Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Blog 85: Getting Picked Up in the Dirty (Crackhead Pick Up Lines...Part II)

Blog 85: Getting Picked Up in the Dirty (Crackhead Pick Up Lines…Part II)

Crackhead Pick Up Lines Part I is Blog 37.

“I have never seen Peanut Butter look soooooooo smooth!”

Yup…this totally set the bar high for Part II, cause that is a mother fucking pick up line right there peeps…and that dress is now know as “The Peanut Butter Dress” and every time I wear it I go looking for people dressed like Jelly and have an odd hankering for a glass of milk…

“In case of a Tidal Wave, I wanna hold on to That!”

Ohhhhhhhhh, my yoga pants…they sure do get a reaction…that being said, we do live in a Tidal Wave Zone and I totally understand the crackheads wanting to have an escape route all planned out incase of emergences…one has got to be prepared.

“Do you want some Candy?”

Yo bro…I don’t know where the fuck you have been, but my mommy has been telling me since I can remember not to take candy from a stranger, let alone a vile red and white restaurant mint from a homie on the corner of Turk and Eddy who also offered me some oxy…and just so everyone knows…in my opinion those mints are not candy!...They are a breath freshener…just saying.

“Wanna Come In?”

Am I pulling the Princess Card saying no to hanging in a cardboard box on 8th & Market…realistically though…come on!...furthermore, you are going to have to get a full size refrigerator box for my ass to be able to fit in to, and even then…I am never…ever…ever…EVER…going to go on a date in a putrid smelling box on the street…(now if it was a crystal-sparkle box that was two feet off the ground and had unicorns that shit rainbows in it and provided me with dank pot to smoke, we could talk.)

[Sunny side note: Speaking of BOXES…
My friend and I were walking home from my work and we saw a mom letting her two kids play in a large box on the corner where the smell of urine knocked me over…I’m not a mom…and I don’t like to judge…but really…a box…on the side of the street…underneath the bridge…the thoughts “bug highway” and "there is not enough soap in the world" came to mind.]

“I want to reach both Hands in to find the Treasure!”

Owwwwwwwww to the mother fucking owwwwwwwwwwwww…and for the love of all that is holy do not be telling me that when you have some crusty-dirty-nasty hands and nails…I am a freaking clean and good smelling princess with hints of roses! OMG I need to go shower just thinking about this…
Mind still not clean…mind still not clean….ewwwwwwwwwwwww.

Ain’t nothing says a pick up line like a crackhead telling you that “You are one hot Bitch!” when he is holding his dick in his hand and pissing in between two cars…way to warm my motor hot stuff!

“I want to spread your cheeks and lick your asshole up and down…”

Well…I…WHOA…this one totally might have encouraged this blog! HOLY SHIT!...What was the craziest part about this one (fuck it…it was all crazy!)…was that the crackhead totally ninja-ed me…and I am pretty on my toes in the Loin…but out of no where this dude comes up behind me and whispers this into my ear as I am waiting for the light to change…I jumped like 5 feet and drew my corkscrew…cause let’s be honest…if you are willing to say that shit to a total stranger in the street, who knows where your mouth has been…gross times infinity to the power of gross…

The midget hooker told me last night that her and her pimp wanted to have a threesome with me…while I politely turned her down…it was a “small” ego boost…I mean the visuals in my mind were hilarious…and the phrase, “It’s spinning baby…it’s spinning” kept repeating itself over and over in my head.

“Woman…that Ass could stop a leak in a Dam!”

I am planning a trip to Yosemite with the family soon, so when I am by Hetch Hetchy Dam…if shit goes down…I will point to my ass and say, “Have no fear…problem solved…Bitches!” I knew that shit would come in handy for something sooner or later.

“I wanna make under that Dress my Home”

Would I be able to charge rent for that shit?...I’m just curious…that totally would not work for me…how am I suppose to walk around the town and boogie when I got a crackhead living between my legs…even the midget hooker would cramp my style…

“I could lick your pussy for 24 hours straight!”

Wellllllllllllllllllll, if unicorns really did shit rainbows…wow…totally…

I must say though…as of late…the crackhead pick up lines have been better than the ones I get when I am out…I actually had a guy ask me how the Olympics were at The Boom Boom Room the other night…and when I gave him my, “What the fuck just crapped out of your mouth” face, he replied with, “Cause honey, with those shoulders you have got to be a gold-medal swimmer.” I’m still fucking confused on that one…at least he didn’t ask to sniff my hair…

I wouldn’t blame him if he did though…I have learned to simply accept it…I am a cute-good smelling-sparkly princess…and getting crazy ass pick up lines, comes with the territory…

And cracks me the fuck up as well…totally!

Tenderloin…while you gross me out and can smell rank as hell, you truly do amuse and distract…and sometimes when I question why I am here, you just put the silliest smile on my face…cause really…I hear some crazy fucking shit!

And I love it! (Even though it grosses me the fuck out!)



Oh, to have a dishwasher…those were the days…
Start by opening the door to the dishwasher, now pull out the bottom rack…start to scrape off your plates…maybe give them a rinse off…ohhhh, there is that one…with the sauce…you got to scrub that a little bit…ohhhh, a little more…got all your plates in…let’s do some silverware…loads that shit in…I like to organize my knifes in one section, spoons in another and so forth…now it is glass time…damm…the mint from mojitos sure do stick to the glasses…give it a little finger nail action…you got it!...now put the racks back…open the soap container and pour some in…close that baby up and press start…that was a good chore…you have earned yourself a joint…totally!

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