Saturday, February 26, 2011

Blog 9..Lessons I have learned on my Path to being a Queen (part one)

Blog 9…
Lessons I have learned on my path to being a Queen (part one)

Lesson 1
Sometimes a princess has to be a leper before she can become a queen.
I am a beautiful woman, inside and out. I dealt with a horrible stressful situation at work which I will not bore you with, and my psoriasis came back
(the only time I had it before was when I was losing my restaurant and going through my divorce.)

I feel like a leper.

And as it finally fades away (it has lasted almost 3 months now, but this is better than the last time I had it for 5 months) I have learned.

People don’t always realize what it is like to have something wrong with you that everyone sees. When my psoriasis is at its peek, I have it on about 90 percent of my body…it tones down my brightness, big time. And no matter how hard I try I am not strong enough to get past it even though I know that I have true inner beauty
***the fact that I let this tone down my brightness is one of the reasons I am still a princess, not yet a queen***

I feel so ugly and horrible and know that I let myself stay in this stressful situation and I should have left, I deserve better. But now I have only to learn from my mistakes.

Lesson 2
Sometimes you got to let your soul shine.
(Warren Haynes might be the greatest musician of all time, and as a woman, I feel he knows me even though we have never truly talked, oh I met him, but I totally freaked out in his rock star presence, I totally lost it…
even a princess gets dumbstruck.)
This whole psoriasis thing has taught me about inner beauty. When I first started to get it again, this really wonderful and talented man told me how awesome I was. I thought how the fuck could this be the case, and asked him how he could like someone who had this, this disease that affected my skin.
He said my inner beauty shined through, and he later told me that I was a mental, physical & spiritual example of TOTAL AWESOMENESS.
And even thought I have struggled with having this disease in the pit of my stomach I know that I am the shit, I know I rock this shit out, and I know I will heal. I know that I have learned to have empathy in a way I didn’t think possible for people that have physical disabilities, scars or imperfections. In fact having psoriasis has helped me see more people’s physical imperfections…and I have realized that…..
I haven’t found one person that doesn’t have an imperfection.
See a good princess has to realize that she is not more special, better or worse than anyone else….but that it is simply her destiny, and in realizing everyone’s faults, she can help heal and bring her people together.

Just a Thought
When did venues start being bright. All right, I wont even go into venues that don’t let you smoke pot….chicken fuckers…times 10…totally….
Okay I will stop…CHICKEN FUCKERS.
But here is a tip for all bars, restaurants and venues….remember my rant about how we all have imperfections….ahhhh we all don’t want people to see them….not to mention it makes the person I am talking to look that much better, and hides that beer the chicken fucker who has no “drink in crowd holding skills” spilt down my side.
(Control your drink….ding dong)
anyhoo…darker is better. And if im at a show, the likely hood that im loaded…wellllll.
***tip to people who take psychedelics….
fake artifical, glaring light=not okay…
its hard to see all the great colors when you have a freakin headache…and I usually rock the shades or a hat in the sunlight when trippin, or just whenever, I mean I’m usually baked in a functional part of society part of way…totally.
What was my tangent…oh yeah…turn the lights down low BITCHES…for the sake of everyone’s self esteems, imperfections and psychedelic tendencies…or fuck it how bout just mine.
I am a princess damm it.

Lesson 3
Not an orginal
Let that one steep for a second….
For example
If your parents have a sweet ass house that’s not in the Tenderloin and has a killer view of the ocean and they go out of town during key show weekends…well…who’s fault is that..
And if fun insues welllllllllll.
I love and am thankful for my parents, and I do try to be a good daughter, but you all might be pushing it if you think I can resist the urge to party at a house with a fully stocked bar, a full fridge, three stories, a killer yard. A sweet ass view and is less than 10 blocks away from where I can launch fireworks off after a night of partying and scare the hell out of people having breakfast in a nice ass restaurant.

In the time that I have been back in the city, it takes me two hands to count the number of times my parents have left for a trip on a killer show weekend when my friends are coming to town. Oh the debauchery, oh the fun, oh how my mom is going to give me THE LOOK as she is reading this….oh the joys of unconditional love
You know you love me, come on now…
Im even trying to write a book and I just put you in it…
also…reason number what why I don’t think I should have kids..(for the love of all that is holy what if they turn out like me…that would really fuck with me.)

There are many more lessons I will save for another day.

May I take a moment to remember my friend Chad…..I love you and you will be missed…times forever,
no one entertained me more in their sleep than you…oh the things you said when sleeping…..priceless.

Dance Move of the Week
as i walked down the streets of the tenderloin, i realized that there is a dance called the tenderloin shit shuffle....there are two parts, the first part is the crack heads that either shit in the street or dont look where they are going and smear their shit, or random dog shits into streaks making odd "Z" like patterns. (i will save my rant for "why the hell do crack heads who live in the tenderloin have dogs they cant take care of" for a different day)
the second part is people like me, who no matter how loaded we are have go to do odd jumps and hops around the zorro marks of shit. In fact on a fine day in the tenderloin I found myself doing these legging dance moves behind a crack head that spread at least 3 different piles of shit.......CAN WE PLEASE CLEAN UP OUR SHiT PEEPS...come on.....I totally get why people wash down the sidewalks now.

So the dance moves are….
Squat..kinda bounce your ass in the air as you squat, remember toilet paper is few and far between in the TL…shake it one more time…now stand up, oh you stepped in it, look at the bottom of your shoe, now smear, smear…..(almost like you are ice skating), now zorro hop……and back into the squat…repeat till you feel 5 pounds lighter....
SMELLS BAD…totally

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Blog 8....Cocktails & Tenderloin Weapons (part one)

Blog 8…Cocktails and Tenderloin Weapons (part one)

...walking to venues saves money, it is free tv, and if it has some incline, will make your ass look better. (free tv and butt walks…Ill say it once, ill say it twice…CRUCIAL)
for example I can walk to the Boom Boom Room, yeah it takes a little more than 15min, no biggie, but if I get a nice size cup and fill it with vodka and a mixer, the walk is enjoyable and even more entertaining. Roll one up and I might walk a little slower. Walking through the tenderloin can be tough and a LOIN COCKTAIL just makes it go so much smoother, and is oh so refreshing.
**Two notes on the loin cocktail: even though the loin cocktail saves you money, dont scrimp to much....use soda or juice as your mixer...crystal light you find in your cupboard is just fucking gross and highly not okay......maybe more ice would have helped....but i kinda doubt that.
note two: it can be a shock weapon, when you are walking by yourself in the tenderloin you have always got to think about make-shift weapons, and ice and booze in someone's face will totally give you time to run.**

Speaking of Weapons…
Let go over a few that I have learned to be highly affective.

May I start my saying I do not believe in violence. That being said, aint no one going to fuck with me…Im way to cute for that noise.
And in the tenderloin I get hassled and heckled quite often, and Im all about feeling safe in my neighborhood.

My all time favorite of course
Oh sweet I love you so. Nothing makes me feel more secure on my late night/early morning walks like my corkscrew. I actually walk with it open, corkscrew protruding out between my index and middle finger….I just recently found a really long one for old corks…and that bitch really gleams in the street lights..awesomeness
I have fended off many a men with my corkscrew. The one who raised a horse crop and yelled "CYRSTAL METH"....granted if it was minus the horse crop i might have doubled over laughing right then and there.....but a horse crop is a horse crop so out came my corkscrew with light speed....and it worked....homie turned so fast, i didnt even have to tell him “I will take your eye home in my shoe”......which I have learned is also very effective..I just say that and hold up my hand so the person hassling me can really see what I got and they shut up.
Cause lets get serious peeps.
No one want to mess with a crazy redhead yielding a corkscrew.
You know right after I do that they turn to their friend and go..”that bitch is crazy”…
I live in the freaking tenderloin…jeez.

Now just plan scissors…that would work…but the burly-ness of the corkscrew…just isn’t there. But I learned about the power of the sewing sheers (even though they are pink) one night. I was getting ready to go to Boarders to get that book DMT: The Spirit Molecule (awesomeness in a book by the way..totally) and as I was checking my purse..I could not find my corkscrew…chicken fucker…
Looking around for a make shift weapon I grabbed my sewing sheers, shoved them in my purse and off I went. As I walked to Union Square..the streets were slower than normal and a man who was walking towards me, stopped 5 feet ahead of me in my path.
**please note**
if someone stops and blocks your path..get your defences up asap. That is not a good sign and they are going to try to fuck with you.
So as the chicken fucker started to taunt me and try to touch if I was in a ballet, I in one move reached in my purse and grabbed my sheers…as I was pulling them out..they separated (like the good sheers do) leaving me with a blade in each hand…I collected myself (I was mentally going..that shit was cool as fuck) and looked up at homie who was frozen. I said “Fuck no Bitches” and headed right for him. For some strange reason he decided to move out of my way..hmmmmmm

In a plastic Bag a jar of pickles is all that you need. Swing and walk baby...Swing and walk.

Now I don’t wear heels anymore..I used to, but ladies, let us be smart here..If you are walking, anywhere, and someone makes you feel threated and you have heels..take those bitches off and use them. Those things can hurt like a mother fucker and you are one step closer to being able to run away.
That is half of the battle.

My home girl gave me the idea of bringing a fan to shows…as I hope you all can tell..I get down..but I also get hot (even quicker if I loaded) so having a fan to cool myself off has become necessary for those hot steaming music shows I like to go see…(Like the greyboy allstars show that sold out in like 5 hours at the Boom Boom needed….)
And although I have never had to use..on a recent walk home, after going for my corkscrew and finding my fan first, I pulled it out and threaten to stick it in his neck..whoa..but effective.

There will be more weapons to come..but always remember.

when worse come to worse…
You will find this princess with her Jerry hand print ring on my right..and a big ole gaudy ring on my left…

So if the thunder don’t get you…the lighting will.

Dance move of the Week
Start by putting your foot on the lawn mover to steady it..a move many forget is “The Prime” you gotta prime that oil peeps.. three pumps is an accurate amount…now pull that usually takes me 2-5 hard you go, mow that bitch…damm that grass was high and its stopped…pull it again…off you go..damm a rock…start to pull again..crap it won’t start…that when you got to give it a couple soft kicks, pull….IT you go (this is also a great way to clear yourself an easy path to the bar)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Blog 7..Dating Diaries of a Princess...PART ONE

Blog 7….Dating Diaries of a Princess…PART ONE

Here are the first few example of awesome dates (not) that I have had in this wonderful city…thank god the city will always be my perfect date.

Date A.
When did a date become a drug deal.
Ohh you all think Im joking, well lets check this shit out…
I meet a man, he is friends of my friends, he is tall, he is dark, he is handsome, and oh so positive…check, check, and check…awesomeness right…nope.
I try to get homie to go on an art walk…one of my favorite-free things to do, and there are nice bars along the way….totally
Now granted, my idea of a date is a guy asking me to go out to dinner…in fact if I guy asks if we can hang…I say, “you can take me out to dinner” period. So the fact that is not how it started, I should have guessed. But he was nice and tall and I thought…maybe.
Then he picked me up in a massive truck…I have learned that herb growers from oakland that drive the massive trucks are not my type. You all don’t need that big of trucks, you grow herb in the CITY of Oakland, not Trinity county here peeps, besides you all are suppose to be hippies anyway …damm ….anyhoo
He did open the door.
*****please note to all men, open the fucking door, its not hard, it makes a lady feel like a lady, and damm it, how the fuck were you raised that you think it is not okay to be proper****
…back to the drug deal.
He told me cruising would be more fun than an art walk…he does know I don’t drive and love to walk right…oh yeah…drug deal.
So we go to his friends house that he has to see (oh this also turns out to be a guy from my past I humped once, was really bad, and I have those “why the fuck did I do that” thoughts…)
So awesome date already…did I mention the guy who I humped girlfriend was there, the one who he had broken up with right before I humped him and then they got back together…this was off to a flipping fantastic start already, why am I not in a relationship with this guy….
He then picks up a bag of pot we have totally not awkward conversation and off we go.
He then takes me to look at the ocean.
Now downtown its about 50 degrees…at the ocean, its 32 degrees with high wind..oh the romance of this date continues.
So he asks if im cold…with numb lips I think my snow capped lungs breathed a yes… off we went to a dive bar…oh what a date, did I mention on the way to the dive bar he told me the guy before couldn’t give him any money, soo he was sorry, but I was going to have to pay for my own drink…
Then off to a mutual friends of ours to smoke pot and watch the simpsons…..This is all things I could have done on my own time..I am a busy bitch….a date should be special. For the love all that is holy…

Date B
Don’t tell me you are masturbating to me…not good.
I had a wonderful date with a gentleman, he took me out to a lovely dinner, then we had a bottle of wine on the beach and kissed. I was walking on air. I mean, this might seem like a dream, there were some little things, but all and all it was great, he paid for everything, we had great conversation, he dropped me off….then I got a text about how he was masturbating to the thought of me coming in his mouth…what the fuck, who texts that, who says that after the first date, settle the fuck down, I mean seriously. Way to gross me the fuck out. Then he texts like 7 times a day, first off, no, and second, I have 6+ freaking jobs I don’t have time to spend that much time on the phone. And months later he still calls, wonder if he still has dreams of me sitting on his face…..
chicken fucker.
*****STORY UPDATE******
I ran into this guy at the Boom Boom Room and he ran up to me and asked why I never returned his calls…..I looked him dead in the eye and said “because you texted me about how you where masturbating about me sitting on your face,” ahhhhhhh, the truth…truly the best thing to say.
He then says he was drunk, he is sorry, and can he take me out again to make up for it…
Tee hee hee.

Date C
I met a man who should have been high fiving himself that he had me…and I was really gaga over him. So my broke ass rented a car to go and see him, he said if I got the rental car he would pay for the rest. (Money is not that important to me, but like I have said before, I have 6 jobs, im broke, im looking for a man who sees how hard I work and wants to make my life easier…and I AM NOT looking to take care of someone else financially, I have a hard enough time dealing with me.) The whole time he was courting me, the guy was telling me how he would love to take me out to nice dinners. So I get up to Humboldt where homie lives, and all he does is tell me how honored I should feel cause I am going out with one of the Humboldt big boys…(um I really had to break it to him, I lived in Humboldt 12 years ago, just cause he had a job and grew pot does not make you a big deal. Pot growers from small towns crack me the fuck up. Its California, we are all gay and we all grow pot…it’s the water.) He then asked if my friends and I wanted to go out to dinner, he has a shit ton of money, my friends and I don’t…he made us pay for our dinner and even got his friend to pay for his, in fact the whole weekend he got his friends to pay for his shit…I realized he is one cheap ding dong….then we went out and he walked up to me at the bar and said, “you gonna buy me a beer”…
I asked him if he was going to buy anything.

A date is something special. I have always said, a guy has to treat me as good as I treat my self.

A. Dinner (and yes you should pay)
B. you really want to impress me, a pre-dinner glass of champagne at a nice place.
(****note if you skip this I will simply order a glass of sparkling as an appetizer****)
C.Dessert is always nice to share. Or if nothing looks good, go for a walk around a find a pace to have dessert (any if the lady offers to pay, don’t let her, but a good lady should offer. A good man should not except…trust me we put our money in)
Ie…who gets you coffee in bed each morning and a snack, who pampers you, yeah…at least I do, and yes I EXPECT TO BE PAMPERED TO.)
I actually don’t like to take a date to the Boom Boom Room for dancing til Im serious, that’s my home turf. …so that’s good…after C. if you take me home, you might get a kiss…im a base girl (first date, first base), I like to take it slow, and if I don’t…I think in the back of my mind I know its not going to work but a girl needs some lovin from time to time..totally.
But a guy has got to do t right…and most importantly…it has to end right.
Just because we don’t hump, doesn’t mean we can’t be friends….Just cause I don’t think we flutter right does not mean that we still can’t be civil. Just because you take me out on a drug deal, doesnt mean we cant be friends…☺
Don’t go getting all weird on me…come on, nut up and deal…we can still be chill…you all know Im cool as shit, so if your awkward its you homie.

I guess some guys just really don’t get it. You have to treat a girl like she is a princess, at least a girl like me.

Dance Move of the Week
Hop into the rollercoaster seat, pull the chest guard down, test it, put the seat belt on, pull that shit tight, get excited…now up the steep incline you go, look from side to side as you are tilted back…oh here it comes, the top, down you go, ARMS IN THE AIR, scream, move from side to side arms in the air….seatbelts on.

Monday, February 14, 2011

blog 6...swimming, valentin'e day thoughts & toilet seat covers

Blog 6… Swimming, Valentine’s day thoughts & toilet seat covers

Dance Move of the Week:
Swimming with a Shark option (friend needed)
Alright so start with some BREAST STROKE action…than into the really having fun now, plug your nose and one hand in the air, shake It on down now, go back into the BREAST STROKE…want to get interacting..have a friend who knows the dance start coming from afar with their two hands traingled on top of their head as the shark fin…you start swimming faster (this is no time for shaking it on down now) then as the shark is upon you, the shark’s two arms go into biting mode…big bites, swimmer is going down…unless,
if you have more friends around that know what is going on you can continue into the shark hunter dance and so forth…..anyhoo.

Dude…how much does valentine’s day suck…totally
I think today makes more people depressed than most other days…
Well snap the fuck out of it
(I totally have to tell myself this to)
You don’t have a partner, or if you do and they are being a total ding dong…fuck it, lets remember some key things together.

A. We should tell everyone that we love that we love them all the fucking time and that they are awesomeness times 10. A day is not enough. Do that shit tomorrow and the next day to. You in a dark place, bring some love into that bitch, and feel the light that comes from it. Whether you are in a relationship or you just have friends, it is important to tell people that they bring joy to our lives and we are blessed to have them in it. Who does not want to be told they are get off your ass and go tell someone right now damm it. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t forget to tell yourself that you are awesomeness. That shit is important to. You got to learn to forgive yourself for not being perfect…it makes life wayyyyyyyyy easier, that being said you also got to forgive others. It is the greatest gift we can give each other.

B. You have to learn how to face the people that you hurt so they can forgive you. I go to the Boom boom Room all the time. I went out with this singer guy for a short bit and I realized that we would not flutter well together, not that he is not awesomeness, he is…
we are all AWESOMENESS,
in our own way, but just the way we meshed would not make me happy times 10…and I wasted to much of my life in relationships that weren’t exactly what I wanted, why waste anymore. When I first broke up with him he was MAD, and it was really tough, not only that, I would see him at least once a week performing at he Boom boom Room… AKWARD.
..totally. But I always made it clear that he was awesome and that I wanted to be friends and that I thought he was great at what he does, because he is. Well we have finally reached that point where we miss each other’s friendship enough to put that shit behind us and really be friends, how awesome is that. Sometimes you just have to keep diving into uncomfortable positions to finally realize you just have to get over that shit..
Let’s be honest anyway..

C. Breakups are never easy
There are two sides to each story, and your’s is never the complete story. Who acts proper all the time in a breakup..nobody. Our heart is hurt and we are crushed and upset and we don’t always think right. One thing I have learned is that we can never judge someone on how they act during a breakup…and not only that, we should learn from break ups…so if we learn after we act like a ding dong…are we a chicken a ding dong.

We are all awesomeness. We all have our faults, we all have our attributes..and some people rub one person softly and another is just how we as a people blend

D. Sometimes we can not love each other the way that we need to be loved. This is something had to learn, and it has taken me though many relationships. Remember, we are all awesomeness..but a relationship should be a mesh.. A blend of how you tend to your mate and how they tend to you, (or your friends for that matter) so that no one feels like they are taking away from themselves. You have to be compadable in your in the same way, or else neither one of you is ever going to be truly happy. So why waste time, why not be truly happy..why not just realize that there is something that connects you but that if you are in a relationship you are going to ruin what could be a most awesome friendship. Its not hard to see this, one just has to be realistic.

On a whole different note …check this shit out,
Totally…I was in Ashville for some time, and let me tell you, not one bathroom had toilet seat covers, what the fuck is up with that shit….I’m all about protecting my ass. Do you all in Ashville not sit on the seats, do you all just squat, I’m freaking confused. What if a princess needs a paper cowboy hat…totally….a girl is just saying…

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Blog 5: They took a tenderloin princess out of the loin...what where they thinking.

I know, I know...I was going to write about my dating diaries, but my cute ass left the tenderloin…and first things first.

Thought One
Remember that Southwest shit, “friends fly free” what the hell has happened peeps….Flying used to be so much better...peanuts, maybe even a cookie, I could fit a quarter pound of herb in my bra, I could bring water…they gave out pillows...
YOU CHEAP BASTARDS NOW CHARGE MORE AND I DON’T GET SHIT….and you want to charge me for my luggage…FUCK YOU, its not like they all of a sudden had to build new planes with space for luggage, that shit has been there all along..for luggage….
chicken fuckers.
That being said..there is nothing like soaring above the clouds, seeing how small everything really is, and the sun setting in red rose hues as far as your eye can is simply breathtaking.
(***please note*** it would be even more awesomeness if I could have a glass of wine (sutter home does not count as wine peeps) and a joint while watching this most awesome sunset…a girl is just saying)

Thought Two
I don’t have kids so this thought appeals to me….Can we give valium to the kids on an least for flights over 2 hours..we did just get charged for our luggage, the least you all can do is make the flight peaceful..Im sure everyone will benefit from this…how awesome are kids when they are well rested? Isn’t that a way better way to start your trip….Are the pills to much? How bout some “special” brownies…and if you don’t want to give it to the kids, can I have one..two….

A small town is a small town and it is not anything like my city. I think most importantly, San Francisco is my home, it is where I was born and raised, my parents still live in the same house I grew up in. San Francisco is where my heart is and where it will if I could move to Paris we could talk. But I’ve done and did that small town thing, and I don’t want to rewind. I see the appeal, I really do, but for me personally, I just am better of in a city for some key reasons.
A. I can walk most places I need to go. I love that about the city, or bus, or cab or whatever. In small towns, you want to do anything, you gotta drive....booooo. Okay city living might be more expensive, but if you live in a centrally located place like the tenderloin, and don’t need a much money am I saving..I can put that towards rent..and live in this most awesome city.
Also, I feel like with driving, I’d get in trouble...walking is so much less responsibility, Drivng..and my lifestyle..why bother.
B. I guess I feel in small towns in general I would get in more trouble..The city is filled with some crazy ass mother fuckers…ain’t no one going to look at me twice cause of how I’m dressed or what I’m doing….much better situation for sunny…totally.
C. Small towns have ONE cab company…I don’t have a car…how the hell is this going to work out for my nights of debachary (did I mention the city also has 24 hour public transportation.)
D. Okay the Tenderloin smells like all have stink bugs..that shit equals out to me.
E. San Francisco has real Chinese Food..not that fake shit(ketchup with eggrolls, hell no) and Indian, and Ethiopian and well everything.
F. Shit in the city is open way late, at 9pm the streets don’t have tumble weeds rolling down them.
G. Okay the small towns are cute and all, but my city has culture. I have met so many people from so many walks of life…I feel a majority of small towns are one sided in ethnicity..and it makes people stay in there box more. I get to step out in the city and be surrounded by people from all over the world..culture baby, culture.
H. The music, the music, the music….oh the music. There are so many shows going on every night you can spin in a circle and no matter where you land there is music everywhere..sweet music.
Ahhhhh, happy sigh.
I. There are hills in the city for my butt walks…how the hell can I work on my cute ass when there are no hills…a girl’s ass has got to look good.
J. Yes, Yes…the mountains are most awesomeness, and I do miss them (I gotta drive to them though) But I have skyscrapers and the views are just as incredible, you have trees, I have sparkling lights and water on three sides..I have bridges and a coastline…Mountains are beautiful…but one is not better than the other… still got to remember to hold on.

I guess what I’m trying to say, is with San Francisco by my side, I might get back alive…
from my next vacation….

I love you city by the bay..
times 10

So maybe small towns are good for you, but for me I will take a city any day…I guess I’m just a city girl.

Dance Move of the Week
All this talk of home has made me go old school
…Start driving, (think Otto on SIMPSONS driving)..turn into the stop, open the door, put your hand up to stop the peeps from rushing the bus, a lot of people forget about letting the people off the bus first. Wave the people off, alright, now we can start to load, wave those people on…hand out the transfers…close the doors, yell at the kids, and start turning that wheel into ‘Otto’ drive…totally.