Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Blog 37...Crack Head Pick Up Lines...(Part One)

Blog 37...Crack Head Pick Up Lines...(Part One)

So Crack Heads...I’m just going to put it all out there...92.7% of you, suck at the ole pick up lines. Like Seriously...times 11.

Now granted, there are exceptions to every rule, and I must say, there have been times where I have been floored, in awe, a big smile has spread over my face or simply had my heart melt at the most beautiful things that a stranger has said to me.

Yet most of the time, my mouth drops open, I fall over into a giggling/snorting fiasco, mentally stab them in the eye with my corkscrew, or get the…”what the fuck just crapped out of your mouth” look on my face (which mind you is not my favorite look.)

Now Granted, I do not help this situation out that much.

I walk through the Tenderloin at crazy hours...I get off of work in between 12am and 2am and I walk home, and yes I am freakin nuts, so I usually walk through the heart of the tenderloin (it has the best incline for my butt as I walk) I am in my princess dress, I am sparkly, have bright red hair, and then there is the matter of my ass...totally.

I do not fair much better in the day time and since I walk to work every day, and once again, usually tenderloin cut it to Market street...(let’s be honest here peeps, I don’t have a TV and I need some entertainment, and the “Tenderloin” channel is interesting as fuck, and distracts me enough that I can zone out before I go to work)

Now I also butt walk through a part of the Tenderloin, but head to TenderNob for most of my walk. Yet for the couple blocks the heckling is fierce and I’m just in a baseball hat and my workout gear, so I really don’t feel like I deserve the lude verbal assaults I get...but with an ass like mine, it is hard.

Pick Up Lines That Crack me the Fuck Up...

-“Do you Want to come in this doorway sexy.”

-“I would trade all my oxy for you”

-“I want to eat you” (cannibal)

-“I want to suck your toes”
(side note: this one kind of grossed me out more than it made me crack up, I wear flip flops, thick ones, but I am tenderloin tromping...grossness times 11)

-“I want to motorboat your ass” (this one made me giggle)

-“Its time to flip the hourglass over”

-or there is the guy that just always blocks my path and starts to make these weird noises like “ommmmm” “ufffffommu” “ahuppahaupa”

Now a majority of Tenderloin pick up lines are just lame. And any decent lady that has walked through the Tenderloin, you know you average about 5 a block.

Crack heads, if you all want to out shine the competition you might have to come up with something better than “hot damm, girl, you are looking fine as fuck”...Honey, I know this, I looked in the mirror before I headed out the door. And don’t start yelling at me when I don’t turn or respond to you. I don’t respond usually to catcalls. I don’t respond to honks. And I totally don’t respond to “Hey Red, Hey Red, Hey Red, I’m talking to you Red, hey Red with the ass, hey I’m talking to you, hey”...this might be the person I am mentally stabbing with my corkscrew...maybe.

I only respond when they have merit.

There is a crack head that I have never introduced myself to, yet every time I approach his corner he starts to belt out, “I got sunshine, on a cloudy day...” and sings me the song with one hand on his heart as I pass. He gets a smile and the first time, my heart melted a little.

The man that said when I was in my sparkly dress, “Mama, I just have to tell you, You look funky- beautiful-groovy” totally got a thank you.

There are the handful of Crack Heads that have introduced themselves to me. I am always polite and introduce myself back, it is only proper. They then tell me I look nice, I say, “thank you darlin” and whenever I see them they say...
“Looking good today Sunny.” And I smile and tell them to have a wonderful day.

If it is proper, I am always going to respect it, if its not, I am going to stay in my awesome bubble that I rock when I walk in the Tenderloin...I’m just in the bubble watching the TV station, cracking up and at the same time, wishing I could help these people, wondering what makes them tick.

Then I cross Market St. and hit the Mission Channel, and that is a whole other blog...totally.


(for any of you who travel a lot, this one might hit home)


All right, first, you have got to wait in line, man this is taking a while, you might have to rest you head on your friend’s shoulder (I don’t recommend resting your head on a stranger’s shoulder they might get mad.) You are at the front of the line now, take off your shoes, your jacket, your hat, your belt, crap...hold those pants up peeps. How many of these trays do you need, damm, alright all your stuff is on the convayer belt now...time for the beeping thingy, nope, never clear, something has gone off, now due to new regulations comes the fun part. Have your friend/or loved one, come up and do the feeling up/pat up and in part of the dance. I usually do a little shake after this part, finally, we are through, now where the hell are my shoes, and for the love of all that is holy, put your belt on.

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