Blog 47... Sexual Sabbatical (Love Tales IV)
[Love Tales 1-3 are blogs 10,17 &35]
Did I really tell myself no sex for at least 2 months/up to 6 months...YIKES.
Why did no one slap me upside the head on this decision? (I could have really used it)
And since I have been 18, I have only gone without having sex for this long during my stints with psoriasis...I expect the path ahead to be laborious...but hey, I am one tough lady, and if anyone can do it...it shall be me.
So off on Sabbatical I go...because sometimes you need to get your house in order, and I have some spring-cleaning to do (crap does that still make sense if it is fall)
But a couple of blogs ago I called my friends out, and people tend to react in two ways when you call them out...they either get angry and pissed off, or realize that you wouldn’t be telling them this shit about themselves if you really didn’t care and they look at themselves and see their faults.
And while I had one react the first way, the other reacted the second way...and when you make people look in the mirror, it is only fair that you stand in front of the looking glass too, and sometimes the reflection...isn’t everything you wanted to see.
While my reflection was one of beauty and pureness, it was missing a brightness and a certain confidence.
Now when it comes to looks and intentions...I am confident and know my goodness shines incandescently...but my path is where I lack conviction...I need to figure out what I want to do in life...what makes me happy.
The one thing I lack true pride in is my occupation (not all of them, just the one I make my money on) while I do the best I can, it is not my dream job, and why should I not strive for everything that I want and more.
I also lack confidence in knowing what I want in a relationship...Do I want a committed relationship? Do I want to have a couple lovers? Do I want no relationship at all? ...I do know I want to be treated well and to be happy...so at least that is a start.
And I cannot give to another properly if I have not acknowledged my needs, and tended to them. And made myself all I can be.
And having just gotten out of a relationship that really fucked with my head and heart...I cannot jump into another without taking time to mourn...or to ponder why it did not work and to gaze upon myself and see what I could have done better, how I contributed to the failure of this union.
And in trying to sort out the deterioration, my inner light hit the mirror in a way that the reflection blinded me for a while...and as I prayed for the light to lose sharpness...I realized that me being horny and being sexual, was not helping me get any lucidity...(especially when you are still messed up from your last relationship...I am never going to treat someone right, especially one who treats me so right, if I do not get over my issues of the heart that this last partnership created.)
And maybe if I shut off the lower half of my body, I can focus on healing my head and my heart. And bringing myself to the place I want to be in life.
I mean, I know I can get laid, shit I even know I am awesomeness times infinity when it comes to sex...so why waste time on that chapter...(this sabbatical crap is going to be tough)
Sometimes (a lot of times) I feel boys just want to fuck me, they don’t want to be my friend or partner, cause while I am great in bed, I am a freaking princess, and it takes a lot of work and effort to have me in someone’s life, and many a time, people are not willing to put forth the effort. (lazy chicken fuckers)
And I am worth the work...times 11.
I need to remind myself of that.
And the less reminding I will need, the more I fulfill my own needs and dreams.
This will be an opportunity to find out who wants me for me, and what I am on the inside, not just what I feel like on the inside.
And I pray my head might clear and the answers might start emerging from the darkness if I start growing true friendships with the people I would consider being in a relationship with...and the fact that I bring the house down in bed has nothing to do with them wanting to be with me...it will just be an added bonus...(like the frosting on a cupcake)
Cause let’s be honest, as good as I am in bed, pales in the comparison to the person that I am.
Off on sabbatical I go...(are we there yet?)
God help the poor man that I break it with...we might have to start installing seatbelts on my bed....just saying.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
EATING THE CUPCAKE
Start by unwrapping the cupcake...take a little lick of frosting (maybe two, the frosting is pretty fucking good) then tear off the bottom of the cupcake and start to nibble on that. This leaves you with a more equal cupcake to frosting ratio...which I prefer. Then, holding what is left of the cupcake, eat all the edges first, leaving the center bite as the last...gaze at it lovingly, and devour...ain’t nothing like a cupcake, especially a red-velvet one...