Blog 60: Being Heartbroken Sucks! (Love Tales Part V)
(Love Tales Parts I-IV are Blogs 10, 17, 35 & 47)
Sometimes I hate that these are my diaries and I have to be so fucking honest, that I have to show my weaknesses and my insecurities and put all this shit out there...but I am a firm believer that being honest is one of the best things that I can do...and this project began as my diaries, and I am going to stay true to that...no matter how much of a ding dong it makes me feel.
I am heartbroken and it SUCKS!!!!
It is like this hallow valley in the middle of my core that I can’t seem to cross, I will see an oasis once in a while along the desert path, but it is only a mirage, hiding the numbness that has taken over my being.
This is a notion I have been fighting for so long, but a decision I knew I had to make.
I met this man before I even started writing my diaries...he has been with me since the beginning. I have written about my frustrations, I have confessed my love for him for everyone to read, I have declared my freedom and acknowledge my comfort in his warmth. Yet our relationship has compared to the fiercest battle of ping-pong championship level action-ness ever.
We are lovers, we are in a relationship, we are committed, we aren’t committed, we are together, we are broken up, we got back together but we aren’t committed, we are committed...ahhhhhhhhhh.
(Anytime we were committed I stayed true...I take solace in that...anytime we were not committed I didn’t stop searching.)
I knew I had to come to a firm resolution this time around cause my neck was starting to fucking hurt...not to mention my heart.
I saw it touch down upon the horizon, others saw it...My friend told me a couple weeks ago while we butt walked, “ever since your trip I have seen you mourning the end of this relationship, and not being able to get there yet.” Maybe you did too, after all, one does not write “Being Alone” when their matters of the heart are at peace...I personally drank for like a week.
And as I dealt with the passing of a friend, I longed to have my partner by my side, to be held in his warmth, to simply cry in his arms.
Yet that was not an option for me...because I think one of the main reasons our relationship didn’t work was that he was never here...his job is on the road and when he was off the road he was like 3,000 miles away, where he lives...and that shit, that shit is hard...no matter how deep the connection fucking is.
And if I am going to commit to someone, I need them here, not all the time, but more often than not.
But what makes all of this so fucking hard...is how much we both truly love each other. Anyone that saw us together could see it, we both cannot deny it...it is the one thing that kept us coming back to each other. A deep-rooted connection that neither of us had ever experienced...the “wow” factor.
But we were not on the same page in life, and I am pretty sure that if one of us were able to, we would have offered the other a chance to jump aboard ship and experience the journey together...but neither of us were financially capable of doing that for the other...and I also think we were both too hurt from past relationships and losses to trust the other with our hearts as innocently as we should...guarded with our feelings...would be a good way to describe it.
I have often said, “Sometimes people can’t love each other the way they need to be loved.”
And it is a lesson I keep on learning.
And to be quite honest, a lesson I hate.
The only thing I can do is to learn from this, maybe that will dampen the sorrow that has begun to make my body ache.
Cause the truth of the matter is, I miss him...I do that thing that really pisses me off where I look at my phone to see if he called (to the point where I have just started to turn my phone off so I don’t look at that stupid thing anymore)...I check my email to see if he sent me a note and I think about reaching out to him even though I know I must stay strong...
For this conclusion has been reached for a reason.
The last time we broke...I jumped into a relationship with someone else way to fast and when I discovered it wasn’t right for me...and became so confused I yelled “Sabbatical”...(Yeah, that lasted for like 3 weeks...and I was totally impressed with myself...and if fact, this man is the only man I have been with since I broke sabbatical and since we have been apart for over a month...I have been on an un-purposed sabbatical, but one none the less)...And when I went back to him, he said that things would be different...but walking the walk and talking the talk are not the same things...and sometimes the talk that people talk...is not the walk they wish to take.
And when you truly love someone, you need them to take the path that makes them happy, and if that is not a direction that makes you happy, you need to acknowledge that, hug them a soft and everlasting hug, and ascend upon your own road that leads to your self-satisfaction.
Ain’t that the fucking truth!
My emotions go in ungallant waves, I’m okay, I’m not okay...yet I know, just as my daddy says, “This too shall pass.”
I walked the Labyrinth yesterday at Grace’s Cathedral...I started thinking, I can do this...than changed to...I have been here before...are we there yet...how did I end up close to the beginning...now I am more closer to the outside than the center...and than, just like that...I made it.
The whole time that I was having doubts, part of my mind acknowledged the fact that I knew I would make it...because I have before.
I knew I would question whether or not I could get to the center...but did not second guess what the end result would be.
And as I walk the Labyrinth of heartbreak, I know how the story ends but can’t help but ask, “Are we there yet?”
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
PAINTING THE WALL
(Cause sometimes, you just need a new coat of paint)
All right, start by laying out your tarp, than begin taping the ceiling and the floor (remember we have other dancing moves to do and this is painting the “wall” not “room” so there is no need to go “tape crazy”)...go grab your paint can and the tray you pour the paint action into and the roller thingy and bring them to your tarp...open the paint can, damm that shit is a bitch and a half, don’t forget to stir the paint, pour it out on the tray action, grab your roller thingy, get some paint up on that bitch, and put a coat up on that wall...and do it right, or you will just keep on having to do it again and again.
That was some hard fucking shit to fucking write.