Blog 76: Party Professionalism (Part I)
Being a “party professional” comes from at one point or another being a “rookie partier” and making dumb ass choices and decisions and learning from them…in realizing a few simple key factors one can avoid the toddler stages of “RAGING”…
I by no means consider myself an “expert” on the matter, but will simply say, “This is not my first rodeo” and leave it at that.
Now let’s get down to business, shall we...
RULE 1: KNOW WHEN TO GO HOME
Last week, my friends got me super loaded (of course I am a grown woman so the blame actually lays on me) and as they tried to get me to go out for “round four” I was having a hard time keeping it together in my apartment…as I arose from my bed I realized that me standing up was taking a lot of effort. I turned to my friends, gave them my keys and said, “You all go, this bunny is staying in for the rest of the night.”…they started to give me shit and I simply stated, “It is taking a shit ton of work on my behalf to simple remain vertical at this point, I should not go out…I will be a hot mess and fall the fuck over…I am a party professional…and part of that is knowing when to fold.”
I totally got called a chicken fucker, but whatever, they did not have to take care of me for the evening and as soon as they left, I passed the fuck out.
There is no point in embarrassing yourself in public (more than we already do naturally)…if you are having a hard time grooving…get off your feet and call it a night.
RULE 2: PUKE IN YOUR OWN DAMM TOILET
It is your dumb ass fault that you drank/partied to much to hold your shit down…and you need to be the ding dong that cleans that shit up...This one time last year at The Boom Boom Room, I fell into this puddle and started to go down very quickly…I took a TO in the bathroom and all of a sudden the feeling of “puke city” came over me and I collected myself, made a quick exit and hailed a cab…when I got home I started to walk up the stairs (why I did not take the elevator is beyond me) as I got to the second floor, I puked a little in my mouth…and for a moment I thought about letting it fly…but then the thought of me walking down the next morning to get coffee and smelling old puke made me keep my mouth shut…and up I ascended…two more flights of stairs keeping the puke in my mouth until I had opened my door and lifted my toilet seat…cause I will be dammed if anyone is cleaning up or dealing with my puke but me.
(Sunny Festival Advice: if you need to puke at a festival and don’t want to hit the Honey-Buckets or puke in plan view, go into your tent or car with a trash bag and just barf in that bad boy, it makes clean up a breeze and no one is the wiser…I am speaking from experience of course.)
RULE 3: GUM IS CRUCIAL
Gum is just a smart thing to have on you when partying, it helps with cottonmouth, beer breath and such. If I am talking to someone with bad breath I will offer them a piece of gum…I feel like it is part of my civic duty…there are times when I have been out that I have simply felt saved by a single stick of gum.
That being said, you got to let people know if they start kicking the “horse chomping gum chewing.” Some people might say it is mean to call a person out when they are chewing gum like a freaking mare goes through wet hay…I call it being honest…and if I am smacking loud enough for someone to hear me across the room I would hope that someone freaking tells me…(that being said it is also proper to tell peeps when they have shit in their teeth, boogers up their nose, the white stuff that forms on the side of one’s mouth or toilet paper on their shoe…one should not let others walk around with that shit rocking.)
RULE 4: WATER WATER WATER
Water, club soda, coke, ginger ale, a shirley temple…all things that are not booze and you should have throughout the night…when going out drinking, you should know when to stop drinking…knowing some little tricks can help you keep control…cause it is fun to get tipsy…but it really is not that fun (for yourself or your friends who have to deal with you) to get shit-face wasted.
Tips I have learned along the way…don’t use the straw, you drink slower…I usually get drinks on the rocks so I can pour water in it along the way and make it last longer…don’t do shots, those usually lead to memory loss…drink a bottle of sparkling water in between each cocktail...and knocking over a glass means it is time to switch to water…
RULE 5: DON’T FORGET TO EAT
Especially during times of marathon partying you need energy and stamina, food is pivotal…when I was young I could not eat when I was loaded…oh how the times have changed…lets be honest, it totally soaks that shit up and sometimes that is beyond necessary…you don’t have to eat a lot…but with substantial nourishment one does not have that “deflated” feeling and it also helps with recovery time…
RULE 6: IF YOU ARE BRINGING “THAT GUY” GO SOMEPLACE THAT YOU DON’T FEQUENT
Have you ever found yourself rolling with a chode in your crew…some guy that makes girls sneer with his remarks and pisses off all the bartenders, or a chick that jumps on people and falls down a lot (i.e.…a non-party professional)…if you find yourself in the shitty situation to be stuck with them, you might not want to bring them to your favorite establishment…you might want to take them to a different bar and then ditch them in an hour to head to where you want to go…sound mean?...again, I am just being honest here…and a place I go to often like The Boom Boom Room is my sanctuary…why would I want to bring a total chicken fucker I work with there and not only have myself deal with them, but people I know and love as well…that is just not nice nor respectful.
RULE 7: DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE
Do you know what is worse than bringing “that guy”…being that guy, especially if “that guy” is an asshole.
In all honesty, who doesn’t love a happy drunk, they can talk too much and sway from side to side, but they are innocent as shit (just please don’t fucking drive)…but an angry drunk…boooooooooooooo! You guys suck! Who wants to be all loaded and deal with negative energy…or someone being mean…it sure the hell doesn’t help anyone have a “good time” and isn’t that why we party…to have fun, to enjoy ourselves…why go acting like a bitch?
Everyone be nice…it is really not that hard.
***This rule can also be associated with the “NO FIGHTING IN PUBLIC” rule (not just for party professionalism, but simply for life in general…keep your issues with one another private…no one needs to know about everyone’s business, that shit is personal…you need to fight…go home and do that…or pick up the phone…write a nasty email…de-friend someone…just don’t get me involved.***
So those are some good rules to start with, the list goes on and on and is always expanding (for example, rule six is the result of my outings last evening…cause we are constantly evolving…oh and if you do bring “that guy” to the bar you frequent you might find yourself having to slip the bartender a $20 to make up for the chodemeister)…just remember to take everything in strive and as a learning experience…
Remember to be a good friend and not let your crew make a fool out of themselves and if they can’t stand make sure they are sitting and headed home…
Take care of each other.
Cause the number one rule of Party Professionalism is that we are all kinda rookies in some sort of way or another…cause who the fuck knows everything.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
PLANTING THE PLANT
It is that time of year to get your soil nice and cultivated and put some seedlings in the ground, and since I don’t have a garden living in the Tenderloin, I gotta have a dance…
Grab your shovel and start to dig, really toss that dirt up in the air, once you have a nice hole pick up your plant and put it in the ground, shovel some dirt on the sides…give it a good pat down so the dirt is nice and firm, maybe use your foot a little…now grab a hose or water can and let that baby drink…and of course…Let it Grow.