Blog 89: I am Beautifully Broken (Love Tales Part VI)
Love Tales Parts I-V are blogs 10, 17, 35, 47 & 60
“Mysterious, blown in with the night, all this beauty captured in a frame, visibly shaken but never stirred, drives them insane, I see the way she plays her men, and I know I've got to know her name…she's so beautifully broken, shaped by the wind, dangerously twisted, here I go again” (you know I be quoting Mr. Warren motherfucking Haynes when it comes to matters of my heart…come on now…you should know that’s how I roll.)
Oh my love tales…these are some of my hardest blogs…my heart is something I like to keep very private and hold close, clenching it in comfort…it is beat and torn, shattered and tossed and worn…
I often find myself wondering if I will ever be able to love again…and on the rare occurrence that I do open the doors to my soul…well let us just say, not many men remember to wipe their feet upon entering.
It always seems to be the wrong ones that I let in, the one I become addicted to, the ones that are as damaged as I am.
The other day I received the most beautiful kindhearted note, from a man that is truly a good man. We had gone out on a lovely date awhile back but the truth of the matter is that I was not over my ex (I’m still not)…and while I was turned on by his pure nature, his drive and his strong hands…high five big hands!…he did something normal like touch me in public and I freaked the fuck out…(cause I am a crazy chick…duhhhhhhh)
The note went on to say how he was there if I was ever ready…
And it made me cry…especially considering I read it five minutes after having my heart broken again by a man who is damm fucking good at crumbling my heart over and over again.
It seems I ain’t never going to get it right.
Cause I am simply Beautifully Broken… “You can barely see the flaw, especially from a distance, which is always how I fall…”
All this heartache is beginning to turn me into stone (if you look close enough you may see it)…I try so hard to fight this feeling of granite penetrating my being, I try to put up my shields of love, sparkles and awesomeness in its path..I try.
But I am weak.
I am human…which totally sucks sometimes!
I try to let the right people in…I yearn to make the right choices…I pray that the softness may take over my heart once again…I get down on my knees at night and wail to a God begging for the supple illumination of my soul…for the beauty to take over the broken.
Sometimes it is just easier to turn myself off.
I was walking from one job to another today and a very nice man paid me a compliment and asked me out, I responded with, “Don’t even bother, I am a wasted effort…” pulled my hood over my head and simply walked away.
Sometimes I feel like I am just to fucked up to ever let the right person in…
I have never had a man just be good to me…WAIT, let me put that right…I mis-wrote…I have never had the man I desired be good to me the way I needed them to be.
And at this point in my life, I don’t know if I can actually let someone in…all the shit has pilled up pretty high…and my heart feels over burdened with grief and pain…
And more importantly…I don’t think I can take my heart breaking again…
It is a risk, that I desperately want to take, but am scared that this risk might just lead to more pain…more tears…I am petrified of becoming brittle.
Why does my heart want things that it knows are erroneous?
What makes us want what we shouldn’t have?
What is wrong with me? (please don’t answer that, we don’t have that much time)
The note the man had written also mentioned that he knew there was too much competition over my affection so he wanted to leave the ball in my court…funny…I always feel like I get the wrong kind of attention.
Awhile back I had a conversation with a man who was giving me the “low down” on men, and I wondered, “Why do all the wrong guys hit on me?”
He retorted, “Cause you are the type of woman that men want to fuck, not take home.”
There is an honest answer for you.
Did I want to punch him in the face…HELL YES…did I feel he was spot on…unfortunetly yeah…after the incidences that happen to me the other night…I can’t help but agree with him.
To be quite honest, I feel that it is a shame that I am somewhat screwed in the head and that a lot of men just see as a person to fuck…cause I am so much much more.
I know deep down that the sorrow that encompasses my heart also creates a pure eloquence…the trials that men have put me through during my time has created a woman of soul, shine and depth…
Maybe I just don’t give myself enough credit.
Maybe I just need time.
Maybe one day I will simply be beautiful.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
BLOWING OUT THE BIRTDAY CANDLE
(I would like to take a moment to wish a Happy Birthday to the most awesomeness boss ever…without you I would not have the strength and the hope that I have…cheers to many more years and getting through the tough times together and celebrating the good…I love you Pam!)
So this is a team dance people…start by crowding around one person and start talking, use some hand gestures, that totally sells the “talking” part…oh…part the sea, here comes another person with “the cake” in their hands, everybody clap and sing…the designated “birthday” person gets a big smile on their face, kissing the cheeks of the peeps on the right and the left, arms in the air, one final cheer and MAKE A WISH…fill your cheeks up with some air, and blow that candle out…Happy Birthday!