Blog 30.....Ending 30 at 30.
These next few days note the end of my year at 30, and ohhhhhh, what a year it has been.
When I had turned 29, I had recently left my ex-husband, was homeless, and had just lost my restaurant and was still living in Eugene. I was completely lost...I had smoked crack for like two weeks (don’t worry peeps haven’t touched the stuff since, but like I always say, we all have to fall) I had no confidence in myself as a woman, I thought I needed a man, I cared what other people thought about me, I thought people were cool just cause they grew pot, I really was alone, and very well aware of that fact.
When I turned 30, I had just moved out of my parents house(again) finally landed a some what decent set of jobs in the city, and was starting to realize my powers as a woman. But I still felt that I was lucky if a man liked me, and not the other way around…………oh, how things change.
It is amazing all that can happen in the short time of a year, and how small that year really is in the course of a lifetime.
As I turn 31, I have been out on my OWN for over a year, I have a good set of jobs, I am not alone, and I am as happy I can be, there are times when I am sad, but I make a constant effort to LIVE and that makes me beam.
I believe in the power of “1” so “31”……look the fuck out.
Some Things I have learned this past year……
-It is about the balance.
This year, I have never experienced such pain, loneliness, and mind-numbing-aching-hollowness…………and I have never experienced such happiness, such pride, such confidence, I never knew I could be this happy. And I know I would not appreciate the highs if the lows did not exist. That I would not know this level of such self-satisfaction could exist if I did not leave my marriage and go through all the pain I went through. All the suffering, the falling and failing, the learning, the tears……………THEY WERE ALL WORTH IT………if I did not fall, I would have never realized my strength, my light, my powers to lift a people……I had to lift myself from the darkness first……and I have succeeded.
How can you see the light, if there is not darkness to contrast.
-I am, one hell of a woman……times infinity.
I spent almost 30 years of my life with no self-confidence, and I cared what other people thought about me, a lot. What a ding dong. I look back and shake my head and wish I could slap the younger me upside the head and call myself a chicken fucker……totally. I used to feel blessed if a man liked me, and thought most of the time, that it was enough. I used to be embarrassed when I said something stupid, or accidentally fucked up…………Now, I really don’t care. I think a man is damm fucking lucky to have a woman like me in their fucking life, and they need to recognize, and if they don’t, well………to bad for them, damm it. I’m still going to rock me out.
And there are many a man out there that would be damm happy to even be able to think about having a woman with my stature and grace. (I might cuss, but I am an elegant mother fucker) And we all make a fool out of ourselves, I for example always tend to trip on nothing on the sidewalk only in front of people, never when no one is watching. But, I am pretty sure, that happens to everybody, so fuck it. Fuck making a fool out of yourself, just cough it up to you being part of someone’s free TV and roll with it.
-I am a Princess.
I didn’t get it till this year. I thought I was just really weird (I actually am totally really weird, but I am also really a princess) I don’t think I understood how to channel my light, and this year I slowly learned……I don’t think I really got it until recent months. In the past few months I have felt my soul quiet, my pace has slowed, my parting dulled (I still constantly groove, and psychedelics are still my best friend, but that is pretty much it) I am starting to come to terms with my powers of positivity, I feel different when I walk down the street. I feel my light hitting people as I walk by and feel them being affected by the positivity and love that oozes out of me. Sometimes I forget and get lost in my own world and when I spin out I have to check myself, because we all really do affect each other and we have to be aware of that whether we like it or not.
And it is not easy being a princess, but it is not easy being anyone…………and this is my path………so I might as well get my self as prepared as possible, knowing that unexpected shit is of course going to happen, and start to walk the walk.
I wait with baited breath for lessons of this new year………and oddly, look forward to the pain, knowing that as my light shines on the darkness a path will emerge………and it will lead me in the right direction.
Happy Birthday to me………times 31.
DANCE OF THE WEEK….
(This dance involves two people, see even I cannot always be a solo dancer……)
AT LEAST I’M ENJOYING THE RIDE
………I prefer to take the navigator position in this dance, only cause in life I really don’t like to drive, but I know we all have to do our share, so if you really want to navigate just let me know.
So the Driver has the easy part…….Put those hands at 10 and 2, you should really only take them off when you have to grab the joint (hey, I don’t condone the smoking and driving, let’s just say I understand it...totally)
Now the Navigator has the map out (this is old school dancing, there is no GPS) now if you navigate like me the map might me upside down for a while, okay, got that fixed, ohhhhh, look at the deer, and grab the wheel, remember if you point out shit to the driver you might distract them and have to play defense with the alignment of the car. Now point to the right Highway sign you just saw, give the driver a high-five……smell it (you don’t have to, that is just my move) grab the joint back, sit back, smile at the driver, take a big hit, smile, exhale…………………look around, and enjoy the ride.