave a marriage that we were both unhappy in...that is proof of my veracity as a woman.
One cannot forgive oneself in a thought...
But the concept can kindle the fires of self-forgiveness which only time can ignite...
And it’s not like I can’t light a fire here peeps...
(and if there is a fire, can we please have smores...please)
DANCE OF THE WEEK
(this is another one of my lame affirmation dances, but whatever...you like it)
FORGIVING YOURSELF
Go saunter your hot ass in the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror...and tell yourself that you forgive yourself...for being a dumb ass, a chicken fucker, a ding dong, a bad friend, a bad lover, being selfish, not doing what is always right...anything that you do that you know is not being the best you, you can be...forgive yourself and be done with it...RELEASE
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