Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Blog 57...Being Alone

Blog 57...Being Alone

I don’t remember the last Christmas that I did not get a little sad, where crawling in bed alone did not leave a soft sting. The chill of loneliness lingers longer on Christmas, more so than most other days, the memories of different times swirl in my head...like visions of sugarplums and gingerbread.

Christmas is like the Alpha and the Omega of my relationship with my ex-husband, it is not only when I decided to leave him, but also when he asked me to marry him, many years ago.

The hurt and forsaken side of me longs to feel a partner’s warmth on a morning that holds more to me than I can even comprehend.

And the reality of isolation broods in my mind longer than usual, like the fog sitting on the water, biding its time for the dawn to break so it can creep ashore and dash the light.

And I pray for the clouds to part, for the sun to pour its warmth on my shoulders and tickle the back of my neck.

Yet I am not alone.

I must shift my mindset out of this notion of solitude.

I have the best family in the world...times 11, I have friends that adore me, as I do them...and I have me...and I love me...what more could a princess ask for...

Maybe the loneliness is just something I need to nut up and get over.

Maybe the loneliness is a shield that I put up to protect myself from the possibility of getting broken again.

Maybe it is I who is keeping everyone out.

Maybe I have become so accustomed to being alone that it has become the only thing that I know, the blanket that doesn’t keep you warm but brings the most comfort.

Maybe a lot of things.

The fact of the matter is that even in my marriage I felt alone...that even when I am with others, I feel alone.

I think a lot of us do.

I think I am just really scared to let go of this feeling of being alone.

And I don’t know why...

Why do I feel alone?

When I am so surrounded by love.

Is it because I like it?

A lot of times, when with others, I long to be alone, for the elegance of the quiet, for the moments to truly ponder the thoughts in my head.

Then again, maybe I just ponder shit to fucking much.

Maybe I feel alone cause I keep telling myself that I am.

Maybe if I walk around like one of those ding dongs that talk to themselves going “I am not alone, I am not alone” the feeling will slowly vanish, or I’ll become known as the chick that talks to herself using positive affirmations...which might not be the best for my reputation.

Maybe I just need to shift...shift to not feeling alone...to accepting the fact that I am loved.

That it doesn’t matter who loves me, or whether they hold me at night, and whether it comes from one person or twelve, or just from me, the fact that love is coming my way means I am not alone...

Maybe me being alone or lonely disables me from putting the love out there in order for it to come back.

Me being alone lies in my own hands...

And if you feel alone maybe you should look in the mirror...and think why.

Maybe it is not everybody else’s fault...but your own...my own.

Maybe in stepping away from the feeling of “being alone”...we open ourselves up to the notion of not...what if it is really that easy?

For me, it is worth a shot.


(Have you ever been to one of those shows with a bunch of “show newbies” you know what I am talking about, the front is not crowded at all but the back is and people aren’t even standing right, they are cluttered and crowded in odd packs with no space for people to get around, but if everyone shifted one way or the other like 5 inches, everyone would have plenty of space...this move is for one of those shows...)


First off, if you going to be blazing a trail, you best start off by lighting your joint, once you got it going grab your imaginary machete (please note: DO NOT BRING YOUR REAL MACHETE TO THE SHOW...that is not okay) All right, puff, puff and walk swinging your machete and making room for your friends to follow your path, you can stop for a second and assess your surroundings, maybe pass the joint to the person to the left...quietly mention that if he moved 5 inches over he would have a bunch more room...amazing right...ohh, you see a clearing ahead, towards the front, grab your joint back and start your puffing and machete swinging until you have gotten to your spot...than you can stop swinging your arm around like crazy (people might think you are a little nuts...)

Monday, December 19, 2011

Blog 56: Walking Away (Walking the Walk Part II)

Blog 56: Walking Away (Walking the Walk Part II)

Walking the Walk Part I, is Blog 26 and one of my favorites.

The Christmas season marks a hard time of year for me, it was three years ago that I decided to leave my ex-husband...three years ago I found a strength I never knew I had.

I walked away, from my life, from my friends, my business, my marriage, my house...pretty much everything I thought my life to be, I turned my back on and began marching to a tune I did not know existed.

For awhile I tried to hold on to the things I thought made me happy, I tried to keep the friends that my ex and I shared, I tried to salvage my house in order to repay my parents, I tried to keep my life that I had put so much effort into.

And it was a wasted effort.

What we think makes us happy today, might not make us happy tomorrow.

One fight with my ex-husband, I told him, “You can have our friends, I don’t want them.” I didn’t want to deal with having to hear about him and having him get mad when hearing about me and what I was doing.

I walked away.

The friends that were really my friends, I still talk to...I just gave it time.

My dad told me when I first tried to save my house, “Don’t bother, just walk away, it’s too much, so what if we lose some money, money is not worth the heartache and the hardships you will go through, and right now, you need to heal”...I tried to prove him wrong, alas I was wrong. I walked away from my house and had it foreclosed...the stress of trying to do it all by myself was too great of a burden for my shoulders that had grown weak from the battles I was in the process of fighting.

My parents begged me to move back to San Francisco, and for a while I simply fought, not wanting to admit my failure, not willing to lose everything, not able to let go...

But a downward spiral does not spin up, you simply have to jump ship...acknowledge your loses and move on.

And the life that I held on to, that I fought so hard to keep...pales in comparison to my existence today.

Walking away takes bravery, valor, fearlessness and a whole lotta guts.

All words I would feel honored to have describe me.

I was so scared of starting over, of having nothing, of being alone...yet as I have written before...fear is consuming, it overtakes you...

But I found the strength, and from that my eyes have been opened.

I can tell you, walking away is the toughest thing I have ever done in my life, and one of the few things, I constantly reap the benefits of.

This particular blog was inspired not by the time of year, but by a friend that I have, who needs to find her inner light again...an ill-minded man has exhausted her fire...I have witnessed my friend slip away, and as she moaned to me on the phone yesterday I just kept on repeating...”Just walk away, walk away.” And I fear for her safety if she does not walk away, I am scared that this man will bring her down more than he already has, as I know she fears as well.

As she lamented to me, as she had so many times before, I finished with, “You need to stop talking the talk, and start walking the walk, because now that you have yourself acknowledged that he is so wrong and is taking your life in a direction you do not want it to go, if you let him continue or if you get hurt, it is just as much your fault as it is his.”

And just as she must march away, I must as well, for I have said my peace, my feelings have been stated, and if she cannot find her inner strength, then I guess, she still has more lessons to learn, and I am not one to stand in the way of that.

I can only hope and pray that she sees the luminous light of the unknown, the whimsical mystery of forging a path you never thought you would have to take.

And not all things you can walk away from, but when you find yourself lost, scared, not knowing what you have become, one must turn around and go in a new direction and do what you can to stay true to you.

The things you walk away from, if they were really suppose to be in your life, they will follow, and if you don’t like the new road you are taking, get off at the next exit, find a different route, just don’t keep going the wrong way.

And if you don’t know which way is wrong or right, just start walking, the path will unfold right in front of you...

Happy Holidays, may you all walk in the direction that makes you fucking happy.



I love presents, and love the surprise that comes with them...

Start by giving the box a little shake, what could it possibly be, untie the ribbon with gusto, and rip that paper off (do not try to save the paper, you aren’t ever going to get around to really reusing it...come on) and lift up the girt so you can get a good look, ohhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh, it is exactly what you wanted, open that box up...stupid tape always gets in the way, and tissue paper...damm, finally you see the gift, a big smile comes on your face and pull that baby out for everyone to see...awesomeness.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Blog 55... Reality Keeps Slapping Me in the Face...

Blog 55...Reality Keeps Slapping Me in the Face...

As Reality slapped me in the face this morning, I turned the other cheek. In rotating my head I realized the other side still stung from previous slaps. And for a moment I sat still, head in my hands, trying to numb the pain but coming to terms with fact that I might as well get used to the pain...for I have never heard of reality placing a soft kiss...

As I flew home yesterday from a well-rounded vacation, a man behind me was bitching about how hard life was to the stranger next to him and she replied with, “Well it only gets harder.”

He retorted, “Aren’t you suppose to say it only gets Easier.”

I could mentally envision her smiling as she came back with, “No it only gets harder, people will lie and tell you it gets easier, they are wrong, it just gets harder, so you might as well embrace it, and deal with it, you have no other choice.”

“That is not the answer I wanted to hear” the young man stammered.

“Life doesn’t give you the answer you want to hear, that is why it is life and not a fairytale...the sooner you realize that...the sooner you can just surrender to the hardships and come to terms with simply doing the best you can to be happy and to bounce back from all the problems...it doesn’t get easier...you just learn to deal with crap better.”

As I turned around and tried to sneak a glance of the Yoda behind me...a knowing smirk spread across my face, and even though this advice was meant for someone else...I knew the voice behind the chair was talking to me.

It was a notion I must come to terms with.

And one I had witnessed so many times before and continue to do so on a daily basis.

In fairytale land you don’t have to deal with the consequences of other people’s emotions, issues and mistakes, you only have your own (which is hard enough to deal with) but in real life things constantly come at you that you have no control over, that you must simply ride out and go from there...

There are times where you are put in situations that you didn’t put yourself in, you just open your eyes and you are in a new place, lost with no direction...and you have to make a decision on which way to walk...embrace your choice, not look back and come to terms with the fact that you will not be walking a straight line.

And that is the reality of life.

Things never go as planned...it never works out the way it does in the song...

And as I am reminded yet again of this fact...It came to me that reality giving me a blow to the face this morning was probably a great thing...

For I was going to compromise my happiness in the current moment for something that I thought would make me happy.

And looking back on my life the things I thought would bring me satisfaction, rarely did...yet the times in my life where I have simply lived, and did what makes me happy on a day to day basis are times where I have felt fulfilled.

And I am not the conforming type, that I know does not make me happy, and why it took reality slapping me in the face to realize that I have no idea...

What makes me happy is my family and my city...my kingdom.

This is who I am, and I might as well embrace it and make it work to the best of my abilities, and enjoy ever fucking moment of it...the good, the bad, the ugly...I might as well enjoy the path I have chosen to take...a footway I began a long time ago.

Things don’t work out, because they weren’t suppose to.

And I must simply take from it what I have learned.

I have learned to stay true to me...that money, people, life...it is all going to let you down...but if you are good with you...none of that matters.

And Reality...I hope you have learned, that you can go ahead and slap me...I am however a native San Franciscan and I princess no less, so I am going to punch you back, dead in the eye...and in between each blow I dish out and receive...I will not only do a little dance, but look damm good the entire time.




This is for moments at a show when it has gotten really dirty (I usually have put my hat on by this point) They keep throwing the good licks at you and you just want more...

So stance yourself out, I personally line my feet up with my knees, bend them a little and put my feet at 2 o’clock and 7. I make my hands into tight fists and bend my elbows bringing my forearms in front of me for some protection...

As the dirty licks start...jab, then swivel to the right avoiding the punch, go into protective stance and then jab again, throwing in a left upper cut, and then, take a punch (man that was a mean lick...I think he just played it with his teeth) don’t stop fighting, cause when you stop so does the music...and where is the fun in that.