Blog 61: Chodes in Action...(Adventures of a Chode Hunter Part Three)

Blog 61: Chodes In Action...(Adventures of a Chode Hunter Part Three)

Adventures of a Chode Hunter Parts One & Two are Blogs 31 and 52.


...As the rain rests in the distant a faint smell has approached the Tenderloin, and no, it is not the excess of urine brewing (that is a smell I must sadly say I have almost...almost is a key word here peeps...become accustomed to)

And it is not the smell of crack being smoked on both sides of me as I walk out of my apartment...the smell of piss is way stronger than that...

No, No, No...it is the smell of silly and not-so-silly trouble, of odd looks... giggles, loud snorts and a hushed voice saying “welllllllllll”

Yes, put your noise in the air and let the wind hit and breathe into your senses...sniff...sniff...it smells like some chodes up in this mug.

I do not know if it is the time of year, or the fact that I am single again...maybe my new perfume has a chode attractor I am not aware of...who knows...but in recent weeks, sightings of “Chodes in Action” have multiplied and sightings of Big Foots have gone down...and as a lady, I am always into seeing a big foot more than a chode...(I mean we all know what they say about a man with big feet)...anyhoo...

Sighting #1...
I felt their glazes on the back of my neck...every time I turned I would witness the last speck of them ducking behind another person...and as I twisted around I would catch a glimpse of them darting back out and felt their glance lay in my direction.

For the beginning part of the night we played this game...I trying to dance farther, them weaving behind me, alas the bar was too small and all my maneuvering away had made them weary and like a skilled set of chodes they posted up by the bathroom, where eventually I strolled.

Managing to dodge the chodes on the way in by ducking behind a tall fellow I was not as lucky upon my return...they had created a CHODE BARRIER with two of their friends (Chode Barrier=a line of 3 plus chodes standing shoulder to shoulder in order to not let hotties pass so a chode can than make a lame attempt to hit on a lady)...

As I approached the barrier I exhaled a hallowed breath of defeat...one of the original two men that were canvassing me stepped dead in my path as the three in the back tightened the line...extending his hand to me he said, “My friend thinks you are hot and wants to take you out”...I took a small glance up to see his friend flanking the right side of the line waving at me...the man in front continues...”I think you are pretty hot too, if you like me better”...as he finishes his friend approaches me...

He whispers in my ear...”I think you are hot”

As I stand there, not being able to put my head up, I shake...as giggles build in my belly, I try to remain calm...a giggle snort escapes and I am forced to grab the bar...

As I try to pass the barrier on the left, the Chode on that end grabs my shoulder and says, “I think you are hot”...grabbing his arm and keeping it straight so I could use it to pivot...I retorted...”I will have you all know that I am a cool 96 degrees”...I walked away leaving bewildered looks on their faces...The two chodes only approached me 5 more times that evening, each time, walking up, starring at me and saying “I think you are hot.” (Cause God knows, I hadn’t heard that before.)

Sighting #2
As I avoided the area around the bathroom at the second half of the show, I was approached by a TITLE CHODE (Title Chode= a chode who thinks because of his job, his background, or his status that he is hot and should get laid...i.e...I am a doctor, I am blah, blah, blah the third, I am a musician, I am Italian, I surf...that just this one aspect of them is enough to get them laid...oh and ps...most of the time the Title Chodes are lying and full of shit)

Without an introduction a young CIT (Chode in Training) approached and looked at me and said in the worst fake English accent ever... “I’m British”...I looked at him with my big doe eyes and a blank expression, he repeated... ”I’m British”...(was there a “Today we are all playing the Repeat Game” memo that I missed or something)...being flustered from the barrier before I replied with my standard...

“Wellllll, I only fuck chickens...definitely not English men.”

He excitedly replied in his real voice, “Can I watch.”

Again, the hallow breath of defeat, this time, lost at my own game...exhausted by the stench of not only chode but defeat...the final twist of the sword came when the CIT leaned in and said in the attempted English accent, “I would love to watch, and don’t forget...I’m British.”

I grabbed a cocktail napkin from the bar and raised it above my head, signaling the sign of surrender...(A Chode Hunter must call surrender when she has had to much chode-ness, or she might be devoured by all that is chode-ness...and start to respond...and feeding a chode’s fire, is the last thing you want to do.)

No good-bye lap at this show, my friends would understand when I told them I was under “Chode Attack” and outside I ran to hail a cab...

Sighting #3
As I whistled with my purple-flashlight-whistle-thingy...a town car pulled up...after he told me it would only be 10 bucks to take me home, I hopped in.

As he began to hit on me, I became uncomfortable and told him I was suddenly hungry and wanted him to stop soon so I could get a bite to eat...as he pulled up to a taco place I gave him 10 dollars and got out of the car...he tried to give me back my money and told me that he would come in with me and give me a ride home.

I explained to him that I liked to walk after I eat and would be walking home and he could go about his work evening...as he began to exit the car I put my whistle back to my lips and started to blow shrill-high-pitched notes out all while I pointed my finger at the driver...a chode is not always a dumb-ass for off the town car driver drove (please note: when you are driving or with a CHODE CREEPER wait till you are in a place with other people around before you let them know you are not interested...be a smart and safe Chode Hunter)

As I walked my way home, cork screw in one hand, whistle-flashlight-thingy in the other...I let the cold air numb my mind...I thought of all the other chode encounters I had experienced through out the week...

I needed to go home and re-energize and get my defenses back up, for this battle was far fiercer than I could have imagined...and as I walked into the pit of the Tenderloin the smell of urine overtook me and made me take two steps back...but the taste of chode lingered on my tongue...

Until the Next Hunt...

DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK

FIXING THE SINK

All right, walk up to the sink and turn on the water, open up the cabinet below the sink and check for any leaks, ohhhh, there is one...turn of the water and get down on your knees, grab your wrench from your tool box and start to work on tightening the pipe action-ness...remember... righty=tighty ...now turn the water back on, YES!!!! You stopped the leak, now please pull up the back of your pants...jezzzzzz...