Sunday, February 20, 2011

Blog 8....Cocktails & Tenderloin Weapons (part one)

Blog 8…Cocktails and Tenderloin Weapons (part one)

...walking to venues saves money, it is free tv, and if it has some incline, will make your ass look better. (free tv and butt walks…Ill say it once, ill say it twice…CRUCIAL)
for example I can walk to the Boom Boom Room, yeah it takes a little more than 15min, no biggie, but if I get a nice size cup and fill it with vodka and a mixer, the walk is enjoyable and even more entertaining. Roll one up and I might walk a little slower. Walking through the tenderloin can be tough and a LOIN COCKTAIL just makes it go so much smoother, and is oh so refreshing.
**Two notes on the loin cocktail: even though the loin cocktail saves you money, dont scrimp to much....use soda or juice as your mixer...crystal light you find in your cupboard is just fucking gross and highly not okay......maybe more ice would have helped....but i kinda doubt that.
note two: it can be a shock weapon, when you are walking by yourself in the tenderloin you have always got to think about make-shift weapons, and ice and booze in someone's face will totally give you time to run.**

Speaking of Weapons…
Let go over a few that I have learned to be highly affective.

May I start my saying I do not believe in violence. That being said, aint no one going to fuck with me…Im way to cute for that noise.
And in the tenderloin I get hassled and heckled quite often, and Im all about feeling safe in my neighborhood.

My all time favorite of course
Oh sweet I love you so. Nothing makes me feel more secure on my late night/early morning walks like my corkscrew. I actually walk with it open, corkscrew protruding out between my index and middle finger….I just recently found a really long one for old corks…and that bitch really gleams in the street lights..awesomeness
I have fended off many a men with my corkscrew. The one who raised a horse crop and yelled "CYRSTAL METH"....granted if it was minus the horse crop i might have doubled over laughing right then and there.....but a horse crop is a horse crop so out came my corkscrew with light speed....and it worked....homie turned so fast, i didnt even have to tell him “I will take your eye home in my shoe”......which I have learned is also very effective..I just say that and hold up my hand so the person hassling me can really see what I got and they shut up.
Cause lets get serious peeps.
No one want to mess with a crazy redhead yielding a corkscrew.
You know right after I do that they turn to their friend and go..”that bitch is crazy”…
I live in the freaking tenderloin…jeez.

Now just plan scissors…that would work…but the burly-ness of the corkscrew…just isn’t there. But I learned about the power of the sewing sheers (even though they are pink) one night. I was getting ready to go to Boarders to get that book DMT: The Spirit Molecule (awesomeness in a book by the way..totally) and as I was checking my purse..I could not find my corkscrew…chicken fucker…
Looking around for a make shift weapon I grabbed my sewing sheers, shoved them in my purse and off I went. As I walked to Union Square..the streets were slower than normal and a man who was walking towards me, stopped 5 feet ahead of me in my path.
**please note**
if someone stops and blocks your path..get your defences up asap. That is not a good sign and they are going to try to fuck with you.
So as the chicken fucker started to taunt me and try to touch if I was in a ballet, I in one move reached in my purse and grabbed my sheers…as I was pulling them out..they separated (like the good sheers do) leaving me with a blade in each hand…I collected myself (I was mentally going..that shit was cool as fuck) and looked up at homie who was frozen. I said “Fuck no Bitches” and headed right for him. For some strange reason he decided to move out of my way..hmmmmmm

In a plastic Bag a jar of pickles is all that you need. Swing and walk baby...Swing and walk.

Now I don’t wear heels anymore..I used to, but ladies, let us be smart here..If you are walking, anywhere, and someone makes you feel threated and you have heels..take those bitches off and use them. Those things can hurt like a mother fucker and you are one step closer to being able to run away.
That is half of the battle.

My home girl gave me the idea of bringing a fan to shows…as I hope you all can tell..I get down..but I also get hot (even quicker if I loaded) so having a fan to cool myself off has become necessary for those hot steaming music shows I like to go see…(Like the greyboy allstars show that sold out in like 5 hours at the Boom Boom needed….)
And although I have never had to use..on a recent walk home, after going for my corkscrew and finding my fan first, I pulled it out and threaten to stick it in his neck..whoa..but effective.

There will be more weapons to come..but always remember.

when worse come to worse…
You will find this princess with her Jerry hand print ring on my right..and a big ole gaudy ring on my left…

So if the thunder don’t get you…the lighting will.

Dance move of the Week
Start by putting your foot on the lawn mover to steady it..a move many forget is “The Prime” you gotta prime that oil peeps.. three pumps is an accurate amount…now pull that usually takes me 2-5 hard you go, mow that bitch…damm that grass was high and its stopped…pull it again…off you go..damm a rock…start to pull again..crap it won’t start…that when you got to give it a couple soft kicks, pull….IT you go (this is also a great way to clear yourself an easy path to the bar)

1 comment:

  1. You might be a little off, maybe? (Which I mean in the best possible way.)