Blog 93: My Mother Fucking…(Vagina)
WARNING: If you are offended easily, if you are my parents, or friends of my parents…please stop reading…this is not the Blog for you.
If you are one of the peeps that have told me you enjoy my somewhat raunchy writings…then please proceed without caution.
If you think I am one crazy-ass-bitch…a couple things…duhhhhhhhh, and I only ponder what you are going to think of me after this one.
I have been obsessed as of late with a joke that has somewhat caught on with my friends as well as disgusted some people that I know and caused them to give me an odd look and shake their head in wonderment.
A person will be talking and they will say something random like, “ This wine is luscious and supple but with nice chewy tannins.”
I will repeat them saying… “You know what else is luscious and supple with nice chewy tannins”…then I will take both hands and point to my crotch and go…”My mother fucking….” I do not say vagina, I feel it is implied, sometimes I make a gruntish like sound…sometimes I give my hips a little thrust…whatever it is, I usually make one jaw drop a joke.
I told my boss about my joke when it began and she looked me dead in the eye and was like, “That is kinda gross…it just might be too much!”
I totally understood what she was saying, but I just like the shock value of it so much that I kept on doing it to her for a couple nights…about a week later I got a text from her… “Do you know what else is like Disneyland?”
Once you get it, you get it.
And the reality of the matter is that my Vagina is the mother fucking shit…there is power in this pussy!
I think everyone should recognize the power we have within ourselves…even if it simply the power of our sexuality.
This joke is not limited to females…I have been known to hear a phrase like, “The massive American deficit cripples our people.”
I reply, “You know what else is massive and can cripple a people?”…and point to my male friends crotch saying… “His mother fucking…”
Totally out of line…absolutely…but this is San Francisco peeps and there is a lot more craziness going on than a redhead that thinks she is a princess and runs around pointing to people’s pelvises…I’m just saying.
Some people love my joke…I have seen my crew topple over in giggles and clench their sides (it is all about saying it at the right time…sometimes you might even have to simply whisper it into an ear.)
The people that are dumbfounded and can’t even stutter out a response…I just look at them, shake my head, put my hand on their shoulder and ramble, “My mind really is that dirty…” and proceed on with the conversation.
Cause while my thoughts might be a junkyard of nastiness, my vagina is a pristine oasis of wildflowers…and smells even better!
I just embrace that shit.
I am not shy about my sexuality…it kinda oozes out of me…I am not a slut (that being said I have had “slut moments”…I think we all have and should…it can be liberating.)
As a matter of fact…I don’t let a lot of people in…I am honestly petrified of letting a person that close to me…I am truthfully very shy when it comes to matters of my heart…but that doesn’t mean that I am not awesomeness with some snaps in bed…
“Do you know what else is awesomeness with some snaps?”
I really love it when the joke makes me step back….
The other week I went out to dinner with my co-worker who I started the joke with and two of my bosses and one of the boss’s mom…she is sixty and the shit!
Well we got a little drunk (shocking) and the joke came out in front of moms…
She loved it, my girl and I got high-fives across the table.
Towards the end of dinner I announced to the table, “Those were some really good sliders!”
Moms looked at me dead in the eye and said, “Do know what else is a really good slider…” and a pointing to her crotch she began.
An “O” face flourished on my face, my napkin flew in the air and over my friends and I fell.
Moms totally got the joke…cause once you get it…you get it.
I am a firm believer that there is nothing wrong with embracing your power within.
I also feel quite strongly about the notion that you got to make fun of yourself.
And I know I have got the power…right here bitches.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
MY MOTHER FUCKING….DANCE
Sometimes the music is just so dirty, it gets a little humid in that mug and airflow becomes crucial.
Bend your knees and start to thrust back and forth, make sure you got the “uhhhhhhh” face on, continue to thrust and point to your pelvis…if a friend walks up to you and says “This band is blowing my fucking mind!”…retort… “You know what else will blow your mind?"...and contiune to do your dance.