Monday, February 13, 2012

Blog 63: Insecurities

Blog 63: Insecurities

How are we okay with who we are no matter what?

My friend fell this last week and scratched my face when he went down...and this whole week I have felt like a dumb ass cause I give a shit that my face was scratched...but I can’t totally bothered me.

I thought about how I felt when I had psoriasis and was covered in head to toe spots, like a could I let this one section of my face fuck with me so much?

Then I thought about the people that have a scar, a handicap, a selfish and petty I was being...

What the fuck was wrong with me?

Well that is a loaded question, to say the let us just focus on the point at hand.

The truth of the matter is that I have been feeling insure about a lot of shit lately...and as I starred myself down in the mirror...I realized that I had to snap the hell out of this tailspin.

Sometimes we all need to check ourselves.

Sometimes we need others to check ourselves...

I was on the phone with one of my dearest friends a couple days ago and he was like, “Are you okay?”

I replied, “Why the fuck are you asking me that?”

“Well ding dong, you keep on cutting your hair, and when girls keep on cutting their hair there is something wrong.”

Busted...I thought in me head...”No, I am not okay, but I will be okay...I promise.”

Sometimes you need to get okay with yourself if not for you, but for your dear friends who love you, whom have enough shit that they have to deal with, without having to worry about if you are okay...

Cause the messed up face was just the tip of the iceberg...I am frustrated with my career, I am unnerved with my financial situation, I am upset I have not been able to go farther with my writing...and so many other things...I feel like I have let myself down...I sense I have let my parents down, a notion that knocks me down even ideal, I so do not want to be true.

And all this contemplating left me in tears, unable to move, stuck in bed...I am a firm believer that sometimes we need to wallow in our own self-pity to truly realize how pathetic we really are.

A Queen came and visited me that day in bed, she brought margaritas and love...and as she expressed to me how proud I should be of myself, how far I have come, that I did it on my own, how I would have truly let my parents down if I had stayed in an unhappy marriage and not risked everything for a chance at my dreams...all my insecurities I wailed to her, she simply smiled and gave me her that was the total opposite of how I was feeling, and while it is totally possible that neither of us was totally right...neither of us were completely wrong either, the truth lied in the middle, but was not going to be achieved with me laying in bed.

In rising the next morning I limped to the mirror (yes I actually injured myself shooting out of a kid’s slide...something that does not improve one's notion of being "insecure")...and as I starred the looking glass down once more...I gazed upon the emerald eyes that I have tried to understand for so long and tried to comprehend how to be a peace with my insecurities.

And I realized, I just have to accept them.

All the things I don’t like about me, I can do my very best to change, to grow...but in the end, if it is who I is who I am, and I must love that, accept matter what.

In acknowledging my shortcomings...I come to terms with my humanity.

For while I am a princess, I am still mortal...therefore the things that I am insecure about, are the very notions that I learn from...that I use as steppingstones in the hopes of my enlightenment.

Questioning what makes me happy, what satisfies a much needed tune-up along my path...

I called my friend back, and thanked him for calling me out...and I let him know that I would be okay.

I told him about the writing jobs I had applied for, the school I had looked into, the decisions I had come to and the realizations...that instead of simply dreaming of a better, different life, I had to take action.

He replied, “Remember, if you don’t have only have nightmares.”

So as I arise from my bed of self pity...I keep my dreams on the horizon, and realized as long as I simply strive for what I desire, and be content with how far I have come...any insecurities I might have are only skin deep, and the more I try to overcome my insecurities and either change them or be at peace with them...the closer I come to my dreams becoming my reality.

Sometimes the things that make us cry the most...are the very things that give us the most strength...

It is simply in one’s perception.


THE WALKER (this is not my own dance, but was shown to me by a certain “fancy” lady that I know)

Start by putting you hands at 2 and 10 on the walker...about shoulder length you want to lean forward too (have you ever seen an old person using a walker who is not leaning forward) lift the walker with both hands at the same time about 2 inches forward and take a small step...breathe, take a couple second rest and repeat...until finally you get to where you need to go.

1 comment:

  1. Love you, Sunny. Take a moment to appreciate how many dreams you have realized. Because the truth is dreams are a renewable resource, we use them up and then we create new ones so there will ALWAYS be dreams on the horizon we have not yet achieved. That is not something to be sad about, it means you are doing something right. I get frustrated when I don't achieve as fast as I want to but then I remind myself that THE JOURNEY IS THE PRIZE.

    Watch these: and

    I love the lyrics from the ALO song Barbeque:
    The road is long and windy like a good mystery unfolding
    It twists and turns in colorful subplots and sunburns and fake out endings
    And sometimes my patience in the whole process starts bending

    As I attempt to unravel the web by traversing and rehearsing and perversing along the doubt-laden extension chord thread of my life

    And in this life we're free to dream whatever we want to
    But that doesn't mean that your dreams are gonna come true
    Instead as a way of getting us to move
    Life dangles your dreams in front of you
    And unable to resist the temptation, we continue

    And it's clear to me that this life is gonna be
    All about the dangling possibilities that keep turning in and turning out
    Yes it's clear to me that this life is gonna be
    All about the dangling possibilities

    The road is long and windy
    Full of twists and turns
    But before you can rise from the ashes
    You've got to burn baby burn

    Welcome to your barbeque
    Where we roast all the dreams
    That never came true
    Welcome to your barbeque
    Pig out and dream a new