Friday, November 30, 2012

Blog 99: Why I am a Princess

Blog 99: Why I am a Princess.

So I am almost to a hundred of these diary thingies and I was thinking, all these blogs have passed and besides the first blog, I never really told you all why I consider myself a princess…and before I cross my centennial, I might as well give an explanation.

I am a princess because I said so…so yes, a self-appointed one would be a good term.

No I don’t have a crown (I do have a shit ton of glitter though…over 15 colors!)…and I don’t live in a castle (I do live by myself in a rent controlled studio for under a grand…so in an expensive ass city like San Francisco…it is a close second…now if I lived in “The Castle Apartments” we could totally talk)…and I don’t have crazy jewels (I do have a butt load of feather earrings and a copious amount of tie-dye yoga pants)…but the fact is, it is not what I have that makes me a princess, it is because of who I am.

Truthfully, I think we are all royalty, some people just fail to recognize it within themselves….so please take a short moment…gaze down upon yourself…and see the awesomeness that is you.

I always knew I was a Princess, but thought I needed other people to see it before I allowed myself to believe.

I have discovered that is not how this action works…one has to see the power within…and let it shine, before others can open their eyes.

When I moved back home to San Francisco, I didn’t have close friends to lean on, I was all alone…I had lost everything and was starting all over in the basement of my parents house…I didn’t feel good about myself at all.

And then I made a sacrifice, I put off doing something I longed to do in order to move out (something I still have not done)…even though everyone told me I would not be able to “handle” the Tenderloin I moved here a month before my 30th birthday… over two and a half years ago

At this point I remember longing for something/one to believe in…to give me strength to cope, to tell me all this would be okay…and that my decisions about leaving my husband and my old life were just.

Sometimes when the darkness and gloom has taken over the only light one can find is within themselves.

I found my lumination, my sunshine, it was in the mirror…blinking a pair of emerald doe eyes back at me.

And as I examined her with distain and grace, I could not deny the power that emulated from within, no matter how much I didn’t believe…or did not want to see…it was staring back at me…blinding me.

As my thoughts continued to parade in my head my father’s motto of, “Surrender” flashed before me…

And so I did…I succumbed to my flaws, my achievements, my sorrows, my silliness, my defeats…all of it…all of me.

Now this is a lesson and a thought that I have to constantly remember for it is a hard path to pillage but oh so worthy of its walk, accompanied by breathtaking views.

Empowering the potential that I have within me…inspired inner decency…

As well as a willingness to cast aside wrongful interpretations and judgments of others and accept them as they stand before me.

Humans…full of humility.

The better understanding and leeway you give yourself…the more allowing of other people one becomes and the better one becomes at seeing life as beautiful lessons that lead towards enlightenment…we all fuck up…in order for us to all learn…it is journey…and there is a road, but by no means a simple highway.

We can’t be mad at ourselves for being ding dongs or chicken fuckers…we have to love who we are and rock that shit out!

Believe in our Royalty.

Treat yourself like you are a King or a Queen.

For one cannot put faith in others unless they utilize and practice that same notion for themselves.

So yes, I am a Princess…and whatever else I want to be…because I control my destiny, and the power to be what I want to be…lies inside of me….

And we shant forget…there is always room for more kingdoms in the Promise Land.

At last, be aware that seeing your inner greatness helps others see their own…we should encourage everyone to shine.



Have you ever put on an outfit or a dress that made you feel like a hundred bucks (it could be a tie-dyed oneZZZ, it could be a Princess Dress, it could be a pair of jeans that makes your ass look…DELICIOUS!...whatever it is, you know what I am talking about.) Sometimes when you go out, you got to show yourself off a little. So start at one end of the bar, toss your head back and make sure your shoulders are nice and back and your chest is out a little, and STRUT…make sure you are swaying your hips a little from side to side and maybe have one hand on your butt shelf (yeah, I said butt shelf…what)…when you get to the other end of the bar, do a slow turn and finishing standing facing the bartender…order your drink…sip it…hold it for a picture taking moment…turn again and STRUT back….when you get back to your friends and find that they still haven’t gotten their drinks yet…you will understand what the dance is all about!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Blog 98: “We Got Trouble”

Blog 98: “We Got Trouble”

I was at the Rebirth Brass Band show last week and as the horns blared and the snare drum whipped me into shape I heard the words, “We got trouble” repeated over and over again…and the whole time they were singing the song…

I thought they were talking about me….

Cause, like hellllllo…

(you know what else is some motherfucking trouble?)

From the red curly hair, the devilish grin, the snorted laugh, the uber high voice, the glitter-backed mysterious grin, the white girl dance moves, the fact that I call everyone “papi” …to the fire muff….

Yup there is some torment up in this bitch.

And it is not necessarily a bad kinda trouble…wellllllllllllll.

There has been the rare occasions where I have just been plan naughty (but each time I have smelled awesome!) And those few and far between occurrences usually involve myself and maybe a dude…and I am pretty sure they were okay with me being turbulent and buoyant…just saying.

Mostly though, I am the best kinda of trouble.

For me trouble is the unexpected…it’s the bump in the road you never saw coming but that slowed you down when you were going to fast, or the night out that you thought was going to be boring and ending up being the best night of your life…it is the laughter over nothing…it is learning how to shift and move and change….it is talking to people you would never talk to and going places you never would have seen…trouble is pushing your box, it is what sets you free…

It can also leave you in its misery.

The pain of trouble usually comes from a wallowing in self-doubt.

Why doubt, why not just live.

I do what makes me happy and when it stops making me happy, I’m done.

I mean it is not like I do anything illegal (we are leaving drugs out of this statement)

I don’t hurt people (intentionally) I just know how to have a good time and know exactly what I like…and thoroughly enjoy learning about things that make me go “ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm”

So yeah, I stir the pot…but you know what, if you don’t stir it, it gets all yucky at the bottom and gross and crusty and it doesn’t taste good…you need to tend to your pot constantly.

You got to add spice to life….you got to keep it fresh.

And while there is comfort in monotony, one can be overcome with a sense of staleness.

Everyday I look at my picture of Ken Kesey and the words that are under it,

“The answer is never the answer. What’s really interesting is the mystery. If you seek the mystery instead of the answer, you’ll always be seeking. I’ve never seen anybody really find the answer…they think they have, so they stop thinking. But the job is to seek mystery, evoke mystery, plant a garden in which strange plants grow and mysteries blossom. The need for the mystery is greater than the need for an answer.”

Those words keep me going…and if trouble means that I am never satisfied, that I am always searching and nary very still…then so be it…that’s how I roll.

I will continue to wonder, to ponder, to seek…and if bad shit happens than that is how I learn my lessons.

But just cause it might be trouble, doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy every single second of it.

Trouble can be a good thing, it is just really how you look at it...and whether or not it smells good….and I shower three times a day, so we know the answer to that question.

Now go cause some of that “good trouble!”


THE HAIR FLIP (inspired by an awesome boss and a best friend)

So the first part of this dance is checking the wind, cause lets be honest, you can’t go flipping hair against wind here peeps. So lick your finger, stick it in the air…all right, the wind is blowing in the right direction…sweet. Walk up to a friend and grab the front part of your hair and flip your head and then start to bat your eyelashes. Now flip again (do not hurt your neck, we are not Olympic hair flippers here!) and let the eyelashes roll…if your friend hasn’t gotten the hint and passed you the joint yet, you just might want to say, “Yo chicken fucker, puff, puff, pass.” Unless you have hair in your eye, then by all means…flip again.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Blog 97: Addiction

Blog 97: Addiction

I have addictions…Glitter, Blue Mascara, Princess Dresses, Bacon and more Bacon, Soy Lattes, Ras Romeos, Epic Tie-dyed Rainbows, Donny Hathaway, those Yellowish Hostess Cupcakes, Lazy Mornings, Watermelon Juice, Buttwalks, Pimm’s Cups, The Boom Boom Room, Sparkle Flip-flops & Original Super Skunk to name a few.

And I love all my addictions…they satisfy me…they send shivers of contentment down my spine.

But how do I find a balance…how do I find satisfaction in all things?

What is good for me and what is bad?

I have been pondering these thoughts because there is a new crack head on the block…she is skinny, has curly red hair, is about twenty years older than me, and besides misses some teeth, curves and ass…she is my elder doppelganger.

I get lost staring at her…contemplating, wondering, having daymares…how do I avoid her fate.

What makes my addictions now less dangerous than the ones that she carries?

Part of seeking equilibrium in my life is controlling my addictions…making sure a habit only stays a habit and does not overtake my life.

Living in the Tenderloin I see the harsh realities of what addiction can do.

I see a people I wish not be.

I see a life I want nothing of.

In a way it has scared me straight from a lot of drugs. I sometimes read my beginning blogs and am shocked at how much I used to party…(I must be getting old)…how much quieter my life has mellowed…

And as the seasons fade away…I have seen the parallels of addiction and what it has done to myself and my friends…

I have had to say good-bye.

I have had to walk away.

I have had to deal.

I have cried.

I have forgiven…I have not forgotten.

I have relapsed.

I have been ashamed.

I have come to peace with it.

People often ask me how I feel about the crackheads on the street.

Most often I will give the response, “Addiction is a harsh lesson, that sometimes takes a lifetime to learn.”

It is something that we all deal with, simply in different forms.

No one is innocent of this sin.

Sometimes as I amble down the streets into the Pit of the Tenderloin I become encompassed with guilt and rage…angry with people not able to control themselves.

Sometimes tears well in my eyes…

Often as I leave I glance up and hope…

Sometimes I just wanna help…

But the only addict that I can help is me…that is the crazy thing about addiction.

That shit is personal…for one cannot resolve a problem that one does not see.

For the greatest fixes have the most incredible highs.

And as we lay curled on a dirt floor we think not of the rot under our nails but of the bliss of not caring…of not dealing…

For life can be a harsh bitter storm…and yet I find a grace in the honesty of it all…coming to terms with the ups and the downs…acknowledging my vices and shortcomings…helps me deal with everyone’s humanity.

We all have battles to fight…addictions to cure…some bad, some good, some innocent and needed.

And I can only hope that I hold enough strength to not succumb to the poisonous apple.

I pray for my future…for my balance.

And I hope some lessons, don’t take more than a lifetime to learn.



Now the most important part of this dance is the Waddle. Having seen many a skunk (my dad is in a fierce two year battle with one) the thing that stands out the most besides their stripe and their smell is their walk.

So as you begin the dance, make sure you are moving back and forth in a lethargic way, and are moving awkwardly from side to side. Waddle up to a friend, or a random stranger and put your hands to the ground and your ass in the air. Wave your ass back and forth in front of the person making a “Psssssssssssssssssssssssssst” sound. Straighten yourself out and start to flap your hand in front of your nose letting everyone know you have stunk the place up! Then put your arms out in front of you like you are Superman and waddle away…cause a super skunk might smell bad, but he doesn’t smell his own stench…he only leaves it for others to sniff.