Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Blog 83: Death

Blog 83: Death

My grandmother died this week, the matriarch of the family…on Independence Day she flew away from her earthly being…declaring her true freedom.

I was suppose to go up and see her the very next day…yet again I learn the lesson that timing truly is a bitch…and that I should put people that I love before anything else… cause when there is no more time with someone…there is simply no more time.

It hit me harder than I realized…on a day that I had so many important things happening, I awoke to the call of reality…you get thrown a curve ball you never saw coming, in a way you never expected…and you have to keep on walking…and dealing…and doing what you have to do.

The worst part of the entire thing is seeing my mother mourn the loss of her mother…

I see my future self in her reflection and it paralyzes me…

It is a notion I wish to never think or feel.

My loved ones mortality is all of a sudden in perspective.

While death is finite, it is also infinite.


My mind has gone places and seen things that many only witness after they leave this body.

I have seen the light…jumped from the cliff and flown…

And as I sat across from my mother and took in all of her sorrow…her eloquent grief…I held her hand…and tried to comfort her with my knowledge in the mystery…

(Before I go on, let me state that my mom and I have on of the best relationships possible…I am totally open with her, she knows more than my best friends…she knows my deepest thoughts and concerns…I tell her about my psychedelic journeys…while she may not truly be able to comprehend where my mind has gone…she knows I have traveled through space and time.)

I told her…
“I think what scares and bothers people the most about death is the ‘not knowing’ factor…what is death?...I feel that if we knew what happened when we died we would not be as fearful or melancholy…I have died many times…and I know what death is…and it is not something to be frightened of…it is a glorious thing.
I recall one time I died…my life literally flashed before my eyes…visions of childhood, memories of friends, faces of my family, feelings, and as my head fell back…spellbinding lights and colors filled my mind…and I felt myself take one last breath…and my body peacefully rest…and my soul shoot into the sky…a beautiful bright light…I had never experienced pure freedom like this before.
And my light was then join by thousands of lights…and we swirled together becoming a sun…I remember never feeling so loved, so safe, so at peace…I was absolutely content…and there have been many a time where I have yearned for that feeling again…
Don’t be scared of where grandma is…she is in a wonderous place…I have seen it…she is okay…and her light shines upon and within us everyday…I know you can feel her right now…”

I saw my mother take in what I had explained…she took a deep breath…I knew she understood my validity.

I wish my words would have comforted her more…but loss is a bitch and half.

I admire my mother for her strength in darkness, her humbleness in succumbing to reality.

I desire so to take back time so I could say good-bye to my grandmother…for the guilt that burdens me is heavy, and infiltrating…and quite bitter for I know I could have re-prioritized, and seen my grandmother before she left us…

And yet I feel her with me everyday.

Since her passing, I have felt my guardian angels multiply…

When I think too hard about her passing and become depressed…I suddenly feel the luminous light again…the serendipitous calm after the storm…

Loss is never easy…pain is heartbreaking…life ends…

But the spirit soars through all eternity.



When my trash can is looking kinda full, I put my foot in my bucket (you have a trash can, I have a bucket)…so lift your foot up and press that action down…ohhh that smells bad…wave your hand in front of your nose…might as well take that trash out…do a lap around your “area” and grab any trash you see and toss it in the “can”…now pull the sides of the bag up and give it a nice tie at the top…you got to kinda shimmy the bag out of the bucket…and it is down the hall to put that bad boy down the trash shoot…(a reminder to apartment living…trash shoots are crucial and prevents you from carrying mad-shit down mass amounts of stairs…totally)…now go wash your hands!

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