Blog 31………ADVENTURES OF A CHODE HUNTER (part one)
As a man pushed past me knocking me to the side, and them bum rushed the door, slamming it in my face……………a thought came to mind…………”What a Chode.”
The Basic Definitions you will need to know while reading these adventures are as follows, (more will come in later parts)
What Defines a Chode:
A chode is a dude that has way passed chicken fucker status. He is rude, neanderthalish, a dumb ass, has no social skills, tends to have bad breath, and thinks all of this makes him the shit……About 75% of chodes have a good amount of money and think that makes it okay for them to be a chode-meister………… [chode-meister = ultimate chode] an example of the ultimate code is when a chode with a wedding ring tells you he is planning on fucking someone tonight and looks at you.
Insider tip: Chodes tend to have the “huhhhh” look on their face as well as their bottom lip slightly hangs down.
What is a Chode Hunter:
I am a Chode Hunter, out to give “chode stamps” to all who are guilty. I walk the streets either by myself or with my ladies, dressed in sparkle chode attractors and from time to time with glow in the dark/color changing light sabers (please note: if you are trying to be a first time chode hunter, the light saber is for a level 5 hunter, be warned, light sabers tend to attract serious amounts of chodes, even chodes in training, especially if you and your girlfriend go into the “W” hotel during a computer developer convention……………from one hunter to another, that was scary for me, and I am a level 7 chode hunter)
What is a Chode Stamp:
A Chode Stamp is what a hunter throws down on one she has discovered to be a chode. For example, while at the “W” with said girlfriend and said light saber, a man walked up to me, put his drink down that had a wedge of orange in it, and asked me, “Does this look like a vagina.”
A mental chode stamp went directly in the middle of his forehead.
Chode Ratings are what you give out to chodes to let them know they are a dumb ass. I do them in multiple of 10. Aka………”he is a chode times 10”…………….”No, No, No, he is a chode times 30.”
Now are you getting the drift……….
Well Let’s Rate Some Chodes.
I had gone out on what I had considered a bad date with a man I still have hopes is somewhat wonderful….but, I think he needs to deal with his “inner chode” ...Not only did he show up to our first date drunk, but he brought his daughter to the second half………………ummmm, should I bring my mom to the second date so we can all go bowling together………anyhoo, I explained to him my issues with the first date, he seemed to understand, and apologized for being drunk……my next encounter with him was at the Boom Boom Room where he tried to get me to go in a back room with him, after telling me he had been hanging with 30 girls in a hot tub…………………out came the mental “chode stamp” he apologized later for being drunk, at this point I just want to see if he can not be all perved out around me……… I am a princess, I do not go into a back room with a dude that has taken me on one bad date………again, does this chode think that he can act like this cause he plays music………………wellllllll, he won’t be playing me, that is for damm sure.
Chode Rating…… times 50 (I do not fuck random dudes in a back room)
This involves a Chode Sticker………a chode sticker is a guy that bugs you no matter how much you try to maneuver away from him. I try to be slick when getting away from chodes for a couple reasons……they seem to want to follow you more if they notice that you are obvious about avoiding them, and they also make you explain why you are avoiding them, and welllll, I always try to be nice, so I really try to avoid the “chode chatter.” There is one chode sticker I see at quite a bit of shows, and he has started to cross the line, he is really bad when he is drunk. He grabs me from behind and pulls me close (I still have yet to remember his name) he puts his arms around me and rubs me with his sweat, he grabs both my forearms, to the point where for two weeks I was kicking a bruise he had left me. Men, do not bruise the ladies, that is not winning you any points, and if a lady says “stop grabbing me” I would listen. Cause the next time I see this chode-meister, I might have my light saber, in that case, he is going to get whomped with a large glow stick. This chode also comes up to me almost every show and goes, “you don’t remember me” I assure him I do, and he sees the look on my face, but I think he is to dense to get it, I remember him for all the wrong reasons.
Chode Rating…… Times 70 (you bruised me bitch)
The chode is a friend of a friend, so unfortunately I have to encounter him quite often. I also know that he is going through a hard time after separating from his wife of a couple decades, and I have faith his “chode status” will be lowered. That being said……he is still in the “I am as horny as all the men in the world combined and will ask every person in the world if they want me to fuck them and then mention I have a shit ton of money even though I never breathe when I talk and keep on talking a million miles a minute cause I am on a serious copia of drugs.” Did I mention he lacks teeth. But come the fuck on, don’t ask me if I know any “easy friends that want to get fucked, HARD”……………How the Hell do I answer that one, talk about making a girl uncomfortable. I want to be able to introduce my friends to my other friends, I don’t feel comfortable if I do that and you plan on asking them to have “dirty-hard-sex” right off the bat. That is not making me look like a good friend………and I, am a good fucking friend.
Chode Rating…… Times 60 (I’m giving him some slack because he is going through a tough time.)
And trust me Ladies and Gentlemen, there have been many more ‘chode encounters’ these are the ones that first came to mind. I have them at least 3 times a day…….sometimes it is rough being a princess.
So protect yourself, have a light saber, or a whistle, or a kazoo, so you can sound the alarm and warn other ladies as well……”Chode-Meisters in the house” Ladies, we have got to help each other out.
And I will walk the streets of this city by the bay, light saber in one hand, chode stamp in the other, ready to defend my princess self against all that chodishness…………
Wish me the best of luck, I will need it.
DANCE MOVE OF THE WEEK
DODGING THE CHODE………
Now the first part of this dance move is keeping your eye out. Because the reality of the situation is it is not that hard to spot a chode, especially when they are intoxicated, so don’t get lost in your own bubble, it might get popped by a ‘chode wanderer’
So, chode stumbles up to you and you spin, dancing away, you can do the LAWNMOWER DANCE MOVE to get some distance. He is still following, PENGUIN DANCE MOVE it to the front, now shake your ass through the crowd, grabbing the joint offered to you and duck in your cloud of smoke…..SWIM DANCE MOVE at a 45 degree angle from the direction you were headed, breast stroking into a small pocket……it is good to tread some water now, look around, you are safe, and damm, did you just end up with a joint……awesomeness.