Blog 93: My Mother Fucking…(Vagina)
WARNING: If you are offended easily, if you are my parents, or friends of my parents…please stop reading…this is not the Blog for you.
If you are one of the peeps that have told me you enjoy my somewhat raunchy writings…then please proceed without caution.
If you think I am one crazy-ass-bitch…a couple things…duhhhhhhhh, and I only ponder what you are going to think of me after this one.
I have been obsessed as of late with a joke that has somewhat caught on with my friends as well as disgusted some people that I know and caused them to give me an odd look and shake their head in wonderment.
A person will be talking and they will say something random like, “ This wine is luscious and supple but with nice chewy tannins.”
I will repeat them saying… “You know what else is luscious and supple with nice chewy tannins”…then I will take both hands and point to my crotch and go…”My mother fucking….” I do not say vagina, I feel it is implied, sometimes I make a gruntish like sound…sometimes I give my hips a little thrust…whatever it is, I usually make one jaw drop a joke.
I told my boss about my joke when it began and she looked me dead in the eye and was like, “That is kinda gross…it just might be too much!”
I totally understood what she was saying, but I just like the shock value of it so much that I kept on doing it to her for a couple nights…about a week later I got a text from her… “Do you know what else is like Disneyland?”
Once you get it, you get it.
And the reality of the matter is that my Vagina is the mother fucking shit…there is power in this pussy!
I think everyone should recognize the power we have within ourselves…even if it simply the power of our sexuality.
This joke is not limited to females…I have been known to hear a phrase like, “The massive American deficit cripples our people.”
I reply, “You know what else is massive and can cripple a people?”…and point to my male friends crotch saying… “His mother fucking…”
Totally out of line…absolutely…but this is San Francisco peeps and there is a lot more craziness going on than a redhead that thinks she is a princess and runs around pointing to people’s pelvises…I’m just saying.
Some people love my joke…I have seen my crew topple over in giggles and clench their sides (it is all about saying it at the right time…sometimes you might even have to simply whisper it into an ear.)
The people that are dumbfounded and can’t even stutter out a response…I just look at them, shake my head, put my hand on their shoulder and ramble, “My mind really is that dirty…” and proceed on with the conversation.
Cause while my thoughts might be a junkyard of nastiness, my vagina is a pristine oasis of wildflowers…and smells even better!
I just embrace that shit.
I am not shy about my sexuality…it kinda oozes out of me…I am not a slut (that being said I have had “slut moments”…I think we all have and should…it can be liberating.)
As a matter of fact…I don’t let a lot of people in…I am honestly petrified of letting a person that close to me…I am truthfully very shy when it comes to matters of my heart…but that doesn’t mean that I am not awesomeness with some snaps in bed…
“Do you know what else is awesomeness with some snaps?”
I really love it when the joke makes me step back….
The other week I went out to dinner with my co-worker who I started the joke with and two of my bosses and one of the boss’s mom…she is sixty and the shit!
Well we got a little drunk (shocking) and the joke came out in front of moms…
She loved it, my girl and I got high-fives across the table.
Towards the end of dinner I announced to the table, “Those were some really good sliders!”
Moms looked at me dead in the eye and said, “Do know what else is a really good slider…” and a pointing to her crotch she began.
An “O” face flourished on my face, my napkin flew in the air and over my friends and I fell.
Moms totally got the joke…cause once you get it…you get it.
I am a firm believer that there is nothing wrong with embracing your power within.
I also feel quite strongly about the notion that you got to make fun of yourself.
And I know I have got the power…right here bitches.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
MY MOTHER FUCKING….DANCE
Sometimes the music is just so dirty, it gets a little humid in that mug and airflow becomes crucial.
Bend your knees and start to thrust back and forth, make sure you got the “uhhhhhhh” face on, continue to thrust and point to your pelvis…if a friend walks up to you and says “This band is blowing my fucking mind!”…retort… “You know what else will blow your mind?"...and contiune to do your dance.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Blog 92: I am Scared, Pissed and Okay (Walking the Walk Part IV)
Blog 92: I am Scared, Pissed and Okay (Walking the Walk Part IV)
(Walking the Walk, Parts I, II & III are Blogs 26, 56 and 86, and are some of my all time favorite blogs, so please check them out.)
There are not a lot of things more frightening than a pissed off redhead…a petrified-furious ginger (don’t forget I was born on Friday the 13th here peeps)…well that is some serious shit.
And I am angry that I am so freaking terrified.
Cause the truth of the matter is…
I am Scared…really really scared.
Last week while at one of my jobs, I bent over and I had a series of pops go off in my brain on the back right side…they made me clench my head in pain…and as I was holding myself close…the entire right side of my body went numb, heavy and tingly.
I thought I was having a stroke.
I called my dad right away and he asked if I could smile…when I responded yes, he assured me that I was not having a stroke, but should probably go to the hospital.
Well I finished out my shift…cause that is how this hard worker rolls…
I hoped I could sleep it off.
The next morning the walk to my new job that usually takes six minutes took over fifteen, and I was a bawling mess of mascara and sparkles when I arrived to my destination.
And to the hospital I went…
I can’t think of anyone that likes going to the hospital…it really doesn’t smell that good.
I got poked and prodded and put into machines in which they kept on asking me if I had metal in my body…I would counter, “Does glitter count…I mean it is small chards of glass?”
May I also add that Spinal Taps…aka…Lumbar Punctures suck my ass times a billion…ow, ow, ow, owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww can we not put a six plus inch needle down my spin while I curl in the fetal position…like I am not in enough pain here…and if you are going to do it can I get an IV of some serious stuff!
And after all these tests, no one can say what is really wrong with me…it could be a couple things, some things that can heal, some serious stuff and some really serious stuff…the line from Kindergarten Cop keeps replaying in my head, “It’s not a tumor.”
Whatever the fuck happened to my body had no idea who they were dealing with! They must not have gotten the, “Sunny is a Queen Now” memo.
I have mentioned in previous blogs that ten years ago I used not be able to walk or hold a pen due to nervous system problems the doctors never found a reason for…I cured myself by exercise, diet and learning that pain is simply a part of life.
I gander it is time for round two.
That doesn’t mean I am going to like it all…and I know for a fact that this is not going to be easy.
I feel like I have to teach my right leg to walk again…it’s just not moving right.
I have taken to using a cane on my bad days.
And I look gangster as fuck with this cane, it was my grandpa’s, it is blackthorn Irish wood…and I despise having to use it…but sometimes in life, you need a crutch.
It would totally be more palatable if I did not like to amble so freaking much.
In recent days there have been times where I have just wanted to weep, where I wanted to hit a lot of shit with my cane (like people who cut me off as well as cars that honk at me for being to slow, chicken fuckers!)
Sometimes I have just simply wanted to give up…forfeit the drive and determination that I know this will take…and just rest in peace.
But life is a beautiful thing…
And I am going to be okay.
This is my battle to fight…my strength to earn…my life to live.
No matter what is wrong with me, I have to surrender…I have to let my journey take its course.
I have to have faith that I am going to win this war.
I have to remember, “This too shall pass”
And continue to Walk my Walk to righteousness…
Cause even if I hobble…I’m still going to make it there…wherever there turns out to be.
Cheers to the journey, to all the bumps and curves, it might sometimes be a gravel road but it will always have a killer view!
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE SISSORS
Take your index and middle finger and make a pair of scissors with each hand. Put the scissors together in front of your nose and drag them across you eyes being all mysterious and coy…now start to move them back towards the nose, as you do, swing your index fingers up and down creating the “cutting” look till they meet in the middle…and swept the open scissors back, and then cut them back in…keep on repeating until you have cut what you needed to cut…and boggie the whole time!
(Walking the Walk, Parts I, II & III are Blogs 26, 56 and 86, and are some of my all time favorite blogs, so please check them out.)
There are not a lot of things more frightening than a pissed off redhead…a petrified-furious ginger (don’t forget I was born on Friday the 13th here peeps)…well that is some serious shit.
And I am angry that I am so freaking terrified.
Cause the truth of the matter is…
I am Scared…really really scared.
Last week while at one of my jobs, I bent over and I had a series of pops go off in my brain on the back right side…they made me clench my head in pain…and as I was holding myself close…the entire right side of my body went numb, heavy and tingly.
I thought I was having a stroke.
I called my dad right away and he asked if I could smile…when I responded yes, he assured me that I was not having a stroke, but should probably go to the hospital.
Well I finished out my shift…cause that is how this hard worker rolls…
I hoped I could sleep it off.
The next morning the walk to my new job that usually takes six minutes took over fifteen, and I was a bawling mess of mascara and sparkles when I arrived to my destination.
And to the hospital I went…
I can’t think of anyone that likes going to the hospital…it really doesn’t smell that good.
I got poked and prodded and put into machines in which they kept on asking me if I had metal in my body…I would counter, “Does glitter count…I mean it is small chards of glass?”
May I also add that Spinal Taps…aka…Lumbar Punctures suck my ass times a billion…ow, ow, ow, owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww can we not put a six plus inch needle down my spin while I curl in the fetal position…like I am not in enough pain here…and if you are going to do it can I get an IV of some serious stuff!
And after all these tests, no one can say what is really wrong with me…it could be a couple things, some things that can heal, some serious stuff and some really serious stuff…the line from Kindergarten Cop keeps replaying in my head, “It’s not a tumor.”
Whatever the fuck happened to my body had no idea who they were dealing with! They must not have gotten the, “Sunny is a Queen Now” memo.
I have mentioned in previous blogs that ten years ago I used not be able to walk or hold a pen due to nervous system problems the doctors never found a reason for…I cured myself by exercise, diet and learning that pain is simply a part of life.
I gander it is time for round two.
That doesn’t mean I am going to like it all…and I know for a fact that this is not going to be easy.
I feel like I have to teach my right leg to walk again…it’s just not moving right.
I have taken to using a cane on my bad days.
And I look gangster as fuck with this cane, it was my grandpa’s, it is blackthorn Irish wood…and I despise having to use it…but sometimes in life, you need a crutch.
It would totally be more palatable if I did not like to amble so freaking much.
In recent days there have been times where I have just wanted to weep, where I wanted to hit a lot of shit with my cane (like people who cut me off as well as cars that honk at me for being to slow, chicken fuckers!)
Sometimes I have just simply wanted to give up…forfeit the drive and determination that I know this will take…and just rest in peace.
But life is a beautiful thing…
And I am going to be okay.
This is my battle to fight…my strength to earn…my life to live.
No matter what is wrong with me, I have to surrender…I have to let my journey take its course.
I have to have faith that I am going to win this war.
I have to remember, “This too shall pass”
And continue to Walk my Walk to righteousness…
Cause even if I hobble…I’m still going to make it there…wherever there turns out to be.
Cheers to the journey, to all the bumps and curves, it might sometimes be a gravel road but it will always have a killer view!
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE SISSORS
Take your index and middle finger and make a pair of scissors with each hand. Put the scissors together in front of your nose and drag them across you eyes being all mysterious and coy…now start to move them back towards the nose, as you do, swing your index fingers up and down creating the “cutting” look till they meet in the middle…and swept the open scissors back, and then cut them back in…keep on repeating until you have cut what you needed to cut…and boggie the whole time!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Blog 91: What if you Made the Rainbows in the Sky (Jammin Chronicles Part III)
Blog 91: What if you Made the Rainbows in the Sky (Jammin Chronicles Part III)
My Jammin Chronicles Part I & II are blogs 81 and 84, not only do you need to read that action, but if you haven’t gotten a chance to go down to Jammin on Haight at 1400 Haight Street and experience the beginning of the resurrection of Haight Street, you need to go check that shit out…totally…and don’t forget to look up.
What if when you glanced at the sun, intergalactic rainbows shot out into fragments in every direction…what if you did what you wanted to, when you wanted to, the exact way you needed it done and you not only got paid for it, but you were appreciated as well.
What if you manifested your own reality…and filled it with color, beauty, love, music and family.
What if you created your own world?
As of late, I have been witnessed to a miracle…people doing what they desire and love to do as their occupation…and making money.
They will be the first to tell you it took years of hard work, and it didn’t come easy…
In fact, I was told it happened, “One tie-dye at a time.”
And yet we all know it is totally fucking worth it.
It has inspired to me spread my wings and figure out what I want to do in life…
To ponder, to stumble, to contemplate every single aspect of what motivates me, what makes me tick…it has encouraged me to take risks I never thought I would be able to do.
And the happiness that radiates out of these Jammin People…floors me in stillness…I catch myself simply stepping back and taking it all in…the belief of positivity.
And the shock of all this awesome stuff actually working and seeing people’s dreams not only being met but tossed out the window cause they had no idea these possibilities could even reach this far of a spectrum makes me want to believe again…I don’t even know what I am suppose to be believing in, I just know now…that I can.
For years I have been running around trying to fit myself into what this notion of my life is suppose to be…exasperating my state of being in an attempt to fit into this mold of what I have been told my journey should entail…but nothing has brought the satisfaction that I have desired, there has always been a hallow-ness…a void of unrequited potential.
And then a thought dawned on me.
Maybe all this dreaming was holding me back.
Maybe I should just let the mystery be the mystery and enjoy it as it unfolds…plant the seeds and watch the beauty as it grows.
Maybe limiting myself to the parameters that I believe to be mine, restricts my mind from seeing things as a whole.
Maybe a blank canvas leaves room for more creativity.
Maybe I should just think about rainbows.
Maybe if I just flood my brain with ideals and things that simply make me happy the rest will just fall into place.
There is something to be said about living the life that you love, surrounding yourself with love, being love, having love emanate from your being….
When you are able to simply believe, you are able to look directly at the sun, and simply see the beautiful colors.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
PUMP IT UP
When was the last time you pumped up a massive balloon with a stand up air pump…yeah that is what I thought, let’s jog your memory…
Place each foot on either side of the tube-pump-air-thingy and attach the end of the balloon to the hose action-ness…holding the “handle” in your hands start to pump up and down…after a couple pumps, poke the balloon to see if it has enough air in it…Nope…pump it up at least three more times…awe fuck it one more time…now poke the balloon again, CRAPPERS…wave your arms and make an O face…you filled it too much…that bitch just exploded in your face…that is what you get for doing the Pump It Up Dance!
My Jammin Chronicles Part I & II are blogs 81 and 84, not only do you need to read that action, but if you haven’t gotten a chance to go down to Jammin on Haight at 1400 Haight Street and experience the beginning of the resurrection of Haight Street, you need to go check that shit out…totally…and don’t forget to look up.
What if when you glanced at the sun, intergalactic rainbows shot out into fragments in every direction…what if you did what you wanted to, when you wanted to, the exact way you needed it done and you not only got paid for it, but you were appreciated as well.
What if you manifested your own reality…and filled it with color, beauty, love, music and family.
What if you created your own world?
As of late, I have been witnessed to a miracle…people doing what they desire and love to do as their occupation…and making money.
They will be the first to tell you it took years of hard work, and it didn’t come easy…
In fact, I was told it happened, “One tie-dye at a time.”
And yet we all know it is totally fucking worth it.
It has inspired to me spread my wings and figure out what I want to do in life…
To ponder, to stumble, to contemplate every single aspect of what motivates me, what makes me tick…it has encouraged me to take risks I never thought I would be able to do.
And the happiness that radiates out of these Jammin People…floors me in stillness…I catch myself simply stepping back and taking it all in…the belief of positivity.
And the shock of all this awesome stuff actually working and seeing people’s dreams not only being met but tossed out the window cause they had no idea these possibilities could even reach this far of a spectrum makes me want to believe again…I don’t even know what I am suppose to be believing in, I just know now…that I can.
For years I have been running around trying to fit myself into what this notion of my life is suppose to be…exasperating my state of being in an attempt to fit into this mold of what I have been told my journey should entail…but nothing has brought the satisfaction that I have desired, there has always been a hallow-ness…a void of unrequited potential.
And then a thought dawned on me.
Maybe all this dreaming was holding me back.
Maybe I should just let the mystery be the mystery and enjoy it as it unfolds…plant the seeds and watch the beauty as it grows.
Maybe limiting myself to the parameters that I believe to be mine, restricts my mind from seeing things as a whole.
Maybe a blank canvas leaves room for more creativity.
Maybe I should just think about rainbows.
Maybe if I just flood my brain with ideals and things that simply make me happy the rest will just fall into place.
There is something to be said about living the life that you love, surrounding yourself with love, being love, having love emanate from your being….
When you are able to simply believe, you are able to look directly at the sun, and simply see the beautiful colors.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
PUMP IT UP
When was the last time you pumped up a massive balloon with a stand up air pump…yeah that is what I thought, let’s jog your memory…
Place each foot on either side of the tube-pump-air-thingy and attach the end of the balloon to the hose action-ness…holding the “handle” in your hands start to pump up and down…after a couple pumps, poke the balloon to see if it has enough air in it…Nope…pump it up at least three more times…awe fuck it one more time…now poke the balloon again, CRAPPERS…wave your arms and make an O face…you filled it too much…that bitch just exploded in your face…that is what you get for doing the Pump It Up Dance!
Monday, September 3, 2012
Blog 90: Comes a Time when the Blind-Man takes your Hand...
Blog 90: Comes a Time when the Blind-Man takes your Hand…
"Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says don't you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe"
I have been walking for so long, throughout the day and night, I have been stumbling for some time, trying to find my path, the horizon and the sunset have started to bleed together...exhaustion has taken me over...faith still stays a pertinent truth...and hope burrows inside my core.
I have done it, I think, I have started to leave the restaurant business...my final tie to my last chapter...a vocation I never did for me but for my ex-husband…my number one resolution of this year…has begun its accomplishment.
Entering my old job was a daily reminder of the shackles that held me to my past...my unwillingness to saunter into the unknown...to have enough balls to actually leave...
Well I guess I nutted up...cause while I am still part-time at the restaurant (I refuse to leave myself in a needy position, so if I have to work more to ensure my financial freedom than fine.) I am full time at a brand new job which I feel is something I can be very proud of and represents more of who I am.
There is a catch...
This shit is fucking hard…and I am talking hard like a seventeen year old boy after his first glances of midget porn…
And I don't know if I am going to make it...which is bizarre for me, cause I have never had a job I wasn't totally awesome at right off the bat...and yet I have never changed gears so severely before.
I have become a nervous wreck...I have started to stutter again like I did when I was six...I can't get my freaking words out, they feel stuck inside my throat like a gross acumination of hair inside a drain...failure looms in the back of my head, planting roots that totally go straight into the pipes.
I desire so bad to do well.
And yet I know I must simply surrender…
For the doubt...the worry will be my demise.
And my Destiny is my destiny...I need to let go and simply let fate take my hand and lead me in the direction I am suppose to go.
I know what I want.
And it might not be this job…but this is a stepping-stone down the right avenue.
I keep telling myself that I just have to keep plugging away at it…I will succeed... if I just do my fucking best…and if that is not good enough, I can always go back to full-time at the restaurant, I mean I make the freaking schedule for god sake.
But I don’t want to go back....that is not a good path for me...it does not satisfy me...and that just isn't good enough.
I am unsure which direction all this change will take me…but I can see is for the best if I just keep walking.
I know I have talent and potential.
And I have faith.
I will triumph in what I need to prevail in.
It has been a long time coming…I have and will continue to work my fucking ass off.
I know there is more for me out there.
The cold comfort of a job that has brought a stagnant breeze to my life…that has officially bored and belittled a woman such as myself...has grown into a burden I do not desire to carry...
I am ready to move on…and the only way to do that is to take this risk…this leap of belief…to make an effort at something I am not sure I am capable of doing.
At least I know I will have tried.
And I need to see, that is the only thing that matters.
“…You can't let go cause you're afraid to fall…”
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK:
THE MICRO-CLIMATE OF SAN FRANCISCO DANCE
So if you are like me (or a super awesome woman that inspired this dance) and you like to tromp around this city you know about every ten blocks the temperature changes in some sort of way and you either get way hot all of a sudden or super cold in a five step lapse…
Start by bundling up yourself, pull your hood on, hug yourself super tight…maybe even add a shiver in there for a good effect…walk a couple steps, maybe take some hits off a joint…I mean we are walking in San Francisco here peeps…anyhoo…man it just got hot as hell…take down your hood…tie your scarf around your purse strap and unzip your jacket…crappers, the joint went out…might as well take your jacket off while you have to re-light…take it off, put your purse back on your shoulder, shove your jacket into your purse while grabbing your lighter…spark that bad boy up…man that sun feels good, take a couple of steps and damm…the wind just picked up, maybe just the scarf will work…amble a couple more paces…damm it is cold as fuck, time to put the jacket on again!
"Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says don't you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe"
I have been walking for so long, throughout the day and night, I have been stumbling for some time, trying to find my path, the horizon and the sunset have started to bleed together...exhaustion has taken me over...faith still stays a pertinent truth...and hope burrows inside my core.
I have done it, I think, I have started to leave the restaurant business...my final tie to my last chapter...a vocation I never did for me but for my ex-husband…my number one resolution of this year…has begun its accomplishment.
Entering my old job was a daily reminder of the shackles that held me to my past...my unwillingness to saunter into the unknown...to have enough balls to actually leave...
Well I guess I nutted up...cause while I am still part-time at the restaurant (I refuse to leave myself in a needy position, so if I have to work more to ensure my financial freedom than fine.) I am full time at a brand new job which I feel is something I can be very proud of and represents more of who I am.
There is a catch...
This shit is fucking hard…and I am talking hard like a seventeen year old boy after his first glances of midget porn…
And I don't know if I am going to make it...which is bizarre for me, cause I have never had a job I wasn't totally awesome at right off the bat...and yet I have never changed gears so severely before.
I have become a nervous wreck...I have started to stutter again like I did when I was six...I can't get my freaking words out, they feel stuck inside my throat like a gross acumination of hair inside a drain...failure looms in the back of my head, planting roots that totally go straight into the pipes.
I desire so bad to do well.
And yet I know I must simply surrender…
For the doubt...the worry will be my demise.
And my Destiny is my destiny...I need to let go and simply let fate take my hand and lead me in the direction I am suppose to go.
I know what I want.
And it might not be this job…but this is a stepping-stone down the right avenue.
I keep telling myself that I just have to keep plugging away at it…I will succeed... if I just do my fucking best…and if that is not good enough, I can always go back to full-time at the restaurant, I mean I make the freaking schedule for god sake.
But I don’t want to go back....that is not a good path for me...it does not satisfy me...and that just isn't good enough.
I am unsure which direction all this change will take me…but I can see is for the best if I just keep walking.
I know I have talent and potential.
And I have faith.
I will triumph in what I need to prevail in.
It has been a long time coming…I have and will continue to work my fucking ass off.
I know there is more for me out there.
The cold comfort of a job that has brought a stagnant breeze to my life…that has officially bored and belittled a woman such as myself...has grown into a burden I do not desire to carry...
I am ready to move on…and the only way to do that is to take this risk…this leap of belief…to make an effort at something I am not sure I am capable of doing.
At least I know I will have tried.
And I need to see, that is the only thing that matters.
“…You can't let go cause you're afraid to fall…”
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK:
THE MICRO-CLIMATE OF SAN FRANCISCO DANCE
So if you are like me (or a super awesome woman that inspired this dance) and you like to tromp around this city you know about every ten blocks the temperature changes in some sort of way and you either get way hot all of a sudden or super cold in a five step lapse…
Start by bundling up yourself, pull your hood on, hug yourself super tight…maybe even add a shiver in there for a good effect…walk a couple steps, maybe take some hits off a joint…I mean we are walking in San Francisco here peeps…anyhoo…man it just got hot as hell…take down your hood…tie your scarf around your purse strap and unzip your jacket…crappers, the joint went out…might as well take your jacket off while you have to re-light…take it off, put your purse back on your shoulder, shove your jacket into your purse while grabbing your lighter…spark that bad boy up…man that sun feels good, take a couple of steps and damm…the wind just picked up, maybe just the scarf will work…amble a couple more paces…damm it is cold as fuck, time to put the jacket on again!
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