Blog 63: Insecurities
How are we okay with who we are no matter what?
My friend fell this last week and scratched my face when he went down...and this whole week I have felt like a dumb ass cause I give a shit that my face was scratched...but I can’t lie...it totally bothered me.
I thought about how I felt when I had psoriasis and was covered in head to toe spots, like a leper...how could I let this one section of my face fuck with me so much?
Then I thought about the people that have a scar, a handicap, a disfigurement...how selfish and petty I was being...
What the fuck was wrong with me?
Well that is a loaded question, to say the least...so let us just focus on the point at hand.
The truth of the matter is that I have been feeling insure about a lot of shit lately...and as I starred myself down in the mirror...I realized that I had to snap the hell out of this tailspin.
Sometimes we all need to check ourselves.
Sometimes we need others to check ourselves...
I was on the phone with one of my dearest friends a couple days ago and he was like, “Are you okay?”
I replied, “Why the fuck are you asking me that?”
“Well ding dong, you keep on cutting your hair, and when girls keep on cutting their hair there is something wrong.”
Busted...I thought in me head...”No, I am not okay, but I will be okay...I promise.”
Sometimes you need to get okay with yourself if not for you, but for your dear friends who love you, whom have enough shit that they have to deal with, without having to worry about if you are okay...
Cause the messed up face was just the tip of the iceberg...I am frustrated with my career, I am unnerved with my financial situation, I am upset I have not been able to go farther with my writing...and so many other things...I feel like I have let myself down...I sense I have let my parents down, a notion that knocks me down even further...an ideal, I so do not want to be true.
And all this contemplating left me in tears, unable to move, stuck in bed...I am a firm believer that sometimes we need to wallow in our own self-pity to truly realize how pathetic we really are.
A Queen came and visited me that day in bed, she brought margaritas and love...and as she expressed to me how proud I should be of myself, how far I have come, that I did it on my own, how I would have truly let my parents down if I had stayed in an unhappy marriage and not risked everything for a chance at my dreams...all my insecurities I wailed to her, she simply smiled and gave me her perspective...one that was the total opposite of how I was feeling, and while it is totally possible that neither of us was totally right...neither of us were completely wrong either, the truth lied in the middle, but was not going to be achieved with me laying in bed.
In rising the next morning I limped to the mirror (yes I actually injured myself shooting out of a kid’s slide...something that does not improve one's notion of being "insecure")...and as I starred the looking glass down once more...I gazed upon the emerald eyes that I have tried to understand for so long and tried to comprehend how to be a peace with my insecurities.
And I realized, I just have to accept them.
All the things I don’t like about me, I can do my very best to change, to grow...but in the end, if it is who I am...it is who I am, and I must love that, accept that...no matter what.
In acknowledging my shortcomings...I come to terms with my humanity.
For while I am a princess, I am still mortal...therefore the things that I am insecure about, are the very notions that I learn from...that I use as steppingstones in the hopes of my enlightenment.
Questioning what makes me happy, what satisfies me...is a much needed tune-up along my path...
I called my friend back, and thanked him for calling me out...and I let him know that I would be okay.
I told him about the writing jobs I had applied for, the school I had looked into, the decisions I had come to and the realizations...that instead of simply dreaming of a better, different life, I had to take action.
He replied, “Remember, if you don’t have dreams...you only have nightmares.”
So as I arise from my bed of self pity...I keep my dreams on the horizon, and realized as long as I simply strive for what I desire, and be content with how far I have come...any insecurities I might have are only skin deep, and the more I try to overcome my insecurities and either change them or be at peace with them...the closer I come to my dreams becoming my reality.
Sometimes the things that make us cry the most...are the very things that give us the most strength...
It is simply in one’s perception.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
THE WALKER (this is not my own dance, but was shown to me by a certain “fancy” lady that I know)
Start by putting you hands at 2 and 10 on the walker...about shoulder length apart...now you want to lean forward too (have you ever seen an old person using a walker who is not leaning forward)...now lift the walker with both hands at the same time about 2 inches forward and take a small step...breathe, take a couple second rest and repeat...until finally you get to where you need to go.