Friday, March 25, 2011

Blog 15...Limo Confessions...(PART ONE)

Blog 15…Limo Confessions……(PART ONE).

No, this is not a misprint, just cause I live in the tenderloin, does not mean I travel without style….and a true city girl (a princess, no less) going to have a town car and several taxis on call.
When I moved to the Tenderloin, I realized, sometimes a cab can be a bitch and a half to find….And me being cute…(this always helps) town cars and limos started to stop when I was hailing cabs…I remember my first one……….

Town Car Driver A………
I get into the town car….I am frazzled, he asks where I am off to, I give him a general location…he wants to know what I am up to…I say..”I am picking up some weed.” (ahhhh the joys of living in San Francisco, have I told you SF how much I love you.)

He turns in his seat and goes…”You smoke weed, here try this”…pulls out a sick pre-rolled joint of Purple Kush from a medical tub and we start smoking in the car. He then gives me some hash…and a brownie….tells me I am one cool chick…I have him drop me off me two blocks from my spot (I am not a ding dong and am not going to have him do door to door service at a pot deal, come on peeps)

I ask him how much….He told me it was free, any time I needed a ride to call, and he would charge me then….um awesomeness…more weed for me to buy…totally.

Now there were a couple of problems with Town Car A.
He kinda had a crush on me, I don’t like that shit, be my friend damm it, stop trying to confuse shit. My heart is confused already enough…be my fucking friend, that says a whole lot more….

And the chicken fucker barely worked.

A good taxi or town car driver has set hours or days, and can pick you up 90% of the time…this guy batted about 10%.

However one night after The Harley Strickly Bluegrass Festival, I had three shows to see (I am a BISS girl after all…check out The first was Cornmeal at Hotel Utah, which if any of you know is bitch to find a cab. I walked out at midnight, ready to jump into a cab and dash to my two other shows. As I walked outside I saw a hot chick on every corner trying to hail cabs and looking desperate…I new I was going to have to use my resources. I called all my cabbies (I had only been here for a bit, now my list is huge)…no one answered…so I tried Town Car Driver A…he was actually working, and would be there in 10….omg…awesomeness times 10…….
I was in a fucking hurry.

The girl who was on my corner came back for a minute and came up to her friends saying how she had been on the corner for 20 minutes and no cabs had stopped for her, all she wanted to do was go home…..

Welllll……Out came my imaginary sparkle cape, because a mama in need, is a mama in need….indeed.

I asked where she was going…it was in the direction of my next show….
I told her I had called someone to come and pick me up, if she wanted to share a ride…I would be happy to….she looked me up and down…

I know, I know…being nice surprises the shit out of people sometimes.

She told me that would be awesome but she would still try…. I just shrugged (I have learned you can not force people to understand me being simply nice)…

The time passed….this chicks arm must have been killing her…I got a text from home slice…he would be there in two. I offered the chick my pipe and told her he would be here in two minutes, relax, smoke some weed, it will all work out…..oh and then I dropped the fact that he was a town car driver.
Well now she really didn’t believe me and ran to the curb franticly waving her arms, just then I came to her side and waved at my driver who was pulling up….He jumped out to open the door, I told him to stop…
“no no…Sunny you are a VIP” was his response….I let the chick go in first.

A look of pure shock had taken over her face, I explained to the driver the situation with the chick and he said “No Problem”…I asked how much..”for you Sunny…its free…lets get you ladies where you need to go.”

The shock looked had been now followed with a jaw dropping… she then turned to me and said..”Am I dreaming”

At that very moment Town Car Driver A…turned around in his seat at the light and handed me one of his big ole fatty joints and said “Spark this shit up Sunny.”

I turned to the chick to answer her question the only way I knew how…”TOTALLY”

(Just to let you all know…the driver dropped chick off, which was just enough time for me to catch part of show Two, then as I was leaving I called my friends from the Cornmeal show who were suppose to meet me at the Third show and asked how getting a cab was going, after being called a chicken fucker, I informed them the driver and I would be picking them up in 5.)

Now from working in North Beach…sometimes there are no cabs, or town cars…but there were stretch limos…totally.

Memory A.
I was walking from a Comedy show to run an “errand” and was going to meet my friends back at the show and we were going to do the town up. Well I was in a hurry so as I was walking I was hailing a cab at the same time (you have got to multi-task peeps) Well…a stretch limo stopped…and asked where I was going…I said just 10 blocks down then back to the club…he said he was just driving up and down Columbus, would I like a ride….”Totally” He let me out a half block away and off I went, I came out 5 minutes later and he was waiting for me…AWESOEMENSS…I hop in..I ask him how much to take my crew (there are about 13 of us) to the next show…he said..”Normally about 80-100 bucks, but for you Sunny…$40”…

I will say it once, I will say it twice..see peeps..

So how awesome did I feel having run a successful errand and picking my peeps up in pimp stretch limo….
Lets give it an awesomeness times 11.

Memory B…
My job at North Beach had its moments..The night my bras got stolen (Who the fuck is sniffing my bras……chicken fucker) I was upset, I had gotten yelled at that evening to for being upset about my bras getting stolen, it was pouring, it was a busy night, there were no cabs…I just wanted to get home, shower and go dance my pain away to live music.
These are moments when the “How much money is your time worth” flashes in your head..I am a broke bitch, but I am a time squeezed bitch to.
I yelled at the stretch limo across the street, he waved me over…I ran up to his window and asked how much……..
He told me I looked a mess and to hop on in….I got in the front, a balling mess. Once I got in the tears poured out like the rain came from the sky…I managed to tell the driver I was going to the tenderloin…he started to drive. He put on some Otis Redding and pulled out a bottle of Vodka from underneath his seat and handed me the bottle…I started to remember to breath…I asked if he smoked pot….a big smile came over his face. I pulled out my pipe packed it up, handed him greeners and took another sip off the bottle. We didn’t talk…I just cried and he just sang along with Otis, and we passed the bowl back and forth.
He dropped me off and I asked how much..he said 10 bucks..(a normal cab would have been $8.) I asked if he wanted his tip in nug or cash…I handed him a nug and into my apartment I went…….

Sometimes the two extra bucks gives you a whole new piece of mind.

There are many more Limo Confessions….

Until then…LET’S DANCE.

Directing the Traffic..
Now while this is an awesome dance to do as your friends are crossing the street, may I also recommend it if you are at a crowded show and find yourself in a spot where you have a lot of traffic.
(I tend to be totally loaded when I do this dance)
I also take moves from the “airline stewardess dance”
..And the most important rule of this dance is..LADIES FIRST…because remember,
you have got to be fucking proper.
So you start directing the flow of traffic, this usually involves one arm straight with your pointer finger arched and a circular movement with your other arm, because lets me can not have someone make themselves a speed talking or spacing out allowed (you are going to be doing that enough)…you have got to keep traffic moving at a good flow if you are going to be directing it….But wait, stop the flow (this is a hand up)…a lady is crossing at an intersection, I usually yell “hot mama coming through”…alright, you can wave them on by, I usually point out the exits and bathrooms, let people know that there are no slides…but the isles do light up in case of emergency…….and stop…A lady is coming…and wave them on through….TOTALLY.

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