Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Blog 48...To Forgive (Sabbatical Chronicles Part I)

Blog 48...To Forgive (Sabbatical Chronicles Part I)

Well I have made it a week into my Sexual Sabbatical, I think I gained 3 pounds, I am totally blaming it on the no sex thing...totally.

I sure the hell have been thinking a lot more, and trying to give myself more alone time with my phone off to just let myself swim in the river of thoughts flowing through my brain...I had no idea the tributary was so fucking deep...damm.

And while taking this time to figure out what I need and what I want, something my dad said to me about a year ago keeps flashing in my head.

I probably would have not even remembered it if my mom didn’t keep on pestering me about Thanksgiving plans...she wants me to join the family up in Brookings, Oregon...I went last year, it was the first time I had been back since the Thanksgiving that I decided to leave my ex-husband...when I went last year, it rocked me. All these memories of letting go flooded my head, I know I had made the right decision leaving my husband, but that by no means made it an easy choice...

I remember just bursting out into tears over the phone with my dad after the holiday trip, still trying to comprehend what exactly I was feeling...

My dad said...I had to forgive, I had to forgive my ex-husband, and I had to forgive myself.

I appreciated at first note what my father was preaching...and I strived hard for some time to forgive my ex-husband.

I think I finally reached that point to forgive him about four months ago when I found out he had a child with another woman.

For no matter how I feel about him, my feelings pale in importance to that of a child, a fresh face of life...and even though the news brought up memories of my own miscarriage and an odd feeling of my capabilities as “a woman”...any feelings of malice I had towards him, simply washed away.

I forgave him...

And on I went, doing my royal duties...and the closer the holiday season approaches, the more my mom keeps on bringing up the “thanksgiving thing” the more I fight it...the other day as I was on one of my late night walks the thought of going to Brookings flashed in my head, I recalled how upset I got last year... and in an instant, I knew why I did not want to go.

My dad’s words flashed in my head and I realized I had forgotten to accomplish the last part of his advice...I had to forgive myself.

I haven’t forgiven myself and I should.

I need to...

It is what is holding me back.

I learned so much from the mistakes that I made, from my loss, and I have climbed so high and even though I have struggled every step...I keep on walking up my hill.

The little girl I was when I met my husband, was the not the woman who left him, and is a mere shadow of the princess I am today.

I need to forgive myself for what I think was a mistake.

Marrying my ex-husband was not a mistake, it was a choice I made in my life that helped me become who I am today, and that is fucking awesomeness...and there is nothing fucking wrong with being awesomeness (especially when it is awesomeness times 11)

And finding the strength to leave a marriage that we were both unhappy in...that is proof of my veracity as a woman.

One cannot forgive oneself in a thought...

But the concept can kindle the fires of self-forgiveness which only time can ignite...

And it’s not like I can’t light a fire here peeps...

(and if there is a fire, can we please have smores...please)


(this is another one of my lame affirmation dances, but whatever...you like it)


Go saunter your hot ass in the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror...and tell yourself that you forgive yourself...for being a dumb ass, a chicken fucker, a ding dong, a bad friend, a bad lover, being selfish, not doing what is always right...anything that you do that you know is not being the best you, you can be...forgive yourself and be done with it...RELEASE

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