Blog 20……Butt Walking & Tenderloin Weapons Part II
What does Butt Walking have to do with tenderloin weapons, settle down, I’ll get there.
I feel I first need to explain my “butt walks” cause I talk about them so freaking much……
But if you had my ass….wouldn’t you.
The History of Butt Walking
….Back in 2002, when I was 230lbs…I had a hard time walking, even writing for that matter. I had been put on disability and had been to numerous doctors and done numerous tests. No one knew what the fuck was wrong with me, all they knew is that something was wrong with my nerves and their endings. Well I had fallen into a depression and one day, my ex-husband had to carry me to the toilet….I had a “fuck this” moment. I joined the gym the next day. All I could do was swim for 10 minutes before I started to hurt. I did and extra minute each day, and after two weeks I did 5 minutes of very light weights. Well after two months of doing this….I could some what move again, and I was motivated to get all functionality back. I lived at the bottom of this massive hill, that I grimaced at when I saw people trudging up. I stared at the hill, it stared back at me……and I thought that if I could make it up the hill, I could lose all my weight, if I could do this, I could do anything. It was one of my toughest days, and a day I learned how to cope with pain, but I walked up that hill. 8 months later, I was 80lbs lighter, and that hill was only the warm up to my daily runs. Did I have pain still, yes, but I had learned to cope. And my ass had begun its ascend.
Today’s Butt Walk
I butt walk pretty much everyday now. I find hills to walk up all the time. I do have a favorite. On Taylor St, between California and Pine…the hill is so steep they put steps in it. I walk up the steps 10 times rotating how I walk up the stairs. I don’t work up a crazy sweat, but I feel it in my ass. Not only are butt walks great for my ass; they are a time to think, talk on the phone and space out. I know that if I ran, I would get way to tired and not work out because I would be exhausted. Butt walks are at a pace I can do daily and not crap out.
Now a lot of times I do butt walks at night………a lot of times I have these 2 ½ lbs weights that you stack and have the holes in the middle…so I can work my arms and my ass at the same time....I also figure I can use the weights as a twofer….for my arms, and to knock someone the fuck out if they think of messing up my ass improving time.
Which brings me to……
Tenderloin Weapons Part II….
1: My Metal Weights..
Do I feel like an idiot sometimes walking around with weights downtown…hell yes, do I give a fuck, hell no. I feel safe as fuck, no one even tries to mess with me, my friend even gave me a line to tell them (since I tell people I’ll take their eye home in my shoe with my corkscrew) she told me to say,
“I’ll take out your orbital bone……bitch.”
The orbital bone I have now learned is the half moon shaped curved bone underneath your eye. When she told me this, I told her to “settle down” but I also gave her a high-five. When you start naming crazy bones you are going to break on some chicken fucker’s face….they know you mean business.
And it is kinda fun to say “orbital”…..totally.
2: My Jerry Day Kazoo.
San Francisco can I give you massive props for dedicating an entire baseball game to Jerry Garcia. That was the coolest shit ever…times 11….totally. People were like, “Enjoy the show….I mean game.” I puffed at the park, Jerry tunes were playing and Billy and Mickey led all of us in a Guinness Book of World Records breaking Kazoo Concert in the 7th inning stretch. Somehow I ending up with two kazoos, while I keep one at work for birthday and high five ordering moments, I generally have the other one in my purse….(you don’t walk around with a kazoo in your purse….what the fuck is wrong with you.) Well one night I had forgotten my corkscrew and I was walking on a tough street and my boobs were looking, well awesomeness. As the cat calls started to come, I reached in my purse and the first thing I pulled out was my orange kazoo. I realized something that night, crack heads don’t mess with you if they think that you are crazier than them. At three in the morning my bright red ass was walking down Turk St. blowing my kazoo, sometimes spinning in a circle, doing odd songs….I’ve learned how to do almost all of GHOSTLAND OBSERVATORY’S “Sad Sad City”…awesomeness. As if I were Moses crossing the tenderloin seas, the crack heads parted, some of them even pointed and stared. I walked down the street with ease, having a great time to my kazoo song, not even a cat call, untouched and unfazed…..all the way to Leavenworth.
If you can’t beat them, join them…..totally.
3: My Hot Tea.
Since having to give up coffee because of my psoriasis….CHICKEN FUCKERS….I have been a tea drinking motherfucker. And just as a Loin cocktail with ice can protect…so can a hot ass cup of tea….and the hot tea bag in the eye can be salt on the burn (what is up with me and fucking up people’s eyes, I have no clue.) Just flip the lid off, toss and run.
I had to do it once….I yelled,
“Hot Tea in your face”
It totally worked….sometimes you have to MacGyver that tenderloin weapon shit up and just act. In the day I don’t walk with my corkscrew out like I do at night….
And I’ll say it as many times as necessary…
Ain’t no one going to fuck with my cute ass without a fucking fight.
4: The Sparkly Wand.
Now I don’t own a Sparkly Wand….I wish I did. But a couple of my girlfriends have one. One day my girl and I were walking and she was waiving her wand, she turned to me and said, “Man the crack heads really clear a path for me if I wave this wand around.” Once again, you weird out the crack heads, they are going to give you some space (a pink and purple sparkle wand that you run around with raised over your head might do this) and also, that wand fucking hurts, I have been hit many times in the ass with it and owwwwwww (I totally liked it) A sparkle wand definitely makes the list for Tenderloin Weapons, and it has glitter, another twofer.
We will save more for later….if you think of more, let me know, I’m always about protecting my cute ass, and lifting it a little more.
One thing I will say, even if a crack head or a dude is bothering you and you have to threaten them, it does not give you a right to be rude.
Being fucking rude is not proper.
And as a true princess, I am all about being proper and treating people with common respect.
I always say, “No thank you Darlin” and I just repeat, “no thank you” than if they don’t listen I lift up my corkscrew or whatever else I got, and as I threaten them, I end it with a darlin.
Because I would not have a problem with them doing whatever, if they weren’t freaking me the fuck out.
Now go be polite and don’t let anyone fuck with you…..times 10.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
(I love how you came up with this mama & the excitement you had about it)
The Defending yourself against the Dude with no Drink Control.
As a hot lady, not only do you have to protect yourself on the streets, but at shows you have to protect yourself from the drunk ass ding dong that dances to close to you and sloshes his drink all over you (chicken fucker) So put your arms in front, elbows at 3pm and 9pm, hands in the middle….And dance as you block and follow the drink. Oh he is going to spill…fake right, fake left, he is moving up, now down, now to the left again, follow it. Once in a while you might have to go on the offensive and hit his drink while you are blocking, especially if he has broken the line and spilled on you. Spill it back a little, and just give him the 'I’m cute' look and go “opps, I like to dance with my arms…sorry.” He can’t get mad, he likes to dance with his drink, you are cute....and sometimes…..worlds collide.
Till next time…..Sparkles.