Monday, May 20, 2013

Blog 106: Online Dating...Yikes! (Dating Diaries Part IV)

Blog 106: Online Dating...Yikes! (Dating Diaries Part IV)

Dating Diaries Part 1-3 are Blogs 7, 24 & 72.

Who doesn’t want to be loved, who doesn’t want to be held, and caressed, to have someone whisper in your ear how much you are adored…who doesn’t want a hand to hold, a shoulder to rest a tired head…an arm one can nuzzle underneath and feel warm and safe…who doesn’t want to be loved?

But having these feeling cannot be forced.

For a long time I took a time-out from dating, I focused on work and just enjoyed being with my friends and by myself…but a run in with an old lover made me want to get out there again and meet new people.

So I went out on a rendezvous with a man that had been calling me for a month…it was the worst night of my life…his car was so fancy I was scared of opening and closing the door…he took me to a Maroon 5 concert (my ears were mad a me for like two weeks) and oh…he confessed to me on the car ride home that he was still married and him and his wife still live together…when I got home, I simply sat and put my head in my hands and came to the realization that if I was going to date…I was going to need some help.

I asked my friends, family & colleges what I should do…90% of them said I should try Online dating…which I have never been a fan off…it just seemed unnatural, not real, a waste of my time…yet a friend offered to pay for it just so I would try, another compared it to shopping…and I REALLY like to shop…so hell, I thought why not…besides Jazzfest was coming up and I needed something new to fill up my time and not think about the fact that I wasn’t there.

So I became an Online Dater.

I made my profile, which I kept very short, honest and to the point. It spoke of how I was awesome, sparkled, believed in unicorns and smelled good. (I did not require myself to inscribe a five page novel like others had on the site)…then I started to answer questions that confused the fuck out of me and had no relevance to anything I believed to be important in dating.

I was skeptical at first to meet anyone, and it took about two weeks for me to build up the nerve to actually go on a date. I get so weirded out by dudes…one went on and on about finding parking for the date…after the third message about finding good parking I just stopped responding…if he was going to fret so much about that shit…hell no…I finally settled on meeting a gentleman for a walk around the block…so I could plan as many escape routes as possible. He turned out to be an awesome person…not in the meaning that we would flutter well together, but simply he was a good guy…his dog was even cooler! I am a sucker for a cute pup.

Having broken my online dating cherry, I tried to get comfortable in my shopping shoes…I went out on about 12 dates in a 2 ½ week period.

I went out with two different Bulgarians, I don’t think I had ever met a Bulgarian before, one attempted to tongue plunger my mouth when it came time to kiss…I wonder how my esophagus tastes? I met a man with the Largest Nose I have ever seen….I could not concentrate on a thing he said…I kept thinking about whether the nose would be a good or a bad thing if he was going down on me…after day dreaming through two questions from him I realized I simply had to leave the date…but my curiosity still lingers. One day I sandwiched two dates in, both were so depressing I contemplated the need for a disappearing cape, and they both took a form of a pill during meal time which they did not explain and I am still inquisitive about. Another date had that “dead tooth in the mouth” kinda breathe…ewwwwwwwwwww….did I not mention the importance of smelling good?

All this dating left me tired, a couple pounds heavier and frustrated.

Yup…this Online dating thing…is NOT for this princess.

(I actually think the whole “dating” thing is not for me…but that is another blog in its entirety.)

I did like that I got to meet a different kind of man than I was accustomed to meeting…I needed that…that was the good part of Online Dating.

The Bad part of Online Dating for me…was how it felt forced.

When I was Online I would rate a man by his pictures, how tall he was, how he came across in a written self-summary of what he thought was important, not what I give relevance to…I would look at him and judge.

That is not me in person.

In person I could give a shit about how tall you are, what you look like…I want to know how you smell, if you can talk to a woman of my magnitude with ease, how you move, your smile, the gleam in the corner of your eye…how your light emanates from your being…that is what first attracts me to a man…not pictures someone picks out that they think represents them…I like to submerge myself into someone in the raw…the real them…not this fake name with a sterile image.

Besides, I don’t have time to waste on a man that might not smell good.

I don’t even know if I want a relationship right now…I am a busy bitch…I definitely don’t want to squander my precious time…I spent way to many years married to a man that simply made me feel bad about being me…I don’t know if I am capable of the surrender of my heart again…I just know if it is suppose to happen, it will happen.

And more importantly, I am not lonely…I have a lot of love in my life, and I can get laid…I don’t want to push love on myself…I want it to grow naturally, organically, when I am ready….when it is presented in the right light…not because I feel it is something that I have to do…

And I need not waste my time on that action, I have really important stuff I have to do…I have people to sparkle, bubbles to blow, buttwalks to hike & friends to love…I need to keep my priorities straight…and simply let what is going to occur….befall upon me…and have faith in the outcome.


(I have been waiting for sometime to do this dance)

All right, have you ever gone by those Car Sale Lots and seen the dude in front that they have the wind blowing into that looks like noodles…yup this is that dance.

Stick your feet & knees together and spread your arms out wide…keeping your feet and knees still, wobble your thighs up from side to side and front to back letting your self kinda do a flop-half-nod kinda thing…or as I like to say, “Noodle Man Dance that shit up!”