Blog 104: I am NOT a Cougar!
(Disclaimer: Yup it is one of those Blogs…if you are my Parents…DO NOT READ…if you are friends of my parents…pretend you never saw this…if you are going to message me or comment about how I should not carry myself this way…than fuck off and don’t read…I am who I am and these are my diaries…if you like my raunchy blogs, than by all means grab a bowl…sit back and get ready to know way to much about this Princess.)
I am not a Cougar! (I say this in the Kindergarten Cop “It’s not a tumor” voice.) I actually thought I was but then I told my friend about it and she was like, “You are too young to be a cougar…you are a PUMA!”
She then broke it down to me….women who are 30-39 are Pumas…women who are 40-49 are Cougars and women that are 50+ are Jaguars…all this time I thought I was just educating the youth of America….can I get a “grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” bitches.
And well as of late…I have been “Pumaing” that shit up…totally…so keep your 20 year olds locked up moms…she is loose!
After careful consideration and thought ponder…I think I am finally ready for a relationship again…maybe..only if it reaches my standards (and I am a princess so that is a pretty high skyscraper) and while I think I might be ready to start dating again…for real this time and not just half ass) a thought occurred to me… “I am way to horny to be going on dates.”
Cause lets be honest…I am a red-head…I am hormonal…I need to get laid on a regular basis (it is the only thing about being married that I really truly miss.)
And if I don’t have sex…I get all flaaaa-clemted, irritated and can’t think straight…the left side of my brain kinda goes higher than the right and I get this squint eye thing…and I might go around air-humping my co-workers….the whole think is quite disturbing.
But I don’t want to have sex with someone who I might consider being in a relationship with…I want to get to know them…build something…and I can’t be doing that if I have getting freaking on the brain…no no no.
So my solution has been to find a young…tall…big footed cub…that can handle me (that proved to be an issue…) that I would have no attachment with other than to climb them backwards once or twice a week…so I could go through this dating action-ness without having sex on the brain.
I feel that this solution is awesomeness….because not only does it help me think right…but I am making the better lovers of tomorrow.
For example, my first cub…I started with him two years ago when he was at the ripe age of 19…he used to not go down on girls when I first met him…I think he had had a “bad pussy” moment or something (ladies…I shower a shit-ton and so should you!)…I explained to him that I was like “The Iron Chef Cuisine” of Pussy and he can’t say he didn’t like something till he had the best…well you know what…homie goes down now!…a couple months ago I asked him if he chowed down on his new girlfriend’s muff and he replied with a big smile and a “Yes I do…thanks Sunny.”
And until recently I had forgotten about the stamina of youth and their willingness to please…but then a young co-worker said I should get together with his friend…I was like “noooooooooooooooo” then I met his six foot five friend and looked at him and was like “Totally!”…I don’t think the youngen had ever experienced a woman like me…he was in somewhat shock…when he realized that you can see us in my mirrored headboard…I saw a shiver go down his spin…I had to giggle. I did get the quote of the month from this experience…
In his own words…”This is the best Apartment ever! I got beer…we smoked weed…had the most mind blowing sex ever…there are lasers…and great music…Who would ever leave!”
Alas I don’t think this young thing could handle a woman like me…but I believe I did give him hope for a better tomorrow.
After this encounter the Puma in me had been resurrected…and the hunt was on…that is the problem with me being horny…when I get satisfied…I just want more…figures.
I waited as long as I could…but then my head began to do that twitching thing that it does…and I knew…I could not lick my own paws…
So out I went on a mission…and found myself ordering a drink next to a 6 foot 6 young thing…I sniffed him…looked up and down and out came the words… “You are tall!”…He turned, gazed down and smiled…I kept going…”Your hands are huge!” his grin got bigger and before he could retort I questioned his age…when he informed me that he was 25…my eyes got wide and I stood on my toes and exclaimed in my highest of high voices,… “I’m a Puma!”
After explaining to him what that was and an evening of conversation…I had a new student or so I thought…cause unlike the last cublet…I did not have to teach this one a damm thing…wow…I never knew how awesome a strong jaw came in handy on a dude…wow…for a while there my eyes would not stop rolling back in my head…wow…totally!
Oh, my cubs…they do have a soft spot in my heart.
I must admit…as of late…I have been thinking ever so clear and I have been able to get a whole lot of work done…which I really needed to do.
And I know…I have to learn how to deal with being horny…but if I don’t have to…welllllllllllllllllll shit…why should I.
That will be a lesson I save myself for another day.
Until then…if you a young lad and walking down the street and hear a Puma roar…I would look out…or put your seatbelt on…and remember to keep your arms inside the vehicle.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE PUMA ROAR
This is an ever so simple dance move…just walk up to someone…give them a sniff…lick your right hand, put your head back and as you shake your head let out a fierce, “ROOOOOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR”…bat your eyes and lick your paw again...grrrrrrrrrrrr.
Please make sure your breath is awesomeness before letting out your ROAR…cause that is just proper princess action right there!