Blog 57...Being Alone
I don’t remember the last Christmas that I did not get a little sad, where crawling in bed alone did not leave a soft sting. The chill of loneliness lingers longer on Christmas, more so than most other days, the memories of different times swirl in my head...like visions of sugarplums and gingerbread.
Christmas is like the Alpha and the Omega of my relationship with my ex-husband, it is not only when I decided to leave him, but also when he asked me to marry him, many years ago.
The hurt and forsaken side of me longs to feel a partner’s warmth on a morning that holds more to me than I can even comprehend.
And the reality of isolation broods in my mind longer than usual, like the fog sitting on the water, biding its time for the dawn to break so it can creep ashore and dash the light.
And I pray for the clouds to part, for the sun to pour its warmth on my shoulders and tickle the back of my neck.
Yet I am not alone.
I must shift my mindset out of this notion of solitude.
I have the best family in the world...times 11, I have friends that adore me, as I do them...and I have me...and I love me...what more could a princess ask for...
Maybe the loneliness is just something I need to nut up and get over.
Maybe the loneliness is a shield that I put up to protect myself from the possibility of getting broken again.
Maybe it is I who is keeping everyone out.
Maybe I have become so accustomed to being alone that it has become the only thing that I know, the blanket that doesn’t keep you warm but brings the most comfort.
Maybe a lot of things.
The fact of the matter is that even in my marriage I felt alone...that even when I am with others, I feel alone.
I think a lot of us do.
I think I am just really scared to let go of this feeling of being alone.
And I don’t know why...
Why do I feel alone?
When I am so surrounded by love.
Is it because I like it?
A lot of times, when with others, I long to be alone, for the elegance of the quiet, for the moments to truly ponder the thoughts in my head.
Then again, maybe I just ponder shit to fucking much.
Maybe I feel alone cause I keep telling myself that I am.
Maybe if I walk around like one of those ding dongs that talk to themselves going “I am not alone, I am not alone” the feeling will slowly vanish, or I’ll become known as the chick that talks to herself using positive affirmations...which might not be the best for my reputation.
Maybe I just need to shift...shift to not feeling alone...to accepting the fact that I am loved.
That it doesn’t matter who loves me, or whether they hold me at night, and whether it comes from one person or twelve, or just from me, the fact that love is coming my way means I am not alone...
Maybe me being alone or lonely disables me from putting the love out there in order for it to come back.
Me being alone lies in my own hands...
And if you feel alone maybe you should look in the mirror...and think why.
Maybe it is not everybody else’s fault...but your own...my own.
Maybe in stepping away from the feeling of “being alone”...we open ourselves up to the notion of not...what if it is really that easy?
For me, it is worth a shot.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
(Have you ever been to one of those shows with a bunch of “show newbies” you know what I am talking about, the front is not crowded at all but the back is and people aren’t even standing right, they are cluttered and crowded in odd packs with no space for people to get around, but if everyone shifted one way or the other like 5 inches, everyone would have plenty of space...this move is for one of those shows...)
BLAZING A TRAIL
First off, if you going to be blazing a trail, you best start off by lighting your joint, once you got it going grab your imaginary machete (please note: DO NOT BRING YOUR REAL MACHETE TO THE SHOW...that is not okay) All right, puff, puff and walk swinging your machete and making room for your friends to follow your path, you can stop for a second and assess your surroundings, maybe pass the joint to the person to the left...quietly mention that if he moved 5 inches over he would have a bunch more room...amazing right...ohh, you see a clearing ahead, towards the front, grab your joint back and start your puffing and machete swinging until you have gotten to your spot...than you can stop swinging your arm around like crazy (people might think you are a little nuts...)