Blog 49...It aint easy being Cute...
As I walked home the other night, bawling my eyes out, I prayed for my psoriasis to come back and ravage my body again, to make me like a leper again...so that I would not have to deal with the pains of being cute, and that people who wanted to be with me, would want me for what is inside and not what I look like on the outside.
For it is not easy being cute.
I could not wear nice dresses, not go on butt walks, I could stand still at shows and ignore the electric current the music jets through my body...but it makes me feel so good when I work out, wear a beautiful dress or dance my ass off...but I don't want the attention that comes with it...How do I find a happy medium?
I would like to walk down the street and not get whistled and gawked at. (my favorite is when they get mad that I don't respond to the cat-call...how does one respond to "ohhhh red, what a view from behind, I could bite that ass."....how I wish I could have the power to blink and blow someone's head up)
I would like to go to a show and not have a married man hit on me and than get mad when he gets called out on it. How was I suppose to know that I wasn't allowed to tell anyone that you were hitting on me (obviously I told the wrong person cause they just made the shit storm worse...but it never would have happen if the man with the ring around his finger didn't ask me to make out with him in a closet via text...in his world, texts don't have "tone" so it wasn't coming on to me...It aint easy being cute, but at least I'm not a dumb ass.)
I would like to go to a show and not have women get jealous of me. I don't want your fucking man, for god sake, I am on sexual sabbatical, my love life is enough of a shit storm, I do not need to add to the hurricane. And I don't want a man that is in a relationship. That is to much shit storm for me, too much bad karma...no thank you...I don't go out looking for dudes, it is not my thing. I would like to smoke a joint with both of you, get to know you, groove to the music...cause I would always like more friendly faces to say hi to...
Even friends get mad at me for being cute. It really sucks when someone who is suppose to be your good girl friend gets jealous of you. To put so much time and effort into a friendship and then just have her shit on it cause boys that she likes pay attention to me (not even hit on me, just pay attention)...well darlin, just a side note, they might pay more attention to you if you didn't have that ugly jealousy mask all over your fucking face, cause that shit is far from attractive.
I would like to go to a show and not get hit on period. Not be followed around by a complete chode who every five minutes wraps his arms around my waist and tells me "I own the barber shop next door, you should come and check it out." I don't give a fuck what you own, what you do, I don't give a flying fuck, I am at a show, I am here to listen to music...SHUT THE FUCK UP.
And if you are going to talk to me, talk to me about shit that matters, not how you want to get with me, cause you don't even know me.
I guess that is what I don't get.
I don't think I'm cute cause of how I look.
I'm cute cause I am a ding dong, have a high voice, say odd things that crack you up, have good intentions, am a sweetheart, give "snugglets" as hugs and so forth.
And you have to know me, to know that about me.
When I told my girlfriend that the married man had hit on me (I hadn't realized he was married at that point...we both hadn't) she asked how I felt about it, I said "I don't know...I don't know him, I don't find someone cute unless I know them."
"Yeah, your weird like that" she responded.
To me, that is not bizarre, it is reality. After having psoriasis all over my body, being covered with spots from head to toe, I just don't see "cute" in the same eyes.
Beauty or cuteness of the skin level comes and goes...but what is inside, shines...incandescently.
And that is what kills me so much...that it aint easy being the kind of "cute" that a lot of people think of.
But it is hella easy to be my kinda "cute"...
You just be you.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
So before you do this dance move, make sure you have some distance from the person behind you...you don't want to go elbowing people in the face.
All right, safety first, pull down your goggles, then just like the lawnmower, you got to prime...pump that shit, three times should do the trick, now pull that string back...it is all about the follow through (hence the distance between you and the person behind you)...you might have to pull it about 3 times before it starts, but you will know when you got it cause your body starts to shake instantly, now turn the saw, get your sawing stance on (mine is the left foot at 10 and the right at 5) and saw that fucking log bitches.