Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Blog 97: Addiction

Blog 97: Addiction

I have addictions…Glitter, Blue Mascara, Princess Dresses, Bacon and more Bacon, Soy Lattes, Ras Romeos, Epic Tie-dyed Rainbows, Donny Hathaway, those Yellowish Hostess Cupcakes, Lazy Mornings, Watermelon Juice, Buttwalks, Pimm’s Cups, The Boom Boom Room, Sparkle Flip-flops & Original Super Skunk to name a few.

And I love all my addictions…they satisfy me…they send shivers of contentment down my spine.

But how do I find a balance…how do I find satisfaction in all things?

What is good for me and what is bad?

I have been pondering these thoughts because there is a new crack head on the block…she is skinny, has curly red hair, is about twenty years older than me, and besides misses some teeth, curves and ass…she is my elder doppelganger.

I get lost staring at her…contemplating, wondering, having daymares…how do I avoid her fate.

What makes my addictions now less dangerous than the ones that she carries?

Part of seeking equilibrium in my life is controlling my addictions…making sure a habit only stays a habit and does not overtake my life.

Living in the Tenderloin I see the harsh realities of what addiction can do.

I see a people I wish not be.

I see a life I want nothing of.

In a way it has scared me straight from a lot of drugs. I sometimes read my beginning blogs and am shocked at how much I used to party…(I must be getting old)…how much quieter my life has mellowed…

And as the seasons fade away…I have seen the parallels of addiction and what it has done to myself and my friends…

I have had to say good-bye.

I have had to walk away.

I have had to deal.

I have cried.

I have forgiven…I have not forgotten.

I have relapsed.

I have been ashamed.

I have come to peace with it.

People often ask me how I feel about the crackheads on the street.

Most often I will give the response, “Addiction is a harsh lesson, that sometimes takes a lifetime to learn.”

It is something that we all deal with, simply in different forms.

No one is innocent of this sin.

Sometimes as I amble down the streets into the Pit of the Tenderloin I become encompassed with guilt and rage…angry with people not able to control themselves.

Sometimes tears well in my eyes…

Often as I leave I glance up and hope…

Sometimes I just wanna help…

But the only addict that I can help is me…that is the crazy thing about addiction.

That shit is personal…for one cannot resolve a problem that one does not see.

For the greatest fixes have the most incredible highs.

And as we lay curled on a dirt floor we think not of the rot under our nails but of the bliss of not caring…of not dealing…

For life can be a harsh bitter storm…and yet I find a grace in the honesty of it all…coming to terms with the ups and the downs…acknowledging my vices and shortcomings…helps me deal with everyone’s humanity.

We all have battles to fight…addictions to cure…some bad, some good, some innocent and needed.

And I can only hope that I hold enough strength to not succumb to the poisonous apple.

I pray for my future…for my balance.

And I hope some lessons, don’t take more than a lifetime to learn.



Now the most important part of this dance is the Waddle. Having seen many a skunk (my dad is in a fierce two year battle with one) the thing that stands out the most besides their stripe and their smell is their walk.

So as you begin the dance, make sure you are moving back and forth in a lethargic way, and are moving awkwardly from side to side. Waddle up to a friend, or a random stranger and put your hands to the ground and your ass in the air. Wave your ass back and forth in front of the person making a “Psssssssssssssssssssssssssst” sound. Straighten yourself out and start to flap your hand in front of your nose letting everyone know you have stunk the place up! Then put your arms out in front of you like you are Superman and waddle away…cause a super skunk might smell bad, but he doesn’t smell his own stench…he only leaves it for others to sniff.

1 comment: