Monday, December 19, 2011

Blog 56: Walking Away (Walking the Walk Part II)

Blog 56: Walking Away (Walking the Walk Part II)

Walking the Walk Part I, is Blog 26 and one of my favorites.

The Christmas season marks a hard time of year for me, it was three years ago that I decided to leave my ex-husband...three years ago I found a strength I never knew I had.

I walked away, from my life, from my friends, my business, my marriage, my house...pretty much everything I thought my life to be, I turned my back on and began marching to a tune I did not know existed.

For awhile I tried to hold on to the things I thought made me happy, I tried to keep the friends that my ex and I shared, I tried to salvage my house in order to repay my parents, I tried to keep my life that I had put so much effort into.

And it was a wasted effort.

What we think makes us happy today, might not make us happy tomorrow.

One fight with my ex-husband, I told him, “You can have our friends, I don’t want them.” I didn’t want to deal with having to hear about him and having him get mad when hearing about me and what I was doing.

I walked away.

The friends that were really my friends, I still talk to...I just gave it time.

My dad told me when I first tried to save my house, “Don’t bother, just walk away, it’s too much, so what if we lose some money, money is not worth the heartache and the hardships you will go through, and right now, you need to heal”...I tried to prove him wrong, alas I was wrong. I walked away from my house and had it foreclosed...the stress of trying to do it all by myself was too great of a burden for my shoulders that had grown weak from the battles I was in the process of fighting.

My parents begged me to move back to San Francisco, and for a while I simply fought, not wanting to admit my failure, not willing to lose everything, not able to let go...

But a downward spiral does not spin up, you simply have to jump ship...acknowledge your loses and move on.

And the life that I held on to, that I fought so hard to keep...pales in comparison to my existence today.

Walking away takes bravery, valor, fearlessness and a whole lotta guts.

All words I would feel honored to have describe me.

I was so scared of starting over, of having nothing, of being alone...yet as I have written before...fear is consuming, it overtakes you...

But I found the strength, and from that my eyes have been opened.

I can tell you, walking away is the toughest thing I have ever done in my life, and one of the few things, I constantly reap the benefits of.

This particular blog was inspired not by the time of year, but by a friend that I have, who needs to find her inner light ill-minded man has exhausted her fire...I have witnessed my friend slip away, and as she moaned to me on the phone yesterday I just kept on repeating...”Just walk away, walk away.” And I fear for her safety if she does not walk away, I am scared that this man will bring her down more than he already has, as I know she fears as well.

As she lamented to me, as she had so many times before, I finished with, “You need to stop talking the talk, and start walking the walk, because now that you have yourself acknowledged that he is so wrong and is taking your life in a direction you do not want it to go, if you let him continue or if you get hurt, it is just as much your fault as it is his.”

And just as she must march away, I must as well, for I have said my peace, my feelings have been stated, and if she cannot find her inner strength, then I guess, she still has more lessons to learn, and I am not one to stand in the way of that.

I can only hope and pray that she sees the luminous light of the unknown, the whimsical mystery of forging a path you never thought you would have to take.

And not all things you can walk away from, but when you find yourself lost, scared, not knowing what you have become, one must turn around and go in a new direction and do what you can to stay true to you.

The things you walk away from, if they were really suppose to be in your life, they will follow, and if you don’t like the new road you are taking, get off at the next exit, find a different route, just don’t keep going the wrong way.

And if you don’t know which way is wrong or right, just start walking, the path will unfold right in front of you...

Happy Holidays, may you all walk in the direction that makes you fucking happy.



I love presents, and love the surprise that comes with them...

Start by giving the box a little shake, what could it possibly be, untie the ribbon with gusto, and rip that paper off (do not try to save the paper, you aren’t ever going to get around to really reusing it...come on) and lift up the girt so you can get a good look, ohhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh, it is exactly what you wanted, open that box up...stupid tape always gets in the way, and tissue paper...damm, finally you see the gift, a big smile comes on your face and pull that baby out for everyone to see...awesomeness.

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