Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Blog 65: To be a Redhead

Blog 65: To be a Redhead

Shirley Temple (my next Halloween Costume)...Carrot Top, Big Red, Raggedy Anne, Fire Muff (this one was bad, but what was even worse was that for the first two months I did not know what “muff” meant and thought it was a Cool nickname...until I told my older sister and she was like, “dumb ass, do you know that muff means pussy”...oops)

Whatever name you got for my red hair, I have probably heard it, about 30 times...

Recently I have been studying about redheads and well...seems like my peeps have been fucked for a while...just saying...persecution is a bitch.

Did you know that long ago us redheads were burned at the stake, that we were thought to be demon children, some think we possess great powers, some say we are kinda nuts, and we are known as over sexual...well, some things might be true...

Today, I have grown to love my lion’s mane...yet, it was not always like that.

May I say for the first four years of my life I was the cutest orphan Annie you had ever seen. Yet as I started to go to school I started to hate my hair...First off, I had no idea how to take care of it...a personal note to people with curly hair like mine...don’t brush it, you will look like a first grade Sister Mary took me to get a hair cut, I looked like a freaking Christmas tree (I think this was the birth of me getting freaked out by hair cuts and why I only do it to myself today)...then of course there was the NKOTB years where I had the “pumped” bangs...that was really bad and used up a lot of hair spray...yikes.

I was the only one with red hair in my grade school, hell I was the only white kid in my class...and the thought of someone having red hair made the other kids laugh, cause I was different...someone pretty much made fun of my hair everyday throughout all of grade school and the first half of high school...I didn’t really learn how to tame my hair till I was about 16 years old...I still remember the first compliment I got on my hair, it was on the 31 Balboa bus, a lady told me she LOVED my hair, it was the first time someone had said something about my hair that was shocked me.

I can honestly say that grade school and high school were really hard on me...Someone was always teasing me, I don’t think I ever felt pretty, and a lot of that had to do with the fact that everyone was making fun of my red made me even more different than I already was.

Today is a whole new ball game, someone compliments my hair everyday, I respond every time with “My daddy gave it to me”...I even had a chode at the Boom Boom Room ask to smell my hair on Saturday night...who does that? He kept on going on and on about sniffing my hair...Weirdo.

But having hair like mine is a balance...yes it is quite awesomeness times 11 and smells delicious, but you know I can never sneak into a show, was never able to get a fake ID, usually when I do something embarrassing people are going to remember cause it was “the crazy redhead”...I meet people all the time who already have met me and remember me and I have no idea who they are...but they know who I am...and its usually cause of my hair that they recall who I am.

Ohhh, and I stick out like a sore thumb...I remember the first time I had the privilege of going to The Greek Theater in Berkley...I was sitting in the very top back smoking a bowl (the total opposite side of the entrance)...a friend came up to me and said, “Sunshine, as soon as I walked in I looked around and saw your bright red hair all the way over here, how funny is that?”...ha ha ha ha...don’t ever ask me to rob a bank, I’ll never get away unrecognized.

Sometimes I wish I could just blend in, to be like everyone else, to be able to simply pull my hair in a ponytail like all the other girls can...but I can’t. My hair is the cards that I were dealt, and that is simply that.

I just embrace it now, I wear dresses that are as flashy as my hair, cause if you are going to stand out, there aint no point about being half ass about it.

I have never mustered up the strength to dye my mane or change it in any way (I tried ironing it for like 30 minutes once, and it looked the exact same)...cause as much grief as it gives is me, it has become part of who I am, and I love it and have no desire to change it.

For getting teased about my hair for so long, really makes me appreciate every time someone says something nice about it...sometimes I feel like a swam...having grown into her beauty...I run into people from grade school every once in a while and they do the "step back"..I smile and think, "yeah, you made fun of this awesomeness...ding dong."

And as much grief and teasing came with my hair in my early years, it only helped make me the strong ass woman I am today (I’m pretty sure this is another trait that redheads are known for)...And I guess that is what I love so much about my hair, it has helped me become me.

Cause if it doesn’t kill you...


FINDING WATER (the old school way)

First you want to start off holding one of those “wishbone” sticks, they are a stick that splits off into two...those are the best ones for finding water, now walk with the stick in your hands and once you feel it start to shake a little, grab your shovel and start to dig, you might want to get someone to help you dig, cause digging is a bitch...(joint breaks are allowed)...oh your shovel just broke through...WATER IN YOUR FACE (I usually try to block the water with my forearms to no avail) not only is your face nice and clean, but your thirst is quenched...awesomeness.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Blog 64: Honey, I just Look this Way...

Blog 64...Honey, I just look this Way...

A man, who didn’t know me at the time, came up to me awhile back and said, “Soooo...Are you just some hippy chick that smokes a bunch of pot and writes a blog?”

Have you ever had a giggle build really low in your stomach and feel it travel all the way up your esophagus...trying to hold it in, and then it comes out in a snort...well that is totally what happened.

As I rattled of my many jobs and began to articulate with the man, the look on his face turned to “somewhat awe”...and in my head I giggled some more and thought, “Honey, I just look this way”

So please don’t let the glitter fool you, nor the fact that my tits look awesomeness cloud your judgment...I might be super cute, look like Shirley Temple, am sparkly and talk in a high voice (my friend told me the more loaded I get the higher my “totally” gets)...but that does not mean that I ain’t got a brain...far from it darlin.

Shhhh...don’t tell anyone, but I am actually quite intelligent.

And I am not referring to the fact that I have a photographic memory (I can pull some crazy facts out of my dome) or the fact that I graduated college in four years even though I had to drop out of one semester due to “stalker” ex-boyfriend and had to go to college part-time for a year to gain my residency...I had a goal of finishing in four years and when I set a goal...well, I mean business. I also started a restaurant with $3,000 (most people usually start one with at least $50,000) that lasted for four years in an industry that eats newcomers up for breakfast in the first year...and if I hadn’t fallen out of love with my ex-husband or if he had learned to say “thank you” I would still own the restaurant.

But when I say I am smart, I really mean beyond the norm cerebral kinda way...more like the “Queen in Training” kinda way...I just try to be low pro with that shit.

Examples of me being mentally awesomeness:

I learn from my mistakes...this might be my biggest attribute. I have fucked up in my day (still am going to) and have watched others screw the pooch many a time, but every wrong I see, I try to see the right, I try to recognize what I didn’t like about a situation and make sure it doesn’t happen again...from the most mind-numbing heartbreak I have found the most glorious light...and it is only because that is the way I choose to look at life. Some of the worst things that have happened to me I can honestly say, I would not have learned my lesson if it had not been so took me hitting bottom to realize I had to change my ways.

My Perception...I might come off as a bubbly, cute ding dong (I even play one in real life) but that is just the wrapping. The truth is I find it easier to be smiling and happy than to be anything else. And being happy is the only thing of myself I really want to brush off on people. To the point of, if I am not in a good mood, I don’t go out...I don’t want to rub my mad mojo off on anyone else...what awesomeness is that going to spread? If I’m not spreading positivity, that ain’t right. My powers should only be used for good.

I try not to Judge...please note that I said “try” after all I am human, and am by no means perfect. But I am also aware that we are all human, and we all need to learn from our will often hear me say, “Who doesn’t want to be loved?...Who doesn’t want to be happy?”...We all have a path to take and that road is not always paved with daisies on the side...and if someone does what they think will make them happy or what they think is for love, than far be it for me to stand in their way.

I let you be You...I was out with some of my friends last week and my girlfriend and I were talking about our friend, he is a business owner that is a little extravagant, but a total sweetheart...yet he has seemed to rub some people the wrong way...but the fact is in business, sometimes you got to rub people the wrong is business, and in the music industry, you got to get over that shit...the thing is...if you love him and simply except this man for who he is, and let him do his thing the way he wants to do it...he will let you do the same, you just have to respect him. My friend turned to me and said, “That is what I love about you, I feel that I can be totally me around you, and it is so encourage me to be me.” I took this is as a great compliment...times 11.

I try to always leave things on a good Note...When I first moved back to San Francisco I ran into the friend that had robbed me and my ex-husband back in the the time he was hooked on some bad drugs...when I saw him 9 years later, I gave him a hug, he was fucking shocked, you could see it in his face, I mentioned nothing of the robbery, I felt no need to, I no longer grew pot, I don’t deal with any of that shit anymore, and to be honest, getting robbed was a humbleness that my ex and I needed to experience, we were getting to over our heads at the greedy. And as I looked into my friend’s eyes I tried to send a forgiveness that I hoped he would feel. For carrying around anger is so detrimental to one’s being, and letting it go is so freeing. Besides, leaving things on a good note, sets up good things...If I run into him again, there is not going to be any negatively, no awkwardness, if you let it go, but remember your lesson that you learned it just is simply less drama, and drama is a bitch and a half...totally.

So while I look and come off as a ditzy sparkle chick, there is way more to me, but darlin you have to take the time to figure that shit out...

And while you are figuring out how awesome I am, you should be realizing how fucking awesome you are as well.

For I am a firm believer that when you can see the awesomeness in yourself, you can see it everybody.

The saying “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover” is an age old saying...cause it is the fucking truth.



Start by finding a ball that is the right weight (get your mind out of the gutter)...I usually have to pick up 3-5 balls to find on I like (once I find the right one I give it a little spin in my hands)...all right, we got our ball, time to line up with the pins, start with your feet together, pull the bowling ball up to your you step your left leg forward, swing your right arm with the ball back, as you take a step or two forward let your arm swing forward and right as your hand passes your hip let the ball fly...I kinda lean to the side as it goes down the lane...and victory dance...cause it is a STRIKE.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Blog 63: Insecurities

Blog 63: Insecurities

How are we okay with who we are no matter what?

My friend fell this last week and scratched my face when he went down...and this whole week I have felt like a dumb ass cause I give a shit that my face was scratched...but I can’t totally bothered me.

I thought about how I felt when I had psoriasis and was covered in head to toe spots, like a could I let this one section of my face fuck with me so much?

Then I thought about the people that have a scar, a handicap, a selfish and petty I was being...

What the fuck was wrong with me?

Well that is a loaded question, to say the let us just focus on the point at hand.

The truth of the matter is that I have been feeling insure about a lot of shit lately...and as I starred myself down in the mirror...I realized that I had to snap the hell out of this tailspin.

Sometimes we all need to check ourselves.

Sometimes we need others to check ourselves...

I was on the phone with one of my dearest friends a couple days ago and he was like, “Are you okay?”

I replied, “Why the fuck are you asking me that?”

“Well ding dong, you keep on cutting your hair, and when girls keep on cutting their hair there is something wrong.”

Busted...I thought in me head...”No, I am not okay, but I will be okay...I promise.”

Sometimes you need to get okay with yourself if not for you, but for your dear friends who love you, whom have enough shit that they have to deal with, without having to worry about if you are okay...

Cause the messed up face was just the tip of the iceberg...I am frustrated with my career, I am unnerved with my financial situation, I am upset I have not been able to go farther with my writing...and so many other things...I feel like I have let myself down...I sense I have let my parents down, a notion that knocks me down even ideal, I so do not want to be true.

And all this contemplating left me in tears, unable to move, stuck in bed...I am a firm believer that sometimes we need to wallow in our own self-pity to truly realize how pathetic we really are.

A Queen came and visited me that day in bed, she brought margaritas and love...and as she expressed to me how proud I should be of myself, how far I have come, that I did it on my own, how I would have truly let my parents down if I had stayed in an unhappy marriage and not risked everything for a chance at my dreams...all my insecurities I wailed to her, she simply smiled and gave me her that was the total opposite of how I was feeling, and while it is totally possible that neither of us was totally right...neither of us were completely wrong either, the truth lied in the middle, but was not going to be achieved with me laying in bed.

In rising the next morning I limped to the mirror (yes I actually injured myself shooting out of a kid’s slide...something that does not improve one's notion of being "insecure")...and as I starred the looking glass down once more...I gazed upon the emerald eyes that I have tried to understand for so long and tried to comprehend how to be a peace with my insecurities.

And I realized, I just have to accept them.

All the things I don’t like about me, I can do my very best to change, to grow...but in the end, if it is who I is who I am, and I must love that, accept matter what.

In acknowledging my shortcomings...I come to terms with my humanity.

For while I am a princess, I am still mortal...therefore the things that I am insecure about, are the very notions that I learn from...that I use as steppingstones in the hopes of my enlightenment.

Questioning what makes me happy, what satisfies a much needed tune-up along my path...

I called my friend back, and thanked him for calling me out...and I let him know that I would be okay.

I told him about the writing jobs I had applied for, the school I had looked into, the decisions I had come to and the realizations...that instead of simply dreaming of a better, different life, I had to take action.

He replied, “Remember, if you don’t have only have nightmares.”

So as I arise from my bed of self pity...I keep my dreams on the horizon, and realized as long as I simply strive for what I desire, and be content with how far I have come...any insecurities I might have are only skin deep, and the more I try to overcome my insecurities and either change them or be at peace with them...the closer I come to my dreams becoming my reality.

Sometimes the things that make us cry the most...are the very things that give us the most strength...

It is simply in one’s perception.


THE WALKER (this is not my own dance, but was shown to me by a certain “fancy” lady that I know)

Start by putting you hands at 2 and 10 on the walker...about shoulder length you want to lean forward too (have you ever seen an old person using a walker who is not leaning forward) lift the walker with both hands at the same time about 2 inches forward and take a small step...breathe, take a couple second rest and repeat...until finally you get to where you need to go.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Blog 62: The Power of Glitter! (Part One)

Blog 62: The Power of Glitter! (Part One)

As I opened my gate to get ready to brace the world for the first time in a week after being sick, the sun beat down on my shoulders and I almost fell back due to the presence of the crack head peeing two feet from me, dick in hand...fuck facing a wall or going in between two cars, just stand in the middle of the sidewalk and let it all go.

I quickly looked down at my nose (as I often do in the Tenderloin when I see something that I don’t want to)...the specks of Glitter on my nose blinded me instantly and made me not able to look back up (thank God)...reason number 43 why Glitter is fucking awesomeness.

My History with Glitter...

I did not always wear Glitter, in fact I thought it was kinda weird that people in San Francisco rocked the Glitter when I moved back home from Eugene. I remember the first time I sported it was a few New Year’s Eves sister saw me getting dressed up and I asked her what I was missing, she said “Glitter”...I was a little nervous but went for it, she told me, “If there is a day to wear Glitter, New Year’s Eve is it.”

Now while I had popped my Glitter cherry I had still not warmed up to the idea completely...until I met my awesome boss...the one who I love so much and learn so much from...(Blog 54)...she not only wears glitter but even little glittery eye gems from time to day I put some glitter on my eyes where most people put eye shadow...I asked her how it looked and she looked me dead in the eye, lifted her finger and replied, “Never be afraid to Sparkle.”

When I glitter little children now, as I often can stop them from crying, it can help them finish their breakfast when I am working brunch, it can make their brother stop teasing them (especially if you glitter him too) and make them settle down when they are bouncing off the walls, and every time I glitter them, I repeat what my boss said, “Never be afraid to Sparkle.”

I think that was why I was afraid of glitter in the beginning, because I was scared to sparkle, to stand out...oh how times have changed...I am a firm believer in “Spreading the Sparkle.”

Now I wear glitter everyday (unless I’m sick)...I put in on my eyelids and my orbital bone, the last part I do so that when I hug people, a little bit of glitter rubs of on them. “Spreading the Sparkle” is right bitches.

And I have been known to sparkle mass groups of people...whether it is the 60-75 people I got at the Boom Boom Room (Blog 13)...people still talk about that and the whole room sparkled...or certain days I work at the restaurant...once I got everyone who worked there, all the customers, even the two puppies was one of my proudest moments.

Some guys are like, “What do I tell my girlfriend?”

Tell them you got sparkled by one of those crazy glitter chicks...this is San Francisco, as long as you ain’t rocking glitter on your cock, you should be okay, and if your chick is that up tight...well, honey...that is your own hell to have to deal with, not mine.

Once I went to a show where the band I work for was playing and I sparkled one of the guys from the opening act and he yelled at me!!! He was like, “This is so disrespectful, I can’t believe you glittered me, how am I suppose to get up on stage in front of these people with glitter on my face.”

Well, first off, I did say opening band, so he wasn’t going to get back up on stage any time soon, second off, honey this is the music business, you are going to have to get used to hot girls glittering Nut the Fuck up and’s big boy pant time now.

On the night of glittering the Boom Boom Room I got one of my friends who hates glitter with a passion, he stood there looking at me in shock, I returned the gaze with a massive smile, wide eyes and a “what the fuck is he going to do to me” expression on my face...

He replied with, “Fuck, I have been saying for months that whoever glittered me I was going to give them the most massive amount of psychedelics that I could.”

I was like, “Sweet, give me,” and held out my hand out excitedly...

He was like, “I know, that is why I am so upset, because of all the people to glitter me, you are the one person who would be TOTALLY okay with this punishment.”...what a glorious evening I had...ohhhhh, the colors, the sparkles, the moonbeams and

Sometimes I just sneak a Glitter...someone will be talking to me and I will just pull it out of my purse and WAMMMMMM! They look at me and I just stand their beaming my pretty smile, enjoying my work, and they just shake their heads...then I look them dead in the eye, lift my finger and say, “Never be afraid to Sparkle.”

Glitter, just makes me smile...and I am a firm believer that we all sparkle, with or without glitter, I am just taping into my “inner sparkle”...

And if you don’t like glitter, well more for me, I do recommend that if you hug me you don’t let me “snugglet” you cause you will be covered (you should see my mom when I am done with her...tee hee hee)...and usually if people tell me they don’t like glitter I will leave them alone, unless you threaten me with copious amounts of psychedelics...than whose fault is that, really.

Glitter helps everything just look better, and when you live in the Tenderloin, and see the shit that I could use some sparkle...maybe if the crack heads tapped into their “inner sparkle” they might see how grey and dark smoking crack is...

Maybe one day I won’t need to wear glitter cause everyone will be aware that they sparkle without glitter...maybe one day we will all recognize how awesome we all really are...

Until that day, and maybe even after...I will be rocking my Glitter and “Spreading the Sparkle” as any good Princess should.



Start by putting some Glitter on your orbital bone (once again for those who don’t know, the orbital bone is the half-moon shaped bone underneath your eye) go out on the town and start to meet new people and run into peeps that you know, when you hug them, make sure your cheek gets some cheek on cheek contact with them...pull away, give them a look and say, “you’re sparkly” and walk away, they won’t even the time you are done with the evening, you might have to put your sunglasses on...cause the town will be blinging!