Thursday, September 20, 2012

Blog 92: I am Scared, Pissed and Okay (Walking the Walk Part IV)

Blog 92: I am Scared, Pissed and Okay (Walking the Walk Part IV)

(Walking the Walk, Parts I, II & III are Blogs 26, 56 and 86, and are some of my all time favorite blogs, so please check them out.)

There are not a lot of things more frightening than a pissed off redhead…a petrified-furious ginger (don’t forget I was born on Friday the 13th here peeps)…well that is some serious shit.

And I am angry that I am so freaking terrified.

Cause the truth of the matter is…

I am Scared…really really scared.

Last week while at one of my jobs, I bent over and I had a series of pops go off in my brain on the back right side…they made me clench my head in pain…and as I was holding myself close…the entire right side of my body went numb, heavy and tingly.

I thought I was having a stroke.

I called my dad right away and he asked if I could smile…when I responded yes, he assured me that I was not having a stroke, but should probably go to the hospital.

Well I finished out my shift…cause that is how this hard worker rolls…

I hoped I could sleep it off.

The next morning the walk to my new job that usually takes six minutes took over fifteen, and I was a bawling mess of mascara and sparkles when I arrived to my destination.

And to the hospital I went…

I can’t think of anyone that likes going to the hospital…it really doesn’t smell that good.

I got poked and prodded and put into machines in which they kept on asking me if I had metal in my body…I would counter, “Does glitter count…I mean it is small chards of glass?”

May I also add that Spinal Taps…aka…Lumbar Punctures suck my ass times a billion…ow, ow, ow, owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww can we not put a six plus inch needle down my spin while I curl in the fetal position…like I am not in enough pain here…and if you are going to do it can I get an IV of some serious stuff!

And after all these tests, no one can say what is really wrong with me…it could be a couple things, some things that can heal, some serious stuff and some really serious stuff…the line from Kindergarten Cop keeps replaying in my head, “It’s not a tumor.”

Whatever the fuck happened to my body had no idea who they were dealing with! They must not have gotten the, “Sunny is a Queen Now” memo.

I have mentioned in previous blogs that ten years ago I used not be able to walk or hold a pen due to nervous system problems the doctors never found a reason for…I cured myself by exercise, diet and learning that pain is simply a part of life.

I gander it is time for round two.

That doesn’t mean I am going to like it all…and I know for a fact that this is not going to be easy.

I feel like I have to teach my right leg to walk again…it’s just not moving right.

I have taken to using a cane on my bad days.

And I look gangster as fuck with this cane, it was my grandpa’s, it is blackthorn Irish wood…and I despise having to use it…but sometimes in life, you need a crutch.

It would totally be more palatable if I did not like to amble so freaking much.

In recent days there have been times where I have just wanted to weep, where I wanted to hit a lot of shit with my cane (like people who cut me off as well as cars that honk at me for being to slow, chicken fuckers!)

Sometimes I have just simply wanted to give up…forfeit the drive and determination that I know this will take…and just rest in peace.

But life is a beautiful thing…

And I am going to be okay.

This is my battle to fight…my strength to earn…my life to live.

No matter what is wrong with me, I have to surrender…I have to let my journey take its course.

I have to have faith that I am going to win this war.

I have to remember, “This too shall pass”

And continue to Walk my Walk to righteousness…

Cause even if I hobble…I’m still going to make it there…wherever there turns out to be.

Cheers to the journey, to all the bumps and curves, it might sometimes be a gravel road but it will always have a killer view!



Take your index and middle finger and make a pair of scissors with each hand. Put the scissors together in front of your nose and drag them across you eyes being all mysterious and coy…now start to move them back towards the nose, as you do, swing your index fingers up and down creating the “cutting” look till they meet in the middle…and swept the open scissors back, and then cut them back in…keep on repeating until you have cut what you needed to cut…and boggie the whole time!


  1. Thank you everyone for the loving notes and messages!....I am feeling much better, I just have a couple more tests...but I have regained 99% of feeling on my right side and even though I am sore I am on the mend...many sparkles!...Sunny