Blog 69: Letting Someone Down….
What makes us take one path, instead of the other?
This last week, I let someone I love down…a friend, a boss, a mentor…someone I look up to and I love…I let them down because I was selfish, I was caught up in the moment, and while I was letting her down, I was letting myself down as well.
See even a Princess can be a chicken fucker.
I put someone else before her…and what kills me is the person I put first, never puts me first…their job, their friends and a laundry list of things always come before me…and yet I put him before my job and my friends…and I wish I could take back time…that being said…oh what a lesson I have learned.
While I disappointed my friend and know she has every right to be mad, I also know that our friendship is stronger than this incident…I have faith that I have been a very good friend…I know that I have loved her, stuck up for her, and been true to her, just as she has helped me, it has not been a one sided road…I know I put an effort into the relationship…which is one of the reasons that I am so mad at myself….yet I know that our friendship is stronger than this, and after time passes, so will the disappointment I made my friend feel.
I also know that maybe at my age…she might have made the same mistake…it doesn’t justify it at all, just humanizes it.
The truth of the matter is that what I did was not that big of a deal (I didn’t show up for something I was suppose to…and an effort had been made by this person so I could go) and it was not that I had bad intentions or any intent of malice….but that does not take away from the matter that I let my friend down…and I love my friend more than words can tell…
I simply got caught up…distracted by matters of the heart (ohhhh, those matters of the heart can really take a girl over).
I am ridden with mortification of my actions…my choices.
And feeling guilty, really sucks…it torments me and ravages me when I awake…it sneaks into the back of my head when I am trying to space out and forget, I have been finding myself shaking my head to myself and just thinking, “how could I have been so stupid”….which has lead to my neck kinda hurting…ouch.
Now granted, maybe my feelings of “guilt” are stronger than they should be, I was raised Catholic after all…they really bang that shit into you at a young age…but I think the real reason I feel so guilty is that I saw this happening on the horizon and I did nothing to fix the situation…I let my emotions sweep me away.
And maybe she hasn’t given it a second thought, but the truth of the matter is that I have…for as much as I disappointed her…pales in comparison to how I have made myself feel.
I made the classic woman mistake of putting a man before my friends…my true friends…and we all know the saying, “men come and go….”
And in putting someone first who never reciprocates the action, I really did let myself down…for when it comes to my heart, I am weak, and somewhat of a dumb ass (reason #194 why I am not yet a Queen)…I in no way mean this man does not love me, simply that he is not capable of loving me the way I need to be loved, or does not want to and I am fully aware of that (a lesson I keep badgering into my head)…I just keep coming back to be punished again and again…I pray for the day that I achieve the strength to walk away (but remember walking the walk and talking the talk are two very different things.)
As I marched to meet him the night of the incident, I felt the pull…the lure, in the back of my mind I knew that something bad was going to happen…and yet I kept on proceeding in his direction…see, this man is like a drug to me…he is an addiction I must kick and yet have no clue how…I am completely aware in my head that I deserve a man who will put me first as I do him, a man that doesn’t make me cry all the time, that realizes my importance…but a gluten for punishment I must be.
I wonder if he feels this same remorse when he lets me down…
It is easier for me to deal with him letting me down than to deal with myself letting me down…we are always harder on ourselves.
Why do we let ourselves down?
It is a question that I have been pondering since that night…and one I have so many thoughts about, yet so few answers.
I know I am not the only one…that puts the wrong people first, that gets caught up in what is happening at the moment, that is weak when it comes to love…
And when will I stop letting myself down…when will I learn my lesson…how long before I can finally kick my habit?
Sometimes this whole “choice” between right and wrong is a bitch and a half and I could really use more of a road map…totally.
Why did I follow the lure?
Even though I knew it was the wrong hook to bite.
Why did I not listen to the voice in my head? (then again, I know I should not listen to all the voices I my head…welllllllll)
Why am I so weak?
(I think the main reason I am so powerless is because I love it when this man holds me, I feel so safe in his arms, I disappear to sleep, floating on a soft cloud…the waking up part is the bitch and a half.)
I thought I was a strong-ass-bitch, I believed my priorities to be intact and than whammmmmmmm, just like that…I become a chicken fucker.
Oye, the parallels of being human.
The truth of the matter is that as much of a lesson as I have learned…I am probably more often than not going to follow my heart…that is just the reality of the situation…for who does not want to be loved.
Following my heart has led me to my highest highs and my lowest lows, to my greatest gifts and my most mind-numbing lessons.
And if I did not fuck up like I did this last week, I would not be realizing just how important my friends are to me (not that I didn’t know but sometimes you need a good slap upside the head)…the companions that have shown how much I matter to them…now, after my schooling I am one step closer to overcoming my addiction. (I am just not a “cold turkey” kinda girl)
I pray that I learn to make the right choices…to have my priorities in order…to tap into the strength I know I have…I hope that for all of us.
The homily I gave myself this week I will carry with grace…and I feel eventually, it will help lead me in the right direction.
Here is to hoping, and to a whole lotta faith.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK:
MAKING THE COCKTAIL….(cause sometimes you need a drink)
I like to shake things up…so first things first…I grab a shaker and than crack some ice cubes out of those tray thingies you got in the freezer and pop them in my shaker, don’t forget to put some in your glass to chill that bitch off…now…booze time ☺ if you are going to do 2 kinds of booze to a 6-8 count on each, one kind of booze gets a 12-16 count…I am a fan of citrus so I squeeze some citrus in that mug, maybe a splash or two of some juice action…now put the lid to the shaker on and SHAKE THAT SHIT UP….keep going…dump the ice from you glass (into the sink not on the floor ding dong) and strain that drink into your ice cold glass…sniff…smelling good is always important… it smells good, time to enjoy…CHEERS.