Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Blog 34.......What defines a Ding Dong?

Blog 34………What defines a Ding Dong?

As a tromped my loaded, but very cute & sparkly ass around the Widespread motherfucking Panic shows this weekend, a thought popped in my head, “There are a lot of freaking ding dongs in this place”....(and I liked it)

Let’s start at the beginning. What defines a Ding Dong?..........

Good Question.

My version of ding dong comes from a friend up in Eugene who taught me the word(s). He is a perfect example. He is a wonderful, kind hearted person who is full of love and good intentions, that being said, he can do or say something stupid from time to time because he is human and shit happens, and we all get loaded. And sometimes when he fucks up or says something that makes you go “huh” he just looks at you and says, “I am such a ding dong” and his wonderful and beautiful lady responses with a, “Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.”

They are a couple of super cute ding dongs, those two.

One of my fondest “ding dong” moments with him was when we were all up in a hotel in Portland. I had passed out early due to ‘left turn’ shots and I guess while I was sleeping, pizza was ordered. Well, I awoke to a trashed hotel room with almost every piece of linen imaginable covered with tomato sauce. As I examined the tornado of sauce on my way to the bathroom, I pondered how I could have slept through such a storm. The bathroom was even more haggard with a piece of pizza in the toilet that someone had eaten all the topping off of. I tried to flush, nothing. I got my shoes on to go to the lobby to pee and ding dong awoke and I asked him what the hell happened last night (just as the ding dong I was sharing a bed with farted in his sleep) Ding dong gave me the look of non-remembrance, and I informed him of the piece of pizza in the toilet.

He than asked me with a sheepish look if someone had eaten the topping off of it……
I gave him the look....
He told me to flush....
I told him I did....
He said “do it again”....
I came out of the bathroom with a “prognosis negative” response....
“Flush again.” Was his answer....

Well obviously this was not the first rodeo that this ding dong had experienced with pizza in the toilet, cause, third time was the charm peeps.

See the thing is, we are all ding dongs, whether we pass out loaded, fart and don’t hear it even though every else does (and smells it) toss half eaten pizza in the toilet and play touch football with the linens to clean our hands, its not anything we meant to do, it just happened....and that is life.

I am a ding dong, I say and do stupid shit all the time, I don’t mean to, but hey, I’m human. And being human and a ding dong, go hand and hand.

I get introduced to a famous musician, and think it is totally someone else, and say the totally wrong thing and they get mad at me, whoops, ding dong move.

I dance stupid white girl dances on the dance floor.

I get so loaded at shows on psychedelics that I can’t really talk and still attempt to………ding dong move, (I can’t really even hear what people are saying at shows which is why I say, “Totally” so much)

Because I have been hurt so much I am scared of love………I need to get over that shit

And you can be a dumb or a smart ding dong…….

Like the dumb ding dong that spilled beer all over my sparkly dress during panic as he was trying to hit on me………

Or me acting like a smart ding dong (can you believe it) remembering that The Fox has floor vents so I grooved over one until my dress was dry, whose thinking bitches.

Then there was the stunned ding dong that pretty much turned, stood and starred at me when I moved upstairs next to him on the balcony, and after five minutes came two inches from my face and as he spit talked told me he “felt my dance moves”…………yeah that totally didn’t weird me out……but we all can act like ding dongs in front of hotties…………and I was wearing the sparkly dress.

And you gotta realize I see some ding fucking dongs in the Tenderloin.

The not thinking hippie chick that walks around barefoot in the Tenderloin....I know, I know, you want to feel the earth, but I just don’t think she gets the layer of pure grossness that is on top of the “tenderloin earth.” And if she saw what I see on a daily basis go on that sidewalk, maybe she would not make that ding dong move.

The crack head that is shaving his legs right in front of my house with the electrical shaver, even though the cord is wrapped around his leg (you got to plug that shit in ding dong)

My friend who is a total ding dong and went into one of the “massage parlors” in the tenderloin actually looking for a real massage....oh that must have been an experience, at least he knew what was up when they asked him about a “happy ending”

A ding dong is a ding dong, and we ding and dong through life, sometimes dinging the right stuff and donging the wrong, but we always bounce back, because we try our best.

I have found the easiest thing to do, it to embrace my inner ding dong, and just roll with it. We all have it inside, we might as well rock it to the best of our abilities……

You ding dong you……wellllllllllll.


(thinking of my friends in Eugene, brought this dance move back to mind, why it took so long I have no idea)

THE SHOPPING CART (and other variations)

CLASSIC SHOPPING CART: Put your hands on the Handle bar and start to push, grabbing items off each side of the shelf and putting them in your cart……don’t forget that from time to time you have to read the ingredients.

THE ANGRY SHOPPING CART: With your hands on the Handle bars walk briskly and angrily through the isles, throwing things in your cart, crap you grabbed the wrong thing, toss it out and slam the right thing in your cart, run over the old lady, you are in a hurry here....

THE MIDGET SHOPPING CART: Yes this is wrong, but fuck it, (please note, this dance is best done on grass or a soft surface) get down on your knees and put your hands on the handle bar and repeat the “classic shopping cart.”

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