Blog 96: Bathroom Rules, 101
Cause a Princess has been getting grossed the fuck out!
All right peeps, I know the Giants are in the World Series and the city as a whole has been drinking more. Where has all the booze gone? But seriously, let us not forget about the basics…and restroom civility is crucial…and smells so much better!
Your own Toilet:
Now if you live by yourself and have no roommates like yours truly, you have the right to behave however the fuck you want to in the bathroom. You don’t want to flush…fuck it…you want to pee on the floor…screw…you pay the bills, you clean up that shit (I hope to God that you do) you do with it as you please. That being said you might have to do what I do and leave a guest outside as you “lap” the inside before they enter…who knows what has been brewing…
If you have roommates or are living with someone that you hump, the rules change (especially in the humping scenario.)
Flushing becomes a must! Some things are just better kept private. Also a must is replenishing the toilet paper if you use it all up…that is what we call simply being proper! And yes, in this case…THE SEAT SHOULD GO DOWN! As well as, you should clean up any stray sprays you might have left.
You give the toilet some skid marks…you should probably drop some bleach on that bad boy…cause no one wants to witness that action!...ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
(Please note: if you are going to have guests over, especially the ladies…make sure you are prepared with toilet paper…don’t have women over if you do not have TP…it makes things totally uncomfortable and does not make you look good at ALL.)
Yikes! Public bathrooms can be scary…and can SMELL BAD…I feel it is our duty as humans to keep the war zones as clean as possible, simply for the sake of others if nothing else.
Bathrooms that are single sexed:
Boys good luck…I don’t know what the hell happens in their but…feel free to leave the seat up, urinals are your friends…and washing your hands after touching your dick and heading out into the public is always a PLUS!
Ladies…don’t be scared…it is just a toilet seat. If you feel grossed out, wipe it down and up your levels of toilet seat covers (I have gone up to 6) or feel free to make your own with layers of toilet paper.
But if you are going to pull the “hover craft” move and squat…LIFT THE SEAT UP…cause you know you piss like a fucking geyser and sprinkler the entire seat and ruin it for everyone else….if you don’t want a guy to do it, look in the fucking mirror and YOU don’t do it…put a little class in your crouch!
If there is only one restroom for Everyone:
Pray & Encourage the lifting of the seat…it just keeps the throne dryer.
Basic Bathroom Manners:
Turn the water off! It is really not that hard, and yet…there are ding dongs that still just leave that shit flowing…granted, it makes my ability to pee that much easier, but it is a waste…I do have a pee song…anyhoo…
Certain people need to flush twice…I don’t want certain images haunting my mind, just wait a second and flush again.
Paper towels…SHOCKINGLY…go in the trash can…not on the floor, in the corner, in the toilet…just in the trash can…I know this can seem like a crazy concept to phantom…but it is not hard, and just helps the general esthetics of bathroom.
Communicate with the staff if the restroom is missing supplies of necessity. How are people suppose to know they need more cowboy hats in the ladies room if no one tells any body…just saying…
Tell peeps if they get a “fax.” (A “fax” is when someone is walking around with a piece of toilet paper on one’s shoe.) Who wants to be walking around with paper stuck to their shoe? NO ONE! People should tell people about that shit…next thing you know Warren Haynes will be getting on stage with the Original Meters with a fax and even though he is thumping out “Just Kissed My Baby” you won’t be able to fully concentrate cause you are staring at the toilet paper stuck to his boot…totally hypothetically speaking…totally (That Independent show last year was sick!)
To sum it all up: The Golden Rule of life, “Treat others as you wish to be treated.” Is also the Golden Rule of the Restroom.
Now go eat some corn and check your shit out…
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK:
THE “ME” DANCE aka THE “SUNNY POWERS” DANCE
I would like to thank my friend for coming up with this dance move…it is totally awesomeness times 11.
Have someone say my name “Sunny Powers”…right after they say it, lift your right arm out straight with your hand spread and have your left arm protect your face…lift your right leg up in the beginning of a high kick and yell “BAMM!”…You are allowed to yell, “Say it again!” and repeat the dance move as many times a necessary.