Blog 35...To Love...(Love Tales...Part 3)
If only these weren’t my diaries, maybe I would not have to be so honest.
Shut the front door, I think I’m in love……and it’s wierding me the fuck out a little…(a lot.)
Since leaving my husband two and half years ago, I have been “anti love.” I mean I have tried the whole dating thing, many times. I tried the flings, tried relationships, but it just wasn’t my thing, I wasn’t into it at all. I met some fabulous men (and some true chicken fuckers/chode miesters) but even though some cut the bar, I let none stay...I did let one linger. I wanted my space and my opportunities.
I felt that in a relationship, I would not have my time to shine, to be me, or to be free. That I would never find anyone who would treat me the way I wanted to be treated. Yet I was basing this on my past relationships and dealings with men.
And of course, I needed time to heal.
And my prior relationships not being what I thought “good” to be, was also my responsibility, my ex, while being a total chicken fucker, was not the only one that sabotaged our relationship.
I came into my marriage, with no self-confidence, no direction, and no thoughts of “me”...my prior experiences with men were mostly painful, and haunt me to this day. When I met my ex, almost 13 years ago, I thought the idea that he wanted to be with me was good enough, and the fact of the matter is, while I am sure I loved him, I don’t know how I could have been in love with him, if I never was in love with myself.
Yet what a difference 13 years make. For the first time that I can remember, I am in love with me, and know I won’t settle for anything that isn’t exactly what or who I want. And know that no matter what, even if I am by myself for the rest of my life, I will entertain the fuck out of me, and be damm happy with it.
The last thing I needed was faith in myself.
Faith that I am making the right decision, and not fear I was making the wrong.
The Fear of making a mistake that lasts me 10 years again, had paralyzed me. Yet am I not the one who talks about how fear is such a waste of time, and in the span of our life time, and what follows, what is 10 years, but a small moment, in the many lives I have to come. And if fear is a waste of my thought process, than as I have also said, I need to start “walking the walk, and not just talking the talk.”
There is a man I have loved for a while now, and who I let linger because I knew in my heart his veracity as a man, his heart, his pureness. From a very early time in our meeting, I knew that I had loved him in a life before and would love him in a life again.
He asked me to learn how to be content, to have faith, to believe in him. Because as much as I believe myself to be positive, when it came to matters of my heart, I could not believe.
But to move forward, to move away from being petrified, I must have faith. And why in the world would I not want to be content. A content person, is the woman who I wish to be.
And while he is no perfect prince, I am no perfect princess.
And yet we love with a love that is more than love. I and my Papi.
So I made a decision...to love, to truly love, to let go of the fear, to not be the woman curled in the corner not letting any one in, but to release.
And for the first, ever I think, I am in love.
This man and I, we have seen the imperfections in each other, and yet we still love, we have let each other come to our own conclusions about the other, and we still love. And I feel its depth, its roots starting, the seed has sprouted.
For the first time in my life, I made love, and I am still baffled by it and shocked and shaky (in the good kind of shaky ☺…tee hee hee)...and ohhhhh, how I have been missing out, let me tell you.
I didn’t know a connection like that could exist.
Of course this totally might be contributed to the massive amounts of psychedelics I now take, that one is up for grabs, but hell, what a fucking trip.
And whether this trip lasts for a brief moment in time or spans many life times, for the first time in a long time, I am simply content with the fact that I have learned what this feeling is, for I had no idea.
And no matter what I would do it again, because this is a lesson, so worth learning, and I feel simply privileged.
I don’t even desire a seatbelt for this ride...look out for flying red heads...totally.
I will still probably be shaking when I land.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
A HOLE IN ONE
(this dance move was inspired by a crazy ass crack head, an let me just give you a move for move replay of his dance.)
You have the option of having your butt crack hanging out, this is just how the dude rolls...
Turn to the side, lining up your feet with your shoulders. Grab the golf club with a tight grip, swing your arms and the club back, take a deep breath, and SWING………don’t forget about your follow through. Now shade your eyes so you can watch your ball, man that one went far, keep watching, its still going, shut up...HOLE IN ONE, celebration dance time, oops don’t let the pants drop further...ahhhhhhh, sometimes its to late.