Thursday, January 17, 2013

Blog 101: Ms. Powers (Being Divorced, Part III)

Blog 101: Ms. Powers (Being Divorced, Part III)

(Being Divorced Parts I & II are Blogs 74 & 75)

I got an email from my ex-husband, the subject line said “Doneski” and I knew. All at once a flood of finality and freedom rushed my being…a soft shiver rolled up my spine and sent excitement tingles all over.

This week my mission is to head to city hall, and get my name back…why would I ever give up a last name like “Powers”…I am such a ding dong, I am…and if you see a red-hued rainbow streaking in the sky unyielding bursts of glitter, it may be my super powers finally kicking in…who knows what might happen.

Since the email, thoughts have been swirling in my head….mostly images about the girl I was then, and the woman I have metamorphosed into today.

To me it is almost intangible as well as the most succulent revenge.

I remember back to those years when my dog had died, the realization that I was unhappy had overtaken and paralyzed me…something had to give.

I went to my husband and told him that I was miserable, that owning the restaurant was just too much, my burden was to heavy, and to be honest…it was not what I wanted to do.

I proposed that we moved to San Francisco, we would have the support of my family and that he could still be a great chef without the weight of owning a restaurant…and I could go figure out what the fuck would make me happy.

He asked, “What do you want to do?”

I replied that I have always wanted to work with fashion and I think it would be something that I am good at.

The man who’s dream I had invested my time, money and life into, looked me dead in the eye, laughed and said, “I don’t think you can do that...”

As the months followed I tried to salvage my marriage…but no one can make you satisfied but yourself…and sometimes a road simply waits for your readiness to amble upon it.

When I came to the city, I headed right back into the restaurant business…probably cause it was easy and I was scared…and quite lost.

Until recently I have always felt like I lacked something as a woman.

It used to be my living situation when I first came back to the city and stayed in my parent’s basement. When I moved to my own lair in the tenderloin my self-confidence started to build but lack of conviction with my career still left me feeling inadequate and not quite up to par.

Yet since reading the magic words that my divorce is final through the courts…I have kept on thinking about that day in which I was told my husband didn’t believe in my abilities.

And as my thoughts subside from their spiral tornados…I sit back with a soft smile of elegance and satisfaction and a supple gleam dancing in my eyes (if you know me, you know this look quite well)…because for some reason, without intention or thought…but I think due to fate and destiny…I find myself working full time for a tie-dye clothing company.

It has only recently dawned on me.

I have done it, what I said I was going to do...fulfilling my self prophecy…I have proven my ex-husband wrong…and accomplished a dream I have had since I was young….I am working in the fashion business…with rainbows no less.

Without even meaning to, or realizing that I had…

It has taken me a second to absorb it all in…I didn’t get it at first.

And these feelings…of contentment and satisfaction have empowered me…allowing an aora of serenity to emulate from my being…causing my heart to soften in a way I so desired and knew it so needed to.

For tranquility with yourself brings a sweet peace as well as a distilled immaculate grace.

I wake up everyday, thankful for the blessings that I have and understand that only hard work and patience with sincere acts of surrender with unfold my true path and that basking in the light as I walk might blind me from the future but lead me still in the right direction as long as I have faith.

I have become a truly independent woman who has created my own life and my heart is full of love…for my family, my friends and for myself.

I want not a thing but to strive to be my very best.

And I am confident the universe with provide.

All I have to do is unleash my magical Powers…

You know what else has magical powers? Just Saying….


(Cause the paperwork has got to get done!)

Bring your pile of paperwork to the desk…pull out your chair and sit down…take a deep breathe, cause you can’t let the paperwork overwhelm you (it has that power.) Pull open your file cabinet and find where the first paper goes…damm! who put these things back not in alphabetical order…crap it might have been me being a ding dong…alright…now next paper you got to sign and stamp…and file it away….keep filing till your stack is done…always remember…rewarding yourself with a cocktail is always appropriate and highly recommended…

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Blog 100: My Moment

Blog 100: My Moment

I stood on the stage of the Fillmore and watched the balloons and confetti drop…as they swirled like snowflaked ballerinas puretting down to the ground I took a step back and tried to absorb everything that I felt…I hugged my lavender feather boa (it matched my lavender-rainbow-prism dress to a tee) around me tight and felt a numbing notion of serenity.

As a San Francisco native, the stage of the Fillmore was one of the best places a princess could be to ring in the New Year. That being said, I was alone…by choice…I could of gone to the front of the stage and hugged the fellow ladies that danced before me, thrown beads or waved, I could have stayed down with my friends, I could have chosen a random dude (or an old love) to plant a wet one on (with my dress I would have gotten no complaints)…but it was not my time to do so…it was my time to stand in the shadows with a content and serene smile on my face and contemplate.

Timing is everything in life…and we all have our time…whether in this lifetime or the next.

Sometimes it is our moment to be loved and kissed and held…sometimes it is our time to mourn a foreseen ending of a beloved…sometimes we simply cry…sometimes it is our time to stand in the middle and have everyone cheer…sometimes it is our moment to take it all in, to realize what lies on the horizon, to put things in perspective…to understand.

It is funny how life works the way that it does…

It is comical how life can make perfect sense if we try not to make any sense out of it at all…and just cause you think you understand, doesn’t mean you comprehend.

Sometimes clarity hits you as quickly as a balloon can pop...

For the rest of the evening thoughts flashed through my mind…points of realizations brought jolts to my being every now and then…and peace and tranquility took over (as much as they can at 5 in the morning!)

I reminisced about past New Years…I remembered my pain…my tears…my journeys that have unfolded the path that lies before me.

I recalled lying on the floor crying 3 days after I decided to leave my husband four years ago…alone…watching Dick Clark stroke count it down…how far I have come…and yet one day…I might return to that moment of solitude.

How my loneliness then was painful and succumbing and at the bottom of a cavernous trench of sorrow and tears.

How standing alone this year made me feel powerful, independent and at peace.

And as my journey continues I am acutely aware that my timing is before me.

I acknowledge my moment is here.

This is my new beginning…on the 13th year of this century in which I will turn 33 years old.

Every new year before I have looked at them dauntingly…wanting what I want, but knowing the possibility might be futile…desiring things that need not be necessary upon the path to salvation.

And yet, as the confetti and balloons began to succumb to the empty air…I looked upon the New Year with ideals I had never witnessed inside myself before.

I do not want a thing this year…I have learned that the things that I want and spend my time desiring and craving are the very things that once I obtain…I distain.

And that worrying about things I know not of will be my demise.

For this is my time…and yes there will be pain, and tears and sorrow and they will make the bright days shine more incandescently and the light shall shed focus on the meaning of it all.

This year I surrender…to the unknown…to the breathless wonders that fall before me…to the direction I shall walk.

I know that I will amble upon the right route…for that is what faith and destiny are all about.

And I am princess…finally ready to be a Queen.



Stand still and tall…every time someone walks past you tilt in the direction that they are going, the faster they walk or run, the further to the side you go…always coming back to standing straight…if someone cuts past you really fast, when you come to…bend your knees a little and slowly straighten them…cause a blade of grass that gets cut…always grows back.