Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Blog 82: When did I Become this Way?

Blog 82: When did I Become this Way?

The other night I was going on a late night butt walk…as I ascended the stairs I noticed a man come out of the side door of the Huntington Hotel…it was quite obvious that he was totally-beyond-hammered…he was speaking in tongues and trying to stay as one of the Janitors kept on encouraging him to leave…after the custodian had won the battle and gone back inside the man took two more steps and face planted right there on the sidewalk where he proceeded to piss himself (I found this last part out when a couple walked by and I heard the lady say, “Gross, he pissed himself.”)

As he lay there, head buried in the cement, moaning and drooling…I simply kept on butt walking up and down the stairs ten more times…

I did not try to help him, I did not ask if he was okay, I simply did not care.

When did I become this way?

When did the “Good Samaritan” episode of Seinfeld become a reality?

What happened to me?

What has the Tenderloin done?

I used to anguish over people lying on the street…back in the day I would stand a moment in front of them and stare at their chest to make sure they were breathing…now I saunter by and know that is one of the reasons the cops poke the people sleeping on the street…to make sure they are alive…and I figure it is their job not mine…

I have become so callus…like bare-worn feet that have walked many a miles upon jagged stone.

People nod their head and say “hi” to me on the street and I ignore them and keep on moving…I used to say “hi” to everyone, now I have tunnel vision that leads me to my destination and I am oblivious to people…I walked by my friend yesterday that said hello, and they had to yell, “Sunny, what the fuck!”

I stammered out an apology that started with, “you know how many people say shit to me as I walk down this street…..”

And as I continued walking I had a lady say, “I like your outfit, Bitch!”…a man whip his dick out and show it to me (it was an odd shade of purple…ewwwwwwww)…witnessed two people peeing…one puking…had three guys try to block my path and get me to talk to them…over ten people smoking crack...two trying to find it on the ground...a guy follow me through the crosswalk commenting on my ass…one man start to yell at me when I didn’t say hi, telling me, “Bitch, you think you are the shit, with all your stupid dresses, Fuck You!”…..had over 15 men give me some sort of cat-call…got offered crack and oxys and shit I ain’t even heard of way to many times…got knocked over by “rank smell” three times…all in six blocks…

Why do I even bother to wonder why I am so hardened…I stare at the reason as I open my gate every morning…

I feel myself zone out and pinch my shoulders in as I walk through the dirtiest of the dirty…

I walk past the body bag with the crusted hand hanging out and I think about donuts…not the parallels of humanity…

Not, how can I help?…but more, this is helpless…

I try to be above it, but I am in it…

I see the lowest cavernous pits of mankind, and I float past it saying, “I am a princess.”

No wonder I am still not a queen.

When did I stop caring?

When I was a teenager I used to take my lunch money and buy food for the homeless by my high school. Where did that little girl go? Will she ever return? What if I want so desperately for her to?

How do you soften hardness?

Would I feel different if I did not live in the Tenderloin, or is this simply the growth of age and reality?

Or is it from seeing the results of that much crack?

How do I retrieve my tenderness but still keep myself safe?

I have so many questions of to what has happened to me…and so little answers.

How damaged am I from seeing what I see?

People used to say I was a pushover and kind…now I carry a brutal honesty that I don’t know if I desire…

I miss the old me…the one with the open heart…that had a “freeness” to it…a constant glimmer of hope…and not a thick-guarded-shell.

But I am who I am…and this is the life I not only see, but the one that I live.

This is my reality…

Hopefully…in me pondering these questions, I can take from this what I don’t want to feel…to become…

For finding a true balance is about always questioning…about seeing all sides…

I know what I don’t want to be…and I have to find that balance…

Maybe I should just not walk down those freaking six blocks as much?

And yet, I am drawn to them…like a lesson you yearn to learn.



Even though it is more of an “after Fall thing” roof and gutter upkeep is crucial and the summer time is a great time to prep for the winter…and when was the last time you cleaned your gutters…hmmmmmm.

Start by grabbing your ladder and moving it against the side of the house…make sure you got it nice and secure…it always helps to have someone hold the bottom of the latter, but we all ain’t that lucky…put your gloves on…now start to climb the latter one peg at a time until you get to the top…give yourself a good reach and start to throw leaves out of the gutter…reach a little further (man that yoga is really starting to pay off)…ahhh not too far…that was close…that was totally enough cleaning and stretching for one day…now for lemonade…maybe with vodka?

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