Blog 90: Comes a Time when the Blind-Man takes your Hand…
"Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says don't you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe"
I have been walking for so long, throughout the day and night, I have been stumbling for some time, trying to find my path, the horizon and the sunset have started to bleed together...exhaustion has taken me over...faith still stays a pertinent truth...and hope burrows inside my core.
I have done it, I think, I have started to leave the restaurant business...my final tie to my last chapter...a vocation I never did for me but for my ex-husband…my number one resolution of this year…has begun its accomplishment.
Entering my old job was a daily reminder of the shackles that held me to my past...my unwillingness to saunter into the unknown...to have enough balls to actually leave...
Well I guess I nutted up...cause while I am still part-time at the restaurant (I refuse to leave myself in a needy position, so if I have to work more to ensure my financial freedom than fine.) I am full time at a brand new job which I feel is something I can be very proud of and represents more of who I am.
There is a catch...
This shit is fucking hard…and I am talking hard like a seventeen year old boy after his first glances of midget porn…
And I don't know if I am going to make it...which is bizarre for me, cause I have never had a job I wasn't totally awesome at right off the bat...and yet I have never changed gears so severely before.
I have become a nervous wreck...I have started to stutter again like I did when I was six...I can't get my freaking words out, they feel stuck inside my throat like a gross acumination of hair inside a drain...failure looms in the back of my head, planting roots that totally go straight into the pipes.
I desire so bad to do well.
And yet I know I must simply surrender…
For the doubt...the worry will be my demise.
And my Destiny is my destiny...I need to let go and simply let fate take my hand and lead me in the direction I am suppose to go.
I know what I want.
And it might not be this job…but this is a stepping-stone down the right avenue.
I keep telling myself that I just have to keep plugging away at it…I will succeed... if I just do my fucking best…and if that is not good enough, I can always go back to full-time at the restaurant, I mean I make the freaking schedule for god sake.
But I don’t want to go back....that is not a good path for me...it does not satisfy me...and that just isn't good enough.
I am unsure which direction all this change will take me…but I can see is for the best if I just keep walking.
I know I have talent and potential.
And I have faith.
I will triumph in what I need to prevail in.
It has been a long time coming…I have and will continue to work my fucking ass off.
I know there is more for me out there.
The cold comfort of a job that has brought a stagnant breeze to my life…that has officially bored and belittled a woman such as myself...has grown into a burden I do not desire to carry...
I am ready to move on…and the only way to do that is to take this risk…this leap of belief…to make an effort at something I am not sure I am capable of doing.
At least I know I will have tried.
And I need to see, that is the only thing that matters.
“…You can't let go cause you're afraid to fall…”
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK:
THE MICRO-CLIMATE OF SAN FRANCISCO DANCE
So if you are like me (or a super awesome woman that inspired this dance) and you like to tromp around this city you know about every ten blocks the temperature changes in some sort of way and you either get way hot all of a sudden or super cold in a five step lapse…
Start by bundling up yourself, pull your hood on, hug yourself super tight…maybe even add a shiver in there for a good effect…walk a couple steps, maybe take some hits off a joint…I mean we are walking in San Francisco here peeps…anyhoo…man it just got hot as hell…take down your hood…tie your scarf around your purse strap and unzip your jacket…crappers, the joint went out…might as well take your jacket off while you have to re-light…take it off, put your purse back on your shoulder, shove your jacket into your purse while grabbing your lighter…spark that bad boy up…man that sun feels good, take a couple of steps and damm…the wind just picked up, maybe just the scarf will work…amble a couple more paces…damm it is cold as fuck, time to put the jacket on again!