Blog 122: Goodbye Tenderloin
I did it…after six years…I have left the tenderloin.
I didn’t know how different it would feel not being in the tenderloin. I did not understand the added weight on my shoulders living there….the darkness that clouded over me.
There was a couple things that triggered the move which all happened in a few days of each other…the crackhead grabbing onto my gate while they squatted and took a shit was a huge motivational moment…I mean can we wait for all of us to have coffee before we see that…wow.
The night the little kid got run over down the street, was the same night this creepy guy followed me to my doorstep from a restaurant I had just left and I thought all this was “the usual”…and then I realized my tenderloin “norm” was not okay.
But when one of the owners of the bodega down the street where I received my “street cred” many years ago was shot and killed…I knew…I had to move…if the peeps that keep me safe could not keep themselves safe…I was in trouble.
When I was talking to my parents about moving my dad told me, “I am scared…it keeps me up at night…you living here…all you have to be is in the wrong place at the wrong time…”
I had no idea how free I would be…I didn’t know the gravity of Sodom and Gomorra was so severe.
There is a heaviness that comes with not being able to look up…a shutter that happens ever time you see crack being smoked…a shiver and pain when you see someone shoving a needle into their arm, neck, foot, boob, etc….a hopelessness that is debilitating…
The feeling of helplessness is over powering…I want to do good things in my community…not hide…I want to look up and have the sunshine warm my face…
I have seen too much. I have witnessed things that no one should see…that should not exist.
I have seen pain, addiction, sin, death, shit…so much actual shit…I wish I could forget it all…wipe my memory clean of it all.
It has shaped how I view myself socially… it has turned myself inward and kept me introverted these past few years. I used to feel so outgoing...
It has morphed & evolved my feelings on drugs…I can’t party like I used to, I have a hard time seeing almost all drug use…I think because I have seen daily how far people can slip…and never get up.
In the beginning I felt so tough and hardcore being able to live in the tenderloin. I felt like a needed to prove a point.
Well the point has been proven…I am one badass bitch that you probably don’t want to mess with…but it has come at a price.
I don’t think the best of man…I think the worst…granted this means I ain’t never going to leave nothing in a car cause I know someone will break into it…but sometimes I wish I could bring back the softness…the purity…the naive thoughts of how we are all awesome and good…I wish often that I could forget the horrors that I have seen…but I can’t…they are burned into my being…branded into my brain.
I can only try to right the wrongs, fix the things that I can…and accept the things that I cannot…and move forward with the lessons that I have learned…and the exactitude that stands before me.
Let’s be honest here peeps…I ain’t no princess…I am a mother-fucking Queen.
It is time that I acknowledge that…understand that…and hold myself accountable to that standard…and walk towards the sun’s shinning light and do all the good that I am capable of doing…because this is my path.
Even the acceptance of destiny comes at a price…a sacrifice…a burden of truth.
To change the world one must change from within and encourage their illumination to be a beacon for those that desire transformation and growth.
It is my obligation as a Queen to do good…it is our obligation as humans to do good.
So goodbye Tenderloin…goodbye Diaries of a Tenderloin Princess…goodbye darkness.
…Hello Light…
Dance Move of the Week:
“It Don’t Smell Like Pee Anymore” Dance
Where I live now…DOES NOT SMELL LIKE PEE...IT IS AWESOME…so why not do a dance about it…
Start the dance move by swinging your hips back and forth and holding your nose in the air…sniff a couple times…ohhhhhh man it smells like Tenderloin Piss…that is the worst cause you know it ain’t all piss ☹ Breathe through your nose a couple times but keep those hips moving…grooving…you have grooved along far enough that you are going to try again, free your nose from your fingers and sniff some more…what is that…Jasmine…hmmmm…smell again…take another deep deep breathe and take it in…huge smile on your face…it don’t small like pee anymore…the hips never stop moving.
This is also a great dance move to sniff people and make sure they smell good (cause smelling good is important!!!!!) and for sniffing out the good weed…cause you know that always smells good…
I personally would use the "Pee Smell" for peeps that smell bad & the "Jasmine Smell" for peeps that smell good.
Monday, April 18, 2016
Friday, May 29, 2015
Blog 121: Life is Fucking Weird
Blog 121: Life is Fucking Weird…
Ya…so I have been super quiet for some time…it probably is cause shit is cra-cra!
So this life thing, is fucking weird…I mean seriously, it makes no fucking sense.
I need sunglasses and an aspirin for this craziness… (weed and kaleidoscope glasses would also totally work..in fact they would be better!)
I have tried to figure out what direction it is going in, but right when I think I know, things get hooky and I spin in another route.
I try reading the map but can’t figure out which way is up, north or west!
Sometimes the nervous thoughts in my head over power my gut…sometimes my instinct is stronger than doubt….often i don’t know which is which and it confuses the fuck out of me.
From time to time the befuddlement freezes me…and I become isolated for a moment from reality…trying to stoop in the meaning of it all but then I realize I shouldn’t even try to figure out this shit…I should just roll with it…
Often, I simply toss glitter in the air and march, having faith in my sense of the true path and my destiny….sometimes I get the wind wrong and glitter bomb myself!
A lot of times, shit goes down that makes me have the Joey Lawrence “Whoaaaaa” look on my face….sometimes I am so shocked I just have to walk away…daily I wish I had a video camera on me so I could actually document the craziness that I see and experience. (my weirdness levels might be extremely high due to living in the Tenderloin and working on Haight Street…I love it and it is my life, but I yearn for more moments of quiet, serenity and peace.)
Most likely, after the “whoaaaaaaaa” face I get a “huhhhhhhhh” face on.
Occasionally, I hear something that makes me take a knee…
More often than not I have about a 50% reality of what is going on…we could push 60%.
Once in a while a supernatural force shows me the light in the strangest of places if I look at it right.
A wise man once told me, “When the going gets Weird, the Weird get Digital.”
Maybe I should listen to my friend…when shit gets to cra-cra, maybe I should add more glitter, a little more rainbows and start jump-spinning…cause what ever I might be freaking out about would probably be forgotten after the first 3 revolving spins!
And I would look like an orbiting prism…epic!
Cause it is all Weird, it is all Fucked Up…I just got to tuck and roll and protect my neck…or not eat pizza before one goes into a pogo stick/spaz dance move….and embrace the craziness that is life.
It is about dealing with it all with grace and sparkles, dodging the bad or letting it roll of my back and following the good so I know which way to walk…and no matter what…I just need to keep walking….cause there is always an awesome path for me to take (It is actually me that helps make the path so awesome.)
And damm it…If I am lost and confused, I will at least look like a hot sparkle mess!
So…life…it doesn’t make any sense, there is not rhyme or reason…shit is weird….
So I need to go with it….and smell good the entire time!
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
JAMES BOND ACTION-NESS
So this dance move is always better with a great action theme song in your head…I would try to type out the tune that I hum, but I am tone-def as a mother fucker…anyhoo
Start with making a finger gun…make sure that it is fierce…now start your quiet high steps…after about 4 steps…freeze for 5 seconds…than jump alert with your gun aimed at a random someone…they may freak out…details…not the person you were looking for…no worries…get crouched down again, fierce gun stance in place and start to high step again until you stiff out the person that you are looking for and GUN STANCE…what, they are so shocked that you can just grab the joint at of their hand…
Dance move handled!
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Blog 120: All Along the Watchtower…
Blog 120: All Along the Watchtower…
“There must be some way out of here” said the Joker to the thief…
Have you ever felt trapped in a cocoon, kicking and scratching to break free…the need to fly is greater than the desire to breathe…you are acutely aware that there is so much more out there…so much more to see, to experience…but something is holding you back, tied to you…inhibiting you from crawling to the opening…and you simply yearn to see the light.
I feel in my life that I am capable of so much more, that I have way more potential that I could reach…I simply am unaware of which direction to walk and which instincts to trust.
There is too much confusion…I can’t get no relief…
I am so content and so frustrated all at the same time. It confuses me how I can be so happy yet so sad…so full of love and so alone…I contemplate how far I have come and am in tune with how much farther I must walk…no matter how hard I try, I simply feel conflicted with the deep rooted need to move forward.
And I am petrified of making a mistake that I feel sometimes the fear causes me to stay still. The blankness of the unknown encompasses me, weighing me down so I become stuck in a pile of quick sand…fighting and pleading to be released.
Businessmen, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth
I lot of people depend on me in many aspects, sometimes I don’t feel like I have any time for myself or my wants…my needs, I am too busy dealing with whatever desires others deem important. I see them do for them what they need to do and wonder why I don’t get that chance to do for me.
Yet this is something I have put on myself…I have allowed it…I have taken on the responsibility.
I must watch and learn….and figure out the balance to not only do for others but to do for myself as well.
None of them along the line know what any of it is worth.
I contemplate often if the people I give my time to truly understand what it is worth and realize that it takes away from my time…do they appreciate it?
Or just think I have nothing better to do…
Do I need to appreciate the experiences and love they are giving me more or am I just too exhausted to comprehend.
“No reason to get excited” the thief he kindly spoke
I can’t spend all my time contemplating my frustration…if I did that I would never ascend, I can only do what I can and simply be content with that…and know that what I am doing brings great pride.
“There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke…
Sometimes people I run in to are just delusional (maybe its the all the drugs)…and I feel like to them life is a chess game and they try to make me and others into pawns and pieces in their game. This makes me mad! These are the people that I know for a fact I cannot give my time and energy to, and on the rare occurrences I must…I smile, nod and keep on keeping on. (With a possible glitter bombing as they turn away.)
But you and I, we’ve been through that, and this is not our fate…
But myself (I can’t speak for you) I know that I only have one chance…my fate is to go and do good, or try my very hardest to, not just for myself but for my community and my kingdom. Which is one of the reasons I must remind myself about the need to help others…and not get caught up in the why…only in the need.
So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late.”
These feelings I have about doubt and second thoughts are ones will all have, but we can not be consumed by “what ifs” but only forge ahead towards the dawn.
I can’t get caught up in why other people do what they do and why I do what I do…I would waste all my time thinking and not enough time doing.
All along the watchtower, this princess kept her view
As I have grown one of my favorite things to do has been to sit back and take everything in. To examine how people react to their surroundings…I feel the greatest lessons are among us. In watching how the others live…I acknowledge whether their path is or is not one for me…and I see my future even more brightly. Even through my pain and confusion…the light shines the road of consciousness before me and I am ready to walk in the right direction. As I ascend, the winds begin to howl…..
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE DR. EVIL DANCE MOVE:
Are you feeling naughty…are you doing something that you know your friends might have issues with…are you feeling frisky????
We this is the dance move for you (it may be traumatizing for your friends)
Okay, put your pinky finger to the corner of your mouth, and make sure you eyes have that “I’m trouble” smirk and shake it on down now! You have so many options…bending your head down and your booty up, coming up behind someone and doing it while you air hump….doing it with a friend when you are butt to butt. However you do the “Dr Evil” Dance move works…YEAHHHHHHH BABY!
“There must be some way out of here” said the Joker to the thief…
Have you ever felt trapped in a cocoon, kicking and scratching to break free…the need to fly is greater than the desire to breathe…you are acutely aware that there is so much more out there…so much more to see, to experience…but something is holding you back, tied to you…inhibiting you from crawling to the opening…and you simply yearn to see the light.
I feel in my life that I am capable of so much more, that I have way more potential that I could reach…I simply am unaware of which direction to walk and which instincts to trust.
There is too much confusion…I can’t get no relief…
I am so content and so frustrated all at the same time. It confuses me how I can be so happy yet so sad…so full of love and so alone…I contemplate how far I have come and am in tune with how much farther I must walk…no matter how hard I try, I simply feel conflicted with the deep rooted need to move forward.
And I am petrified of making a mistake that I feel sometimes the fear causes me to stay still. The blankness of the unknown encompasses me, weighing me down so I become stuck in a pile of quick sand…fighting and pleading to be released.
Businessmen, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth
I lot of people depend on me in many aspects, sometimes I don’t feel like I have any time for myself or my wants…my needs, I am too busy dealing with whatever desires others deem important. I see them do for them what they need to do and wonder why I don’t get that chance to do for me.
Yet this is something I have put on myself…I have allowed it…I have taken on the responsibility.
I must watch and learn….and figure out the balance to not only do for others but to do for myself as well.
None of them along the line know what any of it is worth.
I contemplate often if the people I give my time to truly understand what it is worth and realize that it takes away from my time…do they appreciate it?
Or just think I have nothing better to do…
Do I need to appreciate the experiences and love they are giving me more or am I just too exhausted to comprehend.
“No reason to get excited” the thief he kindly spoke
I can’t spend all my time contemplating my frustration…if I did that I would never ascend, I can only do what I can and simply be content with that…and know that what I am doing brings great pride.
“There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke…
Sometimes people I run in to are just delusional (maybe its the all the drugs)…and I feel like to them life is a chess game and they try to make me and others into pawns and pieces in their game. This makes me mad! These are the people that I know for a fact I cannot give my time and energy to, and on the rare occurrences I must…I smile, nod and keep on keeping on. (With a possible glitter bombing as they turn away.)
But you and I, we’ve been through that, and this is not our fate…
But myself (I can’t speak for you) I know that I only have one chance…my fate is to go and do good, or try my very hardest to, not just for myself but for my community and my kingdom. Which is one of the reasons I must remind myself about the need to help others…and not get caught up in the why…only in the need.
So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late.”
These feelings I have about doubt and second thoughts are ones will all have, but we can not be consumed by “what ifs” but only forge ahead towards the dawn.
I can’t get caught up in why other people do what they do and why I do what I do…I would waste all my time thinking and not enough time doing.
All along the watchtower, this princess kept her view
As I have grown one of my favorite things to do has been to sit back and take everything in. To examine how people react to their surroundings…I feel the greatest lessons are among us. In watching how the others live…I acknowledge whether their path is or is not one for me…and I see my future even more brightly. Even through my pain and confusion…the light shines the road of consciousness before me and I am ready to walk in the right direction. As I ascend, the winds begin to howl…..
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE DR. EVIL DANCE MOVE:
Are you feeling naughty…are you doing something that you know your friends might have issues with…are you feeling frisky????
We this is the dance move for you (it may be traumatizing for your friends)
Okay, put your pinky finger to the corner of your mouth, and make sure you eyes have that “I’m trouble” smirk and shake it on down now! You have so many options…bending your head down and your booty up, coming up behind someone and doing it while you air hump….doing it with a friend when you are butt to butt. However you do the “Dr Evil” Dance move works…YEAHHHHHHH BABY!
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Blog 119: Stop Saying I need a Man!
Blog 119: Stop Saying I Need a Man…
I have had quite a few people in recent weeks tell me what I need…They say I need a Man to take care of me…and I’m like…”Yo bro…I got my shit handled.”
I understand they are just trying to tell me what they think is best.
One had the audacity to tell me if I wasn’t so tall…or sassy…or if I didn’t come off so intelligent I might get a man…
When I replied, “No…I just haven’t found someone that treats me as good as I treat myself.”
He responded, “No, maybe it is how you come off.”
I tried to remind him that I was a princess and I think he said no again…but to be honest, I don’t really remember because when I get stuck in conversations or situations that don’t mentally stimulate me I go to my happy place…and my “Happy Place” has rainbows and sparkles with bubbles and dancing bears and spinning action-ness…and is totally distracting from whatever conversation I am trying not to be in…if you ever see me in public and I got this weird look in my eye and my mouth is slightly open…that is “Deep Happy Place” time…shit is getting digital!
Anyhoo…to sum it up…I am pretty sure he said my 10 year plan should be to get a man to take care of me so I could have a family.
We had some “Deep Happy Place” moments that day.
Then, just the other day my friend takes me out to dinner and he goes…
“Homie, we need to get you Balling!”
and of course I am like, “Totally!”
Then he was like…”We need to find you a man that can take of you.”
As my jaw started to drop and visions of sugar plums started dancing in my head, I think I said, “No Bro…how bout I just do it my fucking self.”
I believe he laughed at me and said something else…but at that point the colors were to intense for me to really pay attention.
Now I know that both these men where coming from a place of love and wanting what is best for me…I know that their intentions are truly good…they are just way of base.
But it seems like everyone is on this “Sunny needs a man kick”…cause even my Moms said it the other day.
I was like…”Mom, stop…that is bullshit. I have so much stuff I have to do for me, I don’t have time to deal with a man right now..besides you and dad’s relationship has pretty much fucked any chance I have of finding a dude that makes me happy.”
(I have written about how awesome my parents relationship is, how my dad cuts the tree in front of the house in the shape of a heart so when my mom comes home she knows how much he loves her…I was telling a boy..aka “Tales of the Crypt” about how my dad pumps my mom gas for her to “make sure her tank is always full.”…he laughed and said he hoped I didn’t expect him to treat me like that. I shook my head…I thought that was the point of having kids…for them to have better than what you had…so yeah, mom and dad…you have fucked me…but not really, for unlike many…I get to be a witness to a true partnership that has span many years and only grows over time.)
I had a man once, I was married…and because I was young I thought I needed to be married to be happy…I thought that is what made my parents work…not the qualities that one possesses as I have now learned. That was ten years of my life I spent doing someone else’s dream…I refuse to waste another moment…
And yes I get lonely and sad. But I also wake up Happy and acknowledge almost everyday how great and blessed my life is. I least on my own I have found some fucking balance.
I don’t need a man to take care of me…I have actually done a pretty damm good job of doing that on my own…and there has been glitter and nice dinners the entire time. Yes I could have more…but patience Sunny, patience.
And If I actually ever feel like being with a man again…it will NOT be because I need him to take care of me…it will be cause I WANT him in my life…that he will bring out more of the light within me…not have me become this thing he tends to.
I want a man that wants more for me…for my of dreams to be accomplished...and the ability to achieve his own in the process...but I don't need this…for I am too busy accomplishing the dreams that I can on my own and with my family.
So please…stop fucking telling me I need a man…serious glitter bombing will follow.
If you really want to be my friend or give me good advise…tell me to do more of what makes me happy, encourage me to find my path, my voice and my meaning.
For that…is what will truly make me a Happy and full of Sunshine.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
MAKING THE COCKTAIL…
Cause sometimes you get thirsty!
Okay so this works great for when you are at a show and your friend is next to you with a full drink…preferably vodka…grab and extra cup and walk up to them…ask to borrow their cup and once in hand show them your other cup…give them both a little wave in the air. Squeeze the lime they have on the edge of their cup into their drink then put your empty cup on top…do a pretend shaker move…I say pretend to avoid spilling…if you feel like you got good suction then by all mean shake away. Always feel free to shake your booty while you shake your drink. Once you feel like you have gotten the effect across….evenly distribute the cocktail into the two glasses…and give them a cheers and say, “now that is how you make a great cocktail.” I usually smile very big as well and hope it works. (Buying the next round for your friend encourages this dance move to happen more frequently…and beer is never recommend.)
I have had quite a few people in recent weeks tell me what I need…They say I need a Man to take care of me…and I’m like…”Yo bro…I got my shit handled.”
I understand they are just trying to tell me what they think is best.
One had the audacity to tell me if I wasn’t so tall…or sassy…or if I didn’t come off so intelligent I might get a man…
When I replied, “No…I just haven’t found someone that treats me as good as I treat myself.”
He responded, “No, maybe it is how you come off.”
I tried to remind him that I was a princess and I think he said no again…but to be honest, I don’t really remember because when I get stuck in conversations or situations that don’t mentally stimulate me I go to my happy place…and my “Happy Place” has rainbows and sparkles with bubbles and dancing bears and spinning action-ness…and is totally distracting from whatever conversation I am trying not to be in…if you ever see me in public and I got this weird look in my eye and my mouth is slightly open…that is “Deep Happy Place” time…shit is getting digital!
Anyhoo…to sum it up…I am pretty sure he said my 10 year plan should be to get a man to take care of me so I could have a family.
We had some “Deep Happy Place” moments that day.
Then, just the other day my friend takes me out to dinner and he goes…
“Homie, we need to get you Balling!”
and of course I am like, “Totally!”
Then he was like…”We need to find you a man that can take of you.”
As my jaw started to drop and visions of sugar plums started dancing in my head, I think I said, “No Bro…how bout I just do it my fucking self.”
I believe he laughed at me and said something else…but at that point the colors were to intense for me to really pay attention.
Now I know that both these men where coming from a place of love and wanting what is best for me…I know that their intentions are truly good…they are just way of base.
But it seems like everyone is on this “Sunny needs a man kick”…cause even my Moms said it the other day.
I was like…”Mom, stop…that is bullshit. I have so much stuff I have to do for me, I don’t have time to deal with a man right now..besides you and dad’s relationship has pretty much fucked any chance I have of finding a dude that makes me happy.”
(I have written about how awesome my parents relationship is, how my dad cuts the tree in front of the house in the shape of a heart so when my mom comes home she knows how much he loves her…I was telling a boy..aka “Tales of the Crypt” about how my dad pumps my mom gas for her to “make sure her tank is always full.”…he laughed and said he hoped I didn’t expect him to treat me like that. I shook my head…I thought that was the point of having kids…for them to have better than what you had…so yeah, mom and dad…you have fucked me…but not really, for unlike many…I get to be a witness to a true partnership that has span many years and only grows over time.)
I had a man once, I was married…and because I was young I thought I needed to be married to be happy…I thought that is what made my parents work…not the qualities that one possesses as I have now learned. That was ten years of my life I spent doing someone else’s dream…I refuse to waste another moment…
And yes I get lonely and sad. But I also wake up Happy and acknowledge almost everyday how great and blessed my life is. I least on my own I have found some fucking balance.
I don’t need a man to take care of me…I have actually done a pretty damm good job of doing that on my own…and there has been glitter and nice dinners the entire time. Yes I could have more…but patience Sunny, patience.
And If I actually ever feel like being with a man again…it will NOT be because I need him to take care of me…it will be cause I WANT him in my life…that he will bring out more of the light within me…not have me become this thing he tends to.
I want a man that wants more for me…for my of dreams to be accomplished...and the ability to achieve his own in the process...but I don't need this…for I am too busy accomplishing the dreams that I can on my own and with my family.
So please…stop fucking telling me I need a man…serious glitter bombing will follow.
If you really want to be my friend or give me good advise…tell me to do more of what makes me happy, encourage me to find my path, my voice and my meaning.
For that…is what will truly make me a Happy and full of Sunshine.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
MAKING THE COCKTAIL…
Cause sometimes you get thirsty!
Okay so this works great for when you are at a show and your friend is next to you with a full drink…preferably vodka…grab and extra cup and walk up to them…ask to borrow their cup and once in hand show them your other cup…give them both a little wave in the air. Squeeze the lime they have on the edge of their cup into their drink then put your empty cup on top…do a pretend shaker move…I say pretend to avoid spilling…if you feel like you got good suction then by all mean shake away. Always feel free to shake your booty while you shake your drink. Once you feel like you have gotten the effect across….evenly distribute the cocktail into the two glasses…and give them a cheers and say, “now that is how you make a great cocktail.” I usually smile very big as well and hope it works. (Buying the next round for your friend encourages this dance move to happen more frequently…and beer is never recommend.)
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Blog 118: An Open Letter to Mayor Ed “Suck It" Lee
Blog 118: An Open Letter to Mayor Ed “Suck It" Lee
(***Please note: The following Letter is more angry than I like to be. While I prefer to solve all my problems with solutions, sparkles and good thoughts…sometimes I got to be straight up honest…sometimes I just got to get it out…San Francisco is my best friend, it is my home, it is my life, it has my heart…no other place can you so purely be you or individuality so embraced…and to see my friend, wither and become sullen…angers me…this is simply me voicing my distain…and moving forward after.)
Dear Mr. Lee
I like to save these writings for my thoughts, giggles and inner inspirations….but lately Mr. Ed Lee…all I can think about is how much you suck.
I mean you are like the freaking “George Bush Jr” of mayors….you suck more than a crack-whore on the days the checks go out…seriously…step down, move to Tiburon and get the funk out of my city.
What the hell are you doing to San Francisco!
You have moved technology in and it is killing my city…man…didn’t your mama ever read you Nietzsche.
Everyone is tuning in and no one is tuning out. You walk down Market Street now and everyone has their noses buried in their cell phones, no one has color on and no one is smiling…originality is fleeting and $15 cocktails are a norm.
They are charging $3,000 a month for a studio in the Tenderloin!!!! I see crack being smoked over 20 times a day and people are suppose to pay $3,000 to see that and live in a closet size apartment. Eat horse shit Mr Lee.
Even my rent control apartment has gone up $50 bucks a month and will continue to do every year because they decided to keep the elevator up to code…they even took my security deposit away to put towards fixing up the building because of this new law Mayor Fuck Head put in…and now I have 4 feet of wood in my hallway…thanks…it was worth it!
Ed Lee…fuck you! (have I said that yet….)
Fuck your pretentious egotistical dumb ass…
You really know how fuck a city up…can you please resign and can we put Gavin Newsom back in office…please, please, please….Gavin we need you back…you are the Clinton of mayors and we miss you. Gavin put in social programs to ensure every child can go to college, that everyone have health care and inspired art in the city. (don’t forget the whole gay marriage action as well!)
You Mr. Lee are all about the rich, you better be careful though, push all the lower income peeps out…ain’t no one going to be able to shine you shoes…
It is like you have gone crazy…has no one ever taught you about balance, about patience, about flavor…if I see you…careful, I will “sparkle bitch slap” a mother fucker.
My city is loosing its parks, its music venues, the little hole in the wall places that make it unique. We are loosing our artists, our musicians and our tiny mom and pop shops…if you didn’t put in the sparkle-red bus/taxi lanes or rainbow crosswalks in the Castro…I would…I would…well let’s just say thank goodness for the sparkles and rainbows. (can we put the rainbow crosswalks in front of the tie-dye shop too…just saying…and you can’t ticket me for driving in the bus/taxi lane…it is my own personal princess-red-sparkle-carpet!)
But if you are going to add cool stuff like that to the city, make sure you got people working here that can stop and appreciate it.
Ed Lee, you are setting this city up for failure.
The rents are only going to go up, only the rich will remain…and those blessed in rent control apartments. I feel like the city is a ballon that the mayor is blowing up and he doesn’t know when to stop…and I am frightened by the “pop” that will come.
It’s like you want to do everything at the same time and not finish out a project and see how it will actually affect the city…like seriously, do all of the roads need to be under construction at once…have you heard of planning…of one thing at a time…this is California, smoke some freaking weed and chill out for a couple months…stop letting all these rich people in…we have enough here already…let some of the middle class people that have been here forever have a chance to move ahead instead of moving out…
You have made all these changes without thinking about the true outcome, or you just don’t give a fuck. Just cause you are going through a mid-life crisis doesn’t mean the city has to…The city can get up on it’s own…it doesn’t need your “viagra” antics…the city is a natural.
Figures your bitch-punk ass is not even from the city…pussy!
But it is cool Mr. Lee…cause see, the thing is…you underestimate my city and its people.
You forgot that while your reign is soon over, San Francisco ain’t going no where. This city has a tenacity, a force, a beat and a people that won’t let this city go.
My city has nine lives…we have survived earthquakes, riots and pain…and each time we come back stronger…with a fierce tenacity that is unstoppable.
And I also need to have faith in the new arrivals…that they will become San Francsicians and realize what an awesome city they got here…that it needs to be saved and not sold away.
More importantly…I ain’t going no where…Mr. Ed Lee, you are going to have to deal with me…and my glitter…and I will fight for my kingdom and its people that breathe a vitality into the city that need to be here.
We will fight…we will prevail…you will go grow old in the north bay.
The City must win…there is no other option…San Francisco is a true wonder of the world.
The world needs more places like San Francisco, not more Mayors like Ed Lee.
Word.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
HAILING THE CAB (this totally helps if you are looking for a friend in a crowd, just telling them you are the one with your hand going up and down in the air.)
Get your Stance on….feet shoulder width apart, maybe bend the knee a little bit…a little hip never hurt no one…cabbie in sight…hand up…wave it…wave it…put it down…cabbies if you have a ride…turn the light off.
Ohhhhhhh, hand up…town car in sight…and nooooo, check your phone and see how far the nearest Lyft Driver is…nope…it is prime time…search both streets…..hand up…a little more knee….oh, oh, oh…fish on...fish on...there is your friend.
(***Please note: The following Letter is more angry than I like to be. While I prefer to solve all my problems with solutions, sparkles and good thoughts…sometimes I got to be straight up honest…sometimes I just got to get it out…San Francisco is my best friend, it is my home, it is my life, it has my heart…no other place can you so purely be you or individuality so embraced…and to see my friend, wither and become sullen…angers me…this is simply me voicing my distain…and moving forward after.)
Dear Mr. Lee
I like to save these writings for my thoughts, giggles and inner inspirations….but lately Mr. Ed Lee…all I can think about is how much you suck.
I mean you are like the freaking “George Bush Jr” of mayors….you suck more than a crack-whore on the days the checks go out…seriously…step down, move to Tiburon and get the funk out of my city.
What the hell are you doing to San Francisco!
You have moved technology in and it is killing my city…man…didn’t your mama ever read you Nietzsche.
Everyone is tuning in and no one is tuning out. You walk down Market Street now and everyone has their noses buried in their cell phones, no one has color on and no one is smiling…originality is fleeting and $15 cocktails are a norm.
They are charging $3,000 a month for a studio in the Tenderloin!!!! I see crack being smoked over 20 times a day and people are suppose to pay $3,000 to see that and live in a closet size apartment. Eat horse shit Mr Lee.
Even my rent control apartment has gone up $50 bucks a month and will continue to do every year because they decided to keep the elevator up to code…they even took my security deposit away to put towards fixing up the building because of this new law Mayor Fuck Head put in…and now I have 4 feet of wood in my hallway…thanks…it was worth it!
Ed Lee…fuck you! (have I said that yet….)
Fuck your pretentious egotistical dumb ass…
You really know how fuck a city up…can you please resign and can we put Gavin Newsom back in office…please, please, please….Gavin we need you back…you are the Clinton of mayors and we miss you. Gavin put in social programs to ensure every child can go to college, that everyone have health care and inspired art in the city. (don’t forget the whole gay marriage action as well!)
You Mr. Lee are all about the rich, you better be careful though, push all the lower income peeps out…ain’t no one going to be able to shine you shoes…
It is like you have gone crazy…has no one ever taught you about balance, about patience, about flavor…if I see you…careful, I will “sparkle bitch slap” a mother fucker.
My city is loosing its parks, its music venues, the little hole in the wall places that make it unique. We are loosing our artists, our musicians and our tiny mom and pop shops…if you didn’t put in the sparkle-red bus/taxi lanes or rainbow crosswalks in the Castro…I would…I would…well let’s just say thank goodness for the sparkles and rainbows. (can we put the rainbow crosswalks in front of the tie-dye shop too…just saying…and you can’t ticket me for driving in the bus/taxi lane…it is my own personal princess-red-sparkle-carpet!)
But if you are going to add cool stuff like that to the city, make sure you got people working here that can stop and appreciate it.
Ed Lee, you are setting this city up for failure.
The rents are only going to go up, only the rich will remain…and those blessed in rent control apartments. I feel like the city is a ballon that the mayor is blowing up and he doesn’t know when to stop…and I am frightened by the “pop” that will come.
It’s like you want to do everything at the same time and not finish out a project and see how it will actually affect the city…like seriously, do all of the roads need to be under construction at once…have you heard of planning…of one thing at a time…this is California, smoke some freaking weed and chill out for a couple months…stop letting all these rich people in…we have enough here already…let some of the middle class people that have been here forever have a chance to move ahead instead of moving out…
You have made all these changes without thinking about the true outcome, or you just don’t give a fuck. Just cause you are going through a mid-life crisis doesn’t mean the city has to…The city can get up on it’s own…it doesn’t need your “viagra” antics…the city is a natural.
Figures your bitch-punk ass is not even from the city…pussy!
But it is cool Mr. Lee…cause see, the thing is…you underestimate my city and its people.
You forgot that while your reign is soon over, San Francisco ain’t going no where. This city has a tenacity, a force, a beat and a people that won’t let this city go.
My city has nine lives…we have survived earthquakes, riots and pain…and each time we come back stronger…with a fierce tenacity that is unstoppable.
And I also need to have faith in the new arrivals…that they will become San Francsicians and realize what an awesome city they got here…that it needs to be saved and not sold away.
More importantly…I ain’t going no where…Mr. Ed Lee, you are going to have to deal with me…and my glitter…and I will fight for my kingdom and its people that breathe a vitality into the city that need to be here.
We will fight…we will prevail…you will go grow old in the north bay.
The City must win…there is no other option…San Francisco is a true wonder of the world.
The world needs more places like San Francisco, not more Mayors like Ed Lee.
Word.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
HAILING THE CAB (this totally helps if you are looking for a friend in a crowd, just telling them you are the one with your hand going up and down in the air.)
Get your Stance on….feet shoulder width apart, maybe bend the knee a little bit…a little hip never hurt no one…cabbie in sight…hand up…wave it…wave it…put it down…cabbies if you have a ride…turn the light off.
Ohhhhhhh, hand up…town car in sight…and nooooo, check your phone and see how far the nearest Lyft Driver is…nope…it is prime time…search both streets…..hand up…a little more knee….oh, oh, oh…fish on...fish on...there is your friend.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Blog 117: The Yin & the Yang
Blog 117: The Yin & the Yang
Someone paid me a compliment a while back (I think)…how I am a independent women…self-sufficient…how I don’t need anyone to help me….how I should be proud…I responded with “There is a Yin to every Yang.”
For while it was a saying of praise, it was also a statement of some things I really need to work on within myself…I love being a bad ass bitch…yet sometimes I feel I lack a certain softness that I miss and I feel would help make me whole.
Let us be real..I do live a blessed life as a princess…I have an amazing family…a marvelous group of friends that are simply awesome people…A job where I get to wear what I want (glitter included!) am surrounded by rainbows and get to give back to my city….I have a rent controlled apartment downtown in the most expensive city to live in…and I know without a doubt that I am loved….to add to it, five years ago I was living with my parents working in the same place I had worked before I left home the first time…when I look back, I know I have come so far…I am amazed…and I have sparkled the whole damm time.
But I still cry, in fact I wail…I still have a hallow emptiness that engulfs me…a need to be loved that is never satisfied…a yearning for more…for freedom….for the light within me to hit the prism inside of me in just the right way…so I am truly beautiful.
I am Sunny…yet my sun still sets and my world is consumed by night and darkness…and on a cloudy evening, I cannot see the stars.
And one of my lessons I need to learn on this path to being a Queen is the Yin and the Yang.
The balance of the good and the bad.
The acceptance of the Path.
The more the moons pass the more air apparent it seems to me that the Yin makes way for the Yang.
The bleakness that comes from the concurrence of life, the lessons, the cavernous pits….makes the breathes and views at the top of the peaks that much more vivid…and surreal.
I give example of the back pain that I have written about in the past two blogs. It has changed my life…I have slowed, I have rested…it let me slip into somewhat of a depression…encompassed in pain…all I have wanted was to stay at home…ice my back and be with the one cat I had left.
And as my beloved feline that I have loved since college, slipped away into the afterlife this past week on my lap, in my arms…I felt eternal gratitude to my ailment…a soft…cosmic relief.
For it is what needed to happen in order for me to truly be at peace with my best friend’s passing.
I had the gift of being able to say a proper good-bye.
A thing I would have not been granted had my back been fine…this pain I have hated for so long…I now loved.
And in embracing this debilitating horror I have been dealing with…it has begun to ease itself in my mind…I know now…my time to heal has come…and while from time to time it might make me stay in or breathe and extra breath…there is a reason behind it I might not know till later…and I accept this notion.
For everything has a Yin and a Yang.
Nothing is perfect.
There will always be a crack, a flaw, an imperfection….and that is simply how life is suppose to be.
And as my life closes with my dear friend, I am acutely aware that another door has opened….I might not know where it leads for years to come….that is part of the mystery…the never ending white light that stands before me…
The eternal war with balance will take a lifetime to learn…maybe more….yet a notion I am willing to be schooled on.
It is my duty, in dealing with the sadness and the pain…to come back stronger than I was before…therefore the darkness will not have been in vain.
And my appreciation to the sun will let me bask in its light.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE SPARKLE SHUFFLE
Okay….so let me start off by saying…I might have a small (huge) addiction to glitter…(no one knew this already) and I am known for glitter bombing just about everything…including sidewalks…this is a dance explaining that ideal.
Please note: While I am not a fan of the “huge” specs of glitter, for getting the sidewalk it actually works better (not if you are trying to get it in wet cement, but it kills it on the dry)…you can see it better as well as it makes an odd “crushing” sound when people walk over it…so you can know someone is coming and surprise “glitter bomb” them with ease.
Alright…start with getting your glitter in your shaker and look both ways…there are rules to The Sparkle Shuffle…no glittering when babies are around, pets or open container of foods (we have to be somewhat respectable)…senior citizens are fair game….if the coast is 90% clear start your shake…make sure the wind is in your favor and keep on shaking…I usually add my ass to the shake…just because…cover all ground you need…once you think you have gotten it all…shake again…and shake again…you want to get every last drop out so slam the bottom of the glitter container with your hand as it is upside…one more shake…alright…stand back…oh man you are blinded by glitter…that means you did a good job…but don’t stop shaking your booty…never stop shaking the booty…and shuffle on!
Someone paid me a compliment a while back (I think)…how I am a independent women…self-sufficient…how I don’t need anyone to help me….how I should be proud…I responded with “There is a Yin to every Yang.”
For while it was a saying of praise, it was also a statement of some things I really need to work on within myself…I love being a bad ass bitch…yet sometimes I feel I lack a certain softness that I miss and I feel would help make me whole.
Let us be real..I do live a blessed life as a princess…I have an amazing family…a marvelous group of friends that are simply awesome people…A job where I get to wear what I want (glitter included!) am surrounded by rainbows and get to give back to my city….I have a rent controlled apartment downtown in the most expensive city to live in…and I know without a doubt that I am loved….to add to it, five years ago I was living with my parents working in the same place I had worked before I left home the first time…when I look back, I know I have come so far…I am amazed…and I have sparkled the whole damm time.
But I still cry, in fact I wail…I still have a hallow emptiness that engulfs me…a need to be loved that is never satisfied…a yearning for more…for freedom….for the light within me to hit the prism inside of me in just the right way…so I am truly beautiful.
I am Sunny…yet my sun still sets and my world is consumed by night and darkness…and on a cloudy evening, I cannot see the stars.
And one of my lessons I need to learn on this path to being a Queen is the Yin and the Yang.
The balance of the good and the bad.
The acceptance of the Path.
The more the moons pass the more air apparent it seems to me that the Yin makes way for the Yang.
The bleakness that comes from the concurrence of life, the lessons, the cavernous pits….makes the breathes and views at the top of the peaks that much more vivid…and surreal.
I give example of the back pain that I have written about in the past two blogs. It has changed my life…I have slowed, I have rested…it let me slip into somewhat of a depression…encompassed in pain…all I have wanted was to stay at home…ice my back and be with the one cat I had left.
And as my beloved feline that I have loved since college, slipped away into the afterlife this past week on my lap, in my arms…I felt eternal gratitude to my ailment…a soft…cosmic relief.
For it is what needed to happen in order for me to truly be at peace with my best friend’s passing.
I had the gift of being able to say a proper good-bye.
A thing I would have not been granted had my back been fine…this pain I have hated for so long…I now loved.
And in embracing this debilitating horror I have been dealing with…it has begun to ease itself in my mind…I know now…my time to heal has come…and while from time to time it might make me stay in or breathe and extra breath…there is a reason behind it I might not know till later…and I accept this notion.
For everything has a Yin and a Yang.
Nothing is perfect.
There will always be a crack, a flaw, an imperfection….and that is simply how life is suppose to be.
And as my life closes with my dear friend, I am acutely aware that another door has opened….I might not know where it leads for years to come….that is part of the mystery…the never ending white light that stands before me…
The eternal war with balance will take a lifetime to learn…maybe more….yet a notion I am willing to be schooled on.
It is my duty, in dealing with the sadness and the pain…to come back stronger than I was before…therefore the darkness will not have been in vain.
And my appreciation to the sun will let me bask in its light.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE SPARKLE SHUFFLE
Okay….so let me start off by saying…I might have a small (huge) addiction to glitter…(no one knew this already) and I am known for glitter bombing just about everything…including sidewalks…this is a dance explaining that ideal.
Please note: While I am not a fan of the “huge” specs of glitter, for getting the sidewalk it actually works better (not if you are trying to get it in wet cement, but it kills it on the dry)…you can see it better as well as it makes an odd “crushing” sound when people walk over it…so you can know someone is coming and surprise “glitter bomb” them with ease.
Alright…start with getting your glitter in your shaker and look both ways…there are rules to The Sparkle Shuffle…no glittering when babies are around, pets or open container of foods (we have to be somewhat respectable)…senior citizens are fair game….if the coast is 90% clear start your shake…make sure the wind is in your favor and keep on shaking…I usually add my ass to the shake…just because…cover all ground you need…once you think you have gotten it all…shake again…and shake again…you want to get every last drop out so slam the bottom of the glitter container with your hand as it is upside…one more shake…alright…stand back…oh man you are blinded by glitter…that means you did a good job…but don’t stop shaking your booty…never stop shaking the booty…and shuffle on!
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Blog 116: The Art of Surrendering...
Blog 116: The art of SURRENDERING
I have been quiet for some time….
One of the most vivid memories I have of the period of my life right after my divorce is when I was living at a friend’s house…I had just lost my relationship of ten years…I had lost my restaurant….I partied way to much…and I was covered in psoriasis from head to toe (If one does not know what psoriasis is…it is an auto-immune disease that leaves red/purple spots or crazy patches all over or in certain areas on your skin)
I was about 3 months into having it…
I remember sitting on my friend’s porch…watching the sunset…talking on the phone with my daddy…in fact I was wailing…I hated feeling so ugly and so hopeless about it.
It was at the point that it had taken metal control of me.
My father reminded me to “breathe” and then laid down the harsh reality that I may be like this for the rest of my life…that I had to deal…to SURRENDER to it all…to learn how to channel my light…to become okay with having this disease…
I remember crying in response…not wanting to give in, not wanting to succumb to feeling like a leper.
As the days continued I worked on breathing…I worked on taking care of myself…and I learned to let go….as the months transpired, I lost my house, I caved in and moved back to San Francisco into my parents house…I lost my car…
And I tried my hardest to simply be at peace with it all…to surrender.
And at last, my psoriasis subsided.
It would come back once more so far in my life when I was going through another stressful time.
I remembered the words my daddy had told me and it was only with me for three months not eight.
Today I am psoriasis free except for the back of my arms being red…which everyone gets on me about wearing sunscreen and I just let it go…and my heart-broken spot. (I have one spot on my upper right thigh that I have named this spot…after I broke up with a boyfriend it occurred and recently returned after the passing of my beloved cat…today I am acutely aware that when the spot subsides I am over the recent heart break as much as I can be…I wear my feelings on my skin.)
I am recalling this story today because I have been dealing with unyielding pain of my back for 3 months now…and it has started to affect me mentally…I feel trapped in this cocoon of inflicted misery…I yearn to be able to bend over…to function…I fear it will over take me…it will dull my soul from shinning.
I call it the “tooth pain” of my back…and at some point last week as a gimped to work across Webster Street and tears poured down my face…thoughts of SURRENDERING flashed through my soul, I saw myself years ago…sitting on that porch talking to my daddy…I swallowed the air deeply as the notion that I may be like this for the rest of my life abided and the realization of acceptance washed my being…tears transformed into breathes…but the pain did not yield nor subside…instead it howled in my mind like a werewolf to a blood moon.
Patience is a virtue and perseverance can be a bitch…and sometimes one must get past the pain…this ideal with that of surrendering flashed in my head the other day as I stretched myself to tears, cussing and moaning (God knows what my neighbors thought I was doing)…and when my mind told me to go no further…that it would hurt too much, I breathed and stretched some more. In a moment a felt a release…tingles shot up and down my leg and a feeling I had been missing returned to my foot…all of I sudden, while they burned so very far away…I could see the candle light’s of home, illuminating a road to recovery.
And while the hurt still wallows upon the horizon of my back…the darkness has lifted and the light has begun to peek out from the pillows of the night….granted the pain is still there, in fact I had to go to the hospital it was so bad… brooding in my being…clawing at my ability to smile, tearing down my feelings of hope. For a moment, I realized that while I might get better, I might not…I just might have awesome days, good days, bad days and horrific days.
I wish my back never had issue but I also realize that losing primary function and replacing it with constant infliction was a path I need to learn and comprehend. For some time I had been taking simple movement for granted…not truly understanding others that pain never granted mercy to….sometimes you can’t walk in another man’s shoes…so God gives you your own pair…and makes you amble until the lesson is learned.
I also have to learn to surrender to the fact that I can’t do it all. I need to rest and recover…for this battle is far from over…and just as I can’t party with certain drugs or eat certain foods to keep my psoriasis at bay, I must shift my life in certain ways to maintain the function of my body and my health. I have been overworking my body for years now…and it seems air apparent that it has caught up with me…I need to shift the way I live and labor…and make sure I am taking care of myself and my body. I need to give myself time to heal.
I had written previously that “Shift Happens” but I never scripted that it was easy. I know I need to surrender to this pain, not have it take over my being…Sometimes “Walking the Walk” is so fucking hard and painful…and is so much easier to just say.
As the days fade to weeks I will try my hardest to cope and Surrender…to find a peace to it all…a reason, a lesson…I will breathe…and hope, that the pain fades like the days.
And once I do accomplish this mission of surrender…there will be another right behind it.
For the art of the Surrendering is something we must deal with everyday.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE GIMP FIGURE EIGHT…
Have you ever been injured? But still need to dance…then this move is perfect for you! Start by finding the most comfortable position for you to stand in and bend your knees a little bitt…have your butt start to make a figure eight, and your upper body follow….if you are feeling good let your arms groove with you (not comfortable, hold on to the back of a bar stool) allow your head to get into the movement as well…and let the music take you away…the two great things about this dance move….no matter what you are going through you need to dance, and you are stretching out your back if you really get you hips into it…twofer dance move…I’d day so!
I have been quiet for some time….
One of the most vivid memories I have of the period of my life right after my divorce is when I was living at a friend’s house…I had just lost my relationship of ten years…I had lost my restaurant….I partied way to much…and I was covered in psoriasis from head to toe (If one does not know what psoriasis is…it is an auto-immune disease that leaves red/purple spots or crazy patches all over or in certain areas on your skin)
I was about 3 months into having it…
I remember sitting on my friend’s porch…watching the sunset…talking on the phone with my daddy…in fact I was wailing…I hated feeling so ugly and so hopeless about it.
It was at the point that it had taken metal control of me.
My father reminded me to “breathe” and then laid down the harsh reality that I may be like this for the rest of my life…that I had to deal…to SURRENDER to it all…to learn how to channel my light…to become okay with having this disease…
I remember crying in response…not wanting to give in, not wanting to succumb to feeling like a leper.
As the days continued I worked on breathing…I worked on taking care of myself…and I learned to let go….as the months transpired, I lost my house, I caved in and moved back to San Francisco into my parents house…I lost my car…
And I tried my hardest to simply be at peace with it all…to surrender.
And at last, my psoriasis subsided.
It would come back once more so far in my life when I was going through another stressful time.
I remembered the words my daddy had told me and it was only with me for three months not eight.
Today I am psoriasis free except for the back of my arms being red…which everyone gets on me about wearing sunscreen and I just let it go…and my heart-broken spot. (I have one spot on my upper right thigh that I have named this spot…after I broke up with a boyfriend it occurred and recently returned after the passing of my beloved cat…today I am acutely aware that when the spot subsides I am over the recent heart break as much as I can be…I wear my feelings on my skin.)
I am recalling this story today because I have been dealing with unyielding pain of my back for 3 months now…and it has started to affect me mentally…I feel trapped in this cocoon of inflicted misery…I yearn to be able to bend over…to function…I fear it will over take me…it will dull my soul from shinning.
I call it the “tooth pain” of my back…and at some point last week as a gimped to work across Webster Street and tears poured down my face…thoughts of SURRENDERING flashed through my soul, I saw myself years ago…sitting on that porch talking to my daddy…I swallowed the air deeply as the notion that I may be like this for the rest of my life abided and the realization of acceptance washed my being…tears transformed into breathes…but the pain did not yield nor subside…instead it howled in my mind like a werewolf to a blood moon.
Patience is a virtue and perseverance can be a bitch…and sometimes one must get past the pain…this ideal with that of surrendering flashed in my head the other day as I stretched myself to tears, cussing and moaning (God knows what my neighbors thought I was doing)…and when my mind told me to go no further…that it would hurt too much, I breathed and stretched some more. In a moment a felt a release…tingles shot up and down my leg and a feeling I had been missing returned to my foot…all of I sudden, while they burned so very far away…I could see the candle light’s of home, illuminating a road to recovery.
And while the hurt still wallows upon the horizon of my back…the darkness has lifted and the light has begun to peek out from the pillows of the night….granted the pain is still there, in fact I had to go to the hospital it was so bad… brooding in my being…clawing at my ability to smile, tearing down my feelings of hope. For a moment, I realized that while I might get better, I might not…I just might have awesome days, good days, bad days and horrific days.
I wish my back never had issue but I also realize that losing primary function and replacing it with constant infliction was a path I need to learn and comprehend. For some time I had been taking simple movement for granted…not truly understanding others that pain never granted mercy to….sometimes you can’t walk in another man’s shoes…so God gives you your own pair…and makes you amble until the lesson is learned.
I also have to learn to surrender to the fact that I can’t do it all. I need to rest and recover…for this battle is far from over…and just as I can’t party with certain drugs or eat certain foods to keep my psoriasis at bay, I must shift my life in certain ways to maintain the function of my body and my health. I have been overworking my body for years now…and it seems air apparent that it has caught up with me…I need to shift the way I live and labor…and make sure I am taking care of myself and my body. I need to give myself time to heal.
I had written previously that “Shift Happens” but I never scripted that it was easy. I know I need to surrender to this pain, not have it take over my being…Sometimes “Walking the Walk” is so fucking hard and painful…and is so much easier to just say.
As the days fade to weeks I will try my hardest to cope and Surrender…to find a peace to it all…a reason, a lesson…I will breathe…and hope, that the pain fades like the days.
And once I do accomplish this mission of surrender…there will be another right behind it.
For the art of the Surrendering is something we must deal with everyday.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE GIMP FIGURE EIGHT…
Have you ever been injured? But still need to dance…then this move is perfect for you! Start by finding the most comfortable position for you to stand in and bend your knees a little bitt…have your butt start to make a figure eight, and your upper body follow….if you are feeling good let your arms groove with you (not comfortable, hold on to the back of a bar stool) allow your head to get into the movement as well…and let the music take you away…the two great things about this dance move….no matter what you are going through you need to dance, and you are stretching out your back if you really get you hips into it…twofer dance move…I’d day so!
Monday, May 12, 2014
Blog 115: PAIN
Blog 115: PAIN
I have been in pain recently…it morphs and bends in all shapes
Whether it be the death of a dear pet, being caught in the cross-fires of an ego war, the torments of a dear friend breaking the moral code or the affliction in my lower back from an old Badminton injury diving for Shuttle-Cocks that has become somewhat debilitating at certain times…how I long to simply be able to put on my socks again and not have it take five freaking minutes!
Some sort of Pain has been on mind…It almost started to cloak my light.
As I walked to work today…I felt the discomfort in my back slice through my spine and almost stopped me in my tracks…I did not have the time to halt or complain….only saunter forward not able to miss a beat…I took deep breathes and let the irritation run through my body…forcing me to stride longer and more determined…I knew I must simply march.
Some have offered me a pill to take to calm the misery, but for me personally, I just can’t do that…they don’t agree with me…they do not brighten my beams…
I am a walk that shit out kinda girl……stretch that shit out kinda girl…a meditate the pain away kinda girl…I really am my father’s daughter in every sense of the word…he would tell me to go swim in the bay if anyone is wondering…and he does it without a wetsuit. (Now you know where the ding dong in me comes from)
Sitting here now, writing, is painful and I must keep writhing in my chair…but I must write…I need to…I can’t stop doing what I need to do cause it hurts…that just can’t be an option…and I got to do that shit right.
I can’t let my Pain get in the way of my Path.
There are times in life when we are crushed and debilitated….when pain has the ability to over take us…and we have a choice…
Do we act with Valor, Courage and Nobility?
Or do we give ourselves a hall pass on trying…succumbing to the agony and letting it break who we are…what we should be…
I must admit…sometimes the ache cripples me…sometimes it makes me take a knee…sometimes the hurt causes me to wail…sometimes it causes me to tremble.
But I will not let Pain be Victorious...
Whether it is Physical or Mental, Pain can be palatable most of the times if we channel it in the proper way...if we learn to cope...
If we force it to evolve into light.
I am reminded of a time…almost eleven years ago…Pain overtook my wrists and my ankles…causing me to go on disability at school and my medical bills to sky rocket. After months of test there was no definitive diagnosis…fed up with waiting to find out what was wrong…I changed my life….
Six months later I was 80 pounds lighter…and running almost everyday.
And that shit hurt like a mother-fucker!
Giving up Oreos hurt like a mother-fucker!
But it was the first time in my life I really felt like a strong ass bitch
The first time in life I truly understood my capabilities when my determination was at its peak.
Pain of some sort is with us everyday that we live…it is something we all share with each other.
It is in our time of torment and utter darkness that our actions show our true self.
I desire and hope that in my moments of devastating pain…
I rise up above them like the sun after a starless night.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
PUTTING ON THE SUNSCREEN…cause it is getting hot!
Start grooving…spread your arms out wide and give yourself a spin and really soak that sun up…(this dance move does not have to be done outside, you just might have to sell it more)…pull out from your pocket a pretend bottle…give it a feverish shake and open the cap with your teeth…making sure “gusto” is involved. Squirt some into your hand and start to rub it all over…get your face, your arms, behind your ears, your legs….man you put a lot in your hand…you might have to do a “fast hand movement” to randomly fling some off…getting your back is a bitch…you might have to ask someone for help….just smear the leftovers from your hand onto there’s…give them a dirty look back if they think that is weird…oh no…don’t let them put the sunscreen on you there!
I have been in pain recently…it morphs and bends in all shapes
Whether it be the death of a dear pet, being caught in the cross-fires of an ego war, the torments of a dear friend breaking the moral code or the affliction in my lower back from an old Badminton injury diving for Shuttle-Cocks that has become somewhat debilitating at certain times…how I long to simply be able to put on my socks again and not have it take five freaking minutes!
Some sort of Pain has been on mind…It almost started to cloak my light.
As I walked to work today…I felt the discomfort in my back slice through my spine and almost stopped me in my tracks…I did not have the time to halt or complain….only saunter forward not able to miss a beat…I took deep breathes and let the irritation run through my body…forcing me to stride longer and more determined…I knew I must simply march.
Some have offered me a pill to take to calm the misery, but for me personally, I just can’t do that…they don’t agree with me…they do not brighten my beams…
I am a walk that shit out kinda girl……stretch that shit out kinda girl…a meditate the pain away kinda girl…I really am my father’s daughter in every sense of the word…he would tell me to go swim in the bay if anyone is wondering…and he does it without a wetsuit. (Now you know where the ding dong in me comes from)
Sitting here now, writing, is painful and I must keep writhing in my chair…but I must write…I need to…I can’t stop doing what I need to do cause it hurts…that just can’t be an option…and I got to do that shit right.
I can’t let my Pain get in the way of my Path.
There are times in life when we are crushed and debilitated….when pain has the ability to over take us…and we have a choice…
Do we act with Valor, Courage and Nobility?
Or do we give ourselves a hall pass on trying…succumbing to the agony and letting it break who we are…what we should be…
I must admit…sometimes the ache cripples me…sometimes it makes me take a knee…sometimes the hurt causes me to wail…sometimes it causes me to tremble.
But I will not let Pain be Victorious...
Whether it is Physical or Mental, Pain can be palatable most of the times if we channel it in the proper way...if we learn to cope...
If we force it to evolve into light.
I am reminded of a time…almost eleven years ago…Pain overtook my wrists and my ankles…causing me to go on disability at school and my medical bills to sky rocket. After months of test there was no definitive diagnosis…fed up with waiting to find out what was wrong…I changed my life….
Six months later I was 80 pounds lighter…and running almost everyday.
And that shit hurt like a mother-fucker!
Giving up Oreos hurt like a mother-fucker!
But it was the first time in my life I really felt like a strong ass bitch
The first time in life I truly understood my capabilities when my determination was at its peak.
Pain of some sort is with us everyday that we live…it is something we all share with each other.
It is in our time of torment and utter darkness that our actions show our true self.
I desire and hope that in my moments of devastating pain…
I rise up above them like the sun after a starless night.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
PUTTING ON THE SUNSCREEN…cause it is getting hot!
Start grooving…spread your arms out wide and give yourself a spin and really soak that sun up…(this dance move does not have to be done outside, you just might have to sell it more)…pull out from your pocket a pretend bottle…give it a feverish shake and open the cap with your teeth…making sure “gusto” is involved. Squirt some into your hand and start to rub it all over…get your face, your arms, behind your ears, your legs….man you put a lot in your hand…you might have to do a “fast hand movement” to randomly fling some off…getting your back is a bitch…you might have to ask someone for help….just smear the leftovers from your hand onto there’s…give them a dirty look back if they think that is weird…oh no…don’t let them put the sunscreen on you there!
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Blog 114: I am a DIVA...
Blog 114: I am a Diva….
I am a Diva in case you didn’t know…I am actually a “Diva-Princess-Unicorn”….that being said, I feel like I have explained the me being a “Princess” thing quite well…and live up to my title…and I really don’t think that anyone can argue with the fact that I am a mythical creature that shits sparkles...totally.
But the Diva thing…I wasn’t sure of that at first…but now…wellllllllll…you just got to embrace yourself sometimes!
My friend is actually the person that called me a “Diva” at first…I looked at her in HORROR! I turned to my other friend with bewilderment and question in my eyes…her response…”After hearing you deal with the city on the phone for a week…..you are totally a Diva!”
(**Sunny Side Note**….have you ever dealt with the city to get them to fix something…let me tell you…it is asinine…you have to get transferred like 30 times…no one can help you…you have to file claims…which get sent to someone else…that being said…I know how to get shit done…it is part of being a proper Diva…I had the city remove the stumps i was bitching about in 2 WEEKS…if you have dealt with the city at all…you know that is record time…and I had to yell at a LOT of people…I also said “thank you so much” after each dealing with each person no matter how moronic the conversation was…and i got that shit handled.)
My friend, seeing the astronomic look on my face after her comment….explained herself…”It is not a bad thing Sunny…it is just you know what you want and you aren’t going to put up with anything else.”
Well after she explained it like that…I am totally a Diva!
I have to admit…it is something that has progressed with age…the older I get…the more acutely aware I become of what I like and what I dislike and how I like it done…that I don’t have the time or want to even bother with something that is not going to make me happy.
As the time passes…the more educated I become of the fact that I have to voice the essentials of my happiness…it really evaporates a lot of my lack of contentment.
Life is to short to not be upfront and honest about my needs.
I am not trying to be a bitch…I want to make people ecstatic…I desire to do good/noble things…
I am a true hearted person…I am sparkly and bubbly…
And I carry a Cork Screw…so don’t fuck with me.
Cause while I am all of those awesome things…
I ain’t going to have no one mess with me…
I ain’t going to to waste my time anymore…
No one will stray me from my path…
My vision is clear..and I am walking towards the light…
If I am not satisfied and joyful…it is impossible for me to shine my lumination on others.
I need to do what makes me happy so that I can be Sunny.
Thank goodness I am also a Princess/ Unicorn…it helps balance the Diva…acknowledging that if I am to have these rights…I must accept others wants and needs and give them both space and admission to be satisfied…and if that doesn’t flutter well with me…it doesn’t mean that we can’t co-exist…we just might need a little more space.
I have succumb to the belief that I have faults…and weakness…and so many more lessons to learn...and I pray…and truly hope that if there is a “Bitch” part to the me being a Diva…that I overcome that…that I check myself constantly and make sure it is not a objective/ material ideal but one of values and morals and a demand for a true way of life.
It is about finding what truly makes me happy and living it honestly, unabashed and raw…embracing me for being me.
And making sure I am smelling good and sparkly the whole damm time….
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
WALKING THE DOG (Two Person Dance Move)
Okay, first off…this dance move may be a little wrong…second, props really add to the effect.
One person is the Dog Walker the other is the Dog being walked…if the Dog Walker has a scarf to tie-around the Dog’s Neck so it looks like a leash…more awesome…the Dog needs to bend forward (there is no need to crawl on a floor…that is cross…you can still pull off the look hunched over pretty far)…now unless your dog is super well behaved…it is going to pull you around the dance floor…lick someone…pull some more…lift a leg up and pee on some peeps…lick someone else…pull….then right when you walk your dog to the front of the stage….The Dog sucks in their belly and arches their back and takes a big ole dump on the floor…than swipes its feet on the floor feverishly…if the Walker has a Plastic Bag…it really helps pull off the dance move…just saying.
I am a Diva in case you didn’t know…I am actually a “Diva-Princess-Unicorn”….that being said, I feel like I have explained the me being a “Princess” thing quite well…and live up to my title…and I really don’t think that anyone can argue with the fact that I am a mythical creature that shits sparkles...totally.
But the Diva thing…I wasn’t sure of that at first…but now…wellllllllll…you just got to embrace yourself sometimes!
My friend is actually the person that called me a “Diva” at first…I looked at her in HORROR! I turned to my other friend with bewilderment and question in my eyes…her response…”After hearing you deal with the city on the phone for a week…..you are totally a Diva!”
(**Sunny Side Note**….have you ever dealt with the city to get them to fix something…let me tell you…it is asinine…you have to get transferred like 30 times…no one can help you…you have to file claims…which get sent to someone else…that being said…I know how to get shit done…it is part of being a proper Diva…I had the city remove the stumps i was bitching about in 2 WEEKS…if you have dealt with the city at all…you know that is record time…and I had to yell at a LOT of people…I also said “thank you so much” after each dealing with each person no matter how moronic the conversation was…and i got that shit handled.)
My friend, seeing the astronomic look on my face after her comment….explained herself…”It is not a bad thing Sunny…it is just you know what you want and you aren’t going to put up with anything else.”
Well after she explained it like that…I am totally a Diva!
I have to admit…it is something that has progressed with age…the older I get…the more acutely aware I become of what I like and what I dislike and how I like it done…that I don’t have the time or want to even bother with something that is not going to make me happy.
As the time passes…the more educated I become of the fact that I have to voice the essentials of my happiness…it really evaporates a lot of my lack of contentment.
Life is to short to not be upfront and honest about my needs.
I am not trying to be a bitch…I want to make people ecstatic…I desire to do good/noble things…
I am a true hearted person…I am sparkly and bubbly…
And I carry a Cork Screw…so don’t fuck with me.
Cause while I am all of those awesome things…
I ain’t going to have no one mess with me…
I ain’t going to to waste my time anymore…
No one will stray me from my path…
My vision is clear..and I am walking towards the light…
If I am not satisfied and joyful…it is impossible for me to shine my lumination on others.
I need to do what makes me happy so that I can be Sunny.
Thank goodness I am also a Princess/ Unicorn…it helps balance the Diva…acknowledging that if I am to have these rights…I must accept others wants and needs and give them both space and admission to be satisfied…and if that doesn’t flutter well with me…it doesn’t mean that we can’t co-exist…we just might need a little more space.
I have succumb to the belief that I have faults…and weakness…and so many more lessons to learn...and I pray…and truly hope that if there is a “Bitch” part to the me being a Diva…that I overcome that…that I check myself constantly and make sure it is not a objective/ material ideal but one of values and morals and a demand for a true way of life.
It is about finding what truly makes me happy and living it honestly, unabashed and raw…embracing me for being me.
And making sure I am smelling good and sparkly the whole damm time….
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
WALKING THE DOG (Two Person Dance Move)
Okay, first off…this dance move may be a little wrong…second, props really add to the effect.
One person is the Dog Walker the other is the Dog being walked…if the Dog Walker has a scarf to tie-around the Dog’s Neck so it looks like a leash…more awesome…the Dog needs to bend forward (there is no need to crawl on a floor…that is cross…you can still pull off the look hunched over pretty far)…now unless your dog is super well behaved…it is going to pull you around the dance floor…lick someone…pull some more…lift a leg up and pee on some peeps…lick someone else…pull….then right when you walk your dog to the front of the stage….The Dog sucks in their belly and arches their back and takes a big ole dump on the floor…than swipes its feet on the floor feverishly…if the Walker has a Plastic Bag…it really helps pull off the dance move…just saying.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Blog 113: “Shift Happens”
Blog 113: “Shift Happens”
“Shift Happens”…is a saying my daddy has been preaching to me since I told him I was leaving my husband over five year ago.
“Shift Happens”...are my most revered couple of words to say…for many different reasons.
“Shift Happens”…is something I have to tell myself almost everyday in order to help me breathe through the rollercoaster I call life.
Cause let’s be honest…shift-motherfucking-happens…all the god damm time.
And we have to roll with it, and be okay with it…and figure out what move to take next in momentary seconds…
Sometimes “Shift Happens” in my life…and I don’t even realize it for a while…transitions circumnavigate in spirals around me…sometimes vanishing lucidity and clarity from my cognizance….leaving me in a state of ephemeral panic…and I freak out…and then I think of those words my daddy told me years ago…and I take a deep breathe…and another…and slowly I calm…relax…and keep transitioning.
Sometimes “Shift Happens” in my life…and it happens so fast it slaps me in the face and before the sting even dulls, I feel another and another (shit usually happens in threes) and by then I have been spun around in so many different directions I am dizzy and kinda nauseated….and I am lost…I have no idea of which way to stumble…it is in cases like this, I find there is only one way walk…Forward…cause “shift happens” and you got to keep on keeping on.
Sometimes “Shift Happens” in my life…and I need it to…yet at the moment of the shift…I am unaware of the necessity of its happening…and I freak the fuck out…(does this have something to do with the fact that I am a woman and crazy…highly possible)…and my emotions hit me in ungallant waves…and then it all starts to sink in…and I stop spazzing for a second…tilt my head. And go, “Oh wait… I totally need this…I am such a ding dong!”…ask anyone…I talk to myself all the time!
The older I get…the more I try to weather the storm more gracefully…but the whole being human and not perfect thing…and the hormones thing…kinda fuck my shift up sometimes.
I often have to stable myself with thoughts of my destiny…and its unknown finish line…acknowledging the advancement of its course….and having faith in my capabilities of a princess determined to one day be a Queen.
When “Shift Happens” sometimes, I forget how strong I fucking am. How much I can take…how the darkness and the pain only makes me brighter and more mighty…it is in these moments of “shift” I truly find my inner light…and I feel it radiate and beam from me…and warm my fears away…
When “Shift Happens” sometimes…I hear my daddy’s voice inside my head…his loving warmth, his endless strength, his healing energy…and I look shift dead in the eye and say “Let’s roll bitches!” and start dancing to my new beat…(another great example of me talking to myself…sheeesh…)
When “Shift Happens” sometimes…I begin the new journey and realize it is not the path I wish to take…so I shift…and walk another…knowing that “Forward” involves many directions.
Sometimes I get thrown a Shift cause of someone else’s bullshit…and I’m like “whatttttttt….are you serious”…toss Shift over my shoulder and go “Fuck that….”
That is something I have learned on my own…you can’t let anyone else but you…mess your shift up….you screw your shift up…you grow…you gain from your mistakes….but other peeps shift…they just knock you off your course….I have to remind myself about that shift all the time.
Your shift is your shift…and mine is mine.
Isn’t that what life is? Growing, Becoming, Learning, Embarking…..
And all that other shift…
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK:
THE SUNNYARENA (My version of the Macarena)
Yes this would totally be better if I had a camera…but “shit in one hand and want in the other…see which one fills up faster”…anyhoo…
Start with the knee swizzle…hitting your knees together…now add your hands when leaning over…crossing your hands over your knees when they hit making it look like you are switching your knees completely…now start to stand up and make a “thumbs up” notion with both hands…one at a time have them move outwards about four-five times each…now make just fists and have them go up and down…now while still doing that with your arms start doing the “running man” with your legs…now the final move is a dance move I believe is called the “African Ant Eater” from the 80’s movie Can’t Buy Me Love…put your arms up and squared out to your sides…square your knees out and start air humping with your lower core and hips….
Then repeat….
“Shift Happens”…is a saying my daddy has been preaching to me since I told him I was leaving my husband over five year ago.
“Shift Happens”...are my most revered couple of words to say…for many different reasons.
“Shift Happens”…is something I have to tell myself almost everyday in order to help me breathe through the rollercoaster I call life.
Cause let’s be honest…shift-motherfucking-happens…all the god damm time.
And we have to roll with it, and be okay with it…and figure out what move to take next in momentary seconds…
Sometimes “Shift Happens” in my life…and I don’t even realize it for a while…transitions circumnavigate in spirals around me…sometimes vanishing lucidity and clarity from my cognizance….leaving me in a state of ephemeral panic…and I freak out…and then I think of those words my daddy told me years ago…and I take a deep breathe…and another…and slowly I calm…relax…and keep transitioning.
Sometimes “Shift Happens” in my life…and it happens so fast it slaps me in the face and before the sting even dulls, I feel another and another (shit usually happens in threes) and by then I have been spun around in so many different directions I am dizzy and kinda nauseated….and I am lost…I have no idea of which way to stumble…it is in cases like this, I find there is only one way walk…Forward…cause “shift happens” and you got to keep on keeping on.
Sometimes “Shift Happens” in my life…and I need it to…yet at the moment of the shift…I am unaware of the necessity of its happening…and I freak the fuck out…(does this have something to do with the fact that I am a woman and crazy…highly possible)…and my emotions hit me in ungallant waves…and then it all starts to sink in…and I stop spazzing for a second…tilt my head. And go, “Oh wait… I totally need this…I am such a ding dong!”…ask anyone…I talk to myself all the time!
The older I get…the more I try to weather the storm more gracefully…but the whole being human and not perfect thing…and the hormones thing…kinda fuck my shift up sometimes.
I often have to stable myself with thoughts of my destiny…and its unknown finish line…acknowledging the advancement of its course….and having faith in my capabilities of a princess determined to one day be a Queen.
When “Shift Happens” sometimes, I forget how strong I fucking am. How much I can take…how the darkness and the pain only makes me brighter and more mighty…it is in these moments of “shift” I truly find my inner light…and I feel it radiate and beam from me…and warm my fears away…
When “Shift Happens” sometimes…I hear my daddy’s voice inside my head…his loving warmth, his endless strength, his healing energy…and I look shift dead in the eye and say “Let’s roll bitches!” and start dancing to my new beat…(another great example of me talking to myself…sheeesh…)
When “Shift Happens” sometimes…I begin the new journey and realize it is not the path I wish to take…so I shift…and walk another…knowing that “Forward” involves many directions.
Sometimes I get thrown a Shift cause of someone else’s bullshit…and I’m like “whatttttttt….are you serious”…toss Shift over my shoulder and go “Fuck that….”
That is something I have learned on my own…you can’t let anyone else but you…mess your shift up….you screw your shift up…you grow…you gain from your mistakes….but other peeps shift…they just knock you off your course….I have to remind myself about that shift all the time.
Your shift is your shift…and mine is mine.
Isn’t that what life is? Growing, Becoming, Learning, Embarking…..
And all that other shift…
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK:
THE SUNNYARENA (My version of the Macarena)
Yes this would totally be better if I had a camera…but “shit in one hand and want in the other…see which one fills up faster”…anyhoo…
Start with the knee swizzle…hitting your knees together…now add your hands when leaning over…crossing your hands over your knees when they hit making it look like you are switching your knees completely…now start to stand up and make a “thumbs up” notion with both hands…one at a time have them move outwards about four-five times each…now make just fists and have them go up and down…now while still doing that with your arms start doing the “running man” with your legs…now the final move is a dance move I believe is called the “African Ant Eater” from the 80’s movie Can’t Buy Me Love…put your arms up and squared out to your sides…square your knees out and start air humping with your lower core and hips….
Then repeat….
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Blog 112: She Walks these Hills in her Long Princess Dress…
Blog 112: She Walks these Hills in her Long Princess Dress…
Five years ago on a cold Eugene night
My husband came home and I gave him a fright
I told him I was done with the love that we share
His anger and his ways I could no longer bear
There were few in my life, I ever let know the pain
Never did I let anyone in, for I was quite vain.
Today I walk these hills in a Long Princess Dress
I walk with nobility, courage and a certain finesse
Nobody knows, nobody sees
Nobody realizes how far I have come, but me.
The years have flown by, yet my sorrow still lies
From the mistake of choosing a man’s dream over my own still abides
The anger in my mind makes me restless
And yet the heights I have reached leave me quite breathless
Sometimes at night, when the cold wind moans
In a Long Princess Dress, I wonder up and down Jones
I walk these hills in a Long Princess Dress
The feeling of liberty billows in my hair with sweet success
Nobody knows, nobody sees
Nobody realizes how far I have come, but me.
Once I left, I made a promise with the Lord
To live life to my own accord
To be the person I wish to be
And this journey, it has made me so free
Able to accept my destiny
And forge my own identity.
I roam these hills in a Long Princess Dress
The winds wail around me bringing me clarity to help me progress
Nobody knows, nobody sees
Nobody realizes how far I have come, but me.
Nobody knows, nobody sees
Nobody realizes how far I have come, but me.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE CAT RUB
(Dude the entire time I have been writing this blog my cat has been rubbing my computer…dude!)
All right…your at a show and you are grooving…sniff sniff…do you smell “Sour D”…perk your tail at attention and move slowly towards the D. When you see the person with said awesomeness turn your head to the side while staring into their eyes….hold their gaze for a brief second…then take your head and rub it all over their shoulder…you might even clench their forearm in the excitement…WHAT WHAT …did you accidently grab the joint in all the cat lovin…how did that happen….
Five years ago on a cold Eugene night
My husband came home and I gave him a fright
I told him I was done with the love that we share
His anger and his ways I could no longer bear
There were few in my life, I ever let know the pain
Never did I let anyone in, for I was quite vain.
Today I walk these hills in a Long Princess Dress
I walk with nobility, courage and a certain finesse
Nobody knows, nobody sees
Nobody realizes how far I have come, but me.
The years have flown by, yet my sorrow still lies
From the mistake of choosing a man’s dream over my own still abides
The anger in my mind makes me restless
And yet the heights I have reached leave me quite breathless
Sometimes at night, when the cold wind moans
In a Long Princess Dress, I wonder up and down Jones
I walk these hills in a Long Princess Dress
The feeling of liberty billows in my hair with sweet success
Nobody knows, nobody sees
Nobody realizes how far I have come, but me.
Once I left, I made a promise with the Lord
To live life to my own accord
To be the person I wish to be
And this journey, it has made me so free
Able to accept my destiny
And forge my own identity.
I roam these hills in a Long Princess Dress
The winds wail around me bringing me clarity to help me progress
Nobody knows, nobody sees
Nobody realizes how far I have come, but me.
Nobody knows, nobody sees
Nobody realizes how far I have come, but me.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE CAT RUB
(Dude the entire time I have been writing this blog my cat has been rubbing my computer…dude!)
All right…your at a show and you are grooving…sniff sniff…do you smell “Sour D”…perk your tail at attention and move slowly towards the D. When you see the person with said awesomeness turn your head to the side while staring into their eyes….hold their gaze for a brief second…then take your head and rub it all over their shoulder…you might even clench their forearm in the excitement…WHAT WHAT …did you accidently grab the joint in all the cat lovin…how did that happen….
Monday, November 25, 2013
Blog 111: So Many Roads (Lessons on my Path to being a Queen: Part III)
Blog 111: So Many Roads (Lessons on my Path to being a Queen: Part III)
The Lessons I have learned along this path before are Blogs 9 & 29…as well as the heart of most of the blogs I write.
I am acutely aware that I still have a vast mountain to climb before at last I can rest wearily upon my throne…I am no where near the summit…yet I still bask in the risen light…as I stumble blindly along the path, the paragons I have accepted throughout my journey bring me energy and a will of vitality.
I witness the years fly by like the parrots over Telegraph. As I forge towards my destiny I hold close the lessons that have ushered me to this night camp…to rest and reflect back on the metamorphism I have begun and the thoughts I wish to share…
(Please Note: I started to write this Blog and had to go back and make sure that instead of talking about everyone in general, I just talked about me, I need to use “I” more…for one of the many lessons I have learned…is one should only talk about one’s own feelings…for those are the ones we utter with truth.)
So here are more of my lessons, on my path, to being my Queen…
-There is no point in pretending that I know how shit is going to turn out…and if it does turn out the way I have always hoped....it lacks a certain satisfaction of the unknown and the mystery.
-Telling the truth is way less complex than lies…with so much going on in my life, being honest is so much more easier to recall….and short-term memory loss is totally an issue…
-Hanging out with myself is time that I cherish…The art of being by oneself and truly enjoying it is something I believe we should all master…there is a Zen & an elegance to solitude.
-Music heals all pain (Especially Donny Hathaway) but when it comes to matters of the heart…sometimes I just got to shop to dull the hurt.
-There is a joy in labor found…and we all have to work…so we might as well enjoy it!
-It will all work out, it always does…the way it was suppose to.
-My farts do smell bad…this lesson sucks…and stinks.
-The really really awesome shit that happens, usually comes from the biggest pile of shit…and if life was always brilliant, I would not see the contrast of the light and dark...and its divine simplicity.
-It is better to be kind than to be right. (trust me…swallow those mean words…and let the petty shit go…some stuff just is not worth the time and negative energy)
-I should drink more water…
-Alcohol and parting can cause miscommunications.
-It doesn’t matter who the fuck you are…you can be the greatest musician, a scientist, a server or a random person on the corner….ain’t no one is fucking better or should be treated any different than anyone else…and I will tell that straight to your face no matter who you are…
-That saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t, don’t say anything at all.” Is a really fucking hard rule to follow…but man if I do…no one can really say anything bad about me.
-The truth doesn’t always sound nice…but it feels fucking great to say..sometimes adding words like "totally" & "awesomeness" can dull the blow and help the understanding begin...totally.
-What is my truth, someone might not understand, revere its relevance or understand its valor…which is why the truth is mine and no one elses.
-In allowing a friend/family a mistake…I give acceptance for them to do the same to me.
-Forgiveness is sometimes a hard act to fufill…but helps focus my attention on things I should be focused on and not the silly stuff.
-Someone else’s problem with someone, has nothing the fuck to do with me or anyone else…that issue needs to stay between those peeps…and I need to stay away (Unless violence is going down…in which case…GLITTER BOMB to confuse everyone.)
-Money comes and goes, if I work my ass off and am a good person…shit will be all right.
-My Mom and Dad are right about shit 102% of the time.
-If I had the patience to let things unfold, I wouldn’t have to dream….just believe.
-Breathing helps a lot.
-Being self-conscious is stupid…I just need to rock that shit out.
-Talking in a calming manner is always crucial, people will listen better, and if I feel the need to yell…I just might want to leave. (Yelling is not attractive.)
-Being strong 24/7 is impossible.
-My eyes are the most green when I cry…I think they are the most beautiful then.
-When having an important talk…walking always helps…I am moving in a forward direction.
-I live a blessed a life…shit could be a hella lot worse….like what if I lived in Florida…yikes!
-Family is the most important thing in my life, whether it is the bond I form with my blood, my friends or within myself.
-Sacrifices have long-term benefits.
-Life can be short….so I need to trust my gut, believe in my feelings and don’t let a damm thing get in my way…grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
-I would not get anywhere if I did not try and give it all my effort.
-Risks can feel like jumping off a cliff….so make sure the water is deep enough, there are no rocks underneath and pray for a graceful landing and jump baby!
-Rainbows are awesome & so are you!
-Unicorns do exist (even if only in my mind…and if Noah had collected them like God had asked for in the "Arc Song" they would be running around playing their silly little games in plan sight!)
-Glitter makes almost anything look better…almost anything.
-Not everyone is as fond of glitter as I am….I am still really shocked by this.
-Dudes that don’t have an actual pillowcase or real sheet are not my cup of tea.
-Finding what you like is not about one being picky, but an inner honesty that we all should address…our ways and thoughts don’t necessary need to have reason…they might not be thought out….they just are what one finds comfort in…nothing really else matters.
-Tie-Dye is the shit. (Wearing rainbows encourages smiles!)
-I always make sure that those who helped pave my way are taken care of before I am…they have earned that right…so many people today forget respect for the ones that have come before you…that have helped us get to where we are…never forget!
-Some people I will never understand…and some people will never get me…I need to be nice and move on…Me being me (awesomeness) all the time is the only thing that can really change people’s pre-conceived notions…besides, who really gives a shit about what someone that doesn’t know you thinks.
-Procrastination is my greatest fault…as I think about what I really regret…it is the time I did not spend in action, trying to move my dreams forward.
-I change and evolve everyday…I must have hope and faith that everyone is on the same path to righteousness…our roads are all many, simply not all the same.
-The goal to everyday should be AWESOMENESS…to fulfill it to ever part of its meaning and capacity…one is able to do that through seeing the good in the bad…the sparkle in the muted, the color in the gray…the root of being awesomeness lies within the understanding that we and everything in its own right is AWESOME.
-To be happy is both a hard and easy thing…it is what I should concentrate the most on…for when I am truly happy I am floored at the power of my light.
-A smile can break down a thousand walls.
-If I never get to being a Queen…it is cool…cause my Road is the most beautiful road for me.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE ELEPHANT
All right in all honesty I have no idea why it took me so freaking long to think of this dance move, must have been the “Arc” line.
Now this dance move is mostly for stealing joints and bumping butts!
Start by raising your right arm and having it extend from you nose…take you left arm behind you and make a small “swooshing” tail. Start to walk forward tossing your butt from side to side and walking in a stumbling fashion (people may think you are loaded, shocking…but in reality you are clearing a path for the peeps behind you.) Stretch your neck out and really let your arm/trunk fly….stamp your feet, shake your head and turn into a “sassy” elephant for a second…then with your trunk grab a joint that is about to passed and start smoking it…if the person gives you shit…turn back into “sassy” elephant and toke it down!
The Lessons I have learned along this path before are Blogs 9 & 29…as well as the heart of most of the blogs I write.
I am acutely aware that I still have a vast mountain to climb before at last I can rest wearily upon my throne…I am no where near the summit…yet I still bask in the risen light…as I stumble blindly along the path, the paragons I have accepted throughout my journey bring me energy and a will of vitality.
I witness the years fly by like the parrots over Telegraph. As I forge towards my destiny I hold close the lessons that have ushered me to this night camp…to rest and reflect back on the metamorphism I have begun and the thoughts I wish to share…
(Please Note: I started to write this Blog and had to go back and make sure that instead of talking about everyone in general, I just talked about me, I need to use “I” more…for one of the many lessons I have learned…is one should only talk about one’s own feelings…for those are the ones we utter with truth.)
So here are more of my lessons, on my path, to being my Queen…
-There is no point in pretending that I know how shit is going to turn out…and if it does turn out the way I have always hoped....it lacks a certain satisfaction of the unknown and the mystery.
-Telling the truth is way less complex than lies…with so much going on in my life, being honest is so much more easier to recall….and short-term memory loss is totally an issue…
-Hanging out with myself is time that I cherish…The art of being by oneself and truly enjoying it is something I believe we should all master…there is a Zen & an elegance to solitude.
-Music heals all pain (Especially Donny Hathaway) but when it comes to matters of the heart…sometimes I just got to shop to dull the hurt.
-There is a joy in labor found…and we all have to work…so we might as well enjoy it!
-It will all work out, it always does…the way it was suppose to.
-My farts do smell bad…this lesson sucks…and stinks.
-The really really awesome shit that happens, usually comes from the biggest pile of shit…and if life was always brilliant, I would not see the contrast of the light and dark...and its divine simplicity.
-It is better to be kind than to be right. (trust me…swallow those mean words…and let the petty shit go…some stuff just is not worth the time and negative energy)
-I should drink more water…
-Alcohol and parting can cause miscommunications.
-It doesn’t matter who the fuck you are…you can be the greatest musician, a scientist, a server or a random person on the corner….ain’t no one is fucking better or should be treated any different than anyone else…and I will tell that straight to your face no matter who you are…
-That saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t, don’t say anything at all.” Is a really fucking hard rule to follow…but man if I do…no one can really say anything bad about me.
-The truth doesn’t always sound nice…but it feels fucking great to say..sometimes adding words like "totally" & "awesomeness" can dull the blow and help the understanding begin...totally.
-What is my truth, someone might not understand, revere its relevance or understand its valor…which is why the truth is mine and no one elses.
-In allowing a friend/family a mistake…I give acceptance for them to do the same to me.
-Forgiveness is sometimes a hard act to fufill…but helps focus my attention on things I should be focused on and not the silly stuff.
-Someone else’s problem with someone, has nothing the fuck to do with me or anyone else…that issue needs to stay between those peeps…and I need to stay away (Unless violence is going down…in which case…GLITTER BOMB to confuse everyone.)
-Money comes and goes, if I work my ass off and am a good person…shit will be all right.
-My Mom and Dad are right about shit 102% of the time.
-If I had the patience to let things unfold, I wouldn’t have to dream….just believe.
-Breathing helps a lot.
-Being self-conscious is stupid…I just need to rock that shit out.
-Talking in a calming manner is always crucial, people will listen better, and if I feel the need to yell…I just might want to leave. (Yelling is not attractive.)
-Being strong 24/7 is impossible.
-My eyes are the most green when I cry…I think they are the most beautiful then.
-When having an important talk…walking always helps…I am moving in a forward direction.
-I live a blessed a life…shit could be a hella lot worse….like what if I lived in Florida…yikes!
-Family is the most important thing in my life, whether it is the bond I form with my blood, my friends or within myself.
-Sacrifices have long-term benefits.
-Life can be short….so I need to trust my gut, believe in my feelings and don’t let a damm thing get in my way…grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
-I would not get anywhere if I did not try and give it all my effort.
-Risks can feel like jumping off a cliff….so make sure the water is deep enough, there are no rocks underneath and pray for a graceful landing and jump baby!
-Rainbows are awesome & so are you!
-Unicorns do exist (even if only in my mind…and if Noah had collected them like God had asked for in the "Arc Song" they would be running around playing their silly little games in plan sight!)
-Glitter makes almost anything look better…almost anything.
-Not everyone is as fond of glitter as I am….I am still really shocked by this.
-Dudes that don’t have an actual pillowcase or real sheet are not my cup of tea.
-Finding what you like is not about one being picky, but an inner honesty that we all should address…our ways and thoughts don’t necessary need to have reason…they might not be thought out….they just are what one finds comfort in…nothing really else matters.
-Tie-Dye is the shit. (Wearing rainbows encourages smiles!)
-I always make sure that those who helped pave my way are taken care of before I am…they have earned that right…so many people today forget respect for the ones that have come before you…that have helped us get to where we are…never forget!
-Some people I will never understand…and some people will never get me…I need to be nice and move on…Me being me (awesomeness) all the time is the only thing that can really change people’s pre-conceived notions…besides, who really gives a shit about what someone that doesn’t know you thinks.
-Procrastination is my greatest fault…as I think about what I really regret…it is the time I did not spend in action, trying to move my dreams forward.
-I change and evolve everyday…I must have hope and faith that everyone is on the same path to righteousness…our roads are all many, simply not all the same.
-The goal to everyday should be AWESOMENESS…to fulfill it to ever part of its meaning and capacity…one is able to do that through seeing the good in the bad…the sparkle in the muted, the color in the gray…the root of being awesomeness lies within the understanding that we and everything in its own right is AWESOME.
-To be happy is both a hard and easy thing…it is what I should concentrate the most on…for when I am truly happy I am floored at the power of my light.
-A smile can break down a thousand walls.
-If I never get to being a Queen…it is cool…cause my Road is the most beautiful road for me.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE ELEPHANT
All right in all honesty I have no idea why it took me so freaking long to think of this dance move, must have been the “Arc” line.
Now this dance move is mostly for stealing joints and bumping butts!
Start by raising your right arm and having it extend from you nose…take you left arm behind you and make a small “swooshing” tail. Start to walk forward tossing your butt from side to side and walking in a stumbling fashion (people may think you are loaded, shocking…but in reality you are clearing a path for the peeps behind you.) Stretch your neck out and really let your arm/trunk fly….stamp your feet, shake your head and turn into a “sassy” elephant for a second…then with your trunk grab a joint that is about to passed and start smoking it…if the person gives you shit…turn back into “sassy” elephant and toke it down!
Friday, October 11, 2013
Blog 110: Dealing with being Horny (Love Tales Part VII)
Blog 110: Dealing with being Horny (Love Tales Part VII)
(Love Tales Parts I-V are blogs 10, 17, 35, 47, 60 & 89…they are some of my most scariest to write…i try to keep my heart blocked off from so many people…it is one of the reasons I write my diaries…so that I cannot hide behind the hurt.)
Well…some months ago I wrote about “puma-ing that shit up” and how I would save dealing with being horny for another day…
And let me tell you…I am one hell of a Puma!
I also wrote that I was ready for a relationship…and low and behold…I had a short lived one…that had some really awesome moments and some seriously Telemundo like moments and the whole thing left me not only hurt but mad at myself for not listening to my gut.
It made me think…
“I can’t believe I actually humped that dude!”
In fact when I look back at the three men that I have had relationships with since I left my husband I think I have the, “I can’t believe I actually humped that dude” thought with all of them…yikes!
This was not a good realization…my choice in men suck!
I need to fix is problem…asap!
So ever since the dissolution of the short lived soap opera of a union…I have been striving to grapple with me being horny…because in all honesty…being horny is way easier than coping with being hurt and made to feel like a fool.
I try to convince myself that I can just have sex with a man…and have no feelings…but in good faith I know it not to be true…while it is not always love…it is something…something I can’t put words to…something that lingers.
These notions loitering on my soul of thought may be the reasons attributed to the brokenness of my heart that I laminated about in my last love tale.
Instead of putting blame on others, maybe it was I…my shortcoming with putting less worth on myself than I was owed…my lust overpowering my thought.
The yearning to be loved.
The unquenchable action of touch.
It is a hard addiction to break.
Sometimes I miss being caressed…but my heart is stronger than it has been of late…and my focus on the greater path more in tune.
To be quite honest…I have not been on sabbatical…I am human…I have needs…and while I am “dealing with being horny” that by no means acknowledges that the issue has been dealt with.
But I am totally making the effort….98% of the time.
I am trying to take my time with boys…because I am worth the wait, and the effort…and the dinner(s)…just saying…
And I really, really, really, really, really, REALLY do not want to have that, “I can’t believe I actually humped that dude!” thought in my mind again…it is really not good for my self worth.
I don’t have time to deal with being hurt…it way fucks up all the awesome shit I got going on for me right now…I can’t waist my time on shit that stands in the way of my destiny…I am a motherfucking princess…
Damm…I thought I had realized this shit about myself…self-evolvement is intense!
Phewwwwwwww….
But I must continually better myself if I am to walk my path that has been set in motion.
Cause this has nothing to do with me being a princess…it is about me being a motherfucking Queen.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE UNICORN (This Dance move requires a Fist full of Glitter)
You wanna start by putting your pointer and middle finger together and on top of your head making a horn, put you right hand which is full of glitter behind your back. Start to gallop around and shake your head from side to side…prance up to a friend, lift your leg and let the glitter fly down between your legs…who is a glitter shitting unicorn…you are!
(Love Tales Parts I-V are blogs 10, 17, 35, 47, 60 & 89…they are some of my most scariest to write…i try to keep my heart blocked off from so many people…it is one of the reasons I write my diaries…so that I cannot hide behind the hurt.)
Well…some months ago I wrote about “puma-ing that shit up” and how I would save dealing with being horny for another day…
And let me tell you…I am one hell of a Puma!
I also wrote that I was ready for a relationship…and low and behold…I had a short lived one…that had some really awesome moments and some seriously Telemundo like moments and the whole thing left me not only hurt but mad at myself for not listening to my gut.
It made me think…
“I can’t believe I actually humped that dude!”
In fact when I look back at the three men that I have had relationships with since I left my husband I think I have the, “I can’t believe I actually humped that dude” thought with all of them…yikes!
This was not a good realization…my choice in men suck!
I need to fix is problem…asap!
So ever since the dissolution of the short lived soap opera of a union…I have been striving to grapple with me being horny…because in all honesty…being horny is way easier than coping with being hurt and made to feel like a fool.
I try to convince myself that I can just have sex with a man…and have no feelings…but in good faith I know it not to be true…while it is not always love…it is something…something I can’t put words to…something that lingers.
These notions loitering on my soul of thought may be the reasons attributed to the brokenness of my heart that I laminated about in my last love tale.
Instead of putting blame on others, maybe it was I…my shortcoming with putting less worth on myself than I was owed…my lust overpowering my thought.
The yearning to be loved.
The unquenchable action of touch.
It is a hard addiction to break.
Sometimes I miss being caressed…but my heart is stronger than it has been of late…and my focus on the greater path more in tune.
To be quite honest…I have not been on sabbatical…I am human…I have needs…and while I am “dealing with being horny” that by no means acknowledges that the issue has been dealt with.
But I am totally making the effort….98% of the time.
I am trying to take my time with boys…because I am worth the wait, and the effort…and the dinner(s)…just saying…
And I really, really, really, really, really, REALLY do not want to have that, “I can’t believe I actually humped that dude!” thought in my mind again…it is really not good for my self worth.
I don’t have time to deal with being hurt…it way fucks up all the awesome shit I got going on for me right now…I can’t waist my time on shit that stands in the way of my destiny…I am a motherfucking princess…
Damm…I thought I had realized this shit about myself…self-evolvement is intense!
Phewwwwwwww….
But I must continually better myself if I am to walk my path that has been set in motion.
Cause this has nothing to do with me being a princess…it is about me being a motherfucking Queen.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE UNICORN (This Dance move requires a Fist full of Glitter)
You wanna start by putting your pointer and middle finger together and on top of your head making a horn, put you right hand which is full of glitter behind your back. Start to gallop around and shake your head from side to side…prance up to a friend, lift your leg and let the glitter fly down between your legs…who is a glitter shitting unicorn…you are!
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Blog 109: Through this World of Trouble (Walking the Walk Part IV)
Blog 109: Through this World of Trouble (Walking the Walk Part IV)
Walking the Walk, Parts I, II & III are Blogs 26, 56 & 86…They are some of my favorites that I hold very close…here we go again…
“This world is not our home…We're only passing through…Our trail is all made up…Way beyond the blue …Let us do the very best that we can…While we're travelin' through this land…We can all be together, shakin' a hand…When we make it to the promised land…If we walk together, little children…We don't ever have to worry…Through this world of trouble…We gotta love one another”
One of my bosses once told me that FAMILY is like an Ant Hill…we all have our Role, our Part…and it is our job to carry four times our weight and work twice as hard for everyone else until the day we die…
Sometimes I forget…that it is not just me…that it is all of us…
Last month…I called a lot of friends out…”You need to work harder…You can’t talk to people all bitchy like, you have to find a way to communicate…We have to act accordingly, no matter how the other person is behaving…You have to stay true to your role, you can not falter cause it is easy…You need to change your attitude…”
And so forth and so forth.
Then in the middle of my frustration, I remembered what my other boss always says…
“When you point a finger at someone…you got three pointing back at yourself!”
My eyes wandered towards my heart, I took a heavy sigh and slapped myself upside the head. (Please note: If you are like a certain princess and are still dealing with the ramifications of a head injury, slapping oneself upside the head is not necessarily the best idea…I totally had to take a time out…it could be I just really wanted to smoke a bowl…it is up for grabs, totally…anyhoo…)
For while I was elegant and put forth only good intentions towards my ramblings and laments to my friends…was I only Talking the Talk…was I truly Walking the Walk…and if I am going to preach baby preach…I better have some action behind that shit.
If I am going to say that I am family, that I am a princess, that I am deserving of good…then I need not simply spew ideals with a judgmental glare…I need to strut righteously towards the light and never look back.
“Our bible reads…Thou shall not be afraid…Of the terror by night…Nor the arrow that flies by day…Nor for the pestilence…That waiteth in the darkness…Nor for the destruction…That waiteth in the noon-day hour…If we walk together, little children…We don't ever have to worry…”
Who am I to cast the first stone…I do not possess perfection…I am with sin…to get mad or angry or frustrated at a friend because they are not acting the way I want them to act…is me being a hypocrite…cause God knows, my actions don’t make everyone happy…But I do what I need to do…for me…
The only thing that I can ask of anyone…is the only thing they can ask of me…
To have good intentions…to be positive…to have an open-mind…to not judge…to simply be good…and through this world of trouble we have to love one another…
For we are all in this together…and if I am to understand this action correctly…It won’t be the Promise Land till we are ALL THERE.
FAMILY is about love, compromise, forgiveness, being the better person, caring, selflessness and the deep routed belief of… “Yes we can!”
Instead of me calling people out…I need to just act accordingly…for my actions define me…not the words that are coming out of mouth.
I need to remember what the true “goal” is…
“We can all be together, forever and ever…When we make it to the Promised Land…”
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
The CAT TOY
So my friend might have gotten my cats some toys…totally.
Start this dance move by getting your groove on…when you are ready focus in on a point on the dance floor…arch your back…start moving your butt back and forth super fast…then spring five feet forward bringing both hands together….smell your hands…look around feverishly…then start to run around the dance floor batting an imaginary toy between both hands…after about two minutes…stop your hands…look around for the lost ball…no luck…ratford!...time to start chasing your tail!
Walking the Walk, Parts I, II & III are Blogs 26, 56 & 86…They are some of my favorites that I hold very close…here we go again…
“This world is not our home…We're only passing through…Our trail is all made up…Way beyond the blue …Let us do the very best that we can…While we're travelin' through this land…We can all be together, shakin' a hand…When we make it to the promised land…If we walk together, little children…We don't ever have to worry…Through this world of trouble…We gotta love one another”
One of my bosses once told me that FAMILY is like an Ant Hill…we all have our Role, our Part…and it is our job to carry four times our weight and work twice as hard for everyone else until the day we die…
Sometimes I forget…that it is not just me…that it is all of us…
Last month…I called a lot of friends out…”You need to work harder…You can’t talk to people all bitchy like, you have to find a way to communicate…We have to act accordingly, no matter how the other person is behaving…You have to stay true to your role, you can not falter cause it is easy…You need to change your attitude…”
And so forth and so forth.
Then in the middle of my frustration, I remembered what my other boss always says…
“When you point a finger at someone…you got three pointing back at yourself!”
My eyes wandered towards my heart, I took a heavy sigh and slapped myself upside the head. (Please note: If you are like a certain princess and are still dealing with the ramifications of a head injury, slapping oneself upside the head is not necessarily the best idea…I totally had to take a time out…it could be I just really wanted to smoke a bowl…it is up for grabs, totally…anyhoo…)
For while I was elegant and put forth only good intentions towards my ramblings and laments to my friends…was I only Talking the Talk…was I truly Walking the Walk…and if I am going to preach baby preach…I better have some action behind that shit.
If I am going to say that I am family, that I am a princess, that I am deserving of good…then I need not simply spew ideals with a judgmental glare…I need to strut righteously towards the light and never look back.
“Our bible reads…Thou shall not be afraid…Of the terror by night…Nor the arrow that flies by day…Nor for the pestilence…That waiteth in the darkness…Nor for the destruction…That waiteth in the noon-day hour…If we walk together, little children…We don't ever have to worry…”
Who am I to cast the first stone…I do not possess perfection…I am with sin…to get mad or angry or frustrated at a friend because they are not acting the way I want them to act…is me being a hypocrite…cause God knows, my actions don’t make everyone happy…But I do what I need to do…for me…
The only thing that I can ask of anyone…is the only thing they can ask of me…
To have good intentions…to be positive…to have an open-mind…to not judge…to simply be good…and through this world of trouble we have to love one another…
For we are all in this together…and if I am to understand this action correctly…It won’t be the Promise Land till we are ALL THERE.
FAMILY is about love, compromise, forgiveness, being the better person, caring, selflessness and the deep routed belief of… “Yes we can!”
Instead of me calling people out…I need to just act accordingly…for my actions define me…not the words that are coming out of mouth.
I need to remember what the true “goal” is…
“We can all be together, forever and ever…When we make it to the Promised Land…”
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
The CAT TOY
So my friend might have gotten my cats some toys…totally.
Start this dance move by getting your groove on…when you are ready focus in on a point on the dance floor…arch your back…start moving your butt back and forth super fast…then spring five feet forward bringing both hands together….smell your hands…look around feverishly…then start to run around the dance floor batting an imaginary toy between both hands…after about two minutes…stop your hands…look around for the lost ball…no luck…ratford!...time to start chasing your tail!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Blog 108: MY HAIGHT STREET (Jammin Chronicles-Part V/To Be San Franciscan-Part II)
Blog 108: My Haight Street (Jammin Chronicles-Part V/To Be San Franciscan-Part II)
My Jammin Chronicles Parts I-IV are blogs 81, 84, 91 & 102…my first “To Be San Franciscan” Blog is 88…what is up with two blogs in one…deal with peeps, sometimes worlds collide.
I found it fitting to write this blog today…this week…
As a native San Franciscan….there are certain places around the city that make memories swirl in my head and my heart swell with pride…Golden Gate Park (Shakespeare Garden for that super intense feelings,) Ocean Beach, Sutro Baths, that park by my second High School 3 blocks north of California and Broderick…and Haight Street.
Haight Street was the first place in San Francisco I could go at a young age and entertain myself…it is the first place a smoked pot…it is where I found my style…went for a trip...it is where I met my first boyfriend.
(***PRINCESS SIDE NOTE*** Haight Street is where my first rule of boyfriends was created… “Don’t ever go out with a dude you met on Haight Street.”…Ladies…to be specific…if the dude Lives on Haight Street…and I mean actually lives on the street itself…Don’t do it…that shit will cost you a lot of money and grief and he will not smell good…I learned that at a very young age…don’t make my same mistakes…oh my poor parents.)
For me…as a teenager who did not have a lot of friends and didn’t really fit in…I felt at home on Haight Street…until Jerry Died…then everything changed.
While I still hung out from time to time…I switched my focus to the park…cause with our Shinning Star gone…a bleak-ness took over the street.
The sparkle had drifted, becoming lack-luster in mourning… “gone where the days we stopped to decided…where we would go…we just ride….”
When I left to go to college…I wouldn’t come back to visit Haight Street…it was still depressing…and had a “hardness” to it… I simply could not phathom where it came from.
When I moved back 12 years later…I still never sauntered down to the street…it seemed like a waste of time…like I was taking those awesome memories and laughing in their face.
Then I a little over a year ago…my friend bought the store on MY corner of Haight and Masonic. (I say he is my friend with great pride now…but the truth is, when he bought the store, he was just some guy who I was introduced to from my ex-boyfriend, who the first time I hung with I ate way to many cookies…I was hungry!...and passed out in front of a door…not slick on my part at all)…I didn’t know this dude very well at all…but the first day of the store I was there…not for him…but for the little girl that used to hang out right there (I am pointing)…for what that corner made her feel, believe and inspire to be.
And that is why this Princess works where she works…and why I am now not just the Princess of the Tenderloin…but the Princess of Haight Street as well.
It is my company’s mission to revitalize Haight Street to what it used to be and can be…so that one can come down to this historical mecca and really feel the inspiration…the beat…the flavor…the rainbows…the stimulation. And as a woman who has seen Haight Street at its darkest moments…I feel the vibrancy running back into the street’s veins…the pillars of Haight see it too…if I may quote Mom, “Since you all got the store, a new life is back, a joy…you can feel it…you can see it…thank you!” (She said this with tears and pride in her eyes.)
And the little girl inside me knows it to…she sees it in the children she sparkles, in the people that look up and drop their jaw at the breathing ceiling, that join her hoola hooping on the street, as the bubbles she blows make people’s eyes wander amaze, the passer byers she startles with Foxy Monster Hats…or entertains many with crazy gluing money to the street for hours of cheap thrills and giggles.
As I walk in any direction from the store and see the glitter on the street…I know I have left my mark on Haight Street…and my mark fucking sparkles bitches!!!!
Be warned…don’t mess with my corner….I will dump party cups full of glitter on you, and don’t try to tell me you have been here since 98…cause child…I have been at this intersection since 92…boooshhhhhhh.
That is why I come to Haight Street six to seven days a week…yeah, it has to do with the money, with my friends, with the fact that I got to…but the real underlining factor…is that this is my City…San Francisco is my Home, and who the fuck am I to be calling myself a Princess of any part of this place if I ain’t fucking giving back.
If I am not making it better kingdom…Who am I? I have a name to live up to…as well as we have a legacy to carry on…another prank to accomplish….
I also do it for that awkward red-headed teenager that didn’t know where the fuck to go, what the fuck to do …who didn’t know whom or what to believe…I do it for the lost young me…to remind her that she can do whatever she wants to do…be the person she wishes to be…that she has a destiny.
It is funny…sometimes when don’t know what direction to go…you just got to wander your hot ass Home…and find the “you” you wished to be.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK:
THE CONDUCTOR.
Some people…whom could I be talking about…like to conduct the music at shows…so for this dance, all you got to do is head up to the front…make sure everyone in the band has a good view…put your arms up and start conducting…letting each player know when to play, to silence, to lift…to carry…point to each one, go all crazy at some point…arms flaying in the air…after all this is your music…and your show…conduct that shit.
My Jammin Chronicles Parts I-IV are blogs 81, 84, 91 & 102…my first “To Be San Franciscan” Blog is 88…what is up with two blogs in one…deal with peeps, sometimes worlds collide.
I found it fitting to write this blog today…this week…
As a native San Franciscan….there are certain places around the city that make memories swirl in my head and my heart swell with pride…Golden Gate Park (Shakespeare Garden for that super intense feelings,) Ocean Beach, Sutro Baths, that park by my second High School 3 blocks north of California and Broderick…and Haight Street.
Haight Street was the first place in San Francisco I could go at a young age and entertain myself…it is the first place a smoked pot…it is where I found my style…went for a trip...it is where I met my first boyfriend.
(***PRINCESS SIDE NOTE*** Haight Street is where my first rule of boyfriends was created… “Don’t ever go out with a dude you met on Haight Street.”…Ladies…to be specific…if the dude Lives on Haight Street…and I mean actually lives on the street itself…Don’t do it…that shit will cost you a lot of money and grief and he will not smell good…I learned that at a very young age…don’t make my same mistakes…oh my poor parents.)
For me…as a teenager who did not have a lot of friends and didn’t really fit in…I felt at home on Haight Street…until Jerry Died…then everything changed.
While I still hung out from time to time…I switched my focus to the park…cause with our Shinning Star gone…a bleak-ness took over the street.
The sparkle had drifted, becoming lack-luster in mourning… “gone where the days we stopped to decided…where we would go…we just ride….”
When I left to go to college…I wouldn’t come back to visit Haight Street…it was still depressing…and had a “hardness” to it… I simply could not phathom where it came from.
When I moved back 12 years later…I still never sauntered down to the street…it seemed like a waste of time…like I was taking those awesome memories and laughing in their face.
Then I a little over a year ago…my friend bought the store on MY corner of Haight and Masonic. (I say he is my friend with great pride now…but the truth is, when he bought the store, he was just some guy who I was introduced to from my ex-boyfriend, who the first time I hung with I ate way to many cookies…I was hungry!...and passed out in front of a door…not slick on my part at all)…I didn’t know this dude very well at all…but the first day of the store I was there…not for him…but for the little girl that used to hang out right there (I am pointing)…for what that corner made her feel, believe and inspire to be.
And that is why this Princess works where she works…and why I am now not just the Princess of the Tenderloin…but the Princess of Haight Street as well.
It is my company’s mission to revitalize Haight Street to what it used to be and can be…so that one can come down to this historical mecca and really feel the inspiration…the beat…the flavor…the rainbows…the stimulation. And as a woman who has seen Haight Street at its darkest moments…I feel the vibrancy running back into the street’s veins…the pillars of Haight see it too…if I may quote Mom, “Since you all got the store, a new life is back, a joy…you can feel it…you can see it…thank you!” (She said this with tears and pride in her eyes.)
And the little girl inside me knows it to…she sees it in the children she sparkles, in the people that look up and drop their jaw at the breathing ceiling, that join her hoola hooping on the street, as the bubbles she blows make people’s eyes wander amaze, the passer byers she startles with Foxy Monster Hats…or entertains many with crazy gluing money to the street for hours of cheap thrills and giggles.
As I walk in any direction from the store and see the glitter on the street…I know I have left my mark on Haight Street…and my mark fucking sparkles bitches!!!!
Be warned…don’t mess with my corner….I will dump party cups full of glitter on you, and don’t try to tell me you have been here since 98…cause child…I have been at this intersection since 92…boooshhhhhhh.
That is why I come to Haight Street six to seven days a week…yeah, it has to do with the money, with my friends, with the fact that I got to…but the real underlining factor…is that this is my City…San Francisco is my Home, and who the fuck am I to be calling myself a Princess of any part of this place if I ain’t fucking giving back.
If I am not making it better kingdom…Who am I? I have a name to live up to…as well as we have a legacy to carry on…another prank to accomplish….
I also do it for that awkward red-headed teenager that didn’t know where the fuck to go, what the fuck to do …who didn’t know whom or what to believe…I do it for the lost young me…to remind her that she can do whatever she wants to do…be the person she wishes to be…that she has a destiny.
It is funny…sometimes when don’t know what direction to go…you just got to wander your hot ass Home…and find the “you” you wished to be.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK:
THE CONDUCTOR.
Some people…whom could I be talking about…like to conduct the music at shows…so for this dance, all you got to do is head up to the front…make sure everyone in the band has a good view…put your arms up and start conducting…letting each player know when to play, to silence, to lift…to carry…point to each one, go all crazy at some point…arms flaying in the air…after all this is your music…and your show…conduct that shit.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Blog 107: Patience
Blog 107: PATIENCE
The ideal of Patience has been running around my head as of late…I have been yearning to write this blog for some time…but I have been so busy…it started to frustrate me…my lack of solitude and rest…my need to have the ability to focus eloquently…sometimes you just got to wait that shit out…
My dictionary says the definition of Patience is:
“Calm endurance of hardship…Tolerant perseverance…The capacity for calm self-possessed waiting…”
As I stare down at the word PATIENCE in the dictionary and admire the words that match it’s meaning…what draws me close to the word is the strength attached to such a delicate script. While it seems soft and quiet as letters lined together…it’s meaning holds power and reverence as well as leads to calmness and serenity.
As a Princess…it is everything I hope to be.
What a powerful virtue Patience is.
As my birthday passed and I move into what I believe is my holy year of 33…I ponder my missions I hope to accomplish…things I wish to change…the person I hope to be…the shedding of the still bound cocoon of self-doubt that has not allowed me to be truly free or acutely me.
Patience, forbearance, fortitude…self-controlled submission is my wish for this year.
The ability to let the breath complete its journey.
To surrender and believe what shall be…will be.
Giving myself true tenacity and faith in the outcome.
I feel like patience and faith go hand in hand.
To have the complete trust and confidence that everything happens for a reason…
As I get older I have realized that the things that I don’t have to wait out, the things that come easy and require no determination are the things that let me down…that bring no real satisfaction….
Yet the things I strive for over time…that I don’t settle for…that for so long, I simply gaze in admiration for…with a baited breath of fortitude…that take years of work….and bring me to tears of longing from time to time…are the things that not only quench my thirst once finally accomplished…but are also the ignition to my fire of inspiration.
If I lack patience…I am void of my ability to see the whole picture…I become so zeroed in one aspect…that what I have conviction is the answer, I am blind to see is only the question.
Sometimes my mind moves so fast and it just wants and wants and wants…I don’t give it enough room to ponder what it needs…how my wants might actually be inner battles I should face…to make space for potential in need of a place to roam.
After all…I have always been more of a walker than a runner…maybe it is required I teach my desires that pace as well.
So this year I will be the best Princess that I can be…and simply follow that creed.
And remind myself constantly that I can’t see it all…but it will unfold…one day at a time.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE HAIR SLICK…
(***Princess views***…while this is the dance move of the week, may I on a personal note say that I do not believe in men having hard hair…I have a saying, “If the hair is crusty or greasy…so is the dude”…but a dance move is a dance move no less.)
All right…so start grooving…now pull out your hair gel…go old school and use the one that comes in a little jar (you can wash it out and use it for your nuggets when it is empty…twofer!)…unscrew the lid…go three fingers deep in that action…and rub your hand together…make sure you get the goo moving…now take both hands and slick back your hair on each side at least three times, really following the curve of your head…give yourself a finger comb on the top and a little “pouted lip affect” for an added bonus and keep grooving down…you might need to wash your hands afterwards…just saying.
The ideal of Patience has been running around my head as of late…I have been yearning to write this blog for some time…but I have been so busy…it started to frustrate me…my lack of solitude and rest…my need to have the ability to focus eloquently…sometimes you just got to wait that shit out…
My dictionary says the definition of Patience is:
“Calm endurance of hardship…Tolerant perseverance…The capacity for calm self-possessed waiting…”
As I stare down at the word PATIENCE in the dictionary and admire the words that match it’s meaning…what draws me close to the word is the strength attached to such a delicate script. While it seems soft and quiet as letters lined together…it’s meaning holds power and reverence as well as leads to calmness and serenity.
As a Princess…it is everything I hope to be.
What a powerful virtue Patience is.
As my birthday passed and I move into what I believe is my holy year of 33…I ponder my missions I hope to accomplish…things I wish to change…the person I hope to be…the shedding of the still bound cocoon of self-doubt that has not allowed me to be truly free or acutely me.
Patience, forbearance, fortitude…self-controlled submission is my wish for this year.
The ability to let the breath complete its journey.
To surrender and believe what shall be…will be.
Giving myself true tenacity and faith in the outcome.
I feel like patience and faith go hand in hand.
To have the complete trust and confidence that everything happens for a reason…
As I get older I have realized that the things that I don’t have to wait out, the things that come easy and require no determination are the things that let me down…that bring no real satisfaction….
Yet the things I strive for over time…that I don’t settle for…that for so long, I simply gaze in admiration for…with a baited breath of fortitude…that take years of work….and bring me to tears of longing from time to time…are the things that not only quench my thirst once finally accomplished…but are also the ignition to my fire of inspiration.
If I lack patience…I am void of my ability to see the whole picture…I become so zeroed in one aspect…that what I have conviction is the answer, I am blind to see is only the question.
Sometimes my mind moves so fast and it just wants and wants and wants…I don’t give it enough room to ponder what it needs…how my wants might actually be inner battles I should face…to make space for potential in need of a place to roam.
After all…I have always been more of a walker than a runner…maybe it is required I teach my desires that pace as well.
So this year I will be the best Princess that I can be…and simply follow that creed.
And remind myself constantly that I can’t see it all…but it will unfold…one day at a time.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE HAIR SLICK…
(***Princess views***…while this is the dance move of the week, may I on a personal note say that I do not believe in men having hard hair…I have a saying, “If the hair is crusty or greasy…so is the dude”…but a dance move is a dance move no less.)
All right…so start grooving…now pull out your hair gel…go old school and use the one that comes in a little jar (you can wash it out and use it for your nuggets when it is empty…twofer!)…unscrew the lid…go three fingers deep in that action…and rub your hand together…make sure you get the goo moving…now take both hands and slick back your hair on each side at least three times, really following the curve of your head…give yourself a finger comb on the top and a little “pouted lip affect” for an added bonus and keep grooving down…you might need to wash your hands afterwards…just saying.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Blog 106: Online Dating...Yikes! (Dating Diaries Part IV)
Blog 106: Online Dating...Yikes! (Dating Diaries Part IV)
Dating Diaries Part 1-3 are Blogs 7, 24 & 72.
Who doesn’t want to be loved, who doesn’t want to be held, and caressed, to have someone whisper in your ear how much you are adored…who doesn’t want a hand to hold, a shoulder to rest a tired head…an arm one can nuzzle underneath and feel warm and safe…who doesn’t want to be loved?
But having these feeling cannot be forced.
For a long time I took a time-out from dating, I focused on work and just enjoyed being with my friends and by myself…but a run in with an old lover made me want to get out there again and meet new people.
So I went out on a rendezvous with a man that had been calling me for a month…it was the worst night of my life…his car was so fancy I was scared of opening and closing the door…he took me to a Maroon 5 concert (my ears were mad a me for like two weeks) and oh…he confessed to me on the car ride home that he was still married and him and his wife still live together…when I got home, I simply sat and put my head in my hands and came to the realization that if I was going to date…I was going to need some help.
I asked my friends, family & colleges what I should do…90% of them said I should try Online dating…which I have never been a fan off…it just seemed unnatural, not real, a waste of my time…yet a friend offered to pay for it just so I would try, another compared it to shopping…and I REALLY like to shop…so hell, I thought why not…besides Jazzfest was coming up and I needed something new to fill up my time and not think about the fact that I wasn’t there.
So I became an Online Dater.
I made my profile, which I kept very short, honest and to the point. It spoke of how I was awesome, sparkled, believed in unicorns and smelled good. (I did not require myself to inscribe a five page novel like others had on the site)…then I started to answer questions that confused the fuck out of me and had no relevance to anything I believed to be important in dating.
I was skeptical at first to meet anyone, and it took about two weeks for me to build up the nerve to actually go on a date. I get so weirded out by dudes…one went on and on about finding parking for the date…after the third message about finding good parking I just stopped responding…if he was going to fret so much about that shit…hell no…I finally settled on meeting a gentleman for a walk around the block…so I could plan as many escape routes as possible. He turned out to be an awesome person…not in the meaning that we would flutter well together, but simply he was a good guy…his dog was even cooler! I am a sucker for a cute pup.
Having broken my online dating cherry, I tried to get comfortable in my shopping shoes…I went out on about 12 dates in a 2 ½ week period.
I went out with two different Bulgarians, I don’t think I had ever met a Bulgarian before, one attempted to tongue plunger my mouth when it came time to kiss…I wonder how my esophagus tastes? I met a man with the Largest Nose I have ever seen….I could not concentrate on a thing he said…I kept thinking about whether the nose would be a good or a bad thing if he was going down on me…after day dreaming through two questions from him I realized I simply had to leave the date…but my curiosity still lingers. One day I sandwiched two dates in, both were so depressing I contemplated the need for a disappearing cape, and they both took a form of a pill during meal time which they did not explain and I am still inquisitive about. Another date had that “dead tooth in the mouth” kinda breathe…ewwwwwwwwwww….did I not mention the importance of smelling good?
All this dating left me tired, a couple pounds heavier and frustrated.
Yup…this Online dating thing…is NOT for this princess.
(I actually think the whole “dating” thing is not for me…but that is another blog in its entirety.)
I did like that I got to meet a different kind of man than I was accustomed to meeting…I needed that…that was the good part of Online Dating.
The Bad part of Online Dating for me…was how it felt forced.
When I was Online I would rate a man by his pictures, how tall he was, how he came across in a written self-summary of what he thought was important, not what I give relevance to…I would look at him and judge.
That is not me in person.
In person I could give a shit about how tall you are, what you look like…I want to know how you smell, if you can talk to a woman of my magnitude with ease, how you move, your smile, the gleam in the corner of your eye…how your light emanates from your being…that is what first attracts me to a man…not pictures someone picks out that they think represents them…I like to submerge myself into someone in the raw…the real them…not this fake name with a sterile image.
Besides, I don’t have time to waste on a man that might not smell good.
I don’t even know if I want a relationship right now…I am a busy bitch…I definitely don’t want to squander my precious time…I spent way to many years married to a man that simply made me feel bad about being me…I don’t know if I am capable of the surrender of my heart again…I just know if it is suppose to happen, it will happen.
And more importantly, I am not lonely…I have a lot of love in my life, and I can get laid…I don’t want to push love on myself…I want it to grow naturally, organically, when I am ready….when it is presented in the right light…not because I feel it is something that I have to do…
And I need not waste my time on that action, I have really important stuff I have to do…I have people to sparkle, bubbles to blow, buttwalks to hike & friends to love…I need to keep my priorities straight…and simply let what is going to occur….befall upon me…and have faith in the outcome.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE BLOW UP NOODLE MAN DANCE
(I have been waiting for sometime to do this dance)
All right, have you ever gone by those Car Sale Lots and seen the dude in front that they have the wind blowing into that looks like noodles…yup this is that dance.
Stick your feet & knees together and spread your arms out wide…keeping your feet and knees still, wobble your thighs up from side to side and front to back letting your self kinda do a flop-half-nod kinda thing…or as I like to say, “Noodle Man Dance that shit up!”
Dating Diaries Part 1-3 are Blogs 7, 24 & 72.
Who doesn’t want to be loved, who doesn’t want to be held, and caressed, to have someone whisper in your ear how much you are adored…who doesn’t want a hand to hold, a shoulder to rest a tired head…an arm one can nuzzle underneath and feel warm and safe…who doesn’t want to be loved?
But having these feeling cannot be forced.
For a long time I took a time-out from dating, I focused on work and just enjoyed being with my friends and by myself…but a run in with an old lover made me want to get out there again and meet new people.
So I went out on a rendezvous with a man that had been calling me for a month…it was the worst night of my life…his car was so fancy I was scared of opening and closing the door…he took me to a Maroon 5 concert (my ears were mad a me for like two weeks) and oh…he confessed to me on the car ride home that he was still married and him and his wife still live together…when I got home, I simply sat and put my head in my hands and came to the realization that if I was going to date…I was going to need some help.
I asked my friends, family & colleges what I should do…90% of them said I should try Online dating…which I have never been a fan off…it just seemed unnatural, not real, a waste of my time…yet a friend offered to pay for it just so I would try, another compared it to shopping…and I REALLY like to shop…so hell, I thought why not…besides Jazzfest was coming up and I needed something new to fill up my time and not think about the fact that I wasn’t there.
So I became an Online Dater.
I made my profile, which I kept very short, honest and to the point. It spoke of how I was awesome, sparkled, believed in unicorns and smelled good. (I did not require myself to inscribe a five page novel like others had on the site)…then I started to answer questions that confused the fuck out of me and had no relevance to anything I believed to be important in dating.
I was skeptical at first to meet anyone, and it took about two weeks for me to build up the nerve to actually go on a date. I get so weirded out by dudes…one went on and on about finding parking for the date…after the third message about finding good parking I just stopped responding…if he was going to fret so much about that shit…hell no…I finally settled on meeting a gentleman for a walk around the block…so I could plan as many escape routes as possible. He turned out to be an awesome person…not in the meaning that we would flutter well together, but simply he was a good guy…his dog was even cooler! I am a sucker for a cute pup.
Having broken my online dating cherry, I tried to get comfortable in my shopping shoes…I went out on about 12 dates in a 2 ½ week period.
I went out with two different Bulgarians, I don’t think I had ever met a Bulgarian before, one attempted to tongue plunger my mouth when it came time to kiss…I wonder how my esophagus tastes? I met a man with the Largest Nose I have ever seen….I could not concentrate on a thing he said…I kept thinking about whether the nose would be a good or a bad thing if he was going down on me…after day dreaming through two questions from him I realized I simply had to leave the date…but my curiosity still lingers. One day I sandwiched two dates in, both were so depressing I contemplated the need for a disappearing cape, and they both took a form of a pill during meal time which they did not explain and I am still inquisitive about. Another date had that “dead tooth in the mouth” kinda breathe…ewwwwwwwwwww….did I not mention the importance of smelling good?
All this dating left me tired, a couple pounds heavier and frustrated.
Yup…this Online dating thing…is NOT for this princess.
(I actually think the whole “dating” thing is not for me…but that is another blog in its entirety.)
I did like that I got to meet a different kind of man than I was accustomed to meeting…I needed that…that was the good part of Online Dating.
The Bad part of Online Dating for me…was how it felt forced.
When I was Online I would rate a man by his pictures, how tall he was, how he came across in a written self-summary of what he thought was important, not what I give relevance to…I would look at him and judge.
That is not me in person.
In person I could give a shit about how tall you are, what you look like…I want to know how you smell, if you can talk to a woman of my magnitude with ease, how you move, your smile, the gleam in the corner of your eye…how your light emanates from your being…that is what first attracts me to a man…not pictures someone picks out that they think represents them…I like to submerge myself into someone in the raw…the real them…not this fake name with a sterile image.
Besides, I don’t have time to waste on a man that might not smell good.
I don’t even know if I want a relationship right now…I am a busy bitch…I definitely don’t want to squander my precious time…I spent way to many years married to a man that simply made me feel bad about being me…I don’t know if I am capable of the surrender of my heart again…I just know if it is suppose to happen, it will happen.
And more importantly, I am not lonely…I have a lot of love in my life, and I can get laid…I don’t want to push love on myself…I want it to grow naturally, organically, when I am ready….when it is presented in the right light…not because I feel it is something that I have to do…
And I need not waste my time on that action, I have really important stuff I have to do…I have people to sparkle, bubbles to blow, buttwalks to hike & friends to love…I need to keep my priorities straight…and simply let what is going to occur….befall upon me…and have faith in the outcome.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE BLOW UP NOODLE MAN DANCE
(I have been waiting for sometime to do this dance)
All right, have you ever gone by those Car Sale Lots and seen the dude in front that they have the wind blowing into that looks like noodles…yup this is that dance.
Stick your feet & knees together and spread your arms out wide…keeping your feet and knees still, wobble your thighs up from side to side and front to back letting your self kinda do a flop-half-nod kinda thing…or as I like to say, “Noodle Man Dance that shit up!”
Friday, April 19, 2013
Blog 105: “Change Comes from Within” (Looking in the Mirror, Part I)
Blog 105: “Change Comes from Within” (Looking in the Mirror, Part I)
“I'm Gonna Make A Change, For Once In My Life…
It's Gonna Feel Real Good, Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .”
A couple months ago my bosses took me out to dinner…as we walked through crack central we got the usual spare change action…unlike myself, who ambled through not looking up or paying attention, one of my bosses slowed his saunter, looked an asking beggar in the eye…and said the words… “Change Comes from Within.”
I figured he had some serious nuts…but damm…I had no idea they were that big!
Cause what can anyone really say to that…that was some heavy truth that spilled out of his mouth…if I was hiding a crack rock in my mouth that line would have made me sallow it for sure…just saying.
For the truth can make you gulp for a big breath of air.
What I really like about “Change Comes from Within” is that is does not just refer to the figure against the wall with their hand out…it is some advice that we all need scream at ourselves in the mirror.
Everyday…all the time…it is the only way to self-satisfaction.
There are numerous things in this life that make us unhappy or doubtful or weak and the only possible way to fix anything that brings us sorrow or feelings of lacked potential is the effort we make within ourselves.
It is somewhat comical how True Change usually is the result of loss, sorry, and intense humbling….or totally making an ass out of yourself…that one always makes you think…
We can all sit around being pissed and angry with tears rolling down our cheeks…or we can Stand and Walk and Be better people…push ourselves to work harder, to make more efforts, to believe in the good, to come to terms with what we distain about ourselves…and emanate positivity.
No matter what it is in our life that we disagree with, we have the power to change it all.
We just have got to have enough guts to do it.
When you put that kind of responsibility on yourself…and you fulfill your intentions with true action…you inspire others to better themselves…to have faith in the powers we hold within.
And in holding oneself accountable for the gift of change we become more empathetic to other’s faults and short comings…for we have battled wars of the same or different sorts inside ourselves as well…we know how fierce the fight can be…how pillaging of energy the effort is…how sometimes hope can seem so bleak…
How seeing others accomplish their goals ignites a fire of belief.
Change comes from within…no matter what we are not content with…it starts with us.
You don’t like it that someone doesn’t work…or put forth what you think is a good enough effort…work fucking harder…accomplish more for yourself…inspire them…or become to busy to even worry about it.
You don’t like how someone is treating you or someone else…make sure you are nice as fuck to everybody…times 11…go that extra mile for people you don’t even know….cause being good to one another encourages others to be good, even if it never reaches who you want it to reach…it will…there is a ripple…
You don’t like how you look…go stand in front of the looking glass and slap yourself a couple times…cause you have got to believe that you are the shit!
***Changing yourself within is the simple act of Karma coming to Actuality.***
Changing yourself to be the best You that You can be…
Is all the change you need.
“…I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And Then Make A Change…”
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK:
DADDY IS MAD
First you have got to put on you “Daddy is Mad face”…give it a stern look with some tight eyes and one side of your lips ripped back…now hear something…put your hand to you ear so you can catch it all (nothing gets past daddy!) Take two steps forward and start to shake your finger and yell…now take two more steps forward and SPANK SPANK!...cause you know that daddy will spank you if you make him mad!
*** Added moves to the dance include smelling the hand after spanking and/or putting baby powder on the hand before spanking…
“I'm Gonna Make A Change, For Once In My Life…
It's Gonna Feel Real Good, Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .”
A couple months ago my bosses took me out to dinner…as we walked through crack central we got the usual spare change action…unlike myself, who ambled through not looking up or paying attention, one of my bosses slowed his saunter, looked an asking beggar in the eye…and said the words… “Change Comes from Within.”
I figured he had some serious nuts…but damm…I had no idea they were that big!
Cause what can anyone really say to that…that was some heavy truth that spilled out of his mouth…if I was hiding a crack rock in my mouth that line would have made me sallow it for sure…just saying.
For the truth can make you gulp for a big breath of air.
What I really like about “Change Comes from Within” is that is does not just refer to the figure against the wall with their hand out…it is some advice that we all need scream at ourselves in the mirror.
Everyday…all the time…it is the only way to self-satisfaction.
There are numerous things in this life that make us unhappy or doubtful or weak and the only possible way to fix anything that brings us sorrow or feelings of lacked potential is the effort we make within ourselves.
It is somewhat comical how True Change usually is the result of loss, sorry, and intense humbling….or totally making an ass out of yourself…that one always makes you think…
We can all sit around being pissed and angry with tears rolling down our cheeks…or we can Stand and Walk and Be better people…push ourselves to work harder, to make more efforts, to believe in the good, to come to terms with what we distain about ourselves…and emanate positivity.
No matter what it is in our life that we disagree with, we have the power to change it all.
We just have got to have enough guts to do it.
When you put that kind of responsibility on yourself…and you fulfill your intentions with true action…you inspire others to better themselves…to have faith in the powers we hold within.
And in holding oneself accountable for the gift of change we become more empathetic to other’s faults and short comings…for we have battled wars of the same or different sorts inside ourselves as well…we know how fierce the fight can be…how pillaging of energy the effort is…how sometimes hope can seem so bleak…
How seeing others accomplish their goals ignites a fire of belief.
Change comes from within…no matter what we are not content with…it starts with us.
You don’t like it that someone doesn’t work…or put forth what you think is a good enough effort…work fucking harder…accomplish more for yourself…inspire them…or become to busy to even worry about it.
You don’t like how someone is treating you or someone else…make sure you are nice as fuck to everybody…times 11…go that extra mile for people you don’t even know….cause being good to one another encourages others to be good, even if it never reaches who you want it to reach…it will…there is a ripple…
You don’t like how you look…go stand in front of the looking glass and slap yourself a couple times…cause you have got to believe that you are the shit!
***Changing yourself within is the simple act of Karma coming to Actuality.***
Changing yourself to be the best You that You can be…
Is all the change you need.
“…I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And Then Make A Change…”
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK:
DADDY IS MAD
First you have got to put on you “Daddy is Mad face”…give it a stern look with some tight eyes and one side of your lips ripped back…now hear something…put your hand to you ear so you can catch it all (nothing gets past daddy!) Take two steps forward and start to shake your finger and yell…now take two more steps forward and SPANK SPANK!...cause you know that daddy will spank you if you make him mad!
*** Added moves to the dance include smelling the hand after spanking and/or putting baby powder on the hand before spanking…
Friday, March 22, 2013
Blog 104: I am NOT a Cougar!
Blog 104: I am NOT a Cougar!
(Disclaimer: Yup it is one of those Blogs…if you are my Parents…DO NOT READ…if you are friends of my parents…pretend you never saw this…if you are going to message me or comment about how I should not carry myself this way…than fuck off and don’t read…I am who I am and these are my diaries…if you like my raunchy blogs, than by all means grab a bowl…sit back and get ready to know way to much about this Princess.)
I am not a Cougar! (I say this in the Kindergarten Cop “It’s not a tumor” voice.) I actually thought I was but then I told my friend about it and she was like, “You are too young to be a cougar…you are a PUMA!”
She then broke it down to me….women who are 30-39 are Pumas…women who are 40-49 are Cougars and women that are 50+ are Jaguars…all this time I thought I was just educating the youth of America….can I get a “grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” bitches.
And well as of late…I have been “Pumaing” that shit up…totally…so keep your 20 year olds locked up moms…she is loose!
After careful consideration and thought ponder…I think I am finally ready for a relationship again…maybe..only if it reaches my standards (and I am a princess so that is a pretty high skyscraper) and while I think I might be ready to start dating again…for real this time and not just half ass) a thought occurred to me… “I am way to horny to be going on dates.”
Cause lets be honest…I am a red-head…I am hormonal…I need to get laid on a regular basis (it is the only thing about being married that I really truly miss.)
And if I don’t have sex…I get all flaaaa-clemted, irritated and can’t think straight…the left side of my brain kinda goes higher than the right and I get this squint eye thing…and I might go around air-humping my co-workers….the whole think is quite disturbing.
But I don’t want to have sex with someone who I might consider being in a relationship with…I want to get to know them…build something…and I can’t be doing that if I have getting freaking on the brain…no no no.
So my solution has been to find a young…tall…big footed cub…that can handle me (that proved to be an issue…) that I would have no attachment with other than to climb them backwards once or twice a week…so I could go through this dating action-ness without having sex on the brain.
I feel that this solution is awesomeness….because not only does it help me think right…but I am making the better lovers of tomorrow.
For example, my first cub…I started with him two years ago when he was at the ripe age of 19…he used to not go down on girls when I first met him…I think he had had a “bad pussy” moment or something (ladies…I shower a shit-ton and so should you!)…I explained to him that I was like “The Iron Chef Cuisine” of Pussy and he can’t say he didn’t like something till he had the best…well you know what…homie goes down now!…a couple months ago I asked him if he chowed down on his new girlfriend’s muff and he replied with a big smile and a “Yes I do…thanks Sunny.”
And until recently I had forgotten about the stamina of youth and their willingness to please…but then a young co-worker said I should get together with his friend…I was like “noooooooooooooooo” then I met his six foot five friend and looked at him and was like “Totally!”…I don’t think the youngen had ever experienced a woman like me…he was in somewhat shock…when he realized that you can see us in my mirrored headboard…I saw a shiver go down his spin…I had to giggle. I did get the quote of the month from this experience…
In his own words…”This is the best Apartment ever! I got beer…we smoked weed…had the most mind blowing sex ever…there are lasers…and great music…Who would ever leave!”
Alas I don’t think this young thing could handle a woman like me…but I believe I did give him hope for a better tomorrow.
After this encounter the Puma in me had been resurrected…and the hunt was on…that is the problem with me being horny…when I get satisfied…I just want more…figures.
I waited as long as I could…but then my head began to do that twitching thing that it does…and I knew…I could not lick my own paws…
So out I went on a mission…and found myself ordering a drink next to a 6 foot 6 young thing…I sniffed him…looked up and down and out came the words… “You are tall!”…He turned, gazed down and smiled…I kept going…”Your hands are huge!” his grin got bigger and before he could retort I questioned his age…when he informed me that he was 25…my eyes got wide and I stood on my toes and exclaimed in my highest of high voices,… “I’m a Puma!”
After explaining to him what that was and an evening of conversation…I had a new student or so I thought…cause unlike the last cublet…I did not have to teach this one a damm thing…wow…I never knew how awesome a strong jaw came in handy on a dude…wow…for a while there my eyes would not stop rolling back in my head…wow…totally!
Oh, my cubs…they do have a soft spot in my heart.
I must admit…as of late…I have been thinking ever so clear and I have been able to get a whole lot of work done…which I really needed to do.
And I know…I have to learn how to deal with being horny…but if I don’t have to…welllllllllllllllllll shit…why should I.
That will be a lesson I save myself for another day.
Until then…if you a young lad and walking down the street and hear a Puma roar…I would look out…or put your seatbelt on…and remember to keep your arms inside the vehicle.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE PUMA ROAR
This is an ever so simple dance move…just walk up to someone…give them a sniff…lick your right hand, put your head back and as you shake your head let out a fierce, “ROOOOOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR”…bat your eyes and lick your paw again...grrrrrrrrrrrr.
Please make sure your breath is awesomeness before letting out your ROAR…cause that is just proper princess action right there!
(Disclaimer: Yup it is one of those Blogs…if you are my Parents…DO NOT READ…if you are friends of my parents…pretend you never saw this…if you are going to message me or comment about how I should not carry myself this way…than fuck off and don’t read…I am who I am and these are my diaries…if you like my raunchy blogs, than by all means grab a bowl…sit back and get ready to know way to much about this Princess.)
I am not a Cougar! (I say this in the Kindergarten Cop “It’s not a tumor” voice.) I actually thought I was but then I told my friend about it and she was like, “You are too young to be a cougar…you are a PUMA!”
She then broke it down to me….women who are 30-39 are Pumas…women who are 40-49 are Cougars and women that are 50+ are Jaguars…all this time I thought I was just educating the youth of America….can I get a “grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” bitches.
And well as of late…I have been “Pumaing” that shit up…totally…so keep your 20 year olds locked up moms…she is loose!
After careful consideration and thought ponder…I think I am finally ready for a relationship again…maybe..only if it reaches my standards (and I am a princess so that is a pretty high skyscraper) and while I think I might be ready to start dating again…for real this time and not just half ass) a thought occurred to me… “I am way to horny to be going on dates.”
Cause lets be honest…I am a red-head…I am hormonal…I need to get laid on a regular basis (it is the only thing about being married that I really truly miss.)
And if I don’t have sex…I get all flaaaa-clemted, irritated and can’t think straight…the left side of my brain kinda goes higher than the right and I get this squint eye thing…and I might go around air-humping my co-workers….the whole think is quite disturbing.
But I don’t want to have sex with someone who I might consider being in a relationship with…I want to get to know them…build something…and I can’t be doing that if I have getting freaking on the brain…no no no.
So my solution has been to find a young…tall…big footed cub…that can handle me (that proved to be an issue…) that I would have no attachment with other than to climb them backwards once or twice a week…so I could go through this dating action-ness without having sex on the brain.
I feel that this solution is awesomeness….because not only does it help me think right…but I am making the better lovers of tomorrow.
For example, my first cub…I started with him two years ago when he was at the ripe age of 19…he used to not go down on girls when I first met him…I think he had had a “bad pussy” moment or something (ladies…I shower a shit-ton and so should you!)…I explained to him that I was like “The Iron Chef Cuisine” of Pussy and he can’t say he didn’t like something till he had the best…well you know what…homie goes down now!…a couple months ago I asked him if he chowed down on his new girlfriend’s muff and he replied with a big smile and a “Yes I do…thanks Sunny.”
And until recently I had forgotten about the stamina of youth and their willingness to please…but then a young co-worker said I should get together with his friend…I was like “noooooooooooooooo” then I met his six foot five friend and looked at him and was like “Totally!”…I don’t think the youngen had ever experienced a woman like me…he was in somewhat shock…when he realized that you can see us in my mirrored headboard…I saw a shiver go down his spin…I had to giggle. I did get the quote of the month from this experience…
In his own words…”This is the best Apartment ever! I got beer…we smoked weed…had the most mind blowing sex ever…there are lasers…and great music…Who would ever leave!”
Alas I don’t think this young thing could handle a woman like me…but I believe I did give him hope for a better tomorrow.
After this encounter the Puma in me had been resurrected…and the hunt was on…that is the problem with me being horny…when I get satisfied…I just want more…figures.
I waited as long as I could…but then my head began to do that twitching thing that it does…and I knew…I could not lick my own paws…
So out I went on a mission…and found myself ordering a drink next to a 6 foot 6 young thing…I sniffed him…looked up and down and out came the words… “You are tall!”…He turned, gazed down and smiled…I kept going…”Your hands are huge!” his grin got bigger and before he could retort I questioned his age…when he informed me that he was 25…my eyes got wide and I stood on my toes and exclaimed in my highest of high voices,… “I’m a Puma!”
After explaining to him what that was and an evening of conversation…I had a new student or so I thought…cause unlike the last cublet…I did not have to teach this one a damm thing…wow…I never knew how awesome a strong jaw came in handy on a dude…wow…for a while there my eyes would not stop rolling back in my head…wow…totally!
Oh, my cubs…they do have a soft spot in my heart.
I must admit…as of late…I have been thinking ever so clear and I have been able to get a whole lot of work done…which I really needed to do.
And I know…I have to learn how to deal with being horny…but if I don’t have to…welllllllllllllllllll shit…why should I.
That will be a lesson I save myself for another day.
Until then…if you a young lad and walking down the street and hear a Puma roar…I would look out…or put your seatbelt on…and remember to keep your arms inside the vehicle.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE PUMA ROAR
This is an ever so simple dance move…just walk up to someone…give them a sniff…lick your right hand, put your head back and as you shake your head let out a fierce, “ROOOOOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR”…bat your eyes and lick your paw again...grrrrrrrrrrrr.
Please make sure your breath is awesomeness before letting out your ROAR…cause that is just proper princess action right there!
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