Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Blog 43...Princess Dating 101 (Dating Diaries Prologue)

Blog 43...Princess Dating 101 (Dating Diaries Prologue)

As I find myself slowly stepping completely back into the dating world (I was never really out...I think a non-committed relationship just confuses the fuck out of me...and sometimes people can't love each other the way we need to be loved) I am quite tempted to yell “Dating Restriction” and hang out in my most awesomeness of a bubble...

But this time, I actually feel ready, cleansed and refreshed...now this might have something to do with the fact that I just got out of the shower...but who knows.

And its not like I am not going to go on dates (remember the quality of my ass here peeps) So I might as well embrace it...but maybe I can lay out some ground rules so I’m not writing about a homie calling me and telling me he is masturbating to me sitting on his face again. (Dating Diaries Part One and Two are Blogs 7 & 24)

Anyhoo...Let us break this shit down...

-Smelling good is important shit...showering should not be forgotten, nor should brushing teeth. I am not about to kiss a man at 10pm at night who has 10am coffee breath...gum, mints...all great things that man has invented for a reason.

-You all should ask me out, and not the other way around, you want me, you have to pursue me...I am a princess here people...totally.

-And don’t play that waiting to call or text shit with me, I WAIT FOR NO MAN, and by the time you do finally call me, I will have moved on...you want me to be interested in you, you must hold that interest. Remember, with me, slacking is not an option.

-I am a total ding dong, and will probably drop something, spill, knock something over or say something totally stupid...I embrace that shit, and you should to, whether I do it or you do it...

-Cell phones on a date, not okay, and if you do have to take it, say, “pardon me” and step outside (can you believe I even have to write this one)

-Please for the love of all that is holy, if we are out at a nice restaurant do not burp at the table or look at me and say you have to “go take a dump” I am eating here, or was.

-I do not want to go out with God. This one guy hit on me this weekend and I asked what he did and he said he “ran the world”...I responded by telling him that I was a princess, tee hee hee. He returned with, “Well I run computers, and computers run the world...soooo.”...I then told him I only fucked chickens and thanked him for my drink.
(I can’t compete with God.)

-Silence is okay. Sometimes when I am really enjoying being with someone I just close my eyes and think about how content I am...and while I enjoy good conversation, I truly enjoy a non-awkward silence.

-Don’t talk shit on my City. You don’t like it, you should have taken me to dinner in Napa, not my fucking fault...Remember some key notes, I was born and raised here, my family still lives in the same house I grew up in, and I chose to come back here to rebuild my life, you talk shit on the city, you talk shit on me, and I will have nothing to do with that action...

-Don’t invite me out to dinner than give me shit for ordering a nice glass of wine. If you didn’t want me to get the nice glass of wine you should of not taken me somewhere that has a 1998 Chateau Puy la Rose from Pauillac by the glass...some shit I can not say no to...

-And I do expect to be taken out to dinner...that is proper, and you should know I am all about being fucking proper. But dinner doesn’t have to be a fancy ass place (I am not by any means saying I do not like to go out to fancy places, I mean The Boulevard is my favorite restaurant in the world...times 11...bring an extra pair of panties when you go there) See, prior to leaving my ex-husband almost three years ago, I had never been taken out to dinner, (or courted) and anytime I get taken out to dinner now, I am fucking thankful as all hell, because it really means something to me. It is a reminder to me on how far I have come and how much I have grown...and it’s proper.

-I will not hump on the first date.
May I repeat that I am a base girl...First date, first base...I don’t even like to get all crazy until I am ready to hump, cause then I just get turned on and have to say no cause then dude gets all pushy and why even get all awkward like that...when we are ready to hump, we’ll get crazy...it just should be right.

-Therefore...there is not need to be lude and gross on the first date...no asking if I will gargle your balls (I left that date) no asking me about sexual positions and fantasies...I am trying to eat here...can someone please remember.

-Send Forget-me-nots...do you know the song? There is something to be said for giving or sending a lady flowers...or just being romantic...boys...it just gets you so much farther with the ladies...trust me.

***My dad brings my mom fresh flowers every week so she can wake up every morning and see how much he loves her...this might be a reason I think I am a Princess, my dad treats my mom like the fucking queen that she is, and I have watched their love only grow. He freakin cuts the tree in front of the house in the shape of a heart so when she comes home she knows how much he loves her, for their 20th anniversary he had a plane fly around my mom’s work (the school I was attending) that had trailing behind it...”Daragh, Happy 20th Anniversary, I love You, Neal.” For their 35th, he wrote her a love poem, had it framed and put it on her dresser...so, can you guess...she knows how much he loves her everyday...
And my dad pretty much does what ever he wants, cause he lets my mom do what she wants but everyday they let each other know how much they love each other...whether it’s the love notes or the dinner my mom cooks for my dad each night.
...Yes mom and dad, you have fucked me and any man who tries to date me...
But then again, I will not settle for anything but the very best.***

-Sometimes a date leads to just a great friendship, and that is okay too. In fact that is more than okay, I am a great fucking friend...and that shit is way less complicated...totally.

And a date is about getting to know someone, to see if there is something more...if you are just trying to hump...don’t waste your money on dinner, be fucking honest...you will get a NO (95% of the time) but you will get my respect for being fucking honest...which puts you in the higher percentile...maybe not the top five though...but good luck, and props for being fucking honest.

Cause that is what I am all about.

Wish me luck as I continue on my adventures, I am sure Diaries, Tales & Chode Hunts will follow (Blog 31)

And all good things come to those who wait, thank god I am in this waiting room with me...cause I fucking crack me up...totally.

Class is dismissed.



Champagne is good shit, and an aperitif...so let’s open this bottle...start by undoing the foil, it’s good when you can unravel the whole thing. Now un-twist the twisty thingy that holds down the cork action...now it is time to pop the cork, usually you want to put a towel over it, but remember, you can be a ding dong, this is one of those times, and DUCK, wow, that cork went far as fuck...man that is why we use the towel, and incase it bubbles over (some lessons you need to be reminded of from time to time)...fuck it, it’s open...time to pour and enjoy...Cheers & Sparkles

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