Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Blog 75: To be FREE (Being Divorced...Part II)

Blog 75: To be FREE (Being Divorced…Part II)

***Being Divorced, Part I…To be Scared is my previous blog…Blog 74.***

“…I’m going to love the life I live, and I’m going to live the life I love…”

Like a phoenix rising in the east…I feel as though I am soaring sometimes, the wind of freedom blows my hair and brings pink to my cheeks…since leaving my husband three years ago…I have truly become me….

It is an ideal that I lavish…TO BE ME…to grow, to fuck up, to learn…and in turn to love myself for the first time in my life…

When I wrote Blog 74 about “being scared” I had a bunch of friends call and message me with words of kindness and encouragement…some told me how brave I was, how strong, how I inspired them to be themselves…how I should be proud…how they didn’t want to see me sad or scared…I simply smiled, gave them a thank you that came from the bottom of my heart and retorted, “Don’t worry about me, you must have forgotten about Part II.”

I am a firm believer that you must see the darkness in order for the dawn to warm and to truly learn from the twilight.

For while I am petrified and scared shitless of letting someone in, I am also quite selfish and really am not ready for anyone to take away from my “me” time.

Cause I like me some me…

Why would I not?

I spent almost 30 years of my life not loving me, wishing I were different, wanting to be someone else, caring more about others than myself (while it is vital to care for others it is impossible to do so in the proper way if you do not have that drive for yourself)...

And that is no way to live…

Today when I awake in the morning it is to live a life of my choosing…to be the person I wish to be…constantly learning, always searching…and finding acceptance within reality.

I have learned not to let others dictate my dreams…or to even imagine what will make me happy tomorrow.

Before, I thought having a house, a business, a marriage, a nice car, fancy shoes, dogs and a garden was going to bring joy to my life…but my thirst was not quenched…and I yearned for satisfaction.

And today, I don’t have all the shit I want, but I have what I need…I am content…a feeling that completes me in ways I never knew possible…a notion that shines its light on me through the darkest of times…when holding myself in the fetal position I can open my eyes and as the tears part, I bask in the light…I live a blessed life.

When I moved to San Francisco I made a promise to myself…TO LIVE…to enjoy every moment…no matter if the lesson is cruel or a crowning moment…the outcome is a better me…and it is a covenant that I have held true.

I have subsisted an existence I could only wonder of before…when I was married my sleep was restless and never sound…today I am exhausted, and I don’t remember my dreams at night…but only the daydream that is my viability.

And I can honestly say that if I die tomorrow…it is okay…for I have lived…which is something I could not have said three years ago.

This time I have spent focused on me has opened my doors to the liberty of self-love.

To be okay with who you are, to do your best and learn along the way.

When I left my marriage, I stumbled…and fell quite hard…as I clawed my way out of the darkness…I began to find my inner strength, my light and my “grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

It was what had been missing from my life.

The strength of acceptance…the sweetness of the deliverance to be me.

The old me was so lost…

I would look at myself in the mirror and hate what I saw, I could not see beauty in the looking glass…for my light was trapped…enveloped by the shroud of self-doubt.

Today I am quite impressed I haven’t broken my mirror for the amount of times I high-five the naked me starring back at it…

Now I look the same I did all those years ago…actually I have more wrinkles now and I have started to get those purple vein thingies on my legs and my arms aren’t as buff…so I might have looked better back in the day…

Yet my trials and tribulations and how I have weathered the storm and found comfort within is breathtaking. It is I being blinded by my own illumination that cause my victorious arm flaps.

I survived…and the outcome…is quite sparkly!

If I had never emancipated myself from my husband, and taken this journey alone…and become attune with my glow, my fight and my courage…I would have never learned a lesson, I so needed to attend.

Cheers to the freedom to be who you wish to be…

Cause you got to keep on keeping on.



(If you are like a certain sister I know you can take this dance even further and take your toothbrush out of your purse and put it in your hand…)

Dash about five feet in front of your buddies and land next to someone, turn your head towards them and go “Meep, Meep”…than dash off to five feet to the right, turn your head and say, “Meep, Meep”…and continue your running and your “Meep, Meeps”…please note to anyone on the receiving end…Roadrunners take bowl breaks…a princess is just saying.

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