Monday, June 27, 2011

Blog 32.........Are you Lucky or just Dumb........

Blog 32……………Are you Lucky or just Dumb……………

I read a story when I was young, I forgot what it was called or who the fuck wrote it, but it was about a society that was a utopia. Everything was awesomeness times 11, except for the fact that in order for everything to be so awesome, this one boy had to be locked up in a cage in a room, and as long as he was locked up and in pain, everything would be groovy for everyone else.

Sounds fucked up, right, and yet isn’t that life.

As I was a passenger in a car riding home from the Harmony Festival late night a few weeks ago, we passed a car that had been pulled over by the cops………and while I felt sad for the people that the cops were ticketing, part of my head thought, “I’m glad they got them and not me.”

Now I am well aware that it was rude as fuck for me to have thought that, but I am simply being honest here peeps.

I mean, were we just lucky, and the other person dumb……or was it our turn to be lucky and the next time it will be the guy pulled over who drives on by.

Were we pushing or luck? Isn’t life about pushing your luck……… And when you fail, are you simply living or just dumb?

I feel that I am a lucky ass person, I mean, some peeps are way luckier than I am, ummmmm....those who get to travel around the world, those in a great relationship, those who don’t count dollars to get morning tea, those with their dream job who didn’t waste years of their life trying to make some else’s dream job happen……………you all are lucky as fuck.

And I am lucky as fuck……I am an awesome & beautiful woman that actually realizes and sees that in myself, I live in a most wonderful city times 10, I am blessed to have the greatest family a girl could ever imagine to ask for and be witness to the phenomenal relationship my parents have (which kinda screws me for relationships because theirs is really that freakin awesome……….or am I just dumb cause I look at it like that) and OMG...have you seen my ass……that has got to be some luck baby.

I guess the reality of the situation is that we are all lucky as fuck………we are breathing, we have each other, we are obviously some what well off enough that we are reading this off a computer or some fancy ass phone that I personally have no idea how to use………how can we not be lucky.

When did things stop being lucky and start being dumb.
“I was lucky enough to wake up this morning”
“I woke up this morning”
“Can you believe my dumb ass woke up this morning”

I guess it is how you look at it…………

Maybe everything is both luck and idiocy rolled into one.

-I was DUMB enough to leave a relationship I had worked on for 10 years to think I deserved better instead of sticking it through and growing something life lasting.
-I was LUCKY enough to find the strength to leave a relationship that I was unhappy in and am blessed to be able to now live my life in the way I want and see fit and not anyone else’s ideologies.

-My DUMB ass has never been so lonely and introverted.
-My LUCKY ass had never felt more happy, beautiful or confident.

-Can you believe my DUMB ass lives in the Tenderloin, where I see on average Crack being smoked 25 times a day, get over 30 cat calls a day and have to walk around with a corkscrew out at night.
-Can you believe my LUCKY ass lives in the Tenderloin, where I am surrounded by over 25 art studios and over 30 restaurants (at least,) where I can pretty much walk to any part of this wonderful city and see all that it has to offer. And that unlike a lot of people, when I say, I live in the City....I fucking mean it.

We all have to be Dumb in order to be Lucky, we all have to be dumb to learn. And learning helps us not to “push” our luck, which in turn helps shift our luck in the right direction.

Is there such a thing as “dumb luck” or is it just the universe going……

”Shit Happens”

or as my amazing father says……”Shift Happens”



So ladies and gentlemen get your groove going, lean a little to the left, and shake it on down now, have you started to feel the beat, now just as you are about to hit the Sherlock………SOME CRAZY ASS FUCKING SHIT HAPPENS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU………stop mid-dance move, drop your mouth wide open, point……turn to the person next to you, did they see that………start explaining, you can't even talk, wow……I sometimes have to put both my hands on my knees to really absorb what I saw, shake it off……maybe hash on the pipe will help you comprehend, big hit time…………but remember peeps, this is life, so we got to keep on dancing, another hit....lean to the right, start to feel the beat again, and shake it on down now………………

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Blog 31.....Adventures of a CHODE HUNTER (part one)


As a man pushed past me knocking me to the side, and them bum rushed the door, slamming it in my face……………a thought came to mind…………”What a Chode.”

The Basic Definitions you will need to know while reading these adventures are as follows, (more will come in later parts)

What Defines a Chode:
A chode is a dude that has way passed chicken fucker status. He is rude, neanderthalish, a dumb ass, has no social skills, tends to have bad breath, and thinks all of this makes him the shit……About 75% of chodes have a good amount of money and think that makes it okay for them to be a chode-meister………… [chode-meister = ultimate chode] an example of the ultimate code is when a chode with a wedding ring tells you he is planning on fucking someone tonight and looks at you.
Insider tip: Chodes tend to have the “huhhhh” look on their face as well as their bottom lip slightly hangs down.

What is a Chode Hunter:
I am a Chode Hunter, out to give “chode stamps” to all who are guilty. I walk the streets either by myself or with my ladies, dressed in sparkle chode attractors and from time to time with glow in the dark/color changing light sabers (please note: if you are trying to be a first time chode hunter, the light saber is for a level 5 hunter, be warned, light sabers tend to attract serious amounts of chodes, even chodes in training, especially if you and your girlfriend go into the “W” hotel during a computer developer convention……………from one hunter to another, that was scary for me, and I am a level 7 chode hunter)

What is a Chode Stamp:
A Chode Stamp is what a hunter throws down on one she has discovered to be a chode. For example, while at the “W” with said girlfriend and said light saber, a man walked up to me, put his drink down that had a wedge of orange in it, and asked me, “Does this look like a vagina.”
A mental chode stamp went directly in the middle of his forehead.

Chode Ratings:
Chode Ratings are what you give out to chodes to let them know they are a dumb ass. I do them in multiple of 10. Aka………”he is a chode times 10”…………….”No, No, No, he is a chode times 30.”

Now are you getting the drift……….

Well Let’s Rate Some Chodes.

Encounter One
I had gone out on what I had considered a bad date with a man I still have hopes is somewhat wonderful….but, I think he needs to deal with his “inner chode” ...Not only did he show up to our first date drunk, but he brought his daughter to the second half………………ummmm, should I bring my mom to the second date so we can all go bowling together………anyhoo, I explained to him my issues with the first date, he seemed to understand, and apologized for being drunk……my next encounter with him was at the Boom Boom Room where he tried to get me to go in a back room with him, after telling me he had been hanging with 30 girls in a hot tub…………………out came the mental “chode stamp” he apologized later for being drunk, at this point I just want to see if he can not be all perved out around me……… I am a princess, I do not go into a back room with a dude that has taken me on one bad date………again, does this chode think that he can act like this cause he plays music………………wellllllll, he won’t be playing me, that is for damm sure.

Chode Rating…… times 50 (I do not fuck random dudes in a back room)

Encounter Two
This involves a Chode Sticker………a chode sticker is a guy that bugs you no matter how much you try to maneuver away from him. I try to be slick when getting away from chodes for a couple reasons……they seem to want to follow you more if they notice that you are obvious about avoiding them, and they also make you explain why you are avoiding them, and welllll, I always try to be nice, so I really try to avoid the “chode chatter.” There is one chode sticker I see at quite a bit of shows, and he has started to cross the line, he is really bad when he is drunk. He grabs me from behind and pulls me close (I still have yet to remember his name) he puts his arms around me and rubs me with his sweat, he grabs both my forearms, to the point where for two weeks I was kicking a bruise he had left me. Men, do not bruise the ladies, that is not winning you any points, and if a lady says “stop grabbing me” I would listen. Cause the next time I see this chode-meister, I might have my light saber, in that case, he is going to get whomped with a large glow stick. This chode also comes up to me almost every show and goes, “you don’t remember me” I assure him I do, and he sees the look on my face, but I think he is to dense to get it, I remember him for all the wrong reasons.

Chode Rating…… Times 70 (you bruised me bitch)

Encounter Three
The chode is a friend of a friend, so unfortunately I have to encounter him quite often. I also know that he is going through a hard time after separating from his wife of a couple decades, and I have faith his “chode status” will be lowered. That being said……he is still in the “I am as horny as all the men in the world combined and will ask every person in the world if they want me to fuck them and then mention I have a shit ton of money even though I never breathe when I talk and keep on talking a million miles a minute cause I am on a serious copia of drugs.” Did I mention he lacks teeth. But come the fuck on, don’t ask me if I know any “easy friends that want to get fucked, HARD”……………How the Hell do I answer that one, talk about making a girl uncomfortable. I want to be able to introduce my friends to my other friends, I don’t feel comfortable if I do that and you plan on asking them to have “dirty-hard-sex” right off the bat. That is not making me look like a good friend………and I, am a good fucking friend.

Chode Rating…… Times 60 (I’m giving him some slack because he is going through a tough time.)

And trust me Ladies and Gentlemen, there have been many more ‘chode encounters’ these are the ones that first came to mind. I have them at least 3 times a day…….sometimes it is rough being a princess.

So protect yourself, have a light saber, or a whistle, or a kazoo, so you can sound the alarm and warn other ladies as well……”Chode-Meisters in the house” Ladies, we have got to help each other out.

And I will walk the streets of this city by the bay, light saber in one hand, chode stamp in the other, ready to defend my princess self against all that chodishness…………

Wish me the best of luck, I will need it.



Now the first part of this dance move is keeping your eye out. Because the reality of the situation is it is not that hard to spot a chode, especially when they are intoxicated, so don’t get lost in your own bubble, it might get popped by a ‘chode wanderer’
So, chode stumbles up to you and you spin, dancing away, you can do the LAWNMOWER DANCE MOVE to get some distance. He is still following, PENGUIN DANCE MOVE it to the front, now shake your ass through the crowd, grabbing the joint offered to you and duck in your cloud of smoke…..SWIM DANCE MOVE at a 45 degree angle from the direction you were headed, breast stroking into a small pocket……it is good to tread some water now, look around, you are safe, and damm, did you just end up with a joint……awesomeness.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Blog 30......Ending 30 at 30

Blog 30.....Ending 30 at 30.

These next few days note the end of my year at 30, and ohhhhhh, what a year it has been.

When I had turned 29, I had recently left my ex-husband, was homeless, and had just lost my restaurant and was still living in Eugene. I was completely lost...I had smoked crack for like two weeks (don’t worry peeps haven’t touched the stuff since, but like I always say, we all have to fall) I had no confidence in myself as a woman, I thought I needed a man, I cared what other people thought about me, I thought people were cool just cause they grew pot, I really was alone, and very well aware of that fact.

When I turned 30, I had just moved out of my parents house(again) finally landed a some what decent set of jobs in the city, and was starting to realize my powers as a woman. But I still felt that I was lucky if a man liked me, and not the other way around…………oh, how things change.

It is amazing all that can happen in the short time of a year, and how small that year really is in the course of a lifetime.

As I turn 31, I have been out on my OWN for over a year, I have a good set of jobs, I am not alone, and I am as happy I can be, there are times when I am sad, but I make a constant effort to LIVE and that makes me beam.

I believe in the power of “1” so “31”……look the fuck out.

Some Things I have learned this past year……

-It is about the balance.
This year, I have never experienced such pain, loneliness, and mind-numbing-aching-hollowness…………and I have never experienced such happiness, such pride, such confidence, I never knew I could be this happy. And I know I would not appreciate the highs if the lows did not exist. That I would not know this level of such self-satisfaction could exist if I did not leave my marriage and go through all the pain I went through. All the suffering, the falling and failing, the learning, the tears……………THEY WERE ALL WORTH IT………if I did not fall, I would have never realized my strength, my light, my powers to lift a people……I had to lift myself from the darkness first……and I have succeeded.
How can you see the light, if there is not darkness to contrast.

-I am, one hell of a woman……times infinity.
I spent almost 30 years of my life with no self-confidence, and I cared what other people thought about me, a lot. What a ding dong. I look back and shake my head and wish I could slap the younger me upside the head and call myself a chicken fucker……totally. I used to feel blessed if a man liked me, and thought most of the time, that it was enough. I used to be embarrassed when I said something stupid, or accidentally fucked up…………Now, I really don’t care. I think a man is damm fucking lucky to have a woman like me in their fucking life, and they need to recognize, and if they don’t, well………to bad for them, damm it. I’m still going to rock me out.
And there are many a man out there that would be damm happy to even be able to think about having a woman with my stature and grace. (I might cuss, but I am an elegant mother fucker) And we all make a fool out of ourselves, I for example always tend to trip on nothing on the sidewalk only in front of people, never when no one is watching. But, I am pretty sure, that happens to everybody, so fuck it. Fuck making a fool out of yourself, just cough it up to you being part of someone’s free TV and roll with it.

-I am a Princess.
I didn’t get it till this year. I thought I was just really weird (I actually am totally really weird, but I am also really a princess) I don’t think I understood how to channel my light, and this year I slowly learned……I don’t think I really got it until recent months. In the past few months I have felt my soul quiet, my pace has slowed, my parting dulled (I still constantly groove, and psychedelics are still my best friend, but that is pretty much it) I am starting to come to terms with my powers of positivity, I feel different when I walk down the street. I feel my light hitting people as I walk by and feel them being affected by the positivity and love that oozes out of me. Sometimes I forget and get lost in my own world and when I spin out I have to check myself, because we all really do affect each other and we have to be aware of that whether we like it or not.
And it is not easy being a princess, but it is not easy being anyone…………and this is my path………so I might as well get my self as prepared as possible, knowing that unexpected shit is of course going to happen, and start to walk the walk.

I wait with baited breath for lessons of this new year………and oddly, look forward to the pain, knowing that as my light shines on the darkness a path will emerge………and it will lead me in the right direction.

Happy Birthday to me………times 31.


(This dance involves two people, see even I cannot always be a solo dancer……)

………I prefer to take the navigator position in this dance, only cause in life I really don’t like to drive, but I know we all have to do our share, so if you really want to navigate just let me know.

So the Driver has the easy part…….Put those hands at 10 and 2, you should really only take them off when you have to grab the joint (hey, I don’t condone the smoking and driving, let’s just say I understand it...totally)

Now the Navigator has the map out (this is old school dancing, there is no GPS) now if you navigate like me the map might me upside down for a while, okay, got that fixed, ohhhhh, look at the deer, and grab the wheel, remember if you point out shit to the driver you might distract them and have to play defense with the alignment of the car. Now point to the right Highway sign you just saw, give the driver a high-five……smell it (you don’t have to, that is just my move) grab the joint back, sit back, smile at the driver, take a big hit, smile, exhale…………………look around, and enjoy the ride.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Blog 29... More Lessons on my Path to being a Queen...let's make it to the promise land.

Blog 29...More Lessons on my Path to being a Queen...let’s make it to the promise land.

How many Queens do you run into a day?
This being a blog with “tenderloin” in it, you might be taking this question the wrong way...anyhoo...

I met a Queen last Saturday night, I was at a concert, she walked up and saw my glitter, and asked me to sparkle her. So of course I glittered her chest. Afterwards she took my friend and I all around the concert (turns out, she was married to one of the musicians) and we had a blast. At the end, as we were saying goodbye, she turned to me, looked me dead in the eye and said,

“You are a light, it beams from within you. It is quite obvious that your parents love each other. You truly are their love child. You can tell that you are filled completely with love, it is your job to spread this love that beams out of you.”

My friend said that the woman had nailed me, than asked if I had listened to what she had said, because she couldn’t read the look that was on my face, and she wanted to make sure that I had.

I turned to my friend and assured her that I had taken it all in, and the look wasn’t me not believing, it was me acknowledging her accuracy in explaining me. It was I coming to terms with my destiny, and it was a look of humbled pride across my face.

Pride because my light had shown through.
And this lady was not threatened by me, or my looks, or my boobs, she was secure enough in herself to see a woman as wonderful as her in front of her and embrace it.

I believe this woman to be a Queen.

And it only took two minutes of talking to this lady to realize her royalty, fuck it, you could see it as she walked over, it flowed out of her like water gushes from a breaking dam.

As we walked around the venue I took as many mental notes as I could.

Lesson 1….
We all have a Light within and that shit is powerful.

I know that my light is powerful, we all have a light within us. We just need to pull the bullshit out of the way so that we can let it shine. Our light is our self love beaming through, once we truly love ourselves, and believe we do the best we can, we start to have that same faith in others. It is so much easier when we deal with our own issues and problems first…I feel people are so quick to judge other people and tell them what to do, but the real issue is the man in the mirror….. An example, I believe in the positivity of people, because I believe in the positivity of myself. The more we see the light within, the more obvious others people’s light becomes.

Lesson 2….
We are all Royalty.

That crack head selling on the corner……..a prince, a princess (even the new midget crack head dealer I’ve been seeing around) That random person you walk by on Ellis Street. The man in the 3 piece suit walking outside the Westin, even the silver robot homie he walks past...WE ARE ALL ROYALTY. I just think a bunch of us aren’t aware of our powers and in not realizing our own powers, we fail to realize others as well. We are not aware of what all of us are capable of doing……of the light we hold inside.

When you look at someone and think that they are a prince or a princess or etc….you have an automatic respect for them. It is inherit that we respect royalty………Royalty and Respect go hand in hand. And if we all respected each other and our beliefs and convictions for the simple fact that they are what keeps everyone going…… wellllllllll.

Lesson 3.
Right and Wrong are Intrinsive.

Thou shall not kill...really? we need a burning bush for this one.

Thou shall not shit Sherlock, did you have to pass third grade math to figure this one out. Come the fuck on people, we know when we have done something wrong.

Something truly wrong is when we do some selfish-not-thinking-crap that affects other people. If you just affect yourself, than you can consider it a lesson, you go fucking with other people’s path to righteousness and you are starting to screw the pooch.

We inherently know when we are being rude, or mean, or judgmental, we just become to wrapped up in our own bubble to acknowledge it.

When we fuck someone over, we are aware, don’t play dumb with me bitches……..

So we are all on a path to be a King or Queen, we just have to find it within ourselves and be fucking respectful along the way.

And be aware that no one is perfect, and the more room we give others for mistakes and fuck ups, the more we give ourselves…………and if we all just do the best we can with good intentions………well shit, we can all make it to the Promise Land.

Let’s walk together little children………


The Crocodile.

So this is a great move for working your ways through crowds, however a drink in your hand is not ideal.

Stick your two arms straight out, make teeth with your fingers, now bring your arms and hands together and apart, making the mouth go up and down. After about 10 times, when the mouth is open, stick your head in there and close the mouth, kinda wiggle your head around (gross and owwwwww, the one attached to your neck ding dong) Finally your head is free, and continue with the biting...go crocodile go……

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Blog 28....Paranoia Strikes Deep, Into Your Heart it Will Creep......

Blog 28....Paranoia Strikes Deep, Into Your Heart it Will Creep…………

All right stop hey, what’s that sound, everybody look what’s going down…………….

Have you ever walked through the Tenderloin at 2am in the morning? Did you walk in the TenderNob up on Sutter Street, or did you walk through the dirty dirty? You know where I am talking about, Turk or Eddy, around Taylor or Jones……

Were you scared?


The other week I walked with two other friends through the dirty dirty after a show, they were holding hands kinda crunched together and looking scared, I was two feet ahead, corkscrew out, walking through packs of men 20 plus deep, head up, ready to roll. Parting through the crack heads like an arrow through soft wood. I might have gotten some catcalls but I can guarantee those crack heads would have fucked with my scared friends behind me before they would have touched me....because

Fear begets fear.

To have fear is one of the most natural instincts that we have, and it is the thing that holds us back the most.

And Fear is consuming.

*Fear is our thoughts taking over our ability to live.*

Now granted, I could get fucked with any given day in the Tenderloin, but the fact that I walk brazenly about with out fear, gives my mind more room for my instincts. Instead of my first thought being, “Ohhh no……this person is fucking with me…..”

My first thought is……”Hell Fucking no bitches, are you even going to attempt to fuck with me.”

When we are consumed by fear it inhibits us to experience all that we can. We limit ourselves.

We not only limit ourselves from the intense highs that life has to offer and the ability to truly live, but we limit ourselves from the pungent lows, the life altering lessons, the needed humbleness of life……………the chance of continued growth.

I myself am petrified of making a mistake again when it comes to my heart. And yet in recent weeks I have come to realize that while I think I am a tuff bitch, I am a pussy when it comes to falling in love and being in a relationship and I need to nut the fuck up and be okay with getting hurt, with making the wrong decision. Cause how the fuck am I going to know I made the right/wrong decision until I have experienced it. What the fuck is sitting at home worrying about it going to do……….

And fear is such a waste of fucking time.

How much time do we spend, just sitting there, scared to death on how shit is going to work out? I spend way to much freakin time on it...I could probably cut my shower time by 5 minutes if I stopped fucking fretting over shit in there...but its so quiet, and the water on my back zones me out...but really peeps, I got shit I got to do, I don’t have time to be fucking scared.

Now I am all one for having learned and being realistic, those things I get, but the being scared shit, the being paranoid thing, I don’t get.

From what I have experienced the people who are paranoid and fearful are the people who have way too much fucking time on their hands. GO DO SOMETHING…………

I guess that is what this princess is trying to say……..

Yes bad stuff will happen, but it will happen whether you worry about it or not. And when you clear your mind of fear you open your self up to your instinct and your gut, and doing what YOU would become free...and

Let life………go and take you away.


Making the Bed

Since I just got a new bed...whoop, whoop...I thought I would make up an accompanying dance.

So first I strip the blankets off in one big “Zorro” gusto….than I daintily fluff my pillows...I start with the sheet, giving it the toss and letting it float down… (I usually have to do this twice cause my sheet sucks at the “floating down” part...stupid corners...okay now the blankets, get them all in the right direction, and start to tuck... Once you are done tucking, kinda pull each side, smooth it out, stand back……………we made a good fucking bed, now the best part……….

Messing it up.