Thursday, January 3, 2013

Blog 100: My Moment

Blog 100: My Moment

I stood on the stage of the Fillmore and watched the balloons and confetti drop…as they swirled like snowflaked ballerinas puretting down to the ground I took a step back and tried to absorb everything that I felt…I hugged my lavender feather boa (it matched my lavender-rainbow-prism dress to a tee) around me tight and felt a numbing notion of serenity.

As a San Francisco native, the stage of the Fillmore was one of the best places a princess could be to ring in the New Year. That being said, I was alone…by choice…I could of gone to the front of the stage and hugged the fellow ladies that danced before me, thrown beads or waved, I could have stayed down with my friends, I could have chosen a random dude (or an old love) to plant a wet one on (with my dress I would have gotten no complaints)…but it was not my time to do so…it was my time to stand in the shadows with a content and serene smile on my face and contemplate.

Timing is everything in life…and we all have our time…whether in this lifetime or the next.

Sometimes it is our moment to be loved and kissed and held…sometimes it is our time to mourn a foreseen ending of a beloved…sometimes we simply cry…sometimes it is our time to stand in the middle and have everyone cheer…sometimes it is our moment to take it all in, to realize what lies on the horizon, to put things in perspective…to understand.

It is funny how life works the way that it does…

It is comical how life can make perfect sense if we try not to make any sense out of it at all…and just cause you think you understand, doesn’t mean you comprehend.

Sometimes clarity hits you as quickly as a balloon can pop...

For the rest of the evening thoughts flashed through my mind…points of realizations brought jolts to my being every now and then…and peace and tranquility took over (as much as they can at 5 in the morning!)

I reminisced about past New Years…I remembered my pain…my tears…my journeys that have unfolded the path that lies before me.

I recalled lying on the floor crying 3 days after I decided to leave my husband four years ago…alone…watching Dick Clark stroke count it down…how far I have come…and yet one day…I might return to that moment of solitude.

How my loneliness then was painful and succumbing and at the bottom of a cavernous trench of sorrow and tears.

How standing alone this year made me feel powerful, independent and at peace.

And as my journey continues I am acutely aware that my timing is before me.

I acknowledge my moment is here.

This is my new beginning…on the 13th year of this century in which I will turn 33 years old.

Every new year before I have looked at them dauntingly…wanting what I want, but knowing the possibility might be futile…desiring things that need not be necessary upon the path to salvation.

And yet, as the confetti and balloons began to succumb to the empty air…I looked upon the New Year with ideals I had never witnessed inside myself before.

I do not want a thing this year…I have learned that the things that I want and spend my time desiring and craving are the very things that once I obtain…I distain.

And that worrying about things I know not of will be my demise.

For this is my time…and yes there will be pain, and tears and sorrow and they will make the bright days shine more incandescently and the light shall shed focus on the meaning of it all.

This year I surrender…to the unknown…to the breathless wonders that fall before me…to the direction I shall walk.

I know that I will amble upon the right route…for that is what faith and destiny are all about.

And I am princess…finally ready to be a Queen.



Stand still and tall…every time someone walks past you tilt in the direction that they are going, the faster they walk or run, the further to the side you go…always coming back to standing straight…if someone cuts past you really fast, when you come to…bend your knees a little and slowly straighten them…cause a blade of grass that gets cut…always grows back.

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