Blog 116: The art of SURRENDERING
I have been quiet for some time….
One of the most vivid memories I have of the period of my life right after my divorce is when I was living at a friend’s house…I had just lost my relationship of ten years…I had lost my restaurant….I partied way to much…and I was covered in psoriasis from head to toe (If one does not know what psoriasis is…it is an auto-immune disease that leaves red/purple spots or crazy patches all over or in certain areas on your skin)
I was about 3 months into having it…
I remember sitting on my friend’s porch…watching the sunset…talking on the phone with my daddy…in fact I was wailing…I hated feeling so ugly and so hopeless about it.
It was at the point that it had taken metal control of me.
My father reminded me to “breathe” and then laid down the harsh reality that I may be like this for the rest of my life…that I had to deal…to SURRENDER to it all…to learn how to channel my light…to become okay with having this disease…
I remember crying in response…not wanting to give in, not wanting to succumb to feeling like a leper.
As the days continued I worked on breathing…I worked on taking care of myself…and I learned to let go….as the months transpired, I lost my house, I caved in and moved back to San Francisco into my parents house…I lost my car…
And I tried my hardest to simply be at peace with it all…to surrender.
And at last, my psoriasis subsided.
It would come back once more so far in my life when I was going through another stressful time.
I remembered the words my daddy had told me and it was only with me for three months not eight.
Today I am psoriasis free except for the back of my arms being red…which everyone gets on me about wearing sunscreen and I just let it go…and my heart-broken spot. (I have one spot on my upper right thigh that I have named this spot…after I broke up with a boyfriend it occurred and recently returned after the passing of my beloved cat…today I am acutely aware that when the spot subsides I am over the recent heart break as much as I can be…I wear my feelings on my skin.)
I am recalling this story today because I have been dealing with unyielding pain of my back for 3 months now…and it has started to affect me mentally…I feel trapped in this cocoon of inflicted misery…I yearn to be able to bend over…to function…I fear it will over take me…it will dull my soul from shinning.
I call it the “tooth pain” of my back…and at some point last week as a gimped to work across Webster Street and tears poured down my face…thoughts of SURRENDERING flashed through my soul, I saw myself years ago…sitting on that porch talking to my daddy…I swallowed the air deeply as the notion that I may be like this for the rest of my life abided and the realization of acceptance washed my being…tears transformed into breathes…but the pain did not yield nor subside…instead it howled in my mind like a werewolf to a blood moon.
Patience is a virtue and perseverance can be a bitch…and sometimes one must get past the pain…this ideal with that of surrendering flashed in my head the other day as I stretched myself to tears, cussing and moaning (God knows what my neighbors thought I was doing)…and when my mind told me to go no further…that it would hurt too much, I breathed and stretched some more. In a moment a felt a release…tingles shot up and down my leg and a feeling I had been missing returned to my foot…all of I sudden, while they burned so very far away…I could see the candle light’s of home, illuminating a road to recovery.
And while the hurt still wallows upon the horizon of my back…the darkness has lifted and the light has begun to peek out from the pillows of the night….granted the pain is still there, in fact I had to go to the hospital it was so bad… brooding in my being…clawing at my ability to smile, tearing down my feelings of hope. For a moment, I realized that while I might get better, I might not…I just might have awesome days, good days, bad days and horrific days.
I wish my back never had issue but I also realize that losing primary function and replacing it with constant infliction was a path I need to learn and comprehend. For some time I had been taking simple movement for granted…not truly understanding others that pain never granted mercy to….sometimes you can’t walk in another man’s shoes…so God gives you your own pair…and makes you amble until the lesson is learned.
I also have to learn to surrender to the fact that I can’t do it all. I need to rest and recover…for this battle is far from over…and just as I can’t party with certain drugs or eat certain foods to keep my psoriasis at bay, I must shift my life in certain ways to maintain the function of my body and my health. I have been overworking my body for years now…and it seems air apparent that it has caught up with me…I need to shift the way I live and labor…and make sure I am taking care of myself and my body. I need to give myself time to heal.
I had written previously that “Shift Happens” but I never scripted that it was easy. I know I need to surrender to this pain, not have it take over my being…Sometimes “Walking the Walk” is so fucking hard and painful…and is so much easier to just say.
As the days fade to weeks I will try my hardest to cope and Surrender…to find a peace to it all…a reason, a lesson…I will breathe…and hope, that the pain fades like the days.
And once I do accomplish this mission of surrender…there will be another right behind it.
For the art of the Surrendering is something we must deal with everyday.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE GIMP FIGURE EIGHT…
Have you ever been injured? But still need to dance…then this move is perfect for you! Start by finding the most comfortable position for you to stand in and bend your knees a little bitt…have your butt start to make a figure eight, and your upper body follow….if you are feeling good let your arms groove with you (not comfortable, hold on to the back of a bar stool) allow your head to get into the movement as well…and let the music take you away…the two great things about this dance move….no matter what you are going through you need to dance, and you are stretching out your back if you really get you hips into it…twofer dance move…I’d day so!